so.. I hate my doctor...okay hes a nice guy, i'll give him that. but does he even listen to a thing I say?? NOPE! he just nods his head, scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands me some drugs that I absolutely refuse to take. because he was seriously not listening to what is going on.
i have abdominal pain every day... I am always feeling like I need to throw up and other things I will not mention, but he didnt listen to that. he said "here is some zelnorm, see me when your done it"
NO!
ive heard things about zelnorm.. and I honestly dont want to do that, i want a diagnosis, i want a doctor to listen to what I am saying and care about it... I want someone to tell me "yes! here is it, there is something wrong" instead of feeling like Im the only one in the world that feels like crap, instead of feeling like what i am experiencing is all in my head... AHHHH!!!
okay thats my screaming of anger frustration.

I cried.... actually i bawled my eyes out when I got outta that office and into the car. my mom asked what I thought and I said "a new doctor!" so here i go on a search for a female doctor that wont look at me like im nuts when i tell her things im going through and who will tell me that i am not alone in it and suggest some sort of testing to make sure.
anyone want to share their doctor?

and right now that doctor appointment came at the worst time.
When I am sick with some sort of cold, flu or virus thats making me feel like crap...and when you feel sooo sick all you want is comfort food, and let me tell you brown rice and chicken is not comfort food. So Ive been bad with my eating these past couple of days... I just dont feel good.... so why try and feel better?
That silly doctor has made me feel so much like there is something wrong with me mentally, i know that this isnt true. BA!

But there is no excuse, I have been placing so much on my health that I have come to loose sight of God. This I completely regret... to focus so much on my IBS has been the most unhealthy thing to do. Cause in that I have lost my spiritual health and that is most important. I need so desperatly to get that back.... please think of me in your prayers!
FATHER GOD... FORGIVE ME! Amen.

thanks so much Kortney and Dara for what you wrote in my comments on my last post. I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday and Im going to complain a lot more and get more testing done... hopefully something will show, hopefully I will get some answers, some real answers.
Yesturday was Brandons birthday, and so like we always do we went out to eat. I had previously been to Montanas that afternoon and unfortuently they put cheese on my salad (stupid cooks) so I was already feeling really gross, so I thought "hey why not get something I really want, Im already feeling like crap" so I did. And man alive! horrible HORRIBLE pain. So bad that I couldnt sleep... so bad that all I wanted to do was lie and moan and puke, really really bad. And then this morning when I woke up, I was a lot more nauxious feeling accompanied with dizzyness, blurred vision and other sort things. I hardly ate today cause it was so hard to....
BA! I yell in frustration... yes its my fault cause I was stupid yesturday and ate badly, but did I get heat stroke today? or are there other symptons that I need to add to my long list??

today is Cam and I five month! :)
yay... and this week he is home wed-sun, a nice long break for him from camp. I am so excited to see him. I am so excited to finally get to see him more then just once this week. Yay! :) big smiles for me.

I was reading Psalm 139 last night... it brought me to tears to realize the tremendous love God has, I cant even begin to imagine it. I cant even begin to understand it, although I am trying hard to... I keep talking to Him, I keep trying to listen to what he is saying, I feel so lost... so not who I am, almost like Ive lost myself. I guess Im just seriously overwhelmed....

time for prayer... God truly is good.

so hello to all who read this... its late, and although i left nantinas house early to go to bed early i guess i never actually got to the "bed" part of it all. just the "lets check my email" part, which turned into two hours of doing things i cant even remember online. o well... at least i didnt waste my time with gold miner like i always do (reminds me of cam)

so once again... i got a sore tummy, yes i know, its my fault and yes i know i am complaining... but if you dont like it, stop reading! :P i tried my "rice bread pizza crust" its wheat and gluten free, but frankly i guess thats just not enough for my silly stupid digestion system. o well.... life goes on and here i go taking another two of my pills.
BA! i just wish that i was normal already... or at least physically normal.
other then the one cheat I had with a little icecream and one cookie, everything seems to be okay... that cheat though did cost me big time with a sore tummy for a couple of days. sooo not even worth it. especially when i can go and buy brown rice icecream and cookies, which reminds me to pick some up tomorrow! :) yummies!

