Anxiety is a liar

The overwhelming sense of panic comes over me. I stop and close my eyes and breathe. I say to myself, "I'm ok. I'm ok. Breathe in and out." I allow a few tears to stream down my face and return to the moment. 

"Mommy! Mommy!" Cries and screams come from Hazel as Edison shouts. I pick up my daughter and try with all my might to calmly speak to Edison. We haven't had anything to eat for lunch yet. Hazel didn't sleep the night before. I've had little sleep, I'm in tights and a stained T-shirt, my hair is in a messy bun, I haven't showered, there's no make up on my face. I say to myself "you've got this. It's ok." I attend to all the needs and finally eat. 

*deep breath* "I'm ok. I'm ok. I'm enough." 

Anxiety is a liar. 

My brain feels so out of control most days that it's hard to recognize myself in it anymore. I didn't realize the extent of my anxiety until I was forced by friends to face it head on. And then finding fhe perfect dose of medication in pregnancy was easy. I went from high anxiety to manageable anxiety levels. All the sudden I understood that what I was constantly battling wasn't normal. 

"Wait! Hold the front door. You're telling me that not everyone is terrified to leave their house? Not everyone can't take their kid to the library or grocery shopping or swimming without relentless fear and panic? Not everyone is petrified of driving if they don't know exactly where they're going and force their husbands to go with them?" 

Something was obviously horribly wrong and I kept eating crappy food for comfort and gaining weight, fixed to my phone  while ignoring the problem. 

I have generalized anxiety disorder which is made worse in pregnancy and postpartum. I was diagnosed in February and started taking medication right away. 

Today I'm learning more about my body and my brain. I'm trying hard to figure out what course of treatment is best and it's hard with all the fluctuations in hormones with my breastfeeding and postpartum body.  

Anxiety is a joy stealer. It tries to rob you of everything and leave you dazzled and confused, gasping for breath. The moments of consumed overwhelming sadness are horrible in the midst of them but I'll eventually figure it out and find a treatment that fits me the best. I'm not scared to share my struggle anymore since speaking with so many who go through it daily themselves. 

Self love matters 

Self care matters 

I matter 

I am enough 

Anxiety and depression are not welcome here 

Anxiety does not define me 

N. 

One of each

I have a daughter and I have a son. I am blessed. But I am not blessed solely because I have a daughter and a son. I am blessed because I have healthy children, their gender is irrelevant. So why am I coming across this comment again and again, "you've got one of each, you can be done now!" 

I'm sorry... What?! 

I don't know for certain if Cam and I are done having children. My daughter isn't even a month old yet, we've got time to consider our options. But I hate that others feel the need to comment on the topic and base it solely on the gender of my children. 

What if I wanted to birth only boys or only girls (I never have)? What if the perfect picture of my family included more than two? Who cares if I have "one of each." My family is complete the way Cam and I choose to complete it and the gender of my children have nothing to do with that. 

N. 

Hazel Elisabeth's birth story

I was really hoping that this time would be different and that I would get the all natural birth I greatly desired. I wanted so badly to do it without drugs, without medical interventions, without the looming risk of oxytocin and postpartum hemorrhage.  But alas that is not the way it went and that's okay.

On Tuesday, April 12th I had to go into Jim Pattison for fetal monitoring. I was "post date" at 41 weeks pregnant and since it is procedure to do the monitoring and the ultrasound I didn't think much of it. Cam had the day off which worked out great because I would not have taken well to the news that I needed induction immediately without him. I had the monitoring and all was fine, bean was doing great so we thought we'd be going home in no time. Then came the ultrasound, I went in the room alone and after a few minutes that ultrasound technician said "looks like you're having a baby today!" and left the room. I was shaking, confused and upset that she would say such a thing. She returned to me with an envelope and told me to head back upstairs. I was freaking out, Cam was keeping it together for the both of us. We went upstairs and were told that I needed to go to the hospital right away, that I wasn't to go home, I had low fluid and since I was post dates I needed to get induced that day or risk my placenta failing.

Once we had called everyone we needed to call to arrange plans for Edison and to get our bags to the hospital. We headed over to Surrey Memorial, I was in triage for HOURS waiting for a room, the OB explained that I would be getting induced but that I first needed an oxytocin challenge to ensure my baby would take the induction well. If I failed the oxytocin test I would be getting a c-section that night. I was so emotional with it all that I was having a hard time talking myself through my anxiety. Thank goodness for Cam, my amazing doula Heidi and the fantastic nurse I got who made the process less intimidating. I got my room, and then the challenge started and baby bean passed! The OB came in, inserted my cervidil and insisted that I get some sleep after my hour of additional monitoring. Seriously, get some sleep? Yah right! I managed about two and a half hours of sleep before contractions woke me up at 6am.

