YIPPPEEEEEEEEE.... so I went to the doctors today and it was such a wonderful appointment. I went and got more blood work done and there are some other things that they are going to check, but all in all... health is on its way! I am SO EXCITED and I FINALLY know exactly what to do!

PRAISE GOD!

Blessings and a Happy New Year to all!

you know... I feel so much like the answer is there right in front of me. That I have the strength to do what I need to do in regards to eating well, and spending the time I need to spend in the word of God. Yet... at the same time there is still that part of me that holds me back. That whispers that its not going to happen. I still find it truly difficult to deal with all that goes on in me, my body feels so foreign to me. I guess thats kind of hard to understand, but its almost as if I try to do something good, that I have one answer and then all the sudden another pops up and something once again seems to be wrong.

Ive been getting bad, dizzy headaches and I kept wondering what was going on. Friends said its my eyes and to check it out. So I went to a doctor, after a month of these headaches... I couldn't deal with it anymore, it was like I needed to sleep all the time. So, more tests. As well, my doctor said that I can't get all the nutrition that my body needs if I choose to go forward in a vegetarian diet. He said that its almost impossible to get all the protein and substances that my body is obviously craving. So, he suggested that I reconsider and go back on eating lean chicken and fish. Well, fish is out of the question. The last time I ate salmon I was sick for four days. However, chicken and turkey may not be a bad idea. Go on it for a while, get my strength back in other areas, take the detox stuff and get back to normal. Then work on getting rid of the chicken/turkey allergy. I mean, Ive dealt with the stomach stuff before... I can surely do it again. I can't handle this "drunk" feeling any longer, its driving me crazy... I feel like I can't function.

Its nuts huh? One doctor tells you to do one thing, and another the opposite. One test reveals your allergic to meat, yet another could reveal that I need meat in order to function. That I could possibly have low blood sugar and low iron. BA! hahaha... so Im in limbo... again...

Please Father God, please guide me to the answer and the plan that I can follow, that is right for me to regain my health.

Blessings.

Each and every time I see these girls, my heart melts and I grow more in love with them. They are Cams sisters girls. The adorable red head is Jackie who belongs to Michele and the blonde cutie is Addie who belongs to Jen. Both of these girls are precious and wonderful. I had such an amazing time holding them, cuddling with them, chasing them around, playing with them and watching them make my heart melt a little more. I want children! I sure do... I miss them already and I just left them a couple hours ago.
This Christmas feels different. And Im not sure why. Maybe its because of all the time Ive spent at Cams parents place, hanging out with the family, becoming more apart of the family and just seeing what life will be like down the road.
Or maybe its because the hardwood in our home was just put in so that the last week was spend putting our place back together again. The tree did just go up a couple days ago.
Maybe its also because school ended just last week, and I wasn't home with my family as often. There hasn't been a gingerbread house decorated, no Christmas train at Stanley park, no waiting in line to see Santa, no making a snow fort in the snow... none of that... just a different kind of style this year. But none-the-less days leading up to this Christmas Eve, and tomorrow, Christmas day!
What an amazing time of year.

I am so thankful for what this time of year truly means. That Jesus Christ was born to the virgin Mary to save us all from ourselves. That he sacrificed himself at Easter, but was born on Christmas. PRAISE GOD! for his most precious gift.
AMEN!

Blessings to you all this Christmas!