so other then the whole complain of health issues, life is pretty much normal.
and since its getting closer to 1am im going to cut this really short... Good Night! Sleep Tight! :)

GOD BLESS!

okay, so this is me! (obviously) playing with the digital camera I got for my birthday.... dont I look great? hahaha!! Dont you worry, all my kisses are saved up for Cam!

so ive been complaining over and over again i know... and i apologize.
having the food restrictions that i have, i guess i have a right to complain... but truly, i am happy! really! i am. Im losing weight again, so that makes me excited... it melts away, i dont even notice it until my mom tells me, hahaha.... so yay! for that. at least there is something great about this... i actually suntanned in a bikini the other day, got darker, but ive never done that before.... im happy to do it again! hahaha... i burnt my tummy a little bit.

things are great right now.. God broke me down on sunday, he broke me to my core. i ended up crying, and praising, then falling asleep from all the emotion. i guess hes just showing me the truth of what ive been allowing myself to believe, all the lies in my life that i have listened to... thank goodness that God is so darn good! :)
Actually, I think I wanna go and talk to him again.... Goodnight!

its been a week...one week officially that ive been on this new IBS diet. everything has been a hit and miss when it comes to food and the affects with my digestive system i cant eat soy milk :'( which sucks cause I love it so much, i tried it and no luck and i found this delicious oat/flax cereal that i love, but again no luck, it hurts too much to eat.... ba!!! so frustrating
but yay to the new rice milk icecream that i found that is so far so good with my digestion! so yay!!! soo happy about that, and its delicious! :) so at least i have one of my favorite foods back, even though its not the real stuff.
its been hard though these past couple of days...
ive been getting cravings, and getting frustrated with everything... but thats going to happen, its just apart of life and apart of the process of dealing with it. Im getting used to all the powder drinks and the pills. they're fine. Things are going to get better... i can already tell! so a big YAY! :)
PRAISE GOD.. thank you so much Lord that you are healing me!!!!

okay.. so firstly PRAISE GOD! cause he totally did something incredible for me the other day... let me explain.
as you will, read the post previous to this... go on.... just read it... or at least the beginning of it.
did you read it?

if you did then you can come to this post with the understanding that i go through a lot daily when it comes to my health. that i have a digestive problem that causes frustration and overwhelming times of feeling as though giving up is the correct answer. in the post before i felt utterly hopeless... i felt like no one could ever understand and that there were no answers. i cried out to God over and over again for healing, for something, anything that would help. and once again PRAISE GOD! cause he brought me help! :)

a couple days ago i walked into Choices market. which is a huge organic food store. and thankfully they have a registered nutrionist working there that specializes in IBS and has it herself.
**can you see me smiling!**
when i first started talking to her, she could see that i was desperatly unaware of what is going on and what i need to do.
so.... right then started my health lesson. And right then i was pushing back the want to cry with joy that i have finally FINALLY found someone who understands and is telling me that whats going on is real and that she has answers. real answers, true answers and that I can HEAL! YES! :)

so this is the drill.... no wheat and dairy. NONE, nothing... not even a little bit... not even a smudge. none at all... for at LEAST six months, and even after six months, very very very little... so practically nothing for a whole year..
I am now taking eight pills each morning along with a fibre drink, another intestinal cleanser drink in the afternoon and two pills right before I go to bed.
I am only allowed approx. 1 cup of brown rice a day (the only carb im allowed other then veggies and fruit)
and no red meat.

yep! its going to be hard. as you can plainly see. BUT she said that if I chose not to do this, if i just decide that its too hard... then there will be horrible consequences, she asked what was happening sympton wise and she was really shocked that I had done nothing until now. She said "YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.. SUCK IT UP AND DO IT... YOU HAVE TO!"
that did it for me... she said that if I dont do it, then my colon will shut down in a couple of years, meaning colitis, meaning not having the health to have kids, meaning horrible things down the road... this scared me, scared me soooo much!
its enough to make me suck it up and deal with the fact that this is real, a lot more real then I realized.

