this book by Geneen Roth has been inspirational to me... it has been apparent to me that I obviously have an eating disorder. It is not anorexia or bulemia, instead it is the obessive need to drown myself in overeating and starving and depriving myself, hating myself, loathing the person that I am and trying so desperately to fix it, to "fix" me.

I saw this books author on tv and it became very clear to me that I NEEDED with such a desperate plea to read that book... I remember being in the state of mind that said "you have to read that book Nicole, you must read it! freedom from all this shit may actually come from the psychology in that book" and well, it did in certain terms.

I read it with the knowledge that this woman is not a christian, she does not talk about Jesus or calvary, she does not speak about how Christ is the savior of the world and that through treating ourselves like temples we live out Gods plan. No, I am sorry this book is something different, what may be defined as "new age" if people may place it there... it is helpful... and I ABSOLUTELY recommend it to every woman. Not everyone may get the experience that I have gotten from it, but I believe that every woman who has learned to believe she is "fat, unworthy, left behind, unwanted" and has convinced themselves that they "aren't lovable" those women NEED to find themselves again... they do, absolutely deserve to love themselves, all of themselves, even the jiggly parts of themselves :)

Since reading most of this book (I have a few chapters left) I am glad to be in a place of examining how I react to food, to my own emotions, to my choices... I am listening to my body and understanding a heck of a lot about past experiences that got me here. To the place of loathing everything about myself. FINALLY I love my body, I think I am sexy and desirable and I can FINALLY see what my husband sees in me when I am naked. I have been in shitty past relationships... but the beauty of this book has helped me to realise that nothing defines me but me.. and the choices I make and how I want to be, and I loooove that. And the icecream that I used to drown my sorrows in, the cookies and anything else that I could get my hands is not needed anymore. I am finally whole and lovable and worthy and sexy and I see that in myself and I am starting to listen to my body and what it needs and wants... ironically what it wants isn't icecream all along, instead it's nourishment and love and movement.

Praise God! :)

hello hello! so things around here have finally calmed down, so much so that I don't know what to do with myself most days. I am only working two days a week so far... which is kind of nerve racking since my pay cheque is supposed to be helping pay for my schooling, but Im making a lot more than I would if I was to go and apply at Starbucks or a bank. So... I guess we will just have to wait and see how it goes, its apparently the start of the maintenance season, so there will be work... eventually!

The surprise party that us Kroeker kids threw was a HUGE success! it was so fabulous, I am so happy and proud of my husband and brothers and I. We had twenty people all together including ourselves and our parents. All of their close friends, and all from their several walks of life (old neighbourhood, bible study, dads brother & fiance and friends from waaaaay back) it was so much fun to surprise them like that, they literally had noooo idea! So we were all thrilled with how everything turned out. THANK YOU HERB & LYNN AND ROD & KAREN for taking my parents out so that we could surprise them! that means a lot to us :)
so I finally decided (with the help of cameron of course) that I will finish my BA in December of 2011, instead of April 2011. This is so that I can just enjoy my life... enjoy my school, and with only seven credit hours left to do in September 2011-December 2011 it really won't affect much of my life (the schooling) so that I can still work and Cam and I can still move on with plans that we have for us. As well, this means that we won't be putting so much of our finances into school and can now have more freedom to save up for a home, among other things. I feel very peaceful about this decision and am actually really excited for the internship opportunities I have. My sexual ethics class... although painful to be in (the class is difficult emotionally) really sparked my interest in women being abused, either sexually or emotionally and my wanting to work with them. I still want to talk to the teacher of the class and ask her some questions and maybe for some guidence on what I could do for an internship and where I could go, what compainies I could work for... etc... but even though I keep getting really scared to be a counselor and I keep trying different routes to be something else, I ALWAYS comes back to the same thing... counseling as the way for me to go. Im not as scared anymore... Im just more excited to finish my BA, although the thought of walking across that stage in a blue gown makes me think that the moment that moment is over I will be a grown up! hahaha, its silly cause I am a grown up and I will be 26 when I graduate, but still... once that part of my life is over, then the next thing is kids and a house!! and a masters degree which leads to a career, and to me... thats part of the definition of grown up!

blessings!
N stehr.

so... I was in bed the other day watching Joyce Meyers (she is FABULOUS!) and guess what happened?! A HUUUUUGE spider came crawling towards me on my blanket!!!! it was soooooo gross, I freaked and smacked it with my journal (that I was taking notes with) which then fell onto the ground, where I grabbed my fat psych text and placed it ontop of it so it wouldn't get away. I then came out to the kitchen and text messaged Cam... but then a monster fly flew into my face! I wanted to cry... and what did Cam do? Texted me back laughing.

I need to get out and work full time... even the crazy huge/giant bugs in my house say so!