while I hugged a friend good-bye the other day... actually two separate friends going two separate ways in their lives, compared to mine. I realized that life most certainly moves on. Friends move away, go in different directions, get married, have children, buy property, get new jobs. There is such a strange sense that seasons come and seasons go in the year... but I find also in life. I love how one of my close friends calls the times of her life "seasons" That they are almost like chapters of a book that describe every specific part of where she is, and where she goes. I adore that phrase and try to use it as my own.
In my own life I have experienced many different seasons, some bad, some good, some not-so-good, some not-so-bad. All having their own friends, their own style of myself, their own meaning and specific direction to bring me to the next chapter. And although some things that have happened in those seasons have been hard to admit where honest mistakes were made in an honest naive way most times, I don't trade anything in for something else. Because if I had, then the season I'm living at this moment would not be the way it is.
Even the seasons that are meshed with others, I bring everything... every experience, heartache, pain, joy, praise into the next chapter of my life. Working through everything to somehow, in some way be the person and continue to walk in the direction that God has laid out for me. Wherever that is, whoever I am made to be.
I love the people that have walked with me through every aspect of my life. And those that may say that I never loved or cared for them. Please recognize your mistake. That part of who I was, or the part of me that was begging to be something more, loved you with what I had at that moment in time. And if you are my precious friend today, still living with me, going through the stages of my life with me, and those of your own, please understand as well that we may not be together forever. And thats okay! For the love of friends, never truly fades away.
I've begun to understand this and have found peace, I've mourned over the idea that the people I love with so much of my heart may not be with me tomorrow, or the year next. Not because of death, but because of life. Because direction is fickle, things happen, lives move on... and thats okay.
I am thankful for who I am... I am thankful especially for the God I serve, but I am as well thankful for those who have been such great friends. Even those that have been acquaintances, or those that have hurt me in some way or other, or who I may have hurt as well.
Growth, life, moving on... it hurts... but its necessary. And I am thankful for that too!

Blessings on all!

Yesterday Columbia had their Christmas Banquet, It was a lot of fun. Cam and I sat with Carlene, Nate, Julie, Erin and Donna. Lots of laughs and seeking in the food line! Im coming home to Surrey December 14th! Im very very excited to have three weeks of relaxation, no stress, and just Christmas fun!!! yay!!!

I need to go Christmas shopping :S eeeeeekkkk.... its getting too close!

Blessings,
Nicole.

So for those of you who do not know, I LOVE Christmas! So as I sit here looking at the Christmas lights in my apartment with stockings, a mini tree, advent calenders and ordainments hanging from the ceiling. I am in such excitement that the day is near where we have the opportunity to be blessed with family fellowship, sing carols (we already have some stuck in our heads) and eat a wonderful meal. But most importantly celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!
This time of year, is seriously the best!

Blessings!

One of the things that I have been thinking a lot about lately is just life in general. My life has been filled of things, good things, great things, hard things, sucky times, blessed events! I am thrilled with the life that I have been blessed with. I am excited beyond words for the future I am working towards.
My parents named me Nicole Elisabeth. And although I do not know what Elisabeth means, Nicole I do know, means VICTORY. This is why the name of this blog is Forgiven.Victory. I am forgiven in Christ and I am victorious in Him through all the stuff in my life.
I am going to counseling, and I am not ashamed that I am. I am thrilled that I am! I am working through things in my life that have held me for years beyond what I am able to remember, and I am excited for the Victory that has taken place in my life. My parents rightfully named me Nicole, for I have become Victorious over much in my life. And continue to win over more.

This picture was taken at Katie and Mike Hughes wedding. What a gorgeous wedding it was! I am so thankful that Cam is in my life, I love him more than the word love can even express and I am excited for the wonderful that God has in store for us!

Blessings! :)

I was sitting here contemplating about life, and my long weekend back home in Surrey with my parents when I came to realize how immensely blessed I am in my relationship with my mother. Of course there are those times when we get onto one another's nerves, when we say things we don't mean and hurt one another. But every relationship goes through those times. Yet despite those times, my mother and I have the typical "Gilmore Girls" relationship. We are friends, we are family, she is what a sister would get to be in my life. And I am BLESSED!
I shared some life changing news with my mother this past weekend, and truth be told I made her cry in the soup aisle at Save-on-Foods. But that is what I can count on, tears of joy when the news is good, and tears of sorrow when I can't seem to find joy in anything. My mother will always be such a huge part of who I am. She has helped shape me into the woman I continue to become, the good in me, the bad in me, the bold in me. It comes from her amazing mothering skills, and overwhelming love. I am grateful for my Mommy, and I am excited for what the end of 2007, and whole of 2008 will bring for the both of us!

