last appointments... great news!

So where did I leave off last post? Ah yes! That's right... (just caught myself up!) Onto my update of my very last cognitive behavioural therapy appointment and my last physiotherapy appointment. I promise that I have some good stuff to share.

My last cognitive therapy appointment was really quite sad cause I knew it would be the last time I was in the room with the other ten women going through the same things I am going through. They understand me, they talk about this problem just like I do! They know what it means to have this condition, what it means to have chronic pain. They know the struggles that are in marriage because of it, self image, sexual identity and self worth because of it. It was hard to say goodbye, but I am grateful to have gone through those sessions with them. They are some very strong and beautiful women and I wish them all of lifes incredible blessings and especially healing both physically and mentally.

What I got most out of my cognitive therapy was just the realization of how impactful my thoughts are on my behaviour and vice versa. I left those sessions with the understanding that I control my mind, it doesn't have to control me. And that I can just lay my thoughts down and decide whether or not to engage in them. I do not have to be captive to whatever pops into my head. I believe that this revelation will transform the way I live, think and act. It's definitely a discipline that needs practice, along with the mindfulness/meditation, but I fully intend on continuing in it.

My last physiotherapy appointment was last Wednesday, Cameron came with me and I was really REALLY nervous. There were so many thoughts and emotions going through my mind about what she might say and what my life could potentially be like after seeing her. Would I need more physio? Would we be able to start trying for a baby? If I do get pregnant, how would this condition affect my labour and delivery? I could go on with all the questions that were running through my mind. I had to stop myself and surrender the fears to God through prayer many times. I also took a lot of those running thoughts and put them in the river of my mind and let them drift away (an analogy the therapist encouraged us to use). But when we got there in her office and we sat with her, she immediately asked us, "do you have any questions for me?" After all that thinking and all that contemplating the only thing that fell out of my mouth was "we want to get pregnant!" Then she immediately grinned ear to ear and said "YES! absolutely go for it!" I just about cried. I was over the moon excited that she was so willing to support us 100% and give us her full encouragement and educate us concerning the impact of my condition. We had a very detailed conversation about how to move my and Cam`s intimate relationship forward, information that was of great value to us. We also talked for a long time about labour and delivery for when the time comes. She made me understand that I will have to take full responsiblity for informing the doctors again and again about my Vestibulodynia. This means that I would need to have less vaginal exams than the normal labouring woman would and that I would need to be very clear to the doctors about why. I thought this would be fine since I have no problems at all with being very loud, informative and stubborn concerning my Vestibulodynia and that area of my body.

After the shrieks of joy, and my little happy dance. She then went over the exercises with me, showing Cam what I've been doing and explaining why I`ve been doing it. What is really great is that we also started to see a pattern with my pain over the last two weeks and we discussed that as well. It's great that I've been doing those self exams to know exactly when it is and is NOT a good time for me pain wise. And remember that exercise that I didn't want to explain to you, well... it turns out that I've done so well with it that I'm in the 1%! What that means is 99% of women with this condition CAN NOT do the exercise the way I can (with NO pain!). This is wonderful news! I am beyond excited, and also do not need any further physiotherapy. I will however, have to do the exercises for as long as I have this condition. So I could be doing them for years to come, but that does not matter so long as the condition is in my control (which it is now!).

So to sum up... We can start trying whenever we want to have children, and I am doing incredibly well with both cognitive therapy and especially physiotherapy. Just one more discharge appointment in April and the program is done! I am so blessed to have been given this opportunity and am so thankful for all those who have supported me and Cameron through it.

I do believe that this was the work of God and that He heals through extraordinary ways, I had prayed for years for healing and have witnessed that prayer request granted. I look forward to finally being able to try to get that pee stick to say positive, I cry many happy tears over the reality of that dream coming true very soon. Please Lord God, may nothing more stand in the way of me becoming a mother. May my children be born in Your timing. Amen.

Thanks again for reading as I shared my journey with you... and stay tunned to see when I actually do start to grow a baby in my belly :)

N.

More of my journey to healing...

It's been a little while since I've written about my ongoing journey in my treatment against Vestibulodynia. I am currently doing a lot better in the emotional department of all of this. I guess I just decided to take the perspective of "this has happened, it doesn't change who I am or how much I love my husband or my life, I will accept it, treat it and move on". So, here I am in acceptance of this condition. It doesn't mean that I wake up happy about it every morning. It just means that I smile and thank God for each moment of every day because I am thankful for the blessings I have in life. This problem will not kill me, it will not prevent me from having children, it will not prevent me from being intimate with my husband and it will not deprive me of my happiness.

