Another hard day

Today was another one of those hard days, the type where I stay in my pjs with unwashed hair because my son is screaming so often. The type where I look at him with tears in my eyes because I just don't know why. The type where I question when these hard days will end.

I love my son.

I love his precious smile and his coos. I love the way he grabs my fingers to chew on and how he looks up at me when he nurses. I love it when he buries his head in my shoulder and how only I have the privilege of supplying his meals. I love his big blue eyes and adore that his nose looks similar to mine.

But I'm saddened when days like today happen and my smiling boy is replaced with a screaming, teary eyed mess of a child. A child that won't take my hugs or kisses or attempts at comfort. A child that seems impossible to please. A child that feels so far from my sweet, precious boy. A child that I still so desperately love. And I sit there with tears welling up in my eyes, holding him tight and beg to understand what the heck is going on.

There was no excessive spit up today but lots of tummy rumbling, lots of farting, lots of drooling and a more irritated than normal diapered bum. I've eaten no dairy or gluten (to my knowledge) in the past 24 hours and actually feel pretty good physically. Yet, my son has cried himself to such a hysterical point that he turned bright red and went stiff as a board several times today.

What. The. F@$k. Seriously!!

I love being a mommy. I love watching my baby boy grow up and I believe this is my greatest calling in life. But it feels so damn hard when the crying won't end and my baby is in obvious pain and I can't seem to do anything right to help him. What do I do? When will this end? But at the same time, dear God I don't want to miss it! I want to enjoy my three month old little man, he will never be this little ever again. But please, may his screaming turn to laughter soon really really soon.


I just don't know what's going on anymore 😢
N.