"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:5-7

ive been doing a lot of thinking lately. a lot of contemplating how i feel and what i want to do with all of this. for some reason i keep trying to stay away from talking to God. maybe i feel that the pain im experiencing will only grow if i come to be "emotional" before God. ive had people tell me that satan is using this to keep me distracted from God, i have people tell me that God doesn't want me to be sick and i need to focus in on that fact and stop being where i am. yet the truth is that today and yesterday ive had such horrible pain that its not easy to forget that this is whats going on in my life. and when i do come to God about it i wish to scream on the top of my lungs that "this is not what i want for myself, this is not the future, or the life that ive asked for. and for goodness sake make this all go away already".

i feel like im becoming over dramatic, like a broken record that keeps spinning, and i realise that there are tonz of other people that are worse off then me. i praise God for what i have and the blessings given to me.

i am starting to realise that my worries aren't going to change the diagnosis when it becomes concrete and the only thing i can do is fall at the feet of my Lord and pray for healing, courage, strength and comfort. this is one long journey i never asked for, this is one diagnosis i am piss afraid to receive, this means not knowing what the future brings, not knowing how intense it all is, not knowing whats going on inside of me... but its something that can be used to bring me closer to God, to glorify God, to bring me to lean on Him more. and that can't be anything but good.

hahaha... im too emotional, and i over analyize everything, i worry far beyond what anyone should and i take life very personally. maybe a lot of learning and growing can come from all of this, which always takes a little bit of pain first.

Blessings.