so.... no more "cheat days" for me, they no longer exist.
but when I look on the bright side, true health and healing is right around the corner! I will never be completely without it, I will always have IBS and there will always be the chance of it getting really bad again if I let it... but I finally have the brains and GODS strength to get me on the road to no more pain. and... well.... maybe I lose another 30 or so pounds! hahah.. :)

thank you all who have prayed for me and who have cared! thanks soo much! :)

so lately ive been feeling so bad, gross, nauxious, bloated, painfully aware of my IBS probelms and my lack of stopping them. honestly i dont want to eat, i dont want to put food in my mouth, i wish to avoid eating all together actually... does anyone know of a pill i could take that could leave me without the need to eat?? and not make me sick?? cause if you do, im seriously interested.

i cant help but cry about it lately... i cant help but ask questions like.. why?????!!!!!! WHY?!?!?!? and why cant i pull myself together to get over it?
mom keeps teling me that im not alone with it, which is true.. im not. just the other day i met my second cousin Matthew Kroeker and his fiance, who has the same wheat problem as I do...and she just deals with it. thats what I need to do, just deal with it. Stop fighting it, just allow it to be apart of my life. to live it out.... to allow God to work through it for his good.
I dont beleive that God intended this to happen, I dont believe that its from him, that he wants me to be in this much pain daily and to abuse myself in this way... I realize that i cant do anything without him... nothing wthout him... i am nothing without him...
I keep hearing him say "you werent intended on doing this alone... so stop trying to!... let me in!"

I came across a verse last night while i was doing my devotions in James. it says:

"Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you've sinned, you'll be forgiven- healed inside and out." James 5:15

I am going to take this verse as my "theme song" for my life... to be healed would be the most incredible experience, but i need to believe that it can be done... and that maybe its going to take a lot longer than i thought, or anticipated.... that God has a lesson in the midst of this whole ordeal... that he can take this and turn it into something amazing, if only i let him...
all of you out there that pray... please say a small prayer for me concerning this... i just feel so overwhelmed and frustrated, but its time to stop crying about it and step up to grasp ahold of what can be done... with Christ, of course! :)

WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!!!
David Brent Robert Neufeld... so here he is... the picture that Lauren sent me today... isnt he soooo adorable??? I think so!
So, CONGRATS! Once again Neufeld family on your new amazing blessing...
He is super cute :)

I PASSED MY "N" TEST THIS MORNING!! yay!! :D

I am soooo happy that its finally over and I have finally passed.... things are sooo good!! I now even have to remind myself over and over again that I did it! :) that I can finally drive without my mommy, now its just fighting with Jay and Mom for the car whenever I need it, obviously I will make it work... it'll be fine. Im just so glad!!

CONGRATULATIONS JON AND MELISSA NEUFELD!!!
their beautiful baby Boy was born last night... WELCOME TO THE WORLD... David Brent Robert Neufeld! :)
I am sooo happy for them! A child is always such an amazing blessing.

well... I got to see Cam on tuesday night at Stillwood and then he came home tuesday night for all day Wednesday and it was SO AWESOME! to see him again, it was such a great day! Now I have 8 days to wait to see him again, and I can do that, being without seeing him for 19 days was a lot... I can deal with waiting for 8. :)

THANK YOU FATHER GOD, FOR BEING WITH ME TODAY, FOR BEING WITH ME WHILE I WAS TAKING MY N TEST, FOR BEING WITH MELISSA AND JONATHAN WHEN DAVID WAS BORN LAST NIGHT, FOR BEING WITH CAM AND I WHEN WE GOT TO SPEND WEDNESDAY TOGETHER.... THANK YOU!
PLEASE BLESS AND PROTECT US THE REST OF TODAY AND TONIGHT! Amen.

