Ironically this truly has nothing to do with my stretch marks. They are there, they are dark, they are many, but they make me proud. It's the rest of me that is bothering me, the pudge, the rolls, the double chin. I feel once again like I felt when I had all around swelling in my pregnancy. Fat, bloated, ugly, not a great feeling, not a healthy outlook to have and not the way I want to be while I raise my son.
So how do I change? And I don't just mean my weight and shape. How do I change my outlook on myself? How do I start loving and respecting my body? I'm not too sure where to begin other than to seek help from God to change.
The way I live my life and treat myself I believe, is a direct reflection of what I believe in life and in God. Obviously I don't believe in much beauty. It's as though I'm mad at my body for letting me down. For being too sensitive, for not being like everyone else, for not letting me eat what I want. So I eat it anyways, I rebel against what my body is obviously telling me it needs. I go against how God created me and I hate myself for it because when I look in the mirror my body doesn't hide the truth of my struggle. I need to change something, it's not fair that I abuse myself. I would NEVER abuse Cam or Edison this way so why do it to myself?! Because its too hard? Eating right and moving my body would actually be the easy thing to do. Digging deep into the emotional wounds is the hard part, it's not going to be pretty.
But I'll do it for my son and in doing that I hope to do it for me too. I hope to come to the place of love for myself and for my body.
N.
Picking raspberries wearing Edison today, I love my Ergo baby.
1 comment:
First - raspberry picking has begun at Krause? I missed this memo and must get there asap.
Second - you look fantastic in that picture. You are doing everything right for your body right now - those last 6 pounds are going to come off slowly (10 months to gain, 10 months to lose!) and steadily. You are breastfeeding and babywearing. Those things are key!
Third - Learning to love yourself is a process and it's so hard. I so understand. I encourage you to keep looking at God's Word for that understanding. Also know that your body is going to change A LOT in the next few years. It's going to get smaller, then pregnant, then smaller - your post partum body will change multiple times before you get pregnant again - your boobs will get smaller even while you're breastfeeding. It's just one of those things.
Fourth - Just because "everyone else" CAN eat stuff that you shouldn't, doesn't mean they should either. You might see/feel the damage to your body eating those kinds of things, but the people who are "uneffected" are doing innumerable damages to their insides (me included). You have the liberty of the wakeup call and reminder that it IS damaging so stop!!!! It's like your body is giving you a warning sign!
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