Finding my mommy confidence

So in all honesty, I've been down in the mommy dumps lately. I've been trying to be the mommy I thought I needed to be. I've been sticking fiercely to and believing strongly in a way of parenting that I thought made me the best mommy possible. It never occurred to me that this way might not work completely. It never occurred to me that I might have to adapt.

Until now...

I'm currently holding onto the truth that I love my son with all my heart and strength and THAT is what makes me a good mommy. I need to be who I am, whole and strong and myself. Because if I'm not me, if I'm a mess of a blubbering version of myself then that's not helping my son. So... time to put down my mommy guilt. It's time I search deep inside to the place where I can look Edison in the eye and say, "you're loved, you're safe, you're okay and mommy is here for you... always."

I want this post to be positive because I'm so sick and tired of being negative and saying over and over the "woe is me, parenting is hard" crap. Yes! It's hard! But I'm finding my way, I'm standing strong, I'm seeing better times on the horizon and I'm realizing that if something I thought should be working isn't. Well, change it in love and own the reality that what works for us is what works! It may not be for everyone else but it's good for me.

I'm feeling confident finally in this exact moment and I wanted to bottle it up as a reminder to my future self.

It's time to really listen to my mommy heart and throw everything else to the curb. To pray prayers of "God make me the best mommy possible for my baby" and listen to His answers. I love my boy and that's what's the most important thing in the world. If I'm loosing that to the way things are going then I have to change things. And change things I will.
N.


Isn't he just the cutest?! I just love kissing those cheeks.

The crying, OH the crying!

Before I had Edison I would read books and articles on many different things and what I kept coming back to was attachment style parenting. I kept identifying with all the things it talked about and was captivated with how simple it seemed. I never once thought that my beautiful baby would be labelled as difficult, clingy, a "mommas boy" or hard to handle. I never once imagined that he'd be a challenge to babysit or unpredictable to take out.

And yet here we are. My son, with the "difficult" temperament. Others believing they know what's best for him. "If only you would......" Yah. Ok. Thanks. Go right ahead, and he's back in my arms moments later because they failed to calm my "difficult" son and well he's a "mommy's boy" anyways.

I'm not meaning to make a harsh statement to anyone who has said these things around Edison and I (frankly I've said these things). I'm just simply stating that yes, my son cries, A LOT. And yes, I'm finally (after almost six months) perfectly ok with it. As Cameron said the other night, Edison is "special" and frankly so am I.

So this is what I'm currently practicing, the "cry it out with mommy" method. Because I came to realize that my sensitive son who I thought I was protecting by not allowing him to cry, is a baby and cries. I was SO scared to let him cry more than a few minutes at a time. I believed I was damaging his trust in me and his emotional development. I was reading article after article about how letting babies cry it out harms them. And then I read an article that I believe was the turning point and set me free. This article right here!
I finally understood for myself that Edison is expressing himself by crying and by trying to save him from crying I was also saving him from his emotional need to express his needs, frustrations, etc. So now I'm much more willing to allow him to cry it out in my arms. If he's changed, fed, has had gripe water or Tylenol to help his gas and teething I hold him close, glide on our chair and hum to him as he cries. It's become another time where I thank God that Edison is mine and I get to practice my calm mothering touch for future years when tantrums and outbursts over the same emotions will look much different.

My Edison is so sweet and so precious. The days of when he cries with few breaks are tiring and emotional (like today). I see that something needs to change in the way I put him to sleep (with my boobs) in order to prevent some of these really bad outbursts. Not sure what the next step is but rest assured there will tears and screams involved. I know I'll be there to help him through the process and I'm grateful I have my husband and mom to help me. I just need to quit eating my emotions away and face the reality of how these days affect me too.

Hearing my baby cry is always going to break my heart a little.
I guess that's just part of being a mommy.
N.

We changed things up!... Finally!

I can't even believe that I've waited this long but it became clearly obvious to me last week that Edison was desperately needing a change. I thought I was doing my boy good by "going with the flow" and "observing his needs." And I'm sure at the beginning that was what he needed, but clearly my boy has been calling out for structure and I wasn't getting the memo.

The beginning of this "leap" of development that washed over my boy last week was brutal. All the sudden he stopped sleeping three or sometimes four hour chunks and instead went back to his one to two hour sleeps. When I read the information on the wonder weeks app about this phase it clearly stated that parents are usually exhausted by the end of it. Well, no shit if all I'm getting is a few hours of sleep at night! Couple that up with Edi being in our room right next to our bed and my husband moving around like a freight train in his sleep and you've got one hell of a horrible combination.