So here we go with an update:

The last cognitive therapy appointment I had was really interesting, the therapist talked about the connection between our thoughts, emotions, behaviour and physical responses and how they are all interconnected with one another. Not one aspect can be changed without the others being affected by the change. Therefore, if I choose to change my thought proccesses or behaviours in regards to this disease, then the physical (ie: pain) may change too! My homework was to identify the things that I am believing to be true about this problem. The example she used was the thought of "this problem will never change" then there is a sheet to fill out with questions about that thought process. It asks what is your evidence to support your thought? What is the evidence that goes against your thought? Rate your thought in terms of how much you believe it to be true, etc... By doing this we are to see and identify that the opposite can be true of our negative thought process instead of the thought itself. What I mean is, there are thousands of women who have come out of this treatment and similar treatments like this one with incredible success. Therefore, I can also find success in defeating this disease and conclude that my intital thought of "this problem will never change" is wrong! I CAN be successful and get to a point where I can be intitmate with my husband without intense pain. I am VERY excited for that day :)

My last physio appointment was one of the best and most positive experiences I've had thus far in this program! She said that I was doing GREAT (did you just read that? she said great!). This makes me really happy because I was really concerned that the exercises I was doing daily on my own weren't changing anything. One of the things I am supposed to do is rate my pain every day by doing a particular self examination type technique that I will NOT discuss here (sorry!). I am starting to realise that this pain is "no big deal" I still have the pain but I am no longer emotionally attached to it. That may sound weird, trust me it sounded weird to me too at the beginning but I understand now what it means. At my first physio appointment when the doctor was showing me what to do for this particular self exam she mentioned "it is really important for you to not be emotinally attached to the pain". She said, "you have to accept that there will be some discomfort, maybe you'll experience some pain but before you preform the self exam relax your pelvic muscles (which she continues to teach me how to do) and bring your mind to a place with no emotional attachement, just acceptance". I feel like I've begun to get really good at this, it's not even really an expectation anymore to feel the pain. Rather it's like a "I accept that this pain may be felt but it's ok either way" type of experience now. I hope that when I go back again next week for my last physio that she will give me a thumbs up, more exercises to do and then send me on my way without any more follow up. I am bringing Cam with me and we have a lot of questions to ask the doctor in terms of intimacy and then pregnancy too (for future reference).

I am confident that I will get better, that this program is helping me to get better. I am so HAPPY that I am doing it and getting the chance to experience change in this part of my life. I am no longer haunted by it, or sad by it. I am accepting that this has happened and that it is OK that it has. I am kneeling infront of God, the rock of my life and offering it all to Him and asking for healing and peace. And I am thankful that this has only brought my husband and I closer together, I love him more today than I did the day we met and our wedding day.

Thanks for reading,
Blessings on you today,

N.

Fridge talk

A wonderful message left for me from my hubby!

I'm so in love with him :)

N.

Something positive

Today was my very 1st physiotherapy appointment, I have 2 more left. Although I knew I had no reason to be nervous, I was very nervous and very anxious. I had never met this woman before, what was she going to do?

Well... As we started to talk, she asked questions and I answered them and she actually said. "good!" to a couple things I said that I've been doing. Like getting into an exercise routine (reduces pain) and accommodating my intimate relationship with my hubby.

She described my problem as being like a car alarm. The pain is an alarm sounding in my brain, but the alarm is broken and going off when it shouldn't be. So what we need to do is fix the alarm. She said that NOTHING is wrong with my nerves or tissue, good news!!! It's just the alarm that needs fixing in my brain. Sounds complicated, and it is and it will take hard work. Like being dedicated to my homework exercises to be done everyday... But... She seems very confident in the therapy and that's good enough for me!!!

I'm still really emotional about this whole journey. I haven't had time to just sit on my bed in my room and cry it out alone. I'm hoping to do that tomorrow or Friday night. I have more cognitive therapy homework to do those nights, I'm sure that'll get my tears flowing.

Good Night!
N.

Thanks mom & dad!

Mmmmmmmm.... Salt water taffy. SO GOOD :)

not yet Nicole... but soon!

Last Wednesday, which was February 15th to be exact. I had my treatment planning appointment with one of the gynecologists in the MVP program. I really liked her (at the beginning of our appointment) up until the point in time where she gave us bad news. Great! More bad news! How can this shitty problem get any worse you might ask? Well... Let me tell you.