Good News! Got work for tomorrow AND Friday, and then hopefully start full time in May! yippeeeee....

ps. we booked our flights for Winnipeg with a seat sale (score!) its actually the best seat sale Ive seen in a looong time so Im thrilled... we're leaving here August 7th at 11am so we'll land there at 7:44pm (stuck in Edmonton for four hours, maybe we'll hit the mall... heehee)

these past two weekends have been CRAZY! ... my little brother Brandon (not really little, he is now 6 feet 5) came home from Germany, where he was for the past eight months! Its crazy to think that he was gone and now he is back. weeeeird. Anyways... he came home on Jasons (my other little brother who isn't so little) 23rd birthday, so we did a dinner for Jason on the 9th, then a big breakfast on the 10th and then DQ that night as well for Brandons home celebration!!!! Then the 11th we went out with Jared and Katherine, it was good times had by all! That was just THAT weekend.... THEN this weekend, on the 16th we went to the Newsboys concert, it was FABULOUS! our seats were killer, they were perfect! Michael Tait is the lead singer and I kid you not that he was literally singing on stage three feet infront of me, and I was in the 22nd row on the floor. They had a catwalk and they played a bunch of songs at the end of the catwalk! soooooo cool! Not going to lie, I wanted to reach out and touch him... but I was too chicken (I totally could have touched him too!). That was Jasons birthday gift from all us kids, we then went to Mr. Mikes for dinner afterwards (at like 9:30pm) but that place is AMAZING for burgers... like seriously AMAZING!!! Cam is calling it our new favorite place (our previous fave was White Spot) so I think Mr. Mikes will be on the menu very soon once again! Then on the 17th it was my very amazing, handsome husbands 29th birthday! I can't believe that my hubby is 29!!!!!!! I remember throwing him a 25th b-day pizza party back in our CBC days and now I AM going to be 25 THIS july! eeeeekkk.... time flies by sooooo fast!!!!!! But that day, although it was our friends grad, from the festivities on the night prior, we decided to let Cam have a lazy morning, he opened his gift from me, a gift card to Home Depot so he can buy gardening tools (im clueless with that stuff) and a four pack of Guiness beer! mmmm....... then we went to Subway for his birday lunch and then Home Depot so that he could grab what he wanted (I kinda chuckled at the fact that he chose Martha Stewart gardening tools) and then it was to the mall where we caught up with my brothers, hung out and then to the PUB!!!! for the hockey game where the Canucks LOST :'( . Then on the 18th (yesterday) it was dinner for Cams birthday at my parents house where he chose meatloaf of all things... with hedgehog flavored cake! yuuuummy and wine! :)

So there you have it... my goodness this month has been FULL of fun... now its time to relax. I started landscaping on the 16th and truly LOVED it. It is nothing like IGA, I am outside, I have no customers to deal with, and its the same shift every single day with weekends off! but I am maitenance and that hasn't started up full swing yet.. so Im just waiting until I can pick up more hours which should be sometime in May! yippeee. for the blessing of work.

Hubby is home :)
N Stehr

my mother always told me that once I put my mind to something, I accomplish it. So, graduating from CBC is no exception! I technically have three semesters worth of classes left to do, once I get my grades back for the three classes I just finished (well technically I still have one final in adult psych to finish, due Friday, and THEN I will be offically done these classes).

So there were two options:
1. take three semesters to finish school and graduate December 2011
OR
2. work like crazy and do distance education and finish for April 2011

I took #2 as the game plan!

SO... the game plan is this: I am currently enrolled in Sexual Ethics class from April 26th to April 30th, this is a one credit modular class that goes from 1-4pm for just those five days. I will have a major paper due for it in May, but all the classes are done in that five day time span.

THEN...
I start distance education from a University in Alberta, Athabasca. I am already registered and accepted into their Cognitve Psychology class starting May 1st. I will also register and start their Social Psychology class starting June 1st. I have six months from the start date to complete these courses.... so Im not worried, but the goal is to work hard this summer and complete them before I go to Harrison Hot Springs in September.

THEN...
I have a 14 credit semester in September, followed by another 14 credit semester in January, while doing distance education through Athabasca again for the English Literature that I need to make sure is complete by August 2011...

THEN...
I will have to do my bible/theology level 3/4 class as either another distance education through Briercrest that summer OR as a two week modular through CBC at the end of April along with my internship (to be done by the end of August) to recieve my Bachelor of Arts degree. BUT I will get to walk across the stage and all that April 2011!!!!!!!

Sound complicated and hard??? ummm.... YEP! hahahaha.... but Im determined to get it done and to be successful and graduate with friends in April 2011. That way I can work throughout the summer and fall and figure out from there where and when and if I want to continue into a Masters Degree...
My most recent thought process is slowly doing distance education through Athabasca for a Masters in Counseling Psychology, I can just take my time, work, have babies! and all that jazz while still working towards my future career.

