Finding my mommy confidence

So in all honesty, I've been down in the mommy dumps lately. I've been trying to be the mommy I thought I needed to be. I've been sticking fiercely to and believing strongly in a way of parenting that I thought made me the best mommy possible. It never occurred to me that this way might not work completely. It never occurred to me that I might have to adapt.

Until now...

I'm currently holding onto the truth that I love my son with all my heart and strength and THAT is what makes me a good mommy. I need to be who I am, whole and strong and myself. Because if I'm not me, if I'm a mess of a blubbering version of myself then that's not helping my son. So... time to put down my mommy guilt. It's time I search deep inside to the place where I can look Edison in the eye and say, "you're loved, you're safe, you're okay and mommy is here for you... always."

I want this post to be positive because I'm so sick and tired of being negative and saying over and over the "woe is me, parenting is hard" crap. Yes! It's hard! But I'm finding my way, I'm standing strong, I'm seeing better times on the horizon and I'm realizing that if something I thought should be working isn't. Well, change it in love and own the reality that what works for us is what works! It may not be for everyone else but it's good for me.

I'm feeling confident finally in this exact moment and I wanted to bottle it up as a reminder to my future self.

It's time to really listen to my mommy heart and throw everything else to the curb. To pray prayers of "God make me the best mommy possible for my baby" and listen to His answers. I love my boy and that's what's the most important thing in the world. If I'm loosing that to the way things are going then I have to change things. And change things I will.
N.


Isn't he just the cutest?! I just love kissing those cheeks.

The crying, OH the crying!

Before I had Edison I would read books and articles on many different things and what I kept coming back to was attachment style parenting. I kept identifying with all the things it talked about and was captivated with how simple it seemed. I never once thought that my beautiful baby would be labelled as difficult, clingy, a "mommas boy" or hard to handle. I never once imagined that he'd be a challenge to babysit or unpredictable to take out.

And yet here we are. My son, with the "difficult" temperament. Others believing they know what's best for him. "If only you would......" Yah. Ok. Thanks. Go right ahead, and he's back in my arms moments later because they failed to calm my "difficult" son and well he's a "mommy's boy" anyways.

I'm not meaning to make a harsh statement to anyone who has said these things around Edison and I (frankly I've said these things). I'm just simply stating that yes, my son cries, A LOT. And yes, I'm finally (after almost six months) perfectly ok with it. As Cameron said the other night, Edison is "special" and frankly so am I.

So this is what I'm currently practicing, the "cry it out with mommy" method. Because I came to realize that my sensitive son who I thought I was protecting by not allowing him to cry, is a baby and cries. I was SO scared to let him cry more than a few minutes at a time. I believed I was damaging his trust in me and his emotional development. I was reading article after article about how letting babies cry it out harms them. And then I read an article that I believe was the turning point and set me free. This article right here!
I finally understood for myself that Edison is expressing himself by crying and by trying to save him from crying I was also saving him from his emotional need to express his needs, frustrations, etc. So now I'm much more willing to allow him to cry it out in my arms. If he's changed, fed, has had gripe water or Tylenol to help his gas and teething I hold him close, glide on our chair and hum to him as he cries. It's become another time where I thank God that Edison is mine and I get to practice my calm mothering touch for future years when tantrums and outbursts over the same emotions will look much different.

My Edison is so sweet and so precious. The days of when he cries with few breaks are tiring and emotional (like today). I see that something needs to change in the way I put him to sleep (with my boobs) in order to prevent some of these really bad outbursts. Not sure what the next step is but rest assured there will tears and screams involved. I know I'll be there to help him through the process and I'm grateful I have my husband and mom to help me. I just need to quit eating my emotions away and face the reality of how these days affect me too.

Hearing my baby cry is always going to break my heart a little.
I guess that's just part of being a mommy.
N.

We changed things up!... Finally!

I can't even believe that I've waited this long but it became clearly obvious to me last week that Edison was desperately needing a change. I thought I was doing my boy good by "going with the flow" and "observing his needs." And I'm sure at the beginning that was what he needed, but clearly my boy has been calling out for structure and I wasn't getting the memo.

The beginning of this "leap" of development that washed over my boy last week was brutal. All the sudden he stopped sleeping three or sometimes four hour chunks and instead went back to his one to two hour sleeps. When I read the information on the wonder weeks app about this phase it clearly stated that parents are usually exhausted by the end of it. Well, no shit if all I'm getting is a few hours of sleep at night! Couple that up with Edi being in our room right next to our bed and my husband moving around like a freight train in his sleep and you've got one hell of a horrible combination.