Cam came with me to this particular appointment because he was allowed and I thought it was important and valuable for him to be apart of the conversation. After some very awkward questions concerning our sex life from this perfect stranger, I brought up my past Endometriosis surgery. I thought to myself, "they must be linked together somehow!". Bad news #1: the two diseases are most certainly NOT connected in any way. So when I asked, "so I got some seriously bad luck?" and she replied, "unfortunately yes" I was not a happy gal. ALTHOUGH! My Endo is gone, I must keep reminding myself of that.

So then conversation continued and the topic of fertility and family planning came up. Now may I remind you that I've wanted to be a mommy for... Like always! And Cam has only been on board the baby idea completely for like a month. So insert, Bad news #2: no baby.... yet! She doesn't want my positive sexual arousal cycle to disappear so she said "treatment first, babies after, we will return to the baby discussion at your discharge appointment". I saw Cam nodding in agreement and all I could do was stare at the carpet and think, "seriously??? And I JUST got him on board with the baby thing!" I was a walking emotional wreck for a while afterwards. And in a state of depression until yesterday.

She said most young women with my condition want children and prioritize their babies first, but then because of that they don't follow through with their treatment. They end up loosing their ability to become sexually aroused and eventually avoid intimacy altogether. This becomes quite a problem and many relationships end because of it.

So right now it's a choice between fixing my Vestibulodynia with adequate treatment and having kids when that gets better, OR just ignoring treatment and start trying for kids with the risk of things getting much worse.

So updated goal: get to the point THIS LATE SPRING/EARLY SUMMER to conceive a child without the fear or experience of tremendous pain.

Cam and I both agreed to listen to the gynecologist for now and revisit the baby topic in April. I feel like if I continue the treatments after the program ends (the ones that are working for me) until I get pregnant and throughout my 1st trimester and then right away after delivery. I could have my baby and still get better, there has to be a way to do both.

Right now I'm taking it as Gods way of saying "not yet Nicole, but soon... I haven't forgotten".

I wonder what my 1st physiotherapy appointment will bring this Wednesday.

N.

I am a provoked Vestibulodynia sufferer

I've already been thinking for weeks about if I was going to write this particular post and how I was going to write it. Should I include all the information, some of the information, no information? Then I thought, "well... all my close friends know, my entire family knows, what if there is a woman or couple out there that comes across this post and needs the info?" So here I am, writing this post and offering up my testimony so that I can potentially help another woman with this disease, or at least encourage a woman who is ashamed or embarrased come out and find the correct help.

All I've ever wanted in life was my own family, I was the girl that dreamed about her prince charming and her perfect home with at least four kids running around. So when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis back in 2007, I was devestated, horrified, lost, depressed, angry, and experienced sadness I had never felt before. There was a potential for infertility, it was NOT good news. Then I got refered to the best doctor and got surgery two months before my wedding day and life was perfect again! No pain, No side effects... poof! it was gone!

Until... I experienced once again a pain that can only be described as "though I was being ripped open!" on my wedding night. I thought, "of course it will hurt the first time, no big deal". But then it hurt every other time after that, for months! At my review appointment with my miracle doctor who did my Endo surgery, we concluded that she actually did get all the Endo out!! There was a moment of excitment and joy and celebration, until I told her about my new pain. I was immediately examined by her, and with a look of saddness in her eyes she gave me a new booklet and sent me into the waiting room. As I opened the booklet and reviewed the material I came across the words "chronic pain disease" and I started to cry. Alone in the waiting room of the Womens hospital I found out that I had what's called provoked Vestibulodynia, with paitents recovery rate at 60%, and 75% if they go through the MVP treatment program at Vancouver General Hospital.

I felt a whole range of emotions as you can probably guess at the diagnosis, I was once again angry, felt defeated, sad and was in a serious state of denial for a very long time. Finally in March of 2011 (I was diagnosed originally in May of 2009) I saw my doctor again and asked for a referal into the MVP program at Vancouver General Hospital. It was time that I came face to face with the reality of this disease. At this appointment I was once again examined to confirm the original diagnosis of provoked Vestibulodynia. Even though to hear the diagnosis once again made my sadness return, the doctor did an internal ultrasound exam to check my ovaries, eggs and uterus to ensure that I could get pregnant in the future. Let me tell you that seeing my eggs brought tears to my eyes, the good news coming out of that appointment was that I could in fact get pregnant, and that my fertility changes were much higher now because of the surgery she preformed to remove my Endometriosis! I was THRILLED!

