so im sitting here, watching tv, relaxing and enjoying a very nice glass of rosea wine, which is my favorite... with a little licorice treat. im celebrating the fact that tonight, at 9pm i left the store IGA in my uniform, finishing my last ever shift. and it was definitely bittersweet. i got a boquet of flowers and a card which was super sweet of the girls to put together... and amanda helped me take down the ad, as we talked in the aisles before she left. i got lots of hugs today! which i LOVE and yesterday i almost cried when i said goodbye to whitney and angela.

when i thought of leaving IGA, i only thought about leaving the job. then yesterday happened and i realised, im not just leaving a job... im leaving friendships. its necessary for me to leave. and i know from lots of prayer, that taking these next 9 weeks off before full time school hits, is neccessary too! and vitally important for my health. so...... im taking it in strides, and today, as i stood here infront of my husband, i took a deep breath in and said "im back!"

lately, ive felt like my life has been consumed by only work and i haven't had time to do the things that ive needed to do to foster my abilities, and my gifts. i haven't been to church in over a year in a half!!! can you believe it?? and when what brought you idenity, you're no longer involved in.... when your a christian and your maker gives you your life, and you stop talking to Him.... everything in yourself and life comes crashing down, and you feel so very confused, and so very much NOT like yourself. that is what happened to me. i realised that i allowed myself to be trapped in this very very dark, angry, frustrating place. and finally... ive allowed myself to walk out of that prision and kneel at the cross. im going to Fraserview tomorrow with my family and Cam. To not only see my grandparents but to be joyful in hearing the word. I am extactic to finally get involved again in church.

what else am i extatic about!? the conversation that Cam and I just had recently... about our future, about having children and after im done at CBC, when i will go for a masters degree. its something that Im going to have to decide, and with some counsel from professors who have gone through the same decisions, some long and hard prayer, and a lot more long talks with Cam and probably even my mother, to decide on the fate of my career... a decision will be made. but right now, Im seriously torn. what do i do once CBC is done?! kids!? YES! please! and Cam and I have decided too that once we start we won't finish until we're done for good! so what does that mean exactly!? have one, then wait a year, have another, wait a year, have another wait a year and maybe have a fourth! It will be HARD for a while and I might actually go crazy! heehee, but we're going to have me stay at home full time and be there for our children and live off one income. My plan is... if one is in diapers, then might as well have two in diapers! if one is up at 2 in the morning screaming, might as well have two up in the morning screaming! heehee.... I know, Im crazy... and I know... "once she has her first she will feel differently" ummmm.... I honestly don't think so! hahahahaha....

but then its.... do I go for a masters degree before children (masters takes two years) and then after graduation, have my first baby.... but then I won't pracitce/counsel for like four/five years! or.... I could wait until my youngest is in grade one, go to school full time while my kids are in school and then graduate and start counseling in my mid thirties. The later plan is probably going to be the one I go for.... I have no idea that at that point if I will even be up for it. hahaha, I think so though, I have such a passion for school and educating myself as well as having a career. Its hard though, the passion I have for having children is just a little bit more prominent than my passion to have a counseling career. its a hard decision to make with what passion to follow right away... but because of my Endo, my ovaries aren't "24" they are "31" as my gyno had said, so if I want kids, the younger I have them... the better!

well... this is long and full of my hopes and dreams I guess!
take care y'all, Im going to finish my wine and dig into my licorice! yuuuuuuumy!
xoxoxox