I had an awesome half hour talk with my pscyh prof about all my options and my fears (he is currently working on his Ph.d in psych)... he said that its interesting how fearful and worried I am about counseling when I am not even trained yet to do it... he is right! and well, Im starting to tell myself and realise that honestly, I can do anything!!! and be anything, and be good at it!!! I just need to work hard for it.

take care! need to run out and grab groceries for the hubby....
N Stehr.

WAHHOOOOO!!!!!!.... remember that adult psych research paper that I was stressing out about? My very first psych research paper that I needed to write?! Well, I got my grade back!

I GOT 96%!!!!!!!!

Im beyond excited, this brings my grade up to a 89% which is an A :)

Thanks for all the support and helpful advice that friends and family have sent my way!

N Stehr.

hello hello! things have been great these days... last night Cam and I attended the awards ceremony at Columbia Bible College. I was awarded the John Schmidt Bursary which made me almost burst into tears (actually I did when I found out that was the one I got!) it has a special place in my heart because a couple years ago John and Erna Schmidt were my counselors. I had spent at last a year and a half talking to John about everything under the sun, he was an incredibly gifted man. God used in him incredible ways to touch my life and the lives of others all over campus. So when Cam called me months before our wedding that John had passed away, it was incredibly difficult, I couldn't even attend his funeral because I had a shift at IGA I couldn't get rid of. But I am grateful, so very grateful for his life, his influence, and now this award. It was an honor... and very fitting, I think.

I have been thinking a lot lately, (this is what I do!) and have come to the conclusion that I really just need to focus on God and not on the other things that have been flooding my mind. Cam told me the other day that Im so much like my dad because I am always paranoid... this is true! heehee... but I have been taught a lot these days. God has really influenced me in personal ways. Like the call and revelation to truly take care of myself, so... this is what I am doing. FINALLY! and Im glad to do it. Ive also decided to take a break from school after CBC is done. I have more to finish than I had thought previously, so Im looking into distance ed so that I can finish a lot more quickly. I hope to get a job in a library when Im out (fingers crossed, apparently its next to impossible to get in if you don't have a resource to get you in, but Im confident that if Im meant to get in there, God will find a way) or in a bank. This way I can gain enough hours to go on maternity leave for the first time... SO... hopefully Cam and I will be starting our family soon after CBC is done :D which is all I want at this point in time.

I hope to then consider a masters degree either with distance ed, or if I can find an appropriate course here at a university that accepts CBC graduation credits. I still have no clue what to do, but right now... after intense and serious prayer, counseling is not my absolute direction. I am going to continue to consider it, among other things. Keeping my heart, and mind open for the correct direction God wants me to go. But I believe that just cause I want to start my family sooner than later, does not mean that I won't be successful in my educational goals and career goals, whatever they end up being. Things may change though... I guess it all depends where Cam and I are after CBC is done. Im just starting to realise that the money I could make with a career after a masters degree is not as important to me as having a family, and living my life with my husband. So, whether or not we buy a home next year or the year after, or whether or not we can't make it to Cancun before our first child comes, it doesn't matter at all! Because God will take care of us, we will have each other and that's really all I want anyways! :)

so **cheers** to Godly revelations.
N Stehr.

so this whole "what do I wanna be when I grow up thing" is KILLING me... not literally might I add, just metaphorically. I am going to finish my BA from CBC, thats a no brainer. Plus I got a bursary for $1000 from the CBC scholarship committee! YIPPPEEEE! But the question is.... what do I do afterwards?! Like seriously!!

These are what I view as my options:

* have a baby!
* take a little break & try to find a good job for awhile
* apply and finish a two year masters degree at Trinity (if accepted) in Counseling Psychology
* apply and finish a two year masters degree at UBC (if accepted) in Library Sciences
* apply and move to Ontario to finish a one year masters degree (if accepted) in Library Sciences
* throw my options in the air and get God to decide for me

hahahaha... its not just me either, Cam is struggling with what he wants to do as well. So please pray for us, that God leads us in the correct direction and that His will is done in regards to our career choices and that we aren't just deciding our future based on yearly income, or the fact that we never want to move anywhere. That instead, we base our future and schooling on where God wants us to end up.

This is sooo damn hard to figure out!

N&C Stehr.

