so its been a while... I know... Im sorry, for those of you who read my wonderful array of tales. Its been crazy busy for me, I have switched with Richelle (my wonderful file buddy) from night to super early morning shifts. So in the past I couldn't do anything cause I was working late, now Im exhausted and need to get used to the early shifts (which I LOVE) to be able to have energy to make it through the week. Other than the lack of time and energy (what else is new?) life is going really well... things are good, I really shouldn't be complaining.

however... today when I sat outside wearing my lulu lemon sweater which I love!!!! and reading my bible. 1 John, which is one of my favorite books. Things kinda hit me. So I finally took the envelope out of my basket on the hutch in my parents house (which Ive had for a month and been avoiding), the one that the hospital sent me for my appointment and I opened it up with stomach pain turning in my gut. I read the blue sheet which explains what I need to bring to the appointment, any history of surgeries which is something I expected to read (no surgeries of my past). And then comes the paragraph about how it is highly recommended to bring someone for support, and that the person you bring will be registered along with you at the hospital, to help you in the room for encouragement and to discuss treatment. All the sudden that paragraph made things a little bit more scary for me.

If you read Kortney's blog (falling leaf) on the right hand side of my blog you will come across an entry when she talks about how she prayed and prayed and cried and cried to God to be given the gift of children. Its the worst feeling in the world to know that there is a high statistic against you that children could not happen if Endo in fact is your condition. And if you're like me, or Kort, in desperate want to be a mother. Then you can understand how depressing this disease can be. Thankfully I am convinced that I will have children, but the fear that I have absolutely NO CLUE whats going on in my body is very overwhelming... especially when being asked millions of personal questions on a sheet of paper, the questions you know when being answered in the little examining room could mean the differences of being under a knife and in surgery, or taking birth control pills until menopause creeps up... or worse, ending up at square one again with no clue with the happenings of my body.
Each of these "options" are not exactly what I thought for myself five years ago when this all started to happen.

so I realised today, as I sat outside, as I read 1 John... that the trust I give has to truly fall in the hands of God. Im sure that everyone who reads this does not believe the way I do, and that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that I know what I believe and what I stand for, and if believing that health, full health, complete health is in the hands of God and trusting in him through this process brings me greater faith than that is exactly what I will do.

Its not easy to not know what to do... I am exceptionally thankful that I don't have cancer, that I am blessed and priveledged, but disease and disorders, sickness of any kind, especially when you truly have NO IDEA whats going on is exhausting, and emotionally frustrating and depressing.

On another note: PRAISE GOD that I am as blessed as I am to have my family, my job and especially my Cam.

Blessings! :)

