More of my journey to healing...

It's been a little while since I've written about my ongoing journey in my treatment against Vestibulodynia. I am currently doing a lot better in the emotional department of all of this. I guess I just decided to take the perspective of "this has happened, it doesn't change who I am or how much I love my husband or my life, I will accept it, treat it and move on". So, here I am in acceptance of this condition. It doesn't mean that I wake up happy about it every morning. It just means that I smile and thank God for each moment of every day because I am thankful for the blessings I have in life. This problem will not kill me, it will not prevent me from having children, it will not prevent me from being intimate with my husband and it will not deprive me of my happiness.

So here we go with an update:

The last cognitive therapy appointment I had was really interesting, the therapist talked about the connection between our thoughts, emotions, behaviour and physical responses and how they are all interconnected with one another. Not one aspect can be changed without the others being affected by the change. Therefore, if I choose to change my thought proccesses or behaviours in regards to this disease, then the physical (ie: pain) may change too! My homework was to identify the things that I am believing to be true about this problem. The example she used was the thought of "this problem will never change" then there is a sheet to fill out with questions about that thought process. It asks what is your evidence to support your thought? What is the evidence that goes against your thought? Rate your thought in terms of how much you believe it to be true, etc... By doing this we are to see and identify that the opposite can be true of our negative thought process instead of the thought itself. What I mean is, there are thousands of women who have come out of this treatment and similar treatments like this one with incredible success. Therefore, I can also find success in defeating this disease and conclude that my intital thought of "this problem will never change" is wrong! I CAN be successful and get to a point where I can be intitmate with my husband without intense pain. I am VERY excited for that day :)

My last physio appointment was one of the best and most positive experiences I've had thus far in this program! She said that I was doing GREAT (did you just read that? she said great!). This makes me really happy because I was really concerned that the exercises I was doing daily on my own weren't changing anything. One of the things I am supposed to do is rate my pain every day by doing a particular self examination type technique that I will NOT discuss here (sorry!). I am starting to realise that this pain is "no big deal" I still have the pain but I am no longer emotionally attached to it. That may sound weird, trust me it sounded weird to me too at the beginning but I understand now what it means. At my first physio appointment when the doctor was showing me what to do for this particular self exam she mentioned "it is really important for you to not be emotinally attached to the pain". She said, "you have to accept that there will be some discomfort, maybe you'll experience some pain but before you preform the self exam relax your pelvic muscles (which she continues to teach me how to do) and bring your mind to a place with no emotional attachement, just acceptance". I feel like I've begun to get really good at this, it's not even really an expectation anymore to feel the pain. Rather it's like a "I accept that this pain may be felt but it's ok either way" type of experience now. I hope that when I go back again next week for my last physio that she will give me a thumbs up, more exercises to do and then send me on my way without any more follow up. I am bringing Cam with me and we have a lot of questions to ask the doctor in terms of intimacy and then pregnancy too (for future reference).

I am confident that I will get better, that this program is helping me to get better. I am so HAPPY that I am doing it and getting the chance to experience change in this part of my life. I am no longer haunted by it, or sad by it. I am accepting that this has happened and that it is OK that it has. I am kneeling infront of God, the rock of my life and offering it all to Him and asking for healing and peace. And I am thankful that this has only brought my husband and I closer together, I love him more today than I did the day we met and our wedding day.

Thanks for reading,
Blessings on you today,

N.