My baby was miserable and went back to crying all day long everyday. I was a zombie and ended up breaking down in tears myself one evening after Cam came home (lucky guy). I decided that night that something HAD to change but my mommy guilt sirens were screaming at me. So I messaged my good friend and she basically told me in the most loving way possible that I'm the one that needs to make the decisions for my son and I need to own those decisions with confidence. It doesn't matter what someone else thinks.

So... I changed it up! All at once, no turning back! And yesterday was AMAZING! My baby boy slept four incredible naps (still in my arms but we're working on that next) and I put him in his crib for night last night and I owned that decision.

I of course went in when he cried for his night feeds because my belief in the cry it out method still applies. BUT I slept SO MUCH BETTER! Even though Edison still only did his two hour sleeps all night, I feel much more rested today, much more relaxed knowing we finally know what's coming in the day and night. My boy is safe in his crib, he's warm and happy and our room is so close that I still feel like he's right there next to me.

I don't regret the way I've been mothering him so far. I don't regret the five months he was sleeping in our room or our occasional nights bed sharing. I'm almost sad to know those days are gone because it means he's growing up. But that's just it, he's growing up and his needs are changing and I'd be a bad mother to not change things when he needs them changed. I never wanted to be one of those moms who does everything for their kids and labels them incapable of doing things they obviously are ready to try. This was one of those moments for me. I knew I needed to let go of my anxieties and worries and allow my son the ability to try a routine and try his crib for night. I'm so very glad I did.

So now I'll just try and stay home for a little while to get our routine fine tuned. I'm excited for what Edison will show me next and eager for this leap to end so I can hopefully get some sleep again.
N.

Happy Thanksgiving!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

This year I'm thankful for so much, my husband, my son, the ability for me to stay home with my son, my husbands job, my extended family, my parents, my grandparents & in law family, my friends, my best friends, the country I live in and all the little things in my life that make it as perfect as it is!

I love my life! I am excited for each day, for my future. I'm eager to soak in every single moment with all it's challenges and all of the love. Because in my life there's a lot of love!

So be blessed this Thanksgiving weekend!
From my family to yours,
N.

Everything's going to be alright

I absolutely and completely love my son. There are days when I stare at him while he nurses and tears swell up in my eyes because I'm so head over heels in love with him. He's everything I've ever wanted, a child to call my own. And lately he's taken to non stop crying and screaming. All. Day. Long.

Lord give me strength to parent my baby boy through the moments when tears swell up in my own eyes cause I can't take the screaming anymore.

I want to put him in his crib and walk away and yet I'm not sure that's the answer. Don't worry, I'm nowhere near the point of injuring him. Quite frankly I can't walk away from him and his crying because to me that's injuring him in the most emotional way possible. He's going through something. The world is suddenly really big again and he can't cope and so he cries and cries and cries and I cry along with him. If God was going to test my patience and teach me something about myself, life and love, he's definitely done that in giving me my son.


So in my moment of weakness and lack of sleep I asked for advice on Facebook yesterday on moving Edison to his crib for naps. My friend messaged me and reminded me that I had blogged prior about being okay with Edison's sleep routine and that I didn't have to change anything if I didn't want to. So I pulled myself together and once again realized things are still perfect the way they are. My son needs comfort and finds that comfort at my breast. No soother, bottle, thumb or other comfort toy can give him what he's found when he's latched to me. So... I have to decide to either strip him of my breast to get my body back more often or keep going as it is.

This will not last forever and the bond we are developing is one that will last our entire lives. My son is sensitive like me, needy like I was and even though my body feels exhausted from the lack of sleep and the crying, I'm still going to choose to be there for him, always.

So if I've been canceling plans with you, I'm sorry. If I've been meaning to get back to you and haven't, I'm sorry. Or if I'm simply not all there when you do get a piece of me, I'm sorry. Because right now I belong to Edison first and I'm thinking that's the way it should continue to be.

It won't last forever, it's just a season and we've already begun slowly introducing his bed for nap times. Like when he finally accepted his car seat and sleeping in it on his own time. He will accept and sleep in his bed for naps in his own time too. Just lots of patience and love.

For out of true dependence will come true independence (a quote I frequently come back to).
N.

the pumpkin patch & me

On Saturday we took Edison to the pumpkin patch and it was so much fun! We didn't stay long and we didn't bother to go anywhere fancy, we just went to a local place and took lots of photos. We picked three really big pumpkins and two little ones and came right home. We even got our pumpkin spiced lattes, it was an experience and tradition we hope to keep up every year.


