as i sit here...
there are so many things going through my head.. about life, love, relationships, people. i guess i dont understand sometimes why emotional pain can come so easy and yet be so complicated to understand, or express. there is so much flooding my mind in regards to one of the most important relationships in my life... so many questions unanswered, so many misunderstandings and things i dont believe i will ever understand about him... there is pain, sorrow, deep burdens that seem to never lift themselves off of me. im not entirely sure what im getting at.. or if what i say here has any reason to be said, i dont know what will result from a nights conversation, or if the "dream" of happily ever after will ever really be "happily", i wish that it can and in a lot of ways i believe and trust in the promise that it may and it could. but who would have ever thought that love could be this painful and this complicated?? i thought that you love, and then thats it... life makes sence, yet when in fact it seems that you love and life gets more complicated, the mirrior is infront of you and you dont wish to take a look at yourself... isnt that apart of it all? taking a look at yourself? loving another with the expectation and assumption of personal change? i believe so... in lots of ways i want to change to benefit another, in regards to less emotional trama, less selfishness, less anger, less "blowing up" and less want for myself... isnt that what love and marriage are all about? giving to another your complete self... desiring to better yourself for the sake of the other? i dont know anymore, things seem so complicated when it seems like they could be so simple... love is so hard when it should be so easy... i dont expect answers tonight... i dont really expect anything but a hug and a few tears... i guess i mostly expect another painful episode and another cuddle session with my Columbia girls, nothing has changed so far, so why could i expect a change now? yet the Godly voice still resounds in my ear "stay... I promise..." so that i will do... i still love, i still love very much, i just wish it could be easier.

ps. my eye... sooo much better! Praise God! Because i wouldnt of been able to handle an infection with school going full swing