Pregnancy & infant loss awareness day, October 15th

Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.


I've lit my candle and as I stare at it I wonder again and again if that pregnancy test was positive, if my symptoms were real, if it did in fact happen, if I truly lost a pregnancy.

It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions, guilt being one as I contemplate how I could be so sad as mothers carry full term and lose infants. How can my six week pregnancy loss compare to nine months and birth? How dare I cry devastating tears as other moms are thrown through the depths of absolute despair.

I feel like I should be all better by now. "It's not like it was a real baby" but the sadness is real and true and my baby was a baby in my minds eye. My pregnancy was full of joy, hope, plans, happiness, anticipation and a start of something new. But in a second it was taken away, lost, ripped out of my hands and heart.

Having children requires such a leap of faith. It requires so much trust in your body to do it's work to produce perfectly. But humanity isn't perfect. Our bodies can fail us and many times in a day I just wish I had childlike faith so my heart can take a rest from worrying if it's going to break again cause I don't want to know any deeper pain than this.

My prayers go out to all the mommies (& daddies) out there who have loved and lost. May peace find it's way into your heart and healing come upon you.

Thanks again for all the love and support.
N.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today was supposed to be the day we were planning to tell my grandparents, aunts & uncle the news that we were expecting. Edison was supposed to wear his big brother t-shirt and we were going to wait until they noticed what it said. Then we were all going to be happy and hug and talk about the future.

But today will be different.

I am grateful this Thanksgiving. I am so happy with my life and the people within it. I am blessed to have Cam and my son. I am blessed with an incredible family and amazing in-laws. I really am happy.

But I'm still dealing with sadness and feeling the roller coaster of emotion regarding my loss. It's been hard, it's been sad to think who that baby could have grown up to be and missing out on knowing that soul. My eyes randomly fill up with tears as I go on with my life. As I hold my son, and I think about what will be missing at the end of May 2015.

But this Thanksgiving I'm going to choose be thankful and happy. I'm holding onto the truth that life moves on and that everything is going to be okay.
N.

My second pregnancy

This past weekend has been really hard. We tried to keep busy with family outings but I think that just delayed the inevitable. I'm trying to mourn the loss of my pregnancy while experiencing every emotion possible. At the drop of a hat I cry, I bawl, I shake in despair at the thought of who that baby could have been. I long to know.

Was it a boy? A girl? What would we have named it? What would the birth have been like? Would he/she have looked like Edison?

I close my eyes and long for God to give me a vision of my lost baby. Please God, please show me who my beloved child would have been. Please wrap me in comfort and peace, please hold my unborn child in your heavens and whisper in their ear all about me, all about Cam & Edison. Please tell them how much they are loved by us. Please show them how much we care. Please Heavenly Father, please.

Most moments throughout the day I feel like I have forgotten that not long ago I was pregnant. And now I'm not. No big belly, no labour, no kicks, no more cravings, no more heart burn, the bloat has faded, the bleeding is gone, no evidence left of what could have been.

I know we'll start trying again soon and I hope I'll get pregnant quickly once again. But it'll never become the baby I lost. My second pregnancy, my six week old angel.

I'm sorry my beloved, I'm so sorry. I love you.
N.

Today I'm sad.

Today I'm sad, I'm crying, I'm heartbroken. A couple weeks ago Cam and I found out that we were expecting our second child. We were so surprised and so excited all rolled up into one huge emotion. We went out and bought Edison a big brother t-shirt, we announced the pregnancy to our families and I tried to plan my ECE practicums around the May due date. I was feeling nauseous, emotional and stupid. Things were good, our tough year of 2014 was going to end with the anticipation of a new family member in 2015. All was well.

But then yesterday when we went to the doctors office my pregnancy test came back negative. I sat in the doctors room stunned and immediately frightened for what that could mean. Dr. Katie said not to worry and sent me for a blood test.

Later she called to report that I was indeed pregnant but my pregnancy hormone levels were too low. There was a high chance that I'd lose the pregnancy and a small chance that it was just too early to test (I knew this wasn't true). I cried, the kind of crying you do that consumes everything in your body and soul. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I laid in bed last night and started praying, I told my tiny tiny baby that we'd be ok if it needed to go and that we loved him/her.

This morning really early I got really bad cramping and lost the pregnancy. My eyes are puffy from crying and my heart hurts but I'm ok. Everything I know will be okay.

I know that it's incredibly early on in a pregnancy to think that it was a baby. But to me and my family we believe life starts at conception. This baby was growing in my belly for six weeks. We were making plans, I was getting pregnancy symptoms, this baby was wanted, loved, anticipated. So yes, it's a loss of a baby and to us, it's a heartbreaking loss.

I know life will move on and there are lots of questions now as to what we'll do next. But today I just want to be sad, I just want to lay down and cry. I want to let the tears flow and know that it's ok to mourn my loss.

N.