But then that night I looked at the photos and reality hit me. I've gained a lot of weight. A lot more than I ever truly realized and my heart broke into a million pieces. I had promised myself that I wouldn't gain weight once I got married, I promised myself that I wouldn't let food addiction consume me, I promised myself that I would find a way to love and respect my body. I failed. At least that's how it feels.

On Sunday morning I approached Cam and we had a really great talk. I realized that he does still love me for who I am no matter the size I am but the truth of the matter is that there's a lingering fear in us both of my health deteriorating if I don't change. Especially if I don't change before my next pregnancy.

I've fought weight problems most of my life. I've been skinny and not so skinny, I've been healthy and I've been sick. I've had food sensitivities, gestational diabetes, IBS and more. I'm addicted to carbs and sugar. If I don't change my body there's no doubt in my mind that I'll end up a celiac, diabetic with heart disease and fibromyalgia and be dead by the age of 75 like my grandmother.

So...

I'm sticking to my gluten free diet and I'm taking charge with my fitness pal app (add me, coliestehr). I'm hoping to hire my friend to whip my butt on a weekly schedule and start interval bike sessions again on my stationary bike. I'm going to stay accountable to myself and post updates here too. I'm thinking weight loss progress pictures, weigh ins and a weekly update (maybe not a pic every week tho). I know accountability and community support can help anyone be successful, so why not me?

Regardless of what I choose to do I need to do something. I need to loose weight before I get pregnant again and I definitely want to be pregnant this time next year so I'm aiming for a loss of forty pounds by my 29th birthday on July 5th, 2014. That's an average of five pounds a month to loose and I think a very reasonable goal.

So wish me luck! And check back and send me tips, recipes and share your "get healthy" experiences with me.

I know I can do this and I know that some of this weight came on for a reason (pregnancy) but I'm also aware that it very much needs to go. It's not a "I need to look great in a bikini" kind of weight loss, it's more a "I don't want to be sick anymore or be at risk to be sicker later in life" kind of weight loss.

I know I can succeed :)
N.

What I've learnt so far as a mommy...

What I've learnt so far as a mommy, in no particular order.

• babies when naked after a huge poop explosion while being transferred to the tub will inevitably pee on you. Make sure you transfer naked baby in a towel.

• babies like my son who have reflux will spit up, always. Never go without a cloth, never burp without a cloth, never pick up baby without a cloth. ALWAYS have a cloth on you, always.

• everyone is obsessed with whether or not a baby sleeps through the night. "Oh yes! Of course, these big baggy eyes and my massive cup of coffee are my normal everyday wear." In all reality there are very few babies who actually do sleep a full nights sleep and those mommies definitely don't look as "fabulous" as my sleep deprived self (love you Alissa T.).

• breastfeeding is hard and painful. I never expected that, I thought it was as simple as baby meets boob and eats. Apparently I was delusional. However, it's totally worth staying positive and persevering through. The experience is amazing and I'd fight again to keep it going. I'll probably be breastfeeding Edison into his toddler years which is something I never thought I'd be open to.

• labour hurts, a lot! Moms everywhere weren't lying or joking around. It's intense and sometimes kind of scary but totally "doable" and has the ability to make you feel like your superwoman.

• stretch marks are a sign of love, as if to say "welcome to the mommy club, you're fabulous, you did it!" I'm actually proud of mine and never expected to feel that way.

• babies cry, a lot. Babies cluster feed, a lot. Babies want you, a lot. My life is completely different than it was before I had Edison. I remember moms telling me before I had him that everything would change and they were right. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I fully expected to love my baby but I can easily become overwhelmed with emotion for him. I cry frequently and thank God daily for my baby boy. When you have a baby be prepared for your heart strings to be tugged hard.

• every mom and every baby are different and respond to each other differently. Every mother and child relationship is different which is why I've come to rely on my mommy instincts a lot. I realize there's always going to be someone with an opinion on how to raise my son but I'm his mommy so I know what's best for him. Me, nobody else.

• cloth diapers are fun, cheap and cute and I love using them until laundry day when they stink and I have to remember the rinse cycle.

• sometimes my baby cries so much that I want to scream and cry and eat a lot of ice cream. So I've learned that it's completely acceptable to ask for help and that taking a shower is a great way to feel human again.

• I'm a mommy when it's dark and light out. Therefore, if Edi needs me at night while I'm sleeping then that's ok. I'll always wake up for him.

Ok, that's it for now. Maybe I'll post more later when I think of them.
N.

Does Edison sleep?!

One of the questions I get asked all the time is "how does Edison sleep" or "how was your night last night?" It's such a hot topic, everyone seems to be interested in knowing if my baby sleeps "through the night". So I've decided to answer that question here for all those interested.