so, ive just spent the last four hours or so making play dough for nantina and her sunday school classes, honestly.. it was a blast! i would mix, nantina would kneed the dough, and we colored it with koolaid, i havent smelt koolaid for years!!!!
so, i put my honest amount of work in of service for the little buggers that are going to be playing with my playdough for the next two months each sunday morning....
the sun was sooo nice today.. i went to the beach with some peoples for lunch (i NEED to stop spending my $$$ on food) but it was a lot of fun! the place was PACKED! surprise,surprise!!! ... and now my neck feels really weird, like not good weird, like hurting weird... but im "keeping an eye on it" like my mom always says... just in case something horrible starts happening...
well better get some sleep, even though brandon has someone over for the night and they might speak very loudly all nght! :(
God loves you! :)

so today... was kinda a bad day... i sat around contemplating whether or not Cam might possibly walk through my front door in a "surprise!" kinda way. no luck :'(
he hasnt told me when he will be home next.. he said he has a day off somewhere, sometime... but never said which day.. ah! seriously missing him, seriously a lot! and its seriously hurting...
makes me wanna cry.. saturdays are not going to be my fun days this summer... cause they will be days i know he has off yet wont know whether or not i'll get the chance to see him...
i know im sounding like a sap, but its been 17 days since ive seen him last.. and i dont like it :P

because of my vunerable "miss cam" thought process... ive come to other conclusions that have helped me feel really depressed today. dont you hate it when you allow something to make you sad and then the enemy or yourself feeds on that and other things start to come to your mind???
i bet you all know what I mean...
that happened to me today. i was sitting in my living room going "am i all alone?" are there friends out there i could call? nantina is always busy now with work... so i feel like i miss her all the time, dara is so far away, lauren is in england... my best friends just seem so far, and now cam is at camp.
BA! i feel as though all the sudden i have no friends... i have no relaitonships, they are all scattered all over the place. and im left alone in my house... sometimes i really REALLY hate this house and the tv.

then i asked myself, am I loving others enough? am I really being the christian friend that i could be? am I loving them with true Christ love? or am I just keeping myself hidden from it all.. and allowing myself to become this lazy, 21 yr old hermit girl that watches tv all the time and only works??
boy... i want to hang out with people more often, even though at most times i avoid it... why!? why am I avoiding it?

yesturday night was a good night... an email that i was nervous to read came, and came with such encouragement and love. something that i needed to hear was said, and Gods grace was once again very present among me. I am so thankful, so blessed, so overwhelmed with the love that surrounds me... PRAISE GOD! yes, praise God once again!
I now realise that fear is something that Im creating in myself... that its something that doesnt need to take hold of me, its nothing to grasp, and only something to push aside. to shout "you do not have a hold on me! for I belong to Christ!" I just wanna keep kicking it in the bum! hahah...
with that email came a quote
"dont tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is"
thats right....
tell the problems in my life that they dont stand a chance against my almighty God! a God that loves with such incredible and strong love.... you know, I know that before I wasnt allowing love in... not Gods love, not love from someone special, until yesturday i finally realised what I was doing, the fear I had was paralyzing me from accepting love into my heart. In fear that it will be discarded. I dont want to be that fearful again... i only want to grasp hold of what has been given! so.. even if life happens (and it will) things will come, pain will be inevitable, but joy and true happiness will also happen and i know that God will lead me through both the bad and the very very good! so... Yay! :)

hahaha... GOD YOU ARE SOOO GOOD! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!! :) Amen.

have you ever come across one of those "o my goodness... I cant believe I have that in my heart!" feelings?
like you just discovered that your completely emotional about one thing, and then you trace it back to your past and go "ooo yah, yep, there it is, thats why, Im emotional" or "ooo yah, yep there it is, thats why I dont get along too well with myself"
i had one of those moments last night at like 4:something am. kinda a bad time to have one of those, but hey! I love them, so i guess its okay. what i mean is i love it when God goes "o, here it is... now you have to deal with it" because it forces spiritual growth and maturity, and if you're desiring only to live "Christ driven" or "Driven by Christ" then those moments although very painful, become complete and amazing blessings.
but anyways...
my moment came of "ooo!" and here I am thinking about it... and finding a way to deal with it I guess. What God really opened my heart to, is the way I see myself. That I am not loving myself, I am not allowing myself to be loved.
I was listening to a Turningpoint sermon last night at like 1am.. and it was talking about whats in our heart reflects how we treat others in our relationships. I dont think that love for myself is in my heart, I think fear is when it comes to this whole "love" thing. I think the pain of my past and the scars it left behind are bringing me to come to conclusions that arent really there. I love how pastor Jeff said "do not listen to what your mind is trying to tell you" which is soooo true...
Kortney told me to be paitent... she even wrote it in my comments on my last blog as a reminder (thanks kort!) and shes right. Paitence has never been my strong point... but Im learning, and Im trying hard.

