It's a boy!!

Back in December I remember writing a post I titled "What if..." and in it I expressed my thoughts and fears regarding Bubbas gender. At that time I was back and forth in my thinking that I was absolutely going to have a boy and for some reason that thought made me terrified that I'd never experience having a girl.

It's amazing what you think about throughout pregnancy and how your hormones can truly affect your emotions. Even now four weeks after delivering Edison I still have some very strong hormonal moments. Some of which I'd rather not share (pretty stupid what can make me cry these days) but others have everything to do with how much I love my son.

That being said, I'm not sad that my pregnancy resulted in a boy. I'm not grieving the fact that I have yet to realize if my life will produce a daughter. I'm actually over the moon happy and grateful for Edison and excited for the relationship I get to build with him. Some days it freaks me out that he'll get older and might not want me to be apart of his life. He may get married to a woman that prefers her family over ours. He may move far away for a job and never call me (oh the things I think about). Just recently I talked to my mom about some of these fears (she's an expert since she has two sons), and I realized that as long as I love Edison, respect Edison, allow Edison to be who he is and encourage him to make decisions for himself and then support those decisions. Then I have nothing to worry about because our relationship then will be built on a solid foundation.

I'll have to let go, even now I realize he belongs to God, he's a gift. He's not mine to control, not mine to hold onto forever, not mine to manipulate to do what I wish. He will become his own individual with wants, needs, ambitions, desires and it's my job to love, to let go, to respect, to support, to teach (gently), to be whatever he needs. And if I do those things, if I get it right, then there should be no fear for our future relationship. And no fear for any other future relationship with any other child I bear regardless of their gender.

Am I still afraid of never having a girl? Not today. But if you ask me again when I'm in the midst of my final pregnancy and it's my third boy, my answer may change slightly. My prayer now may be for me to have a daughter one day, but if I'm blessed with only sons then I am still blessed. To have two or three or four Edison's in my life would still be my greatest accomplishment and my greatest joy!

When Cam told me in the delivery room that "it's a boy!" I remember crying and saying "I just knew it". And I remember falling so deeply in love with him that all those moments of anxiety regarding his gender were lost and forgotten.

My son is exactly who I was supposed to birth and to me he's perfect!
N.