No! My baby boy absolutely does not even closely resemble an infant who "sleeps through the night." I'm lucky to get three straight hours of sleep and sometimes it's a miracle if I get four. I frequently stumble around my home like a sleep deprived zombie and I drink at least two cups of coffee (yes, even while exclusively breast feeding) a day. I also hold my baby while he takes his naps and frequently bed share with him throughout the days when I need a nap too.

So you may say, "wow! Nicole how do you cope? Just let him cry." And to that comment I respond with "thanks, that might work for you and that's ok but I refuse to implement the cry it out method and that's ok too." And you know what? It is!

It's ok for me to wake up several times during the night because I've come to understand that my parenting doesn't stop when it gets dark outside. I'm still Edison's mommy at night, in bed and asleep just as much as I am his mommy during the day and awake. So if my baby needs me, he gets me. This too will not last, this too is just a season in my boys life and one day far in the future I'll miss my nights of nursing him back to sleep for the third time by 4am.

I'm taking my time transferring him to his room in his crib. I'm allowing my bed be a haven for him if he needs to nurse back to sleep at 6am. I used to be worried. I was nervous, stressed and terrified thinking that I was doing it wrong. Believing the lies that he'll never learn to sleep on his own or trying out any method possible to get him to sleep longer. And then I decided to say NO! I'm following my gut, I'm trusting my child. I'm parenting my baby my way and I'm not going to worry about this anymore. I'm going to wait out what my son needs, I'm going to wait for when HE is ready to sleep through the night in his crib. But until then what I'm doing is just fine, in fact it's perfect! And if that's a little "crunchy momma attachment style" for you then I'm sorry (not really)!

So no, there's no sleeping through the night here. Instead there's a lot of night nursing, walking, cuddling and gliding with some dreaming mix in. And I'm okay with that.
So now, Where's my coffee??
N.

Today was hard.

Today was hard. So. Damn. Hard. From the moment I woke up with Edi to the second I stepped into my in laws place and all the moments from then to now, was full of a screaming, crying, kicking, spit upping, mess of a baby boy. Cue exhausted mommy.

Yet, in the midst of the screams my baby boy still existed in the chaos and I kissed many kisses, hugged many hugs, held him tight and did everything I could to try and help him while keeping some of me for myself. I put him down in the midst of the screams just to pee and put on some clothing to feel normal and breathe a few deep breaths of calm.

Thank-you to all my friends who wrote a comment on FB, sent up a prayer and a virtual hug and offered to come over. One thing I know for sure is that becoming a mommy has opened up a world of support and love from friends that I had not realized before. The friendships that have strengthened and others that have rekindled and more that have resurfaced are full of encouragement, love and a commonality that transcends all else. So THANK-YOU! Thank-you, thank-you! So much!

Here's to hoping and praying that the night is good tonight still and tomorrow is great and my strength increases. I'm learning so much from my Edison about myself and who I wish to be for my little guy while learning about who he is too.

This mommy job is the hardest thing I've ever gotten myself into, but I couldn't imagine my life without the boy behind today's crazy. He's too cute and too special and has such a grip on my heart. I love you Edison Lyle.

N.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I made a real blog post about something. I had so many things to say before and now I feel like the things I could talk about aren't making their way out as easily as before.

Edison is doing great! I went to the doc again recently to check in and inquire again about his reflux. He's been MUCH better! The spit up he does do isn't as thick or gross as before so I'm glad. I've been struggling so much with keeping dairy free but it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference with him. Although, the past couple of weeks he's had the nastiest smelling farts. He could clear rooms! I'm not exaggerating, just ask Cam.

It's as though four has been Edison's lucky number, as soon as he turned four months things changed for the positive! And this momma is so very happy for that. He did so many different things so quickly (like over night) such as grabbing toys, observing everything so much more intently, giggling, grabbing faces, only wanting mommy to hold him, etc. I feel like my newborn baby is long gone and my baby boy who will crawl & explore is fast approaching. This boy of mine is definitely showing his personality and I'm loving it! I see so much of both Cam and I in him which is so fun.

We are working on a few things right now that at times seem overwhelming but having Cams strong support has been great. Edison finally has a good bedtime routine! We get him ready between 8-8:30pm depending on when he starts to get fussy. Cam changes his diaper and puts him in a sleeper and then his Ergococoon (best swaddler we've used so far) and then hands him over to me on the glider for boob. Edi and I glide until he's asleep and then he goes straight into his playpen (between 8:30-9pm). It's been working beautifully and I'm thrilled to finally have some time with Cam alone at night before we go to bed. After about a month of this I'm going to start to change the routine slightly each night with the goal that by the time he's a year old he'll be sleeping in his crib in his room alone. I'm in NO rush however (that's obvious) and I've accepted that this routine is perfect for us and I'm thrilled with it.

