Today I'm sad.

Today I'm sad, I'm crying, I'm heartbroken. A couple weeks ago Cam and I found out that we were expecting our second child. We were so surprised and so excited all rolled up into one huge emotion. We went out and bought Edison a big brother t-shirt, we announced the pregnancy to our families and I tried to plan my ECE practicums around the May due date. I was feeling nauseous, emotional and stupid. Things were good, our tough year of 2014 was going to end with the anticipation of a new family member in 2015. All was well.

But then yesterday when we went to the doctors office my pregnancy test came back negative. I sat in the doctors room stunned and immediately frightened for what that could mean. Dr. Katie said not to worry and sent me for a blood test.

Later she called to report that I was indeed pregnant but my pregnancy hormone levels were too low. There was a high chance that I'd lose the pregnancy and a small chance that it was just too early to test (I knew this wasn't true). I cried, the kind of crying you do that consumes everything in your body and soul. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I laid in bed last night and started praying, I told my tiny tiny baby that we'd be ok if it needed to go and that we loved him/her.

This morning really early I got really bad cramping and lost the pregnancy. My eyes are puffy from crying and my heart hurts but I'm ok. Everything I know will be okay.

I know that it's incredibly early on in a pregnancy to think that it was a baby. But to me and my family we believe life starts at conception. This baby was growing in my belly for six weeks. We were making plans, I was getting pregnancy symptoms, this baby was wanted, loved, anticipated. So yes, it's a loss of a baby and to us, it's a heartbreaking loss.

I know life will move on and there are lots of questions now as to what we'll do next. But today I just want to be sad, I just want to lay down and cry. I want to let the tears flow and know that it's ok to mourn my loss.

N.