So this is just a taste of our Ontario trip! I hope that you enjoy the pics, we had such a great time and are sad that it ended so soon. Trips like this one always seem to end so soon, especially when you're having such a great time with family you never get to see. Bonding with Addison and holding/cuddling Timothy was the highlight of my time there. Although Niagara Falls was such a great experience as well. Cam and I are happy to be home safe and sound with the sunny weather (there was some serious snow in Ontario) as well as in our nice and super comfy bed! No other bed compares to ours!!!! but anyways! I am super psyched to say that I will for sure be working landscaping with Cam this summer. I get to have my weekends off garanteed (not something Ive had the privledge of these past two summers) and I will get to work outside in the dirt and get some color! In August however, I will be putting out resumes for work I can do alongside school once that comes along in September. This year is turning out to be great! :) Blessings!

well... we made it safe and sound to Ontario, already went to see the Niagara falls last Saturday, wow time flies! It was gorgeous! I will post pics once I am on my own computer at home, but the ice and snow all around the falls made it the most beautiful site to see. And the tourist shops around the falls were fun as well, we ventured into the Hershey chocolate store, the fudge shop and the coke store. It was incredible to know that just a few feet away on the other side of the falls was New York! I saw New York! only I was the only one with my passport so we didn't walk across the bridge to visit the USA side. That made me really sad, so instead of stating that I had been in New York I can only say that I had seen New York. But I have a plan, that next time we come here to Ontario for a visit we will make it two weeks so we can spend one week here with the family and then the other week we will rent a car and drive the eight hours to New York City!!!!! I'm psyched to plan that trip, won't happen for a few years though.

Timmy is the most adorable little baby boy. I keep telling him that he is my favorite nephew, because he is the only one I have, so far! He seriously makes me want to have a house full of boys someday, even though Cam still wants a baby girl to throw into the mix for fun. He is so much fun to cuddle and carry around, since babysitting him a few times already this week I feel much more confident in my abilities. Should be fun when that time of life starts.

Ive started researching for my paper already today, and Lindsay you sure are right about the amount of information there is out there. I have narrowed my topic down to anxiety sensitivity in development. I am very curious once I start diving into the journal articles, what I will find and how I will narrow down the subject even further. If I receive a good grade, then I will post the paper for you all to read if you're interested. I'm always protective of my work, kind of nervous about how others will respond to it. I need to get over that if I'm to move on in school.

Jen, my sister in law has got me thinking about being a librarian. Although the psychology counselling degree at Trinity still has my attention. I was looking into it further the other day and for some reason it doesn't feel as intimidating as it did a few months ago. But who knows what direction I will end up going, if any at all. It's just so overwhelming to me. I want a career, that's for sure. But decisions like this are always so difficult to make.

Time for some grub! I hear Jen juggling pots and pans downstairs. My diet has been tossed out the window this past month... I am very disappointed in myself, and still feel very sick on a daily basis. I don't know what to do to kick myself into gear, but I hope that I can keep fighting hard to be healthy, especially since my IBS symptoms are returning with vengeance.

Blessings from Ontario! :)

The homework is getting done so that the trip to Ontario can be filled with lots and lots of family boding time! :) But the reality of my adult psychology research paper being due eight days after we get home from the trip is going to be hard for me to swallow while Im there. SO... Im going to have to start researching online at their place to ease my panic and get a good start on my thesis. Im planning to do the topic of either mood disorders with a concentration on anxiety or premenopause and how the symptoms can affect everyday life. Anyone have any other ideas? Or good research sites and resources?

Other than school being fabulous, things around here are great. Cam is working on a regular basis which is such a praise item for us. However, the hours he works each day are not full time so that is still a need for prayer. I do have an important prayer item that involves my sister in law Jen, her husband Dan and their new son Timothy who we are visiting in Ontario next week.

Timothy may have cystic fibrosis, the doctors tried a sweat test on him and the results came back inconclusive so now we have to wait until Tim is two months old for his next test. There is no family history of cystic fibrosis on either side of the families so we are in high hopes that the test comes back negative and that little Timmy is okay. Please pray that he is completely healthy and that when Tim is tested in March again, that the results are good. Thank you, we all appreciate it.

until next time... blessings!

Im reading by far one of the BEST books that Ive read in a looong time. Its called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Goldhor Lerner. She is a psychotherapist and is brilliant! And after Im done with this book (which Im reading for conflict management class) Im going to go searching to buy it and others by her. I believe that every single married woman needs to read this book! Im serious... it is profound the revelations that have come from reading it. I have two chapters left to read and I just picked it up on thursday morning. When Im done, I need to write a book report on it and Im actually really excited to do it. One of the most profound things Ive learned about myself, which may be obvious to others but was apparently oblivious to me, is that I am responsible for myself, for my own desires, my own behaviors, my own wants and needs. And only I can see them come to pass. Cam is not responsible for me... I am responsible for me! And anger usually results from not taking responsibility for ones self but placing that responsibility on another and blaming the other. So yes... only I am responsible for my health and happiness! Who knew?!

First off, just because I changed the blog name DOES NOT mean Im pregnant! Im not! at least as far as I know Im not! so no jumping to conclusions here!... please. No baby Stehr, at least its not in the plans anytime soon. Cam and I both kinda just came up with a new name, I didn't really like the other name, and Im not convinced that this is a good one either. It'll do for now though.

