so its been a while... I know... Im sorry, for those of you who read my wonderful array of tales. Its been crazy busy for me, I have switched with Richelle (my wonderful file buddy) from night to super early morning shifts. So in the past I couldn't do anything cause I was working late, now Im exhausted and need to get used to the early shifts (which I LOVE) to be able to have energy to make it through the week. Other than the lack of time and energy (what else is new?) life is going really well... things are good, I really shouldn't be complaining.

however... today when I sat outside wearing my lulu lemon sweater which I love!!!! and reading my bible. 1 John, which is one of my favorite books. Things kinda hit me. So I finally took the envelope out of my basket on the hutch in my parents house (which Ive had for a month and been avoiding), the one that the hospital sent me for my appointment and I opened it up with stomach pain turning in my gut. I read the blue sheet which explains what I need to bring to the appointment, any history of surgeries which is something I expected to read (no surgeries of my past). And then comes the paragraph about how it is highly recommended to bring someone for support, and that the person you bring will be registered along with you at the hospital, to help you in the room for encouragement and to discuss treatment. All the sudden that paragraph made things a little bit more scary for me.

If you read Kortney's blog (falling leaf) on the right hand side of my blog you will come across an entry when she talks about how she prayed and prayed and cried and cried to God to be given the gift of children. Its the worst feeling in the world to know that there is a high statistic against you that children could not happen if Endo in fact is your condition. And if you're like me, or Kort, in desperate want to be a mother. Then you can understand how depressing this disease can be. Thankfully I am convinced that I will have children, but the fear that I have absolutely NO CLUE whats going on in my body is very overwhelming... especially when being asked millions of personal questions on a sheet of paper, the questions you know when being answered in the little examining room could mean the differences of being under a knife and in surgery, or taking birth control pills until menopause creeps up... or worse, ending up at square one again with no clue with the happenings of my body.
Each of these "options" are not exactly what I thought for myself five years ago when this all started to happen.

so I realised today, as I sat outside, as I read 1 John... that the trust I give has to truly fall in the hands of God. Im sure that everyone who reads this does not believe the way I do, and that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that I know what I believe and what I stand for, and if believing that health, full health, complete health is in the hands of God and trusting in him through this process brings me greater faith than that is exactly what I will do.

Its not easy to not know what to do... I am exceptionally thankful that I don't have cancer, that I am blessed and priveledged, but disease and disorders, sickness of any kind, especially when you truly have NO IDEA whats going on is exhausting, and emotionally frustrating and depressing.

On another note: PRAISE GOD that I am as blessed as I am to have my family, my job and especially my Cam.

Blessings! :)