I love you mom!

Don't cha love my wonderful art work?... I DO!

I was inspired by my grandmother before the summer, to start painting. My grandmother, Helen Fast-Kroeker, is the most extravagant painter I know. seriously, she's amazing, and Im not even being biased because she is my grandmother. I figured that some of her wonderful talent MUST have rubbed off on me. So... this is my very first attempt at painting, no classes, no previous knowledge, just paint, a brush and me. Along with Traci, Julie and some worship music.

Ive been thinking a lot lately, and along with my new found love for painting, I have discovered that there is so much emotion worth capturing.
My heart has been consumed with tears and darkness lately, lots of things in my life has been weighing me down and I can't seem to break free from them.
I even just discussed with my roomies, the feeling of having to rip off a band-aid, where there is a huge wound underneath. But not wanting to remove the band-aid. Anything else...anything else God, just don't remove the band-aid, don't allow me to see how big the wound is underneath (the comfortable place I have rested in). No matter how self destructive this place is.
I can see, I have been told the things that need to be done, I can see my own behaviors, I understand the consequences. Yet there is the step to take to consciously rip myself from the comfortable place and expose myself for who I really am...

Father God, when I close my eyes, I see myself sitting on your lap, you holding my life before me. Here I can recognize that YOU are in control, that YOU have my life within your fatherly care. I ask for your strength, I ask for you rip off the band-aid of comfortable pain and reluctance, I ask for you to show me that your strength is all I need to get through, that I can do all that you are asking me, that I don't need to be fearful.
Please help me to see that the wound isn't as scary as I make it out to be.
Amen.

Blessings!

"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:19

I really love this verse. Mainly because we just finished doing a project on it in Hermeneutics class, and secondly because I feel like it speaks into my life perfectly. It may not be that God willed it for me to allow myself to do what has been done to my body. BUT I know that he wills for him to be glorified through it. That he wishes for me to not sit in self despair, hurting myself further, but to get up out of the darkness and walk confidently in who I am and more importantly in who he is. My identity does not come from sickness, not from what I eat, but from Christ alone.

Blessings! :)

I am SO BLESSED! to have such a wonderful house this year at CBC, Amber and Traci are amazing! Everything is so much fun!!!! This is most defiantly my home. Lately I've been thinking of all the things I am blessed with. And I am blessed with more than I can imagine. A wonderful family, a wonderful boyfriend, wonderful friends and school environment. Even the boys next door are like my missing brothers from home. I just can not believe that although I get frustrated, although I get sad and down, that the life I live is beyond what words can express. I am thankful, I am happy with my life and with what steps I am taking to walk in the will of God to make each day better than the next.

Thanks for blessing me! You are appreciated!

so you would think that things would be easier now that I know exactly what is making me sick. But unfortunately thats not the case. I think that the whole eating completely differently than what was expected is almost harder. I feel lost. I have no idea what its like to not eat meat, I haven't touched it really since the results. I feel like I am eating carbs way too much, but I only have tortilla wraps (no yeast) as my source of "bread". At this moment I have excruciating pain on my left side which hasn't gone away, and I haven't eaten anything off the "no" list. I wonder if it is psychological, thinking for so long that dairy, wheat, sugar was making me sick and all the sudden finding out that its fine. Either that, or Im not eating enough, so when I eat a normal size meal all the sudden my "insides" get blocked and it causes great pain. I've been on the couch since 7pm and its close to midnight.

I ask for fellow believers to pray for me and for guidance to help me discover what it is I am supposed to do. There is so much preparation, so my time, effort, that needs to go into all of this. I feel so much like I don't have a grasp on anything and the cravings have become overwhelming again.
I mean sugar is alright, coffee is alright, dairy is alright, as long as I am giving myself time in between my helpings. I can't over due it. I just don't have the body that allows such a thing.