So whats been up lately!? School is going really good. I am actually learning a whole lot in my conflict management class. It is such an eye opener to some of the conflict I have experienced over this past year (and more). The serious, heart breaking type of conflict. This is information that every single person should learn and practice. It is amazing how most of it just makes sense, well... until you are living in the conflict and resort back to your habiats. But still... common goals or different goals and percieved interferences are the source to every conflict! yep... its true! If you want to read my text book after Im done with the class, then I will for sure lend it to you. Or call me up for a coffee if you wanna talk about it. However, that text book cost me over a hundred dollars, so I'll want it back! :P

I saw Gay Lynn Voth on Monday! she is one of my former teachers, and one of the best! My first semester of CBC, Cam and I took her theology class and it was AWESOME! I must say that my mind does not think too well when it comes to post-modern stuff and theology. But her ethnics class was incredible and I got a super good grade on that big paper. It was just awesome! Apparently way back I wrote a bit about her on this blog, and well, she found it! heeheehee... so she just was saying how kind it was for me to mention her on my blog and that I said some really nice things. Awwww!!! Gay Lynn I sure hope you come back to campus more often! (if you ever find this blog again!) Her husband is having his last chemo treatment, I don't know what cancer he is suffering from. Please pray for him and his recovery.

I know I must say it a lot, but Im truly MOST happy when Im in the classroom. When Im being educated. I have no idea where that came from, but it is absolutely one of my most favorite things. Even studying for my adult psych tests are so much fun! (minus the tension headaches). You know when you think you've found what you're called to do? Or where you just know you're called to be? I got that when Im in the classroom learning psych and working towards the goal. I dunno... it just consumes me. Kinda strange, yet, kinda completely overwhelming, exciting and terrifying all at the same time. Im actually doing really well in psych too... Im getting high A's on my assignments so far! Im just so excited, its hard to explain.

Well... I caved, again! blah! I had some Red Robins tonight and pizza last night. gross Im feeling really ill, I really can't digest high fat food very well. I sure hope that I can get my act together and seriously commit to this thing. I really want to. The thought of me wearing a size eight dress to some of the weddings this summer just makes me smile so big! O, you know, and the health part about it is good too! heehee.

blessings all!

O... and please keep Timmy, my new nephew in your prayers. It's important. Thanks.

PRAISE GOD!!!! our car is now running... Cam and his dad fixed it for under $15! wahooooo... it is totally worth it to have a hubby who loves to tinker with the car. Did NOT know that about him until after we were married. Now, the pile of homework awaits me... a 5 page reflection paper for conflict management (awesome class!), along with studying for the first test in that class as well, a test tomorrow in adult psychology along with reading chapter three and a journal article and answering questions for the following week, as well as a book report and oral presentation for effective teaching along with the required weekly reading, then I need to pick out a journal article myself for adult pscyh and present it to the class. AHHHH!!!! thats lots... and I need to get started on some things due in February so Im ok to go to Ontario. I guess its lots of coffee and staying in the house for this week!

My diet is getting really difficult right now, Its like Im fighting with myself to stay on track... its always hard I think when you try and change. No matter where the change takes place in a persons life... its very easy to resist. But I like what my mom talked to me about... she said that no matter how many times I fall down, its making the decision to stand back up and get back on the right path that matters, that the decisions I make, and the committments I make mean more than the feelings and emotions I experience. I thought that was great advice, no matter what circumstance in life.

so... heres to getting out the yogurt and getting back on track! :)
blessings!

On friday it was my mothers 50th birthday!!! and it was soooo much fun to make her dinner, and even her cake! we had indian food, she wanted something that she never makes, and she never makes indian food! It actually turned out real well... I was very impressed with how everything tasted. And Im glad that she liked it a lot... consdering it was very spicy. I also went to the dollar store to buy a bunch of 50 decorations! so my place was very "festive" for the occasion. Now the decorations are down and waiting for dads 50th in February!


mommy enjoying her time waiting for the rice to cook on the stove! apparently white and brown rice have very different cooking times! hahhahah..... I thought it would just take a few mintues more, turns out that few minutes was a bit bigger! haahahah.... know now for next time.


Here I am trying to make sure the butter chicken is all cooked up and delicious! I always love to throw in some cashews and ripe tomatoes to keep it fresh. Not as good as White Spots, but it was goooooood!


Things otherwise are great! Other than our stupid car not starting, cam and his dad are trying to make it work now. All I wanna do is eat the cake in my fridge and cry cause if we can't get that car started, we're in a real pickle since I need to get to school in Abbostford and we can't afford to fix it at a professional mechanics. Please please PLEASE pray for us! we desperately NEED cam to get back to work soon, and there just isn't some right now.... we have faith, but its definitely being tested. Thanks guys! you're the best!