My contractions started out light and steadily increased in intensity as long as I was moving around. The minute that I sat down my contractions stopped but I was so exhausted from everything the night before that I was just getting more and more exhausted by all the walking. I walked all around the new area of Surrey hospital, the stair case and my room. I dealt with the increased intensity by using the TENS pads (if you labour you seriously MUST use this fantastic machine!) which made me very happy. I wanted nothing to do with the shower and longed for a giant bathtub. After 12 hours and only a 3cm progress I was done and needed desperately to rest. I was worried about transition, pushing and a possible c-section if I couldn't progress enough. I knew I was running out of time and that medical intervention was looming. So I asked my OB for a game plan, for an epidural and oxytocin to try and progress that way so I could rest. She agreed, along with my midwife and nurse. We had a plan and I although I was happy to see progress I was terrified of a hemorrhage and the oxytocin drip. I was so sad that I couldn't have the birth I wanted, I was exhausted and emotional and anxious. The tears started flowing and I cried throughout my epidural process, I cried and cried.

Heidi helped me lay down and I swear I felt my waters break, the nurse checked me and insisted that my waters didn't break. Quickly after I started to experience episodes of pressure with every contraction. I obviously didn't feel pain but the pressure was incredibly uncomfortable and after a hour and a half my body took over and started pushing without me doing anything about it. I started saying "I'm pushing I'm pushing!!" my nurse ran to get my midwife and she checked me with a shocked look saying "yep, you're 10." They quickly got the bed ready (taking off the end of the bed) and my midwife said "we're not doing this until we're all here." My room filled with nurses from the nurses station and I was encouraged to keep pushing. So I pushed with all my might, my eyes closed and with A LOT of screaming. Hazel came out in ten minutes, blue and stunned. With a couple of swats on the feet she started to cry and Cam told me she was a girl! I started to cry, smile and couldn't believe how quickly she came after my epidural.

I got my epidural at 7pm, she was born at 8:58pm. She was 8lbs 8oz and 51 centimeters long.

I am so so thankful that she came healthy and happy, that I was supported throughout my labour and delivery, that I didn't hemorrhage at all. Our hospital stay was long (Tuesday to Saturday) but we came home to our boys and have been a happy family of four! We're all adjusting well, doing our best and enjoying every moment with our little Hazel girl.

Thank you everyone for the love, support and food being sent our way. It's all been much appreciated,
N.

Sometimes pregnancy is hard

I've been feeling the need to express the difficulty I'm experiencing this pregnancy. It's overwhelming at most times, encompassing and dibilitating. What is happening? How can I accomplish my responsibilities? How can I be a good mother? A good wife? A good teacher? A good friend? 

God help me. 

I've been experiencing serious sinus congestion since September 28th. I just quite literally woke up one morning with a cough and stuffy nose that has gotten worse and refuses to go away. It's gotten to the point where I cough so hard I end up throwing up. And now the pressure in my sinuses has gotten so bad my teeth and ears are regularly affected. I'm constantly blowing my nose. I can't smell or taste anything. There's no pain, no sore throat, no body aches, no fever, no sickly feeling. Just straight up awful congestion and the worst part is that because I'm pregnant I can't take anything. Even giving me antibiotics for a possible sinus infection is putting my baby through unnecessary medical exposure because if it is viral antibiotics won't work. So yippee for me.  

It is through this experience that I realize how powerless I feel. It's so easy to fall into a mindset where I believe I can't possibly be a good mother. I can't possibly be doing enough in my home or at work. I can't possibly be handling this right. I should be doing more with Edison. I should be doing more at work. I should be cleaning more, doing laundry more, staying ontop of grocery shopping and meal planning. I should... I should... 

I should be taking care of my body more.  I should be eating better. I should be walking every day. Okay, maybe every other day at least. Surely I shouldn't be relaxing as much as I am. I should be handling this better. 

If I can't do this well then how in the world can I take care of my son and new baby? How in the world can I manage? 

God help me. 

Sometimes pregnancy can be so damn hard and overwhelming. Sometimes everything just feels so impossible. 

N. 

My anxious mind

It's honestly been much more difficult for me this round to enjoy every aspect of this pregnancy. I'm very happy to be pregnant and the anticipation of this life coming into our family has been wonderful. But I've been anxiously scared along the way. 

Now with the worry of what sort of bug and/or infection is plaguing me at the moment. I'm once again terrified that baby bean is in trouble. I sit waiting and hoping that I'll feel movement to get some sort of mental relief. I pray and sit bringing myself back to a place of peace. It's exhausting to stop myself from thinking the worst.  