My baby was miserable and went back to crying all day long everyday. I was a zombie and ended up breaking down in tears myself one evening after Cam came home (lucky guy). I decided that night that something HAD to change but my mommy guilt sirens were screaming at me. So I messaged my good friend and she basically told me in the most loving way possible that I'm the one that needs to make the decisions for my son and I need to own those decisions with confidence. It doesn't matter what someone else thinks.

So... I changed it up! All at once, no turning back! And yesterday was AMAZING! My baby boy slept four incredible naps (still in my arms but we're working on that next) and I put him in his crib for night last night and I owned that decision.

I of course went in when he cried for his night feeds because my belief in the cry it out method still applies. BUT I slept SO MUCH BETTER! Even though Edison still only did his two hour sleeps all night, I feel much more rested today, much more relaxed knowing we finally know what's coming in the day and night. My boy is safe in his crib, he's warm and happy and our room is so close that I still feel like he's right there next to me.

I don't regret the way I've been mothering him so far. I don't regret the five months he was sleeping in our room or our occasional nights bed sharing. I'm almost sad to know those days are gone because it means he's growing up. But that's just it, he's growing up and his needs are changing and I'd be a bad mother to not change things when he needs them changed. I never wanted to be one of those moms who does everything for their kids and labels them incapable of doing things they obviously are ready to try. This was one of those moments for me. I knew I needed to let go of my anxieties and worries and allow my son the ability to try a routine and try his crib for night. I'm so very glad I did.

So now I'll just try and stay home for a little while to get our routine fine tuned. I'm excited for what Edison will show me next and eager for this leap to end so I can hopefully get some sleep again.
N.

Happy Thanksgiving!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

This year I'm thankful for so much, my husband, my son, the ability for me to stay home with my son, my husbands job, my extended family, my parents, my grandparents & in law family, my friends, my best friends, the country I live in and all the little things in my life that make it as perfect as it is!

I love my life! I am excited for each day, for my future. I'm eager to soak in every single moment with all it's challenges and all of the love. Because in my life there's a lot of love!

So be blessed this Thanksgiving weekend!
From my family to yours,
N.

Everything's going to be alright

I absolutely and completely love my son. There are days when I stare at him while he nurses and tears swell up in my eyes because I'm so head over heels in love with him. He's everything I've ever wanted, a child to call my own. And lately he's taken to non stop crying and screaming. All. Day. Long.

Lord give me strength to parent my baby boy through the moments when tears swell up in my own eyes cause I can't take the screaming anymore.

I want to put him in his crib and walk away and yet I'm not sure that's the answer. Don't worry, I'm nowhere near the point of injuring him. Quite frankly I can't walk away from him and his crying because to me that's injuring him in the most emotional way possible. He's going through something. The world is suddenly really big again and he can't cope and so he cries and cries and cries and I cry along with him. If God was going to test my patience and teach me something about myself, life and love, he's definitely done that in giving me my son.


So in my moment of weakness and lack of sleep I asked for advice on Facebook yesterday on moving Edison to his crib for naps. My friend messaged me and reminded me that I had blogged prior about being okay with Edison's sleep routine and that I didn't have to change anything if I didn't want to. So I pulled myself together and once again realized things are still perfect the way they are. My son needs comfort and finds that comfort at my breast. No soother, bottle, thumb or other comfort toy can give him what he's found when he's latched to me. So... I have to decide to either strip him of my breast to get my body back more often or keep going as it is.

This will not last forever and the bond we are developing is one that will last our entire lives. My son is sensitive like me, needy like I was and even though my body feels exhausted from the lack of sleep and the crying, I'm still going to choose to be there for him, always.

So if I've been canceling plans with you, I'm sorry. If I've been meaning to get back to you and haven't, I'm sorry. Or if I'm simply not all there when you do get a piece of me, I'm sorry. Because right now I belong to Edison first and I'm thinking that's the way it should continue to be.

It won't last forever, it's just a season and we've already begun slowly introducing his bed for nap times. Like when he finally accepted his car seat and sleeping in it on his own time. He will accept and sleep in his bed for naps in his own time too. Just lots of patience and love.

For out of true dependence will come true independence (a quote I frequently come back to).
N.

the pumpkin patch & me

On Saturday we took Edison to the pumpkin patch and it was so much fun! We didn't stay long and we didn't bother to go anywhere fancy, we just went to a local place and took lots of photos. We picked three really big pumpkins and two little ones and came right home. We even got our pumpkin spiced lattes, it was an experience and tradition we hope to keep up every year.


