This day in May

Today is the day, the due date of the pregnancy I lost back in October. The due date of my second pregnancy and as brief as it was it it has made a lasting impact on my heart.

Today I want to celebrate. I want to smile, laugh, be joyful and anticipate the future with my son and my husband. I want to trust and be still in the knowledge that my future is being prepared for me.

As I reflect on the past nine months I realize I've accomplished a lot. I wanted the time that I would have been pregnant to have meant something. I wanted my loss to have rather been my motivation to move forward and not have been my excuse to crumble in a ball paralyzed in life.

If I was pregnant these last nine months I would have never completed my last two practicums. I would have never met the wonderful women I have worked with. I never would have met the children who captured my heart. I would have never had the transformation I've had in my philosophy of early childhood education. It has been such a blessing in my career to have had these experiences. I'm a better teacher because of them.

And It is through my last practicum that we found our new home. If I was pregnant and had not done my practicum we never would have found our new home. The home we've been waiting for, praying for and are beyond excited to move into. A blessing that has everything we've been longing for in a home. Including outside space for my boys.

So although my heart still hurts, especially when seeing the photos of brand new babies on my FB feed. I stop and remember my gratitude for last nine months. I say a prayer and believe that my time will come. Whether it be soon or months away, my opportunity to add another little to our family will come. I'm trusting that the timing will be exactly as it should be. But of course it doesn't fully take away the sting of the loss we experienced.

You my love, my pumpkin, my lost May baby. I will forever love you. I will forever carry you in my heart. I will always wonder who you would have been. I hope on this day you are dancing in the heavens, celebrating what could have been your birthday.

N.