although the pain of realtionships are still very real and still a very repeating process, i have discovered that the joys of realtionships continously overthrow the bad encounters.
things are good... life is wonderful... and the darkness of night has brightened with singing birds and blooming flowers. what has progressed you may ask to make me talk of birds and flowers?
the acknowledgement that i am among the fallen in the world....what i mean is that my thoughtprocesses have caused me more harm than good, on most days. I now have to come to terms that there will always be a fight in the way I think, and that capturing my thoughts is a practice i need in every way to learn..
the enemy has made expert attempts in making one feel rotten and distorting their mind to think of themselves as nothing other than the fallen being they are.
ive got news!
I AM WORTHY! and so are you!
yesturday morning i walked into my prayer counsellors office... (you may gasp at the notion that one like me would ever dream of going to prayer counselling, not that "one like me" is even meant to sound like i am near better than anyone else, i am not, which is my point)But if you read in my previous posts you will discover that God has done things in my life that no other could possibly do... healing has been my "foundation word" among others as the theme of my past six months... but what i am really trying to get at is that the thought proccess which i was indugling in was nowhere near healthy... and nothing like what God has been trying to whisper in my ear
so what are the whispers that resound after chasing away the lies????
that I AM LOVABLE!
I AM BEAUTIFUL... and I AM A CHILD OF GOD!
this I know with more than anything now... is TRUTH! Praise God!
when lies seem to be the foundation of your thoughts, serious consequences become what you start to live out... which seep into the everyday of life, relationships and all.
i no longer long to "fix" no longer long to "control" no longer feel the threat of unworthyness and unlove... i recongize now that i am truely a fallen human soul, and so is my scooby of a man, But... I am also saved by the grace of God...
i can not... i REFUSE to allow myself to beleive that all my worth depends and is laid within the boundries of my previous "happily ever after" mentality, which is of itself a falseness, an obvious lie!
To lay the monster burden of dependance and completeness on the man I love is false as well, that is a shoe that only God can fill...
I am WORTHY enough and worth enough to change myself, for myself but most importantly for God and in the basis of God changing me for him... not solely for another human, even if that human is the one which happens to be the love of my life...

PRAISE GOD! another wall has fallen, may it never be built again.

Be Blessed! :)