Its getting used to who I am, discovering the body I have been given. Its understanding whats going on.
My mom was encouraging yesterday. She said "you have Leaky Gut Syndrome Nicole, it took years for you to get to this point, you cannot expect it to take you a week to heal and recover"
shes right!
the villi (I think I spelled that right) are shrinking and retracting because of all the sensitivity in my system, this is NOT GOOD! but its reality for me.
Its something I can not ignore, its something I can not deny, its something that will live with me for a while longer. And God has blessed me by introducing me to healing in this way.

I need to allow God to be glorified through this... I can not allow this to be all about me. I will have no strength on my own accord to get through this.

Thanks for listening to my ranting... I greatly appreciate it!

Blessings!

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT!!!! I hardly believe it myself... actually I am in a state of complete shock as to what my test results are. No worries, it's nothing horrible and it is DEFINITELY something doable. so what Am I sooo crazed about??

I am allergic to MEAT!!!! hahahahaah.... come on now, laugh with me!
Thats right, No:
Beef, Chicken, Turkey, or Eggs.
ALSO! NO:
shell fish of any kind, and no fish in general.
I will NEVER again be able to eat tuna or sole fish, the sensitivity is the highest on the scale. As well, Salmon is one food that will probably take me years to regain.

BUT! you haven't heard the clincher yet...
I AM NOT ALLERGIC TO: wheat, gluten or cows milk! :P

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!?!?!?!?!?
This means that I can have wheat, I can have icecream, I can have chocolate!
I CAN HAVE COFFEE!!!!!

BUT!!!!!!
I am allergic to Yeast :P
which still means no bread, no baking, nothing at all with yeast in it. No crackers, no cake, no donuts, none of that fun stuff still... As well, those things contain egg.
So the whole time I thought I was wheat/gluten/dairy sensitive, I was actually reacting to the egg and yeast in bread and baking products.
AMAZING right!? :)

As well, NO goats milk, NO cheese, NO cottage cheese.
and FINALLY! an explanation for my mother as to why I was so sick as a new born and why I had such horrible stomach pain... I am allergic to breast milk! (go figure huh!?)

So... ALL fruit is okay!!!! yay!!!! and I am only allergic to garlic, green beans, carrots and peas in the veg department.
Along with NO peanuts, NO sesame, NO oats, NO white rice (but brown rice and wild rice is okay)

My body is still severely sensitive, I am on a liver detox, and there are still some funky hormone tests and such things I need to do... I need to keep going back once a month, I have waaaaaaaaay more protein shakes, oil supplements, pills and such things that I'll need a serious system, journal and calendar log of everything!!!

I can not eat ANYTHING the same every day... I need to wait for four days until I can eat something I ate four days ago. I HAVE to do this. If I don't then I will become sensitive to different things all over again... a new way of life for me I guess!

Tomorrow I will wake up a vegetarian... and I will most likely have to stay that way for a LOOOONNNNGGGG time in order to confirm that I can regain it back. If I stay away, regain and than eat meat all the time again within a couple months, the sensitivity will come back again. Better to stay away and keep staying away. As well, every year I will have to take this blood test and re-adjust my diet to the results.

SO!... thats it!!!! different huh???
But I know that I can make it work... having icecream, and chocolate back makes my day!!!! I already bought a chocolate bar today and had a frapp!!!
yippppeeee for it all, its good news and bad news, but its news that I can handle and that I was preparing myself for... for a loonnng time!
FINALLY! I have clearance and confirmation.

Be as Blessed as I!
and PRAISE GOD! that it's not as bad as it could be... I am honestly completely HAPPY!

This is it... tomorrow I am going in for my results, I can not even believe that it has come this fast already. I feel nervous for it, yet at the same time I feel ready to finally know and finally start my six month journey of elimination dieting. As well, its been a month since I first went to Galina, and Ive "cheated" only three times! and not really big cheats either... THIS IS HUGE! I used to cheat all the time, I used to pig out, I used to be obsessed with it all. And now, I just cheated three times in ONE MONTH! whoa. I am proud of myself. I just need to keep it up (not the cheating, the LACK of cheating!). Today I had a bit of chocolate in anticipation for tomorrow, a small treat for the big day. Tomorrow marks the start of another big change, I know that I can do it... I've proven it already. I am so proud of what I have done, who I have become (in regards to self discipline) THANK YOU! for your support, I am seriously going to need it more and more these next six months.

