Ive been thinking... more realizing the words that were said yesturday, as I was listening to one of the many sermons I have on my computer from Turning Point community church in Marysville, WA.
Pastor David was talking about pretenses, about the masks that we put on ourselves to shield others of ourselves. He was talking about how we think that if someone was to see us for the person we truly are, the person we hide, then no one will love us. He was declaring that to be a lie straight from the pits of hell.
In the moment of hearing that, I realized the effect that lie has had on my life and the way I am viewing even myself.

I guess Ive come to realize that Ive been fighting the lie that no body loves me, that nobody would want to see or get to know the person I truly am. That I have to put up this perfect act to be the person I expect myself to be. This is horrible! and I think its damaging my realtionship with myself and others.... okay I KNOW that its damaging my realtionship with myself and others. Especially someone really important to me.
I need to get past the pain Ive felt in the past, I need to get past my already expectation and assumption of being regected and left. I need to declare to myself that I deserve to be loved, I deserve to be cared for and that there really isnt anything wrong with who I am.... I will never reach perfection... I guess I just need to be reminded every once in a while

I know I need to really give this idea up to the heavens...

excuse me now as I think, pray, and maybe sleep a bit...