Yesterday was a BAD day, I was so very weepy, sad and some what depressed. Edison has been crying since Saturday morning and it's felt very overwhelming. He's not colic, my boy is just going through a growth transition (thank goodness for the wonder weeks app) and he's having a hard time with it. But through this whole exhausting stage I'm learning something new about myself.
I need to decide what kind of mother I'm going to be. This past while I've felt like my motherly instincts, my ability to just "know" what to do has been clouded by so many other things. All the sudden, instead of listening to my son and taking my cues from him, I've concentrated on what everyone else and society thinks is best. I've sought only to understand the logistics of things and was obsessing about the thought of a schedule. I wasn't searching for what Edison was trying to say. No wonder we've both been miserable.
These days I've kept hearing that him sleeping on me is bad, his suckling on me is a habit I have to break him from. He has green poop so my milk supply could be high, but then it could be low. I should pump but when and how much? for how long? The list goes on and I feel stressed, overwhelmed, inadequate, and desperately afraid that we won't have that attachment relationship I've been longing for. All the sudden it feels like I'm doing it all wrong. All the sudden I'm questioning if Edison loves me.
Until last night when I realized that the only person I'm listening to from now on is my son and my own instincts. He knows what he needs and if I just shut out every other expectation of how I should mother and ONLY concentrate on what HE needs then our relationship will grow stronger. This is about Edison and I and I'm not going to cloud over that anymore. I'm not going to be overly worried or scared that I'm doing it wrong, because I'm not! Whatever we do will be right for us.
And if he needs to suckle, then he gets to. If he needs to be held then I'll hold him. These are decisions that I get to make with him. I'm throwing everything else out that makes me feel like this is some sort of process or achievement that I'm failing at. This is my relationship with my son and I want to be the mother that listens and makes choices WITH my son.
Being the mommy is still something I need to get used to. It's a role I'm still figuring out. But it's mine to explore, my relationship with Edison is mine to develop and I get to care for him and make choices and decisions that I believe is correct for our individual situation. That's intimidating but good, I need to believe in myself and build up my mommy confidence and trust my mommy instincts and Edison's ability to communicate with me.
So yes, I'm allowing him to fall asleep on me while nursing. He won't do it forever and one day things will change. But for today, for right now I'm his mom and I say it's okay because his little brain is changing and he needs it. And that's ok with me!
I'm doing a good job, I'm a good mom, Edison does love me. Now where's that chocolate bar and my hug? This mommy is crying again :)
N.
1 comment:
Since I just accepted that its wwaaayyyy easier, quicker and nicer to just nurse my baby to sleep, there has been so much less anxiety for me. I use th time to do stuff like this on my iPad while he's nursing.
God invented nursing to comfort babies. Since we have the luxury of staying home with our babies, then why not nurse whenever baby wants, even... Especially!!! For comfort? You're the only one who can do it for him.
I'll tell you a secret, sometimes when other people are holding my kid and he cries, they give him to me nd he stops crying. They say, "he just wants his mommy." And sometimes, the implication is that its a bad thing. Well, I LOVE that. I'm secretly pleased that he wants mommy and that just being with me will soothe him. It will happen for you too. When they're younger like yours, it's a bit harder to realize sometimes, but it will happen. And it's the best :)
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