This is the aftermath of miscarriage. This is a mothers anxious mind after loss. I know that the possibility is there. I've felt just a taste of the heartbreak. It's hard to forget, to trust and give it over to the divine. But I'm trying. 

Only 23 weeks left to go. 

N. 

15 weeks pregnant!

How far along: 15 weeks! 

Size of baby: navel orange (11cm) 

Weight gain/loss: went to the doctor a week ago and found out that I haven't gained a pound so far. I'm definitely glad for that and hope I can keep it up. 

Maternity clothes: I'm in maternity clothes 100% of the time. I'm needing to get more shirts so I hope to get back to the mall soon. Plus a friend is letting me borrow her maternity stash. I need to get to her place to pick it up. 

Movement: not sure what I'm feeling lately.  Sometimes it's a pressure type sensation and sometimes not so much. I'm just waiting for definite flutters. I can't wait got the flutters. 

Sleep: I'm not sleeping very well because of all the coughing I've been doing. I've been sickly for over a week now and it's been really annoying. I'm not getting any better even with diffusing essential oils on a regular basis. I'm coughing up phlegm constantly but I can't get it out so it's hanging out in my lungs and I'm positive that's not good. 

Cravings: gummie candy! Please someone give me some sugary gummie candy, lol. 

Symptoms: heartburn is the worst! I'm chewing tums and taking Zantac every day. My face is looking AWFUL, thank goodness for makeup. My hips are just starting to hurt this weekend. 

Best moment of the week: When I saw my parents on Saturday and my Dad immediately rubbed my baby belly and talked directly to Bean. I loved that. 

Also, according to Edison 9 times out of ten he says he's having a sister! 

Another week gone, only 25 weeks left! Wow! This is going by fast. 

N. 

One year ago today...

One year ago today I was in my doctors office and sat nervously as I waited for my doctor to burst through the door with an enthusiastic "congratulations". Unfortunately; that did not happen. 

"So we think we're pregnant?" My heart sunk into my chest, I could feel it racing, blood flowing, everything in me wanting to collapse into a heap of tears. 

"Your pregnancy test came back negative," she said. "But don't panic. It might be too early to test." 

But I knew. I knew my dates, I have always been diligent in writing them down. I knew it wasn't too early. I knew my symptoms weren't as strong as they were weeks prior. I knew what this meant and I was devastated. 

I went for a blood test shortly after seeing her. She wanted to see my hormone levels and said she'd call that night with the results. I remember staring out the window while a friendly nurse took my blood. I remember feeling numb, as though that needle didn't exist. The drive home was quiet. My mom cooked us dinner that night and I waited for my phone to ring. 

Cam decided to take Edison out for a walk before bed and while they were gone it rang. I leaped for my phone and ran down the stairs to talk alone with my doctor. "I'm so so sorry Nicole, you are pregnant. But according to your blood results your pregnancy hormone levels are too low. I'm afraid your pregnancy has not made it past four weeks gestation. According to your dates you are over six weeks pregnant. Are you sure your dates are correct?" 

"Yes" 

"I'm so so sorry, but your pregnancy isn't viable. You should start bleeding soon." 

She stayed on the phone with me for about twenty minutes as I cried. She kept saying sorry. She told me that I didn't need to wait to try again but that if I did want to wait that was okay too. In that moment she was the exact person that I needed to tell me the information that I needed to hear. She was incredibly supportive, like a best friend would be. She was genuinely sad for me. I am forever grateful to her for that. 

I spent that night crying. I cried like I've never cried before. I told my baby that he/she could let go and that we would be okay. I didn't expect to get any sleep that night but all the tears somehow put me to sleep. A few hours later I woke up to pain and bleeding. That was it. My baby was gone.

I realize that to some my baby may not have been a baby at all. I never got to hold it, feel it move in my womb, see it on the ultrasound monitor. I don't have any evidence of it's existence other than the scar left on my heart. But my pregnancy was a pregnancy. My baby had every intention of becoming my second born child. I'll never understand why it had to be this way but I trust Gods goodness and believe in His faithfulness. 

I would never compare my loss to that of a full term pregnancy loss. But my loss is still a loss and has still left a very very real mark. I spent countless hours crying, countless moments praying and absolutely fell into depression because of it. I thank God, my husband and son everyday for their grace and mercy to help me see the beauty in my life again. 

One year ago today I lost something precious to me but today I'm blessed by my third pregnancy and the little one dancing healthfully in my womb. I may be scared to death most moments that I'll loose this one too but my trust is in my God. I'm so damn grateful for this life and my babies. 

N.

Pumpkins tree in it's new home in our new backyard. This tree is my healing tree and everytime I see it I'm reminded of my angel baby.