I hate this!

I need to be real right now, I need to express exactly how I feel right at this moment so when I look back and read this I can see how far I've really come.

I HATE THIS! I hate that I have to take drugs to help me make milk. I hate that those drugs that are supposed to help me are making me dizzy & giving me a horrible headache instead. I hate that I soon will smell of maple syrup from a stupid herb I need to also take & drink a tea that tastes like grass clippings. I hate that I have to constantly pump and see just DROPS fall into the bottle each time. I hate that after only a timed ten minutes feed on each boob I have to hand my baby off to someone else or put him down in his cradle instead of watching him fall asleep satisfied. I HATE that I'm not enjoying this like I once was. I HATE that I'm feeling less bonded to Edison because he's not latched as much anymore. I HATE that it's feeling confining, more & more difficult & leaving me feel defeated & feeling like less of a mom. I hate that it hasn't gone like I desperately hoped it would, and I wish that I would have been more educated & informed at the beginning to help me be more successful on my own. I hate that I'm so afraid I'll never be able to make enough milk for Edison. I hate that the hemorrhage and my blood loss is part of what's to blame. I hate that all I want to do is cry over it & eat bowls of chocolate ice cream.

I just want a routine that will work and so I'm hiring a post partum doula who was highly recommended to me for help. She'll be my cheerleader in my home & help further identify the problem & how to set up my routine here at the house to be more successful. I need someone, I don't want to give up on this.

Because in the midst of hating so many aspects of this struggle, I love it too much to quit and I'm SO grateful for the encouragement being sent my way. So thank you to everyone who has shared with me their similar struggles to show me that I'm not the only one who has dealt with this. I very much appreciate hearing the words that I'm not failing, that I'm a good mother for keeping on, that it'll change & get easier. I hope you're right, with all my heart I hope you're right.

N.