Being at school right now is like a dream come true! I can't believe how natural it feels for me to sit in the classroom and learn. If you would have told me in highschool that seven years from now I would be in college and about to complete a degree in psychology... I'd probably laugh! Well, and maybe cry a bit. When I was in highschool, I wasn't big on the school thing, I thought I was too stupid and didn't think that science was my "thing". Now, being 24, and being serious about my education and seeing where it could potentially take me, I am completely motivated and have a completely different mindset. I think that in highschool, sometimes we are too immature to understand how valuable education can be. Or, we just don't believe it's our "thing".

Yesterday, while doing my effective teaching homework, I was reading an article on teaching. It was such an inspirational article. Not because I want to teach (I actually don't believe I will, ever!) but because what the author spoke of about his journey through his education helped me to understand mine. When I first got to CBC I thought that my focus was going to be school work and only school work. There are SO many distractions when you live on campus, work a little part-time, visit your family on some weekends and have roomates who become your best of friends. School and the plans you had set out kind of get set on the back burner. Don't get me wrong they are still evident, but none-the-less... are pushed aside when a snow ball fight is happening outside and you have a chapter of psychology to finish reading.

This year is already different, I am taking classes slow with only starting out with the three. I believe that if I acted like this in highschool I would have been a lot more successful, but probably would have also been "the geek". Trying to comfort Cindy at the lunch table on Wednesday about our adult psychology class in proclaiming that "I already read the first two chapters and they are great!". Didn't help out any! Neither for me, or Cindy!

I guess, I feel like when I am in the classroom, when I have the most interesting subjects to read and study... I feel most happy, and most like myself. I feel like I have finally captured apart of me that I never knew existed, and I am thrilled about it. Am I scared about what potential career is out there? Heck yes! but I am confident now in my abilities and I am growing through the process of being educated, and I think thats an incredibly amazing thing. I think I will always strive to learn, and to take classes, no matter what the subject is.

So... here goes nothing! I will give it my all, and I will believe in myself while I finish. I can't wait to wear the blue robe and get that BA! :)

So here is the start of 2010! The first 4 days have been alright, the Christmas decorations have come down, and we have ventured out of the house a few times to use some gift cards and go grocery shopping (the first time in about a month). Like my pal Kortney, I find it kinda corny that when the new year rolls around a bunch of people make resolutions! I will admit though, that I make them too! I actually appreciate making goals, even if they end up forgotten. I find it important in my own life. If I make goals then I feel like there is some sort of direction. If there is direction then I feel like I am making progress in my life.

So... as corny as it is, here are my and our 2010 goals

Nicoles 2010 personal goals:

* finish and succeed in my Sureslim program. This means reaching my goal weight by my birthday, July 5th. And then learning to maintain this weight with a practical strategy I can continue for the rest of my life. This is also to help me get past my emotional eating troubles

* do my best in school and succeed in my classes and assignments. My husband today said that I will do fine and that I always work at each assignment with my full heart and attention. In this goal I will also need to learn to balance my anxiety and not let it get the best of me, especially with the new professor I will have in Adult Psychology. My hope is to graduate CBC with an A average, but we'll have to wait and see if that happens. I won't kill myself over a grade... but I'd like to have options when I graduate.

* be the best wife I can be. This goal is very special to me, its not that I feel like Im a bad wife its just that I know that I can always be better. Specifically to pray for Cameron and support him in all decisions and ventures. As well, to be submissive to him and give up my overwhelming need to control all situations. To give him the space to thrive as the leader of our home and our family, and to hope and pray that he succeeds in living the role that God has laid out for him.

* to be a better friend. This past year I have felt that my life has gotten in the way of my social life. I know that sounds retarded, and yes, I did see majority of my friends regularly. But I feel as though I have not participated as much as I should have in some of my most cherished friendships. I feel as though I have let the stresses of life, circumstances, and distance come between me and opportunities for me to develop even deeper relationships with some of my most beloved friends. I hope this year will bring freedom and a drive for me to invest more of my time and myself into the people I love.

* to find, attend and be apart of a home church and to grow deeper in my relationship and understanding of God.

Stehr family 2010 goals:

* save earnestly for a down payment on a house. We aren't planning to buy in 2010, but we are planning to look, save and research our options in 2010.

* find, attend, and be apart of a home church.

* save earnestly again for a vacation away to a hot destination! This would be intended as a "second honeymoon" for before I get pregnant.

* As Cam stated at our anniversary dinner: "to NOT get pregnant" (the getting pregnant will probably be a goal for 2011/2012)

* maybe we can get a new couch! hahahaha... an ikea couch! Pretty much making our house pretty and getting some pictures on the walls. O, and buy a futon, we really want a futon for our "study"/storage/laundry room.