Although that was a positive experience I had to once again face that even though my reproductive system wasn't being influenced by this new diagnosis, my sexual response and association with sexual touch was (and continues to be) in serious trouble. I was refered and immediately got a phone call from the director of the program at the hospital. I got all the information I needed and talked to my the director at my new job W&T for the time off to complete the MVP program. I was once again THRILLED when the W&T director in her office gave me a big hug and said "you MUST do this!". What an answer to prayer, to have been hired on by such an incredibly understanding company and get into the MVP program at the hospital for such a horrible vulva disease.

So here I am...

A confirmed (again!) sufferer of provoked Vestibulodynia, going through a program that I hope will save my sex life. I will blog some of my experiences through this program, as it is incredibly helpful for me to sort of "journal" these moments. But I will keep it somewhat vague, since we are talking about a very intimate part of my anatomy and relationship with my hubby.

My number one goal right now: getting to the point where I will have the ability to conceive a child without the fear or experience of tremendous pain.

Wish me luck!
N.

A boy!

I wanted to introduce you to my newest nephew, David Nicolaus Stehr. I can't wait to meet him this summer, he is just perfect!

New hair!

I desperately needed my hair done and was THRILLED that my friend (and hairdresser) was available. So take a look, I loooooove my hair like this!

Don't cha love the sexy foils!

All done and looking sexy!

Happy weekend!

N.

Supervisor

So today as I was trying to convince Cam to let me have a cup of his coffee, my phone rang. "Nicole, so Teacher D is sick, you need to be the supervisor today. All day! I got you subs." my response? "um... What? Ok. Thanks." insert brief panic attack followed by quick sprinting to get out the door and to work early to get things set up. All in all, it was a FANTASTIC day!

I've been praying lots for God to show me if I'm in the right spot. Please God, show me that I can do this. All of it, please bring me confidence and belief in my abilities. He answered those prayers today. Because honestly, I rocked it!! :)

So Teacher D, it's ok if you get sick! I promise I can take care of things.

Happy Friday,

Teacher N.

A little of this and that

So we got a lot of snow this past week, so much so that I cried in my car on the way to work one morning. I was petrified that I wouldn't make it there and instead hit black ice and end up in a ditch. I love snow, but despise driving in it. Sadie (my car) didn't even start one morning, I was late for work but just glad that my dad was home and able to take me in my little brothers car. That was definitely the worst morning so far, there was even a spider in my shower that morning. BUT now there is rain, no snow.

I've been reading this great book by Joyce Meyers about health and worthiness. It's inspired me to pay attention to what I eat once again and start exercising on a daily basis. So now I'm tracking my calories and waking up at 6am to use the gym in my garage. I'm honestly loving it, I'm not weighing myself cause frankly I don't care about that. I just want to be healthy.

I only have one week left at work before I go down to four days a week for two months. That's another post, I'm still not too sure how much I want to share. But I will say that I'm going to be participating in a treatment at Vancouver Hospital.

Well... Time for my lazy Sunday to commence.

Blessings, N.

A pic of my new favorite book (below)

dinner... whole wheat waffles

A big plateful of YUM! And I can't have waffles without a cup of tea. All around delicious!

The beauty of home

A nice walk with my hubby in the pretty snow covered neighborhood. I truly adore where I live, I don't want to be anywhere else.

Sickly

I promised Cam that this year 2012, I would try hard not to complain as much. I had NO idea that I had come to be such a frequent complainer. Which is definitely NOT ok.

Currently however, I am STILL sick for now my fourth week and I'm done with it. Going through box after box of tissues is just a pain and I'm exhausted from constant coughing!

Tonight I even stubbed my toe so hard (I have tremendously bad luck with that) that I started crying hysterically. Cam took pictures of my little melt down but I'm not posting them!

Please body, I beg you, get better soon.

N.

End of complaints. Good night!

New years (a little late)

I realize that this post is a little late, but I figured that was ok. My New Years eve was actually quite different this year (like everything else about Xmas 2011). We went to my bestie's house, her boyfriend was there and my brother came along. It was a lot of fun! We played games, ate a good meal and counted down to midnight. Good times were had by all.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this new year 2012 and the plans that Cam and I have for the year. I don't really do resolutions, I have goals for myself but that's about it.

Here are a few of our plans/goals to share for 2012:
* Continue to work on making this new home feel like home. Paint the bedrooms and bathroom, get area rugs, shelving, pictures framed, a shelving unit for the living space, finish the mini projects in the kitchen, get the curtains up.
* Pay off Sadie (our car) while saving up for a down payment for a future home. Go and speak to the bank about mortgages and what we need to do to get what we want.
* The talk of pregnancy and having a baby is becoming a very frequent conversation for us. Maybe there will be a baby to join our family this year? I won't give more details on this until a test says (+).
* Stay at home and don't go traveling anywhere outside BC. Take a few camping trips this year close by.
* Send Cam to school in the coming fall to start on his horticultural degree for his landscaping career.