I'll post my results tomorrow... just in case you're a little curious.

Be Blessed! :)

MY STYE IS GONE!!! .... I repeat... MY STYE IS GONE!!! poof, last night I was in bed with a puffy, painful eye, this morning woke up and kept blinking to make sure it was true... and it was! no more painful eye! yippppeeeee.....

so you may be wondering about this picture, my right eye in this photo is puffy because I have a stye. It was taken back in April of this year and now today the nice doctor at the walk in clinic informed me that... FUN FUN I have another one!!!! in the other eye. It hurts like CRAZY! but Ive been placing a hot cloth on it and its taken away some of the pain and I have antibiotics for it as well, which makes it hurt too... BUT at least I now know what it is.

so you know what made my week? I CAN HAVE SALTED KETTLE CHIPS!!! but only kettle chips and only the salted or salt & pepper flavor. I am SUPER excited.

As well..... CAM IS A SWEET HEART! he took me to the clinic, waited a hour for me to go in and out, and went shopping with me twice this week for groceries. He has had to deal with my dizziness and stupid painful eye this week too... wow!! he has GOT to love me. I mean, he sees my crazy health stuff, and I mean ALL OF IT. He has a front row center seat.... and is so willing to comfort me, take me wherever I need to go, and be a sweetheart in the midst of it all.
I LOVE YOU CAM!!!!! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH FOR ALL YOU DO FOR ME!!!!!! **muah**

Be Blessed all you! :)

TWO MORE WEEKS UNTIL I GET MY BLOOD TEST RESULTS!!!!!!

I attempted to make chicken noodle soup with rice noodles today for lunch...it was GROSS :P so I resorted to peanutbutter and banana on rice bread...mmmmmmmmm... at least the pineapple was good! :) but you know what I was most defiantly thankful for this thanksgiving??!!! I got rice crust, non dairy pumpkin pie yesterday at thanksgiving dinner. you have no idea how amazing it was!!!! my life rocked yesterday with my pie...mmmmm.... I can still taste it! :)

so... today I cheated and ate an entire banana loaf that my grandmother gave me. **tear** Im really sad that I did it... but I literally felt like I could not handle it anymore, the cravings were out of control and I had already felt sick because of some potatoes I ate today, as well as breakfast which did NOT agree, so I was sick all day (and by the way both of those times were food that I am supposed to be able to have and I still got sick)

:'( baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....... I think I just need to have a good cry, pull myself together again and remind myself of why I can't just eat like everyone else.

I knew that I had to post this slip, or else it would eat me up alive **sniff sniff**

Love me please, and please pray for me.

Be Blessed.

I pretty much love this photo!!! We went to the fire hall last night, for unit meeting. It was SO MUCH FUN! we got to climb up all over the fire trucks, and shoot water outta the hose!!! YAY!!!

well... today was my first really hard day. I don't know why especially, it just was. Maybe the reality of this situation is setting in, maybe I've had enough salad to last me for a loooooong time that thinking about eating more lettuce makes me feel like a rabbit. I have no idea!! hahahaha... but its hard. I said a short prayer today while making my boiled potatoes, that I submit this all to God. I mean, I'm doing it for a reason, it's not just "cause" its waaaay more than that. You would be happy to know that even in the midst of my hard day, I did not cheat. Not once! I do not have the luxury. If I cheat and fall back into my old ways I am afraid I will never get out of them. I will not be able to go back to the doctor (I got a firm talking to by my parents and the doctor herself about the consequences of cheating), I will not be successful, I have to find the strength within my self to stand up and say "I am worthy of this! I am strong! I am able" and I am.... I know that I am.

Blessings! :)