* to unplug our cable and learn to do other things that don't involve watching tv or being on the computer. Hopefully this will develop opportunities in our marriage and help us thrive in our hobbies that we normally ignore. This however will not effect our Big Bang Theory/House dinner date with Jason and Dave.

so there you have it! our goals for 2010. Im really excited for what this new year is going to bring and what adventures Cam and I are both going to face, together and separate. Landscaping is going to be interesting... and a huge need in prayer that this landscaping year is going to be successful so that our income is successful!

Winnipeg is going to be SO exciting! That trip is going to be so much fun! I am thrilled to have Jessica be apart of our family! She is going to be the next Mrs. Stehr, so I won't be alone! hahahaha.... the trip itself is going to be such a blast and since Cam and I are apart of the wedding party we get to be front row and centre to all the fun!!!!

Actually there are five weddings happening this summer, all people that were at our wedding and all friends that are significant. I have no clue if we're invited to all the weddings, but I know for sure that we're going to two. The friends and the dates? Tanya & Cameron on May 8th, Katherine & Jared on July 17th, Leigh-Ann & Ryan on July 31st, Jessica & Colin on August 14th, and Traci & Dayne on August 21st. Yep, thats a lot!

So this new year, is going to be full of change but hopefully its going to be the kind of year we get to remember on December 31st as one full of fun, love, opportunities and growth.

Bring it on 2010!!!!

so i just finished watching Julie and Julia which i felt was just fantastic! I loooove cooking shows and i loooove chick flicks, so this movie is perfect for me. so, because of this grand movie i decided i should at least blog tonight, although im not nearly as good as julie in the movie and there isn't much i made today to eat, other than pasta bake and garlic bread! mmm....

but then again this is why im blogging too.... tonight. im eager to start another new time in life, where i finally take charge of my eating habiats and get real with my body and my relationship with it. tomorrow marks day one of many... but at the very least it may be one that i hope will lead to full out change. im starting sureslim again, what i thought i wouldn't want to share on here, but after a lot of thought decided that if i at least make it clear on here my intentions then at least i'll HAVE to own up to my words. and well.... prove that i can do it. and prove that im serious about living. which i am.
i went on this plan when my gynecologist right before my surgery told me that i MUST loose weight for my laproscopy (i always spell that wrong, im sure of it) also... i seriously did NOT want to be a fat bride. so, in six weeks and twenty pounds less... my incredible wedding dress fit like a glove (it was ordered too small!) and my gynecologist was pleased and the surgery went very well. but now over a year later ive gained back my weight which I lost for my surgery and more. EWWWW! is right. thank goodness my amazing and incredible husband said he loves me no matter what!
its my new found love to cook and my amazing talent to not give a shit (pardon my language) thats put me in the place im afraid to be but darn good ready to leave. my grandmother died at 75 from heart disease which was caused by many years of being obese and diabetic cause she just didn't give a shit (again, pardon my language) im sooo pissed at her cause she could have made a difference in her life if she would have only ate lettuce instead of butter.... and now im doing the same to my body that she had done to hers and i say "HELL NO!" if im going to die at 75 its cause i got hit by a bus, not because i ate myself into disease.

so here goes nothing... bring it on sureslim! and lets get rid of my fat ass so that i can live long enough to piss off my grandchildren and have a sexy body while i do! heehee!

so those of my friends who read this and invite me out for dinner or over for baking, I LOVE you dearly! but im going to say no, cause this new year for me has to be about getting healthy... and stopping the ulcers and gallbladder diseases from starting. i can have decaf coffee though if you're offering!

loves, and healthy eats :)

WOW! I can't believe that the season, that Christmas has already come and gone, and even my first anniversary has come and gone as well. Firstly, Cam and I had such a romantic Keg dinner and was blessed with cards, phone calls and facebook postings, so thank-you to everyone who wished us a happy anniversary! I was very surprised!
Our technically second Christmas, but first here at home was SO wonderful! It was very different from what I remember being the typical "Kroeker Family Christmas" but thats what happens when you move on, get married and aren't a child anymore! hahah... but I sure was over the top spoiled by both sets of parents and family members so THANK YOU TO ALL! I loooove you dearly. I was even very impressed and proud of my wonderful hubby... who bravely walked into my most favorite store (forever yours lingere) and bought me the most gorgeous piece of sexy silky thing... but the story of how he got it was just as fabulous! hahaha...