FATHER GOD, may you please judge me. Judge my thoughts, my additudes, my desires... take away my fear! cleanse me and purify me from every wrong and unpleasing thought. Please bring me a spirit of paitence, and may your will ultimaltely be done! My life is yours O God... Amen...

fear ... one of those four letter words that hold so much power against you.
i really dont like this word, yet its becoming a day to day struggle of mine... not fear of anything like a spider, or the dark, i guess fear of something that seems to be worse.
i dont want to get into many details, but those that pray... please just say a small word for me...

"perfect love drives out all fear" 1 John 4:18

Ok...so its official... i miss Cam. ALOT!
a lot a lot...
hahaha... yep i feel like the girlfriend that cant be away from her guy for more then a day, but its been two weeks! and i still dont even have a chance to see him until saturday, and there might not even be the possibility of that. so :P, yep thats right i stuck my tounge out at all those that think im sad! ha!
Kort how do you do it? i mean obviously your engaged so its different, but still...man alive! i totally admire you!
i keep checking my email like crazy... to even get an email from him at this point would make me smile eye to eye in absolute crazy happiness, geezzz guys.... i need to get out and distracted! hahha...

God is good... "all the time"... all the time... "God is good"
ok, that seriously brought me back to my youth group days (not like Im not re-living those days now, only im now the leader!) but anyways... random moment, but sooo true!
God has seriously been amazing, not like he ever stops being amazing, but hes just seeming to be extra amazing lately. You know when you surrender so much and then it just all seems to come together?
thats what it feels is happening lately to me..,. that I just yelled out in open arms "I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!" and God said "well nicole you werent meant to try and take it and live it out alone anyways, of course you cant take it anymore, give it to me, im supposed to take care of it for you!"
so thats that!
all I want to be is more like Christ, all I want to do is live out what he has in store for me.. all i want to be is Godly. the Godly woman that I can be.

so I called CBC today! yes! Im in senior housing officially! YIPPEEE!! which means my own kitchen, which means NO ME BEING SICK! (yes!) soooooooo excited. you have noooo idea how excited i am. I love summer, but I love fall and school more, im just jumping around waiting for school.... i love my life, and im excited for hawaii, but school! yeesss! sooo much fun! :)

Gots to read, sleep, pray and be merry! God Bless! :)

so i continue to read my book...i continue to read the words that are truly touching my soul and making me realise the intense love that God has for me, the love that ive read about for years in the bible, the love ive been told about over and over again in sunday school and bible college, yet for some reason this book just puts it out there and brings me to relate to the author and her struggles, the same ones that i believe most women deal with everyday...
i am grasping what this love God has for me is truly all about.... its about romance, God loves me more than anyone else could ever love me! now thats intense! thats so hard for me to wrap my mind around... i mean why is it so hard for me at times to understand that i am loved, that someone can love all of me, including the bad and ugly, including the sins that happen... including it all.
i dont need to be fearful of love, i dont need to fear that love is something temporary, i believe that its not... God will love me with that intense love for the rest of my life, no matter what circumstances, no matter what!!! WOW! thats amazing! truly and incredibly amazing!

