Lets just be clear though that I am incredibly proud of myself regardless of how things happened. But I do however hope that if I have the opportunity to labor again then I'll actually get to accomplish the 100% natural birth I intended to have. It was true in my case that I needed to keep an open mind. It's hard when you truly have no clue what to expect in labor and birth. If you have a strong expectation of what you want to experience then you may walk away with some serious emotional pain. I can understand now how easily it could be to fall into a depression over the birth that was rather than the birth that was wanted.
In my experience, Edison's birth was a lot more medical than I had hoped for. I wasn't expecting to have to go on Oxytocin, I read everything about the stuff and knew it wasn't what I wanted. I tried EVERYTHING I could to prevent it. I even told the doc to give me time to think about it before I consented. But alas the benefits at the time outweighed the cons and like I expected one intervention lead to another and there I was getting an epidural. I knew the oxytocin meant stronger contractions, I knew my labor was going to still be a lot longer (10 more hours exactly), I knew I wouldn't have the strength to get through transition and push after hours on the bed with no tub time. I knew I was loosing my focus after 18 hours of solid, drug free, breathing through the most painful cramping hell I've ever experienced. So! I made the decision I didn't want to make and I allowed that decision to be okay. I allowed oxytocin and an epidural to be apart of my birth experience and I'm still glad that I did.
However, if I sit here and think long and hard about it, if I read birth stories of triumph through the natural birth experience, if I come across testimonies exclaiming how amazing the natural birthing emotional high really is then I might break down and cry. That was my intention, that was my prayer, that was my dream birth and it didn't happen for me. I've finally come to the point where I'm mourning that fact. I really didn't think I would have to because I really did enjoy my labor. Yet, just because I enjoyed it and have come to accept it doesn't mean I can't be a little disappointed with it too.
And when it comes to the next one, I'm not scared to have to make those decisions again if I have to. I'm excited to do it again, even if the result is exactly the same. I want to do it again BUT I'll be making decisions to hopefully change the experience far before it happens, far before pregnancy and far before I even conceive. If I can change my lifestyle now and be healthier now then maybe next time I won't have all those complications and natural birth could be in my reach. I want that experience so badly, I really do. I never realized now much until just recently. And I'm sure my doulas could help me get as close as possible to reaching that goal when the time comes.
So if the question is asked again, do I regret the decisions I made in labor? My answer would still be "no... but" I regret the lifestyle decisions I made before pregnancy that influenced my labor. If those decisions were the ones that were different and I had no diabetes, no swelling, no high blood pressure, less complications, then maybe it would have ended the way I intended it to. Who knows? I can't dwell on the what ifs.
I'm always going to remember my labor with Edison as one of the most incredible moments of my life. There may have been medical interventions but I'm still a rock star. My body is still remarkable and beautiful, and that doesn't change!
N.
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