Now, in about a week and a half I will be back at CBC and in classes, with homework, tests, papers and STRESS! hahhaha.... its going to be wonderful and surreal to be back and Im not prepared at all! But hopefully sometime this week I will be.
Actually, our plan has changed for the New Year. I will be dropping two of my classes and only keeping three. Those classes will be Adult Psychology, Effective Teaching, and Conflict Management. I will also for the moment, be dropping my plan to graduate with a completed diploma in Intercultural Studies. Maybe later on I will change my mind and complete that, but for now... focusing on my BA is the best choice for Cam and I and our future. So then I will be in classes Monday and Wednesday and then working two days in the week, have my weekends off and an odd day for homework, library studying and errands. I think its the best plan possible and helps us out financially... Where will I be working you ask!? well NOT IGA... I will be landscaping! I know! I know... me.... landscaping!??!?!?! But seriously, I believe fully that after some very sore weeks and lots of blood, sweat and tears (literally!) I will find a way to do it. Its the same money I was making at IGA, and I will be working with my hubby! AND Cam looooves the job, so if I love it too... then maybe something can come of that later in life. Who knows!!??!??!?!? Stehr Landscapers sounds kinda catchy right!? You'd hire us... right!? heehee!

I have come to the point that Im alright with the thought of finishing school a little slower than previously planned, even if that means my Masters as well. I believe that things are going to work out for the good and that as long as I don't throw out my dreams and my desire for education then its going to be okay. I don't want Cam and I to risk financial ruin just cause I demand that I need to get things done "NOW!" thats not right. That goes for the baby plans as well as the buying a house plans. I talked to my amazing aunt and uncle who are relators and said that they would LOVE to help us find a house, they have insane connections that could help us out soooo much here in ways other people our age don't have the luxury of. Im thrilled! A house in BC is not out of our reach! It just will take time, money and lots of hard work. But we're up for the challenge.

We hope and wish that you... (whoever reads this, Im sure only a few!) had a fantastic and wonderful Christmas season! and that you have an incredible New Years as well! we're just sticking around home this year for the 31st and hanging out with my brother, Jared, Katherine and some cigars with brandy! mmmmm..... GOD BLESS! :)

Christmas is my most favorite season of the year! I absolutely LOVE every aspect of Christmas, the purpose/reason, the food, the family affairs, dressing up.... buying gifts for loved ones and seeing their expressions, singing carols, drinking hot chocolate or starbucks treats! its all just magical... it reminds me of my childhood, it reminds me every year what life is about and what family is about. This year however, has been very difficult financially, which was completely expected. But expecting and living things are completely different. Ive never been in the position to be completely financially unsure. My parents have always "taken care of me" and now that its between Cam and I, all the sudden I'm petrified for our future. Expecting a certain type of life, and actually seeing the reality of what my life may look like in five years, or where we are going... I have had to re-adjust my expectations. God is seriously working out in my mind what it means to want and to need, what is realistic and over the top and that maybe the brand new home that would be wonderful, may turn out to be a beautifully "lived in project" cause that would be all we can afford.

We just recently came back from Winnipeg to see Cams sister Michele, her husband Scott and their children Jackie (turing 3) and new baby Ashley (3 months). As well, we were there to see Colin (cams brother) and his fiance Jessica. It was a FABULOUS time! However, very VERY cold! The weather network would call for "-26, but will feel like -32" what the heck!?? Why not just say "-32!" The city of Winnipeg has so much character in the types of buildings there are, all nice and brick and lots of murals all over the place. However, the homes that were around where Mikki and Scott live, were not that fabulous on the outside. Because of the harsh winters, the homes look like the weather.... cold and sad. However, even though the outside looks warn and torn, majority of the homes on the inside are cozy and cute! (I looked through lots of realty magazines and tv) The prices of homes there are laughable compared to BC. Its actually made me cry a few times with how less expensive it really is to live in Winnipeg compared to BC. Im really starting to learn and live out the idea of sacrifice. Live here, maybe be able to afford a townhome and be near my family and love the land, weather and community... OR... live in Winnipeg, leave my family, have the perfect home, let our money go a lot further and deal with the harsh winters. Its a hard toss up... does Cam wish to move!?? No way! but the reality of the situation may be that we may be better off there. I have no idea.

Holding Ashley made me seriously want to have children like... now! hahahaah.... she is the most precious and adorable baby girl. but so is Jackie too! to chase her around and give her hugs and try to help her learn about the potty! it was just such a peek into what my future could hold.... and I LOVED it. I had Ashley on my bed almost every morning when Mikki drove Scott to work, it was so special to just have that time holding her and watching her kick, smile and be a happy, adorable baby. I would pick Ashley up more than once and just keep her in my arms for hours, until she needed a feeding. I learned how to keep her quiet while she screamed cause of gas (the football hold and rocking!) and even changed her a few times! I can't wait to visit Jen (cams other pregnant sister) and Dan and their going to be brand new baby boy in Feburary and want babies all over again!

MERRY CHRISTMAS! if I don't post again before then.

O... and Cam and I, thanks to my parents, are going to have the most fabulous anniversary meal and date night tomorrow! I can't believe its been a year already. Man has time passed very very quickly!