A few plans/goals I have for myself to share for 2012:
* Get healthy! Kick sugar from my diet, start exercising. I'm not interested in going on a diet I just want to get healthy and strive to eat healthier.
* Finish all the classes I need to complete by the end of this year so all I'll have left to complete in 2013 will be practicums and observation papers! Then I'll have my full ECE license.
* Start spending more time in prayer and with my bible. Start trying to listen to what God is saying and to not be afraid of the change that He may be making in my life.
* Make my treatment at Vancouver General Hospital a top priority. Do exactly what they say, and believe that I can achieve healing through the program.

I think that's about it! I'm really proud of Cam and I. The year 2011 was fantastic, it was really busy but we had some great changes happen. We moved into a bigger space paying less rent, I went to school and got a great full time job in my career choice. Cam decided to make landscaping his career choice over youth work. We bought a car, we did a lot in our home to make it ours. We travelled to Vegas, Harrison Hot Springs and Winnipeg. Wow! What a year.

Thanks for reading and we wish you a really great New Year 2012!

Blessings, N.

Train stopped me on my way home from work!

More Xmas fun

This is my niece Jackie, she consistently climbed into my lap while we were there in Winnipeg for Christmas. I got a lotta love, hugs, kisses and joy from being with her! What a great Christmas break! :)



When we got back home from Winnipeg, we got to have Christmas with my side of the family!!! A true Kroeker family Christmas, with presents and fantastic food! The best Christmas day on December 29th that we've ever had!! I got these (below) from my little brother, SO comfy!



I hope everyone's celebrations were fantastic this season. I know we had 2 solid weeks of fun fun fun! Although I'm sad (and a bit nervous) to get back into the routine of full time work... I'm thrilled to get back into the swing of things and "real life". Plus, before I know it I'll have another 2 weeks off in march for spring break AND I don't have night classes this semester. Yippee!

Blessings, N.

Christmas eve winnipeg emergency experience

Never did I think that I'd spend any amount of time in emergency on a Christmas eve but I did the other day. Don't worry, it wasn't an emergency but all the clinics around here were full and my cough turned on me. My lungs started hurting/aching the night of December 23rd and I was puking up stuff and hacking out green thick stuff so I figured a check up was required. I got to emergency, was registered and in minutes called up for blood work, brought to the back of the hospital, given a gown, a bed and told to pee in a cup. I was honestly horrified! We (cam & I) waited for what felt like a lifetime (while listening to a poor man talk about his recent stroke adjacent to where we were) then the doc came in. She looked at me and kinda chuckled, said that the urine test and blood test were unnecessary (really? Great!). She listened to my lungs and concluded that I have bronchitis, gave me some antibiotics and sent me on my way. What an unforgettable Winnipeg Christmas eve!!! Now I just need to wait for this cough to take its course, I could have it for up to a month more... depending if it's viral or bacterial. This is what happens when you work with eighty children who cough on you! At least they are lovable, cute and incredibly fun to teach. Or else I may be a bit bitter about the Christmas sickness. The Christmas gifts I got from them help me through the coughing too! :)

One more week then it's back to work!!
Blessings, N.

Location:Winnipeg,Canada

Merry Christmas everyone!

What a beautiful time of year! Merry Christmas from Winnipeg! We will be back home on the 28th to celebrate with my side of the family.


What a beautiful bunch of children, love them to bits.


Our puppy niece juno, what a sweetie!

Happy holidays to family and friends we love!
N.

Location:Des Meurons Rue,Winnipeg,Canada

Stockings are ready!

I had a vision a couple years ago (our 1st xmas) concerning how I could personalize our stockings for Christmas. This year since there would be many stocking gifts and we had no way to distinguish whose stocking was whose. I took the time to make them our own. Cam requested the snowman, so I tried to make him as cute as possible! And I made myself the xmas tree, I'm going to eventually get beads for it, just not this year. I love how they turned out! I'm very very happy! Who knew I could be that creative with some left over felt and thread???








Now we are ready for christmas, officially!!!

We are off to Winnipeg at 6am in the morning tomorrow! Pray that we get there safely please.

Christmas Blessings,
N.

Life is hard these days!

What a beautiful place to be for our anniversary!

N.

Location:Harrison Hot Springs,Canada