Cam and I are also keeping on with our gluten free journey. I'm thinking about blogging more often about my struggles concerning going gluten free and document how its going, what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I've been struggling so much emotionally with it. I'm sure I'm close to being full blown celiac and I'm certain that gluten free will save my health but I've been so addicted to wheat that it's been so hard to commit to a lifestyle that's harder when it's so much easier to fall back into old habits that have been keeping me sick (and fat). Thank goodness my husband is doing this with me. I need his support cause I've already wanted to give up so many times. I'm re-reading the book wheat belly over and over to remind me why I'm doing this. I think my biggest motivation now is my son and my strong desire to give him a sibling and have a really great second pregnancy.

Ok, this is long enough! Until next time, N.
once again, more Edison pics

Happy 4 month Edison!! (On Sept. 11)

Age: My baby is four months old! He's starting to look less & less like a baby & more like a little man.

Weight & height: we are going to the doc tomorrow but my guess for weight is around 15lbs.

Clothing: I've been taking some of his 3-6 month onesies out of his drawer now & placing them into his storage bucket. He's still fitting 6 month stuff really well & his 9 month stash looks good. I'm probably going to add some 9 month items to his drawer by the end of September. I'm currently working on accumulating his 12 month wardrobe. I LOVE his overalls, they're the most adorable thing on him.

Newest Likes:
• rolling over
* his ergo cocoon
* "talking"
* laughing
* grabbing faces
* eating noses
* sticking his tongue out
* blowing bubbles
* grabbing everything to put in his mouth (still mastering the stretch to reach for things)
* laying down to play
* being walked around & shown new "scenery"

Dislikes:
• gas
* teething (don't we all)
* still dislikes the car but a little less hatred than the previous month
* being put down
* when mommy sneezes

Development:
• holds his head up so well
• smiles really big & is starting to laugh/giggle too
• rolls over (so exciting!!)
• grabs things & holds onto them or puts them into his mouth
• drools all over himself
• leans forward
• "crawls" up your shoulder when you hold him
• more of a screaming type cry when he gets hysterical

All the above still apply, not sure what's really new other than he actually giggles now. He grabs & is starting to reach for things to bring to his mouth. He's starting to sleep at night a little longer now that we're starting a routine & have him swaddled in his cocoon.

Hows mom doing?: I'm much more confident in myself as a mother to my Edi. He's the best little guy and I love him more than I could have ever imagined. I'm thrilled to be going to the doctor again tomorrow with my list of questions to hopefully get answers for Edison. His spit ups are less but I'm noticing he's spitting up & chocking on it & swallowing it back down again (gross!) all day long. So I think she must be able to help with that.

Lately I've been really bummed out about my weight. I've gained back some after Edison's birth and my initial weight loss was amazing but feels less of an accomplishment. I got cravings & lack of sleep & exhaustion & all those excuses have set in & I'm back up on the scale. I very much want my next pregnancy to be as healthy as possible (no, NOT currently trying) so I MUST loose weight to accomplish that goal. It's really eating me up inside which is causing more stress & anxiety over the issue & so I eat more & the cycle continues. I very much want to be completely gluten free for life & so that's the continued goal I'm striving for. Hoping to start boot camp in October.

Well, Edi is finally asleep & it's time to get him in bed. Until next time. I'll leave you with some really cute Edison pictures!
N.

Edison rolls!

It just happened, a few days ago I put Edison on his back on the soft blankets like usual and BAM! He rolled onto his stomach. I was shocked but thrilled and continued putting him on his back throughout the day and each time he rolled! But not only that, he's trying so hard to crawl too. I'm in so much trouble! I think my boy is going to be a very active little guy who ends up crawling really soon.


What am I going to do to keep up with him? I'm not ready for this. All the sudden it's challenging to dress him cause he's rolling all over the place. Oh well, it'll be fun and if not I can just wear him in my ring sling all the time :)


Oh and Cam & I are still working on what to do about our sleeping arrangement. I think Cams waking Edi up at night sometimes (maybe I am too) so moving him might be good? I have no idea, I'm still so unsure of it all. Any good book recommendations on the topic? I'm not concerned about the sleeping through the night thing. I'm more concerned about the moving him to his crib thing. But then again I think I'm more comfortable with co-sleeping than I thought I'd be and it surprises me that I'm doing it. But I feel that since I was always told that babies sleep in their own cribs the fact that I'm actually co-sleeping now and am okay with it is something that I'm unfamiliar with. There is still that huge fear that if I don't move him now then it'll never happen. Wow! There's too much stress surrounding this. I'll stop talking about it now.

