Right now I'm feeding my son who wants to eat on a consistent basis. So much so that my boobs are always being sucked on. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and nervous still to tackle things alone without help from Cam. I'm still feeling dizzy at times and weak and I feel it's okay to lean on Cam right now. Although I think going on walks around my neighborhood would be a good thing to start doing by myself.
I've been independent and self sufficient so much of my life. I took a hit when my grandparents died but have gotten back to that place of secure independence. But now I feel scared that I'm slipping back into dependence on others to get myself out and moving again. I honestly feel nervous to do the mommy thing alone right now. That I'll somehow mess up, that he'll start crying and I won't know what to do and I'll be seen as a fraud. It feels as though the fear of it all has defeated me and kept me home. Yet, other factors such as exhaustion is a cause for my home time as well. It's hard to distinguish what is an excuse to hide the truth and what it is I'm actually experiencing. I don't believe that I'm walking the path of depression but I'm sure it looks differently for everyone. What's scary is that I'm not sure what it looks like to me.
Once again I need to keep in mind that "comparison is the killer of joy". And I'm experiencing so much joy with my little man! I'm holding onto his smiles, our quiet times when he eats, my precious time holding him when he sleeps. All of which will change much too soon. There is a lot of happiness here.
So maybe if you end up coming over instead of staying in we could go out for a little while? To the Starbucks maybe? And maybe you can encourage me when my baby cries by saying that I'm doing good. Because sometimes a new mother just needs a friend to help her take the first step and hold her through the fear that it's all going to be so very overwhelming. And I might need your help to remember that it's okay and this won't last forever.
N.
4 comments:
I remember feeling soooooo nervous anticipating Brad going back to work. Since he did everything except nurse the baby in the first few weeks, I felt like I didn't know my baby at all. That I wouldn't know what was making him cry, or that he was tired, etc.
But it got better with time. Give yourself time. And don't discredit hormones. Those postpartum hormones are whack. Truly.
Your friend Sharon is very wise.
It's unfortunate every baby doesn't come with their own manual. Cuz that sure would be helpful.
You're doing a great job and if babies didn't cry, well - they couldn't communicate. Let's make plans this week or next while Lex is still at preschool. I could either pick you up or meet you at preschool. Good girl for wanting to get out!!! It will all come with time - it's the biggest learning curve ever!!!
Hey Nicole,
Something to consider, often when Chinese women give birth to a baby, they don't leave the house for 4 months! I know you aren't Chinese, but this Western world we find ourselves living in is so darned high-stress and fast paced. I find that I remind Alissa to just take a deep breath and let things happen as they happen.
When Nadia wouldn't stop sucking, it was because she was exhausted and didn't know how to sleep. She would start crying every single time that Alissa took her off the boob! All you can do is take it a day at a time, and celebrate the little victories and accomplishments you, cam and bubba have.
Tim
"The reason that we suffer with thoughts of inadequacy is that we constantly compare our behind-the-scenes footage with other people's highlight reels." Steven Furtick
One of my absolute favourite thoughts that I go back to whenever I feel like things could be better.
You are the worlds leading authority on all things Edison Stehr and therefore you will make excellent choices!
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