I've lit my candle and as I stare at it I wonder again and again if that pregnancy test was positive, if my symptoms were real, if it did in fact happen, if I truly lost a pregnancy.
It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions, guilt being one as I contemplate how I could be so sad as mothers carry full term and lose infants. How can my six week pregnancy loss compare to nine months and birth? How dare I cry devastating tears as other moms are thrown through the depths of absolute despair.
I feel like I should be all better by now. "It's not like it was a real baby" but the sadness is real and true and my baby was a baby in my minds eye. My pregnancy was full of joy, hope, plans, happiness, anticipation and a start of something new. But in a second it was taken away, lost, ripped out of my hands and heart.
Having children requires such a leap of faith. It requires so much trust in your body to do it's work to produce perfectly. But humanity isn't perfect. Our bodies can fail us and many times in a day I just wish I had childlike faith so my heart can take a rest from worrying if it's going to break again cause I don't want to know any deeper pain than this.
My prayers go out to all the mommies (& daddies) out there who have loved and lost. May peace find it's way into your heart and healing come upon you.
Thanks again for all the love and support.
N.
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