Diet update: I'm no longer eating eggs, dairy, gluten (which means no wheat), goats cheese, dried fruit & cabbage (gassy veggies). I'm currently working on also eliminating caffeine. All because my baby is really sensitive, you should of smelled him yesterday his gas was really really stinky.

Oh well, it's not all bad cause I've already lost 3.6lbs in 15 days! I feel really good and so does my baby, lots of smiles today :)
N.

Another hard day

Today was another one of those hard days, the type where I stay in my pjs with unwashed hair because my son is screaming so often. The type where I look at him with tears in my eyes because I just don't know why. The type where I question when these hard days will end.

I love my son.

I love his precious smile and his coos. I love the way he grabs my fingers to chew on and how he looks up at me when he nurses. I love it when he buries his head in my shoulder and how only I have the privilege of supplying his meals. I love his big blue eyes and adore that his nose looks similar to mine.

But I'm saddened when days like today happen and my smiling boy is replaced with a screaming, teary eyed mess of a child. A child that won't take my hugs or kisses or attempts at comfort. A child that seems impossible to please. A child that feels so far from my sweet, precious boy. A child that I still so desperately love. And I sit there with tears welling up in my eyes, holding him tight and beg to understand what the heck is going on.

There was no excessive spit up today but lots of tummy rumbling, lots of farting, lots of drooling and a more irritated than normal diapered bum. I've eaten no dairy or gluten (to my knowledge) in the past 24 hours and actually feel pretty good physically. Yet, my son has cried himself to such a hysterical point that he turned bright red and went stiff as a board several times today.

What. The. F@$k. Seriously!!

I love being a mommy. I love watching my baby boy grow up and I believe this is my greatest calling in life. But it feels so damn hard when the crying won't end and my baby is in obvious pain and I can't seem to do anything right to help him. What do I do? When will this end? But at the same time, dear God I don't want to miss it! I want to enjoy my three month old little man, he will never be this little ever again. But please, may his screaming turn to laughter soon really really soon.


I just don't know what's going on anymore 😢
N.

Happy 3 months Edison!

Age: My baby is three months old, WOW! It's going so fast!

Weight & height: when I had Edison weighed a couple weeks ago he was 12lbs. I'm assuming that he's around 13lbs now or more! I'll weigh him soon. He's currently 60 cm long.

Clothing: All of his 3-6 month sizes & 6 month onesies are currently in his drawer. A couple 3 month pants are still fitting him around the waist but are a little short. I'm buying cute 9 month size clothes now when I find them at good prices. And if anyone has used 9 month sized clothes they want to pass on I'm more than willing to take them!!

Likes:
• jolly jumper
• sleeping on daddy
• his soothie soother
• Ollie the elephant (his stuffie)
• blue ball rattle
• lying down on his blankets to kick
• watching the tv
• funny faces
• his Ergo baby carrier (most days)
• sucking on fingers (his & ours)
• baths & kicking the water
• sitting up to look around
• sleeping beside me in my bed or on our couch
• smiling, cooing & "talking"
• being held upright

Dislikes:
• car rides (unless someone is sitting beside him in the car)
• tummy time
• waiting for boob
• dairy, HATES dairy!
• wet hair in the tub
• napping in his cradle
• being alone at any point in time
• gas bubbles & tummy grumbles

Development:
• holds his head up so well
• smiles really big & is starting to laugh/giggle too
• rolls over (so exciting!!)
• grabs things & holds onto them or puts them into his mouth
• drools all over himself
• leans forward
• "crawls" up your shoulder when you hold him
• more of a screaming type cry when he gets hysterical


Hows mom doing?: I'm doing great! Especially since I've decided to just listen to my boy and offer him milk whenever he's showing signs of possible hunger. It's obvious by the above photo that Edison has definitely grown in the past month. He hasn't even had formula feeds so that's all due to my milk production. I'm no longer stressed or worried about my production, now I'm just worried about whats in my milk. Since we discovered Edison's reflux problem we decided I would go dairy and gluten-free, it's been remarkable how different he is now! I've even had friends who have seen Edi at his worst testify to me how different he is now! It's not just me experiencing a different baby, others are too! We're sure its my diet affecting him because as soon as I accidentally consume foods containing gluten or dairy we can see the averse effects in Edison's behavior an hour or so after he eats. So the really hard days (when Edi reacts) keep me motivated to stick to my new diet and be extra careful. I hope I end up loosing some weight in the process too, that'd be nice.

