Ive been thinking... more realizing the words that were said yesturday, as I was listening to one of the many sermons I have on my computer from Turning Point community church in Marysville, WA.
Pastor David was talking about pretenses, about the masks that we put on ourselves to shield others of ourselves. He was talking about how we think that if someone was to see us for the person we truly are, the person we hide, then no one will love us. He was declaring that to be a lie straight from the pits of hell.
In the moment of hearing that, I realized the effect that lie has had on my life and the way I am viewing even myself.

I guess Ive come to realize that Ive been fighting the lie that no body loves me, that nobody would want to see or get to know the person I truly am. That I have to put up this perfect act to be the person I expect myself to be. This is horrible! and I think its damaging my realtionship with myself and others.... okay I KNOW that its damaging my realtionship with myself and others. Especially someone really important to me.
I need to get past the pain Ive felt in the past, I need to get past my already expectation and assumption of being regected and left. I need to declare to myself that I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be cared for and that there really isnt anything wrong with who I am.... I will never reach perfection... I guess I just need to be reminded every once in a while

I know I need to really give this idea up to the heavens...

excuse me now as I think, pray, and maybe sleep a bit...

so I went in for an interview today at Jacob connections clothing store... and I got it! :) It was great, diane the manager was so outgoing and super sweet and nice. She seems like shes going to be a great co-worker and leader. My going back to school is fine as well...and I got the time off for hawaii! yippeee!! sooooo excited. I already start this friday! and I get 50% off all my clothes there, so updating my wardrobe is going to take less and be lots more fun! I make less then I did before, but Im not so worried about that, I'll build it up, and just wait on promotions (hopefully) and raises. I mean I believe with all my heart that this job is exactly what God has in store, its completely his will, especially considering I prayed that the first call I got after handing out 8 resumes, would be the job Im meant to have PRAISE GOD. He ultimately knows exactly what I need.

so last night I was thinking.... after Cam went home. I prayed, and was just sitting with God.... and the phrase
"God will not do by miracle what I am to do by obedience"
popped into my mind, and I sat and thought on that a bit. Its sooo true... no matter what. I am not supposed to expect God to automatically bring to me what I need to do in obedience for him. I need to pick up my bible, I need to pray, I need to spend time in the presence of God.. I need to do these things. Without them growth will never happen and falling, stumbling will be inevitable. No wonder I had been the way I had for sooo long.

so I cleaned my room yesturday... more out of the random want to live orderly instead of a pigish style. and now I sit here in what I have designated my "prayer chair" I have placed 17 books that I want to read next to my chair and although that sorta overwhelms me... I am excited to start reading, exploring, and learning through these amazing books and with the Holy Spirits guidence. I have once again come to claim to hate the tv, although i will most likly watch some of it... I am just eager to get into the books Ive always wanted to read and grow spiritually!

PRAISE GOD for the nice huge kick in the butt! :)

Yesturday I felt so convicted of the way Ive been spending my money. Its not that Im a horrible excessive spender... I mean thank goodness I do not yet have a credit card thats taking me hostage. But I have recently been convicted of my horrible spending habiats that just need to stop. Actually its good that Ive realized this now, considering I have about $35 to my name. And owe my mother close to $100. Yikies! Thats no place I want to be.

No matter how much I do not want to be in that place... I am. And Ive put myself here. Its okay though, Im making it work. And like I keep saying Gods really been amazing about teaching me and slowly persuading me to change my ways. Im excited to change my ways... to be transformed into the woman God has in store for me to be. Slowly and steadly becoming more Christ like, slowly and steadly changing my life... its definatly an exciting first step. Its even scary, considering I am turning 21 in July. My whole life is working towards me becoming an adult, a working, loving, living adult. I dont know about anyone else but this terrifies me! Thank goodness, God is slowly breaking the idea to my head and heart of what this is going to take, and I am steadly becoming very excited to reach the next point of my life.

But anyways... back to my conviction.