Yesterday was my 23rd birthday and it was such a fun day! I woke up, early though... unfortunately a little too early, and had such a fantastic phone call with my grandma who almost made me cry. She was super super sweet, so that was the perfect start! Then my parents, Jay and Brandon surprised me with presents. I got this really cool hair dryer, underwear of course! and lots of gift cards so Cam and I can go out on a really romantic date. Then we went out for brunch at IHop, I had eggs benedict. It was really kinda sad for me because it was the last birthday as Nicole Kroeker, my next one will be as Mrs. Nicole Stehr. What an incredible thing to think about! I really enjoyed my family time, and like always we ordered WAY too much food but had such great and hilarious conversation. Then we went out for a Starbucks treat, and I was dropped off at Cams parents place. (Mom and Dad S!) Cam had my present waiting me, I got SO SPOILED! A elephant webkins stuffed animal, which I will admit I have such a blast playing online and I adore elephants. Then because of an inside joke between Cam and I and David Iwai, I got two big containers of The Body Shop body butter, passionfruit and strawberry, he told me that he smelt all the different ones to pick out his favorite for me! As well, Cam gave me a devotional book which he picked out himself and an adorable and super sweet card which he wrote things that practically brought me to tears! (thanks babe!) He got a juicy kiss and a super hug for the thoughtfulness and perfect gift! Then Mom S comes out with a present and balloon for me, what a sweet heart. I open it up and what do I find? A home-made recipe box!!!!!!! and this isn't just an ordinary recipe box, its a super box, crafted with a bunch of special scraptbook paper with the colors brown and green which are PERFECT for my new kitchen colors! I also got my favorite bubble bath :) Then Cam and I went and WE DID OUR REGISTRY! Well, we did half of it, wow its going to take a while. We got our bed and bath stuff done, and some other little things. We have to go back to put all of our kitchen stuff on. But first off we want to talk about what we really want for our kitchen. Then in November we're going to add a bunch of more "home" stuff to it which will reflect more of where we know we're going to live and what we know we're going to need. So thats good! and it was SO MUCH FUN! I got to let Cam hold the "gun scanner thingy" more than me, he loved it. He then took me out for dinner, which is such a treat because we never have the opportunity to do it. And I got to order a drink, which was a coconut bellini SO GOOD! Cam had his Guinness of course. I ordered a legendary burger with fries cause its such a rare thing for me to eat that kind of food, Cam had fish and chips. We then went out and grabbed a Starbucks! Yummies two for me! And we went to see Wall*E which was fantastic! I loved it, it was really cute. A love story between two robots! Cam and I then went back to my parents place and said "hi" we were both really exhausted and he went home. I stayed up for a bit with my parents and then went to bed! Such a GREAT day! I loved it, and I wanted to say thanks to everyone who emailed me and called me. THANKS HOLLY! THANK YOU Nantina and Alissa for your text messages! LOVED them. And Julie for your card. I just feel overwhelmed with all the love coming my way. Even today was great! I woke up at 5:30am I guess with habit from all the other Sundays up that early, and after forcing myself back to sleep I was up again and ready in time for church. I went with my parents, after we took a look around at some properties that they wanted to check out and then I was back at Cams parents place. We went strawberry picking which was a hoot! We're going to make it an annual thing! We're freezing all of our strawberries for later on in the year. Then I had a great Mexican dinner there and after a very full weekend I came home exhausted and ready for some pj's and now its time to go to bed. Im really excited for bed! I get to see Cam again on Tuesday which Im thrilled for and although this week at work will be exhausting most likely, it'll be fine.
My headaches are coming back and being very consistent, my stomach pain/cramps are still here and more intense in the mornings and Im not sure sometimes whats going on, its so weird to feel so disconnected with your body and to just have no idea what to think about it. But its just five or so weeks until the specialist. YES! seriously, SO HAPPY!
My invitation paper is being ordered on Monday and then once I get my hands on it, the invites will begin to get made. I had to modify my prototype a bit, but I am still very very pleased with how they are going to look, exactly what I had envisioned.
The next thing I guess is just to meet with Tracey for finalising the decor of the reception and then I will be officially waaaay ahead of the game. Actually it was kinda funny how most of the Bridal Gallery girls were so impressed with how far in advance I have everything done. They kept saying that most girls who are getting married in August have less done than me and my date is in December! I can't imagine.

Well... This post is so long that I assume most of you aren't going to read all of it and thats perfectly fine and definitely not expected.

Actually a really exciting thing for me lately is that I pulled out some of my old journals, I journal like a scribe and while I read most of my old entries I really began to grab a hold of who I was and I reflected on who I am today and noticed that my spiritual life was lacking significantly. I started to realise that I really am allowing other things in my life to overtake my identity and I was really saddened. Its like I lost myself in the messes of situations. So, I feel as though Ive found my "spunk" and myself again. Its as though I was putting God on the back burner and as soon as I realised how much of myself is found in being a child of God I lost those parts of me. So now, Im working really hard to bring them back. I have found my passions again and my desires, the reasons why I love the things I do, and the reasons why I stand up for what I do. The reasons why I so desperately love school, health, Cam, psychology, creativity, nature.. etc..

well, I better sign off before I end up writing a novel.

Blessings!