I'm also reading wheat belly but I'll write a different post on that later.

Happy three months to my little guy, you're growing too fast my love.
N.

Tell me why do I own this crib that's never used??

Edison is the best at cuddling, he just loves to snuggle up at my boob and put himself to sleep. And if my boob isn't anywhere in sight then he'll settle for a soothie and some rocking to catch his z's. But then try and put him in his crib or playpen and in minutes you've got a wide awake hysterically crying little man. He's not a happy boy when sleeping alone and I'm getting to the point where I really want to encourage that to change.

I never imagined that I'd become the mom that would co-sleep with her baby. I always questioned the practice and deemed it unsafe and a complete nuisance. I mean why would I want to share my bed, I already share it! But then Edison came along of course and I ended up reading tons of articles on the benefits of co-sleeping and after a few sleepless nights I said screw it and Edi has ended up in our bed half way through the night ever since. And I've really noticed how different the nights are when I bring Edi into our bed compared to the nights when I'm fighting him to fall back asleep so I can get him back to his bed and me back to mine.

Yet, I'm back and forth in all this. I think to myself that things seem fine. He's needing comfort and my breasts seem to be the place he's choosing for that. But then there's moments (more often lately) when I'm wishing I could just put him in his crib for his nap so I can get the loads of laundry done or take a much needed nap and shower. I don't want this to become a bigger issue in a couple months when he's older and more aware. But then I don't want to rush what he's not ready for, I'm really not sure where to go from here.

What do I do? Where do I start? I have no clue. I knew that the three month mark was when I wanted to start doing something to establish routine and move Edison slowly to his crib. I'm not so desperate to get him in his crib at night so much as I am to get him there for his naps and then transition him after he's napping in his crib most of his naps. I'm realizing though that this is going to take some serious dedication (and tears) but I'm not willing to do the cry it out method. That method is just not for us, no judgement if you did it, I just don't want to. So what do I do? How do I start? What's best? I'm no longer worried about Edison nursing to sleep on me (a non issue on my opinion) but I do want him to sleep in his crib after his feeds if he's sleepy. That transition is the most important for me to start working on. Because right now he'll only sleep on either me or Cam or my mom most times. And only stay sleeping if he's being held.


I never anticipated that I'd have to teach my new baby how to sleep. Shouldn't that just be built in from birth? I think it should be!
N.

World breastfeeding week, we're doing great!

Wednesday marked the first day of world breastfeeding week and it's the first time I've actually paid attention. My life is now completely changed, this adorable little boy has claimed my boobies as his property and like during my pregnancy, my body is not my own.

But I've come to understand that it's okay, breastfeeding is all apart of my relationship with my son and I wouldn't have it any other way. And after all our hard work, after the many tears, frustrating moments and appointments, I've come to understand that my breastfeeding relationship is just between Edison and I. We get to choose how this relationship evolves, nobody else is apart of it, nobody else has a say, it's just us and I'm starting to gain the confidence I need to listen to just my son and block the rest of the world out.


So if Edison nurses too frequently for your liking, well tough! And if his latching to fall asleep or our frequent co sleeping isn't something you agree with, well I don't care. And if you think that my time is too valuable and shouldn't be spent on the couch with my son, then I'm here to tell you that you're wrong! I'm not listening to you doctors anymore who tell me that I'm doing it wrong because in my heart I know I'm doing it right for us.

I've decided that I'm only listening to my son from now on. My boy knows exactly what he needs and I believe he has the ability to tell me exactly what that is. I trust him! He has his own personality, his own likes and dislikes which aren't the same as every other infant. So I'll stop comparing him to every other infant and start realizing that he is his own and I'm his mother who loves him just as he is. Especially during his frequent late night feeds and the times he needs a snuggle and a long suckle because his gas bubbles are bothering him. Moments like these are passing by far too quickly and he'll eventually reject my milk for something else. So I'll hold onto my gassy son who has found a home at my breasts and treasure all these moments for as long as they will last. I may even nurse longer than I ever expected, I don't know. But since we have worked so hard at breastfeeding I feel that cutting him off at a certain age just because he reached that point isn't for us. This may make others uncomfortable and I guess I'm preparing myself for that but I'm quite certain that I'll be breastfeeding my son into his toddler years. But of course only if he wants it. I know I have my husbands support and that's all that matters.