So my church is going through a stewardship campain. yippee! (can you hear the enthusiasm?) Honestly I am terribly excited for what they are chosing to do with the money they are going to earn. However, I had not been as supportive as I should have and God really broke me hard because of that... I had been so against giving money to the church, I had played victim in declaring that I felt used and the church was only in want of my money and not me.
And all those things were hurting me... desperatly hurting my financial situation.
God asks for every part of me. All who I am he asks for.... this includes my money. What right to I have to take what Ive declared as Christ's and spend it foolishly? Firstly, the most important investment that I make is my tithe to the church, my tithe to Christ. And in doing this faithfully I will be blessed, I will never have to worry in where the next pay cheque is coming from because God will provide, when I faithfully give to him what is his.... that which I have in the bank account, it may look very small to others, it looks small to me, yet it is everything I own. It is huge to Christ because it is his.... every penny is his. Therefore if the church asks for it... I give it. Of course I have to be wise I will not be a foolish person that will never save, I will finally, be a grown 21 year old woman and with my next pay check give to God what is Gods, and place the rest to build up for when He asks for me to spend it.
No longer will I be foolish with eating out (I cant really anyways cause of my eating restrictions). No longer will I buy clothes unless necessary... Give to God what is Gods... bank the rest awaiting when God asks me to use it, not just for school. But to generously give to others!

Praise God for this revelation.

While I watch this really intense war movie on tv, I just sit back and wonder how it really must have been to be there. To watch so many people die for such a cause that seems so unreal to me... such hate. Why do people hate so much?

There is a verse in 1 John chapter 4 somewhere which says "perfect love drives out all fear." I have taken this verse as almost a means to live by these past couple of months... the realization that love, Gods love is truly all I need in life. I have felt as though God is saying to me at times that the spiritual disciples, although amazing practices that place you in the presence of God are not all God is seeking for. God wants ME! All of me, not just the works that I am doing to get to him.... he wants my true heart, my true self, and yet Ive almost been afraid to show him. I guess I am worried that if he sees the "true me" he'll decide that to love me would be too hard. But that is nonsence. God loves me no matter what... he created every inmost part of me and although he sees both the good and bad, his love for me never fades. It never gets to be any less. What an incredible reality.
So the perfect love of Christ, drives out all the fear I have within my life. That when I allow Gods love, Gods perfect love to flow through every part of me and be the true means of my living, then the fear I have of life, of myself, of rejection and love will fade... it will fade right away. For there is nothing to be afraid of, when God loves and takes care of you he does just that. And he will, he does... no matter what. He will and he does no matter what you've done, no matter who you are.... I mean... the bible tells us so! so Praise God!

the title of my blog seems so interesting to me... "simply driven by Christ" .... I wish that the word "simple" was actually close to reality, yet there never seems to be anything simple with being driven by Jesus Christ. Now I am even struggling with the question, Am I even being driven by Christ at all never mind the simple part?

Its not that Im questioning whether or not God loves me... I have a huge big book that declares he does. And when I pray I can be comforted in knowing that he is truly there. Its not that there is his audible voice declaring "Nicole I am here I love you" its more a feeling that I can not describe, yet a feeling I know very very well. For its been comforting me ever since I can remember, ever since God became the true reality of my life.

Someone recently told me that all she wants to do is serve God, is obey God. I caught myself wondering what that means in my own life. I caught myself asking "Am I doing that?" And then with a true answer spoke out "no, I am not" A terrible flow of emotion followed and now the overwhelming sence of failure has overcome me. I guess I feel as though God is not in need of me... why would he be? What could I do anyways for his kingdom? Yet I hear every part of me, every part of who I am declare within me with such a strong knowledge that those words are not true. Those lies pierce me, yet I know that they have no truth to my life. So how can I get rid of them? How can I get back to the life I know to be truly fulfilling and completely mine... centered around Jesus Christ.
The true love of my life.

I am NOT the true love of my life.

wow... what a reality.... what a conviction, what I deep need to realise.

surrender.... its almost the only word that comes to mind... so please excuse me now, as I learn once again to surrender my all, my life... to Jesus Christ.