But then that night I looked at the photos and reality hit me. I've gained a lot of weight. A lot more than I ever truly realized and my heart broke into a million pieces. I had promised myself that I wouldn't gain weight once I got married, I promised myself that I wouldn't let food addiction consume me, I promised myself that I would find a way to love and respect my body. I failed. At least that's how it feels.

On Sunday morning I approached Cam and we had a really great talk. I realized that he does still love me for who I am no matter the size I am but the truth of the matter is that there's a lingering fear in us both of my health deteriorating if I don't change. Especially if I don't change before my next pregnancy.

I've fought weight problems most of my life. I've been skinny and not so skinny, I've been healthy and I've been sick. I've had food sensitivities, gestational diabetes, IBS and more. I'm addicted to carbs and sugar. If I don't change my body there's no doubt in my mind that I'll end up a celiac, diabetic with heart disease and fibromyalgia and be dead by the age of 75 like my grandmother.

So...

I'm sticking to my gluten free diet and I'm taking charge with my fitness pal app (add me, coliestehr). I'm hoping to hire my friend to whip my butt on a weekly schedule and start interval bike sessions again on my stationary bike. I'm going to stay accountable to myself and post updates here too. I'm thinking weight loss progress pictures, weigh ins and a weekly update (maybe not a pic every week tho). I know accountability and community support can help anyone be successful, so why not me?

Regardless of what I choose to do I need to do something. I need to loose weight before I get pregnant again and I definitely want to be pregnant this time next year so I'm aiming for a loss of forty pounds by my 29th birthday on July 5th, 2014. That's an average of five pounds a month to loose and I think a very reasonable goal.

So wish me luck! And check back and send me tips, recipes and share your "get healthy" experiences with me.

I know I can do this and I know that some of this weight came on for a reason (pregnancy) but I'm also aware that it very much needs to go. It's not a "I need to look great in a bikini" kind of weight loss, it's more a "I don't want to be sick anymore or be at risk to be sicker later in life" kind of weight loss.

I know I can succeed :)
N.

What I've learnt so far as a mommy...

What I've learnt so far as a mommy, in no particular order.

• babies when naked after a huge poop explosion while being transferred to the tub will inevitably pee on you. Make sure you transfer naked baby in a towel.

• babies like my son who have reflux will spit up, always. Never go without a cloth, never burp without a cloth, never pick up baby without a cloth. ALWAYS have a cloth on you, always.

• everyone is obsessed with whether or not a baby sleeps through the night. "Oh yes! Of course, these big baggy eyes and my massive cup of coffee are my normal everyday wear." In all reality there are very few babies who actually do sleep a full nights sleep and those mommies definitely don't look as "fabulous" as my sleep deprived self (love you Alissa T.).

• breastfeeding is hard and painful. I never expected that, I thought it was as simple as baby meets boob and eats. Apparently I was delusional. However, it's totally worth staying positive and persevering through. The experience is amazing and I'd fight again to keep it going. I'll probably be breastfeeding Edison into his toddler years which is something I never thought I'd be open to.

• labour hurts, a lot! Moms everywhere weren't lying or joking around. It's intense and sometimes kind of scary but totally "doable" and has the ability to make you feel like your superwoman.

• stretch marks are a sign of love, as if to say "welcome to the mommy club, you're fabulous, you did it!" I'm actually proud of mine and never expected to feel that way.

• babies cry, a lot. Babies cluster feed, a lot. Babies want you, a lot. My life is completely different than it was before I had Edison. I remember moms telling me before I had him that everything would change and they were right. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I fully expected to love my baby but I can easily become overwhelmed with emotion for him. I cry frequently and thank God daily for my baby boy. When you have a baby be prepared for your heart strings to be tugged hard.

• every mom and every baby are different and respond to each other differently. Every mother and child relationship is different which is why I've come to rely on my mommy instincts a lot. I realize there's always going to be someone with an opinion on how to raise my son but I'm his mommy so I know what's best for him. Me, nobody else.

• cloth diapers are fun, cheap and cute and I love using them until laundry day when they stink and I have to remember the rinse cycle.

• sometimes my baby cries so much that I want to scream and cry and eat a lot of ice cream. So I've learned that it's completely acceptable to ask for help and that taking a shower is a great way to feel human again.

• I'm a mommy when it's dark and light out. Therefore, if Edi needs me at night while I'm sleeping then that's ok. I'll always wake up for him.

Ok, that's it for now. Maybe I'll post more later when I think of them.
N.