So to my soon to be mommy friends please find confidence in yourself and trust in your child. Please realize that breastfeeding is hard for the majority of us and your baby may feed for what feels like all the time but that it's normal. And if you need encouragement and help then seek out a lactation specialist (Cloverdale public health is amazing!) or a post partum doula (I know a couple amazing ones too!) there is real support out there, I promise!
N.

damn you dairy!

I accidentally had dairy yesterday at dinner and this morning for breakfast and as a result, last night followed by all day today has sure been a challenge. My sweet boy is back to spitting up excessively (all over me and down my back, ew!) his smiles have gone and are now replaced once again with tears and screams. I didn't mean to "test the theory" but these past 17 hours have sure got me convinced that my boy has a very real dairy sensitivity.

I'm exhausted, running on four hours of sleep is not fun. Even with two cups of coffee and help from my mom. So I sure hope that once this leaves his system then he'll sleep at night again. Just waiting on Cam to come home so I can nap, I'm not going to make it much longer.

So I guess I'll leave you with another picture of my very cute son with his new sun glasses from his Uncle Jason.


N.

Something new to blog about

Blogging has always been my way to journal my thoughts, emotions, life events and have them documented just for me. I never imagined my entries would be read by the many people that have contacted me to tell me so. Or the many people my mom frequently converses with who tell her they keep up with my life through my blog. I'm touched! I'm thrilled, SO much love and support has come through this blog and many friendships have begun or have been rekindled because of it. I'm very happy for that. It turns out that mothers everywhere have a common language and offer all sorts of support, I'm very excited to be apart of that club now! So thank you if you've been reading for a while now, I appreciate you! Honestly, I do.

And I promise I won't stop blogging about Edison and our journey together. Things are still going very well, I feel much more confident, more empowered as a mother and much less stressed. The experience we went through really helped me to recognize what my mommy instincts sound like and look like.

But now I have something else to blog about and I feel if I throw it out there into the world then I can't hide or give up on it. Cam approached me a couple weeks ago with the idea of eating wheat free, for himself! Now this is a man who only eats carbs some days and loves a cold beer always. I was SHOCKED! Even more so when he started a blog no-wheat-for-a-year and was actually serious about it. So we discussed it and both agree that going wheat free means establishing better health habits for us and our son. With Edison having come into our family we realize how essential it is that we start changing things now and this to us is a first step.

I've had digestion issues for ten years now and I'm positive that I'm gluten intolerant so staying away from wheat is only good for me and my health. And if my husband is going wheat free then how can I justify still eating it when out of the two of us I'm the one that needs to stay away from it the most?

So, of course I'll blog about it here and express my joy and frustrations along the way. I guess I'll have to adopt a whole new way of thinking in regards to what I eat. Especially since I'm still eating dairy free for Edison. I hope I'll drop some weight too along the way but that's not my focus.

So starting August 1st I'll be wheat & dairy free! Wish me luck and if you know of some great recipes send them my way. And check out Cams blog too, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.
N.

I've got a happy baby today!!!

I don't know what it is and maybe I'm going to jinx it by posting this but Edison has had such a fantastic day today! He hasn't even spat up yet like has earlier in the week, just one little one when he was lying down. He's only been drooling which is no big deal. I can handle drool! He's only been crying for boob and when he's tired for sleep or a diaper change, just the normal baby stuff. There hasn't been any screaming at all like before when he had a gas or reflux episode.

But the day and night are not over yet and thats when he was screaming the most so we might still be in for a rough night tonight. Fingers crossed that this very happy and smiley boy of mine sticks around.

Whats interesting though is the only thing I've changed in the last 24 hours is eliminating dairy from my diet. So maybe I'm onto something!!! Only time will tell for sure :)

N.

So, reflux it is

Edison & I patiently waiting for the doctor.


Well, we saw the doctor and it was confirmed that Edison has reflux. However, because he's healthy otherwise and gaining weight there's no reason to put him on medication. He is an excessive spitter but is still within the realm of normal. I mentioned his eating habits and he recommended on demand feeding and didn't seem very worried about a low milk supply. He mentioned that the weights Edison has had the last few times are great and not to be concerned about them. He said supplementing all the time isn't something I should do cause it'll take Edi away from my breast and then my milk will go lower.

So how do I feel about all this? Actually, relief because someone finally told me that everything is okay and what I've been doing is perfect for my baby. So I'll continue to feed on demand, I'll continue to keep Edi upright after feeds and burp him often. I'll start eating dairy and wheat free to see if that makes a difference in his behavior (plus it won't hurt me to get healthier) and I'll FINALLY stop stressing and stop worrying. Instead I'll continue to enjoy every moment with my boy, even if in those moments I'm covered in spit up.

Now to go catch up on some laundry!

N.