"Listen O daughter, consider and give ear; Forget your people and your fathers house. The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." Psalm 45: 10-11

"Enthralled by your beauty. That means captivated, smitten, fascinated, spellbound, and delighted. That's exactly how the prince feels about the princess in fairy tales. But this sentiment is not fiction. Enthralled is how God in heaven feels about you. He is taken with you. Undistracted. Intensely interested. Emotionally connected. He enjoys your laughter and takes pleasure inthe way you think. He is not bored with you, and he would never consider you ordinary. There is no way you will ever go unnoticed with God. You are beautiful to him. Incredibly, breathtakingly beautiful. When a man feels this way about a woman, we say that he is in love."
** Do you think Im beautiful? Angela Thomas

so i got a new book, and this book is incredible, i just finished the 1st chapter, and im already totally convicted of things, of life, myself and my way of thinking...actually something that was said in this book really touched my heart, really made me think and ask myself if that way is how i view my own life. i think it is, completely without knowing it...

"im realising that half my life has passed and ive spent most of it trying to deny the way God has made me. afraid of being strong for fear of being prideful. afraid not to please for fear of being rejected. afraid to ask the questions from my soul for fear they'd never find any answers. so afraid that one wrong step would ruin everything. afraid to say out loud what my heart longs for... afraid that longings are sin and God wouldnt understand. afraid that i am a woman that longs to be desired, longs to be rescued, longs to be called beautiful."
~do you think im beautiful? Angela Thomas

this book is already making me realise my fears of myself, even the fear of being beautiful and what that may take of me. trust me, i dont count myself as ugly, at least today i dont. but i have gone through so many times in my life where i felt like i could be something more beautiful than i was... that i was ugly, non-pretty. i went through the thick glasses stage, the lots of acne stage, the horrible clothes stage, the really fat stage (several times actually)... probably that last stage is the one I struggle with most. I know now that my glasses make a fashion statement, make me look older, smarter, something that I am proud of. my acne is gone thanks to medication, and I know now how to wear makeup properly to cover up that which I dont want seen. the clothes i wear are picked out with the greatest love for expressive thought and creative character... i love that i get to express who i am with what i wear. but i still feel as though i havent got pass the "really fat stage" I still feel as though every time i step on the scale i fall short... and i always cry and ask God "why couldnt you of make me just a little bit smaller? why do i go through all i do when it comes to what i am on the outside?" thats when i end up crying out "Father God, am I beautiful?" Am I skinny enough???

I really try hard to put out the front of being happy in my own skin... and i can list out many things about myself that i love, truly and with a full heart just loove about myself. I love my baby face, i love my eyes, i love my hair, i love my smile.... I love my feet, i love my height. I just have a hard time with my weight. i recently lost a lot of weight and I think I keep forgetting that it happened, i keep forgetting of who i was before and who i am now.... i feel so afraid of what the next step could mean, yet i want to get there so badly... why? cause then maybe my boyfriend will love me more? cause maybe i will look sexier in clothes? cause maybe i will love myself more? all these things are lies... I know where I am in my realtionsihp with Cam, i know that I look great in the clothes that i have, and i know that when i acheive what I want in weight my mind will find something else to bother me with... so why the fear? why are the lies bothering me so much? why allow it to overtake who I am?
these are questions that I truly hope to find answers for in this book with the help of the holy spirits guidence, i pray to find the strength to keep great health, to stop hurting myself, to understand my own reasons for doing what I am doing... to find a way to banish the fear althogether... the fear is a horrible grasp and lie, it doesnt belong in the person God created ME to be... it doesnt belong anywhere within me, therefore it GOES! far away because I refuse to listen anymore....

I know that I am beautiful.... i look in the mirror and it says it for me... God says it for me, Cam says it for me! I just need to grasp the truth of that statement for myself and in every single part of me...
so... here we go!

i feel really sad right now... i dont like me being sad, and when i was at the movies today i tried to retaliate with eating stuff that i shouldnt, no worries, i didnt get anything, although i honestly was really hungry, yet trying to seek comfort from food (a really horrible thing) is nothing i want to do anymore, God is my comfort
the movie i saw was the new pixar one cars, soooo good! I really loved it, such a fantastic movie, i liked it even better then the incredibles... very funny! very worth the $ to see it...

well.. im hopefully going to be cracking open that book that i want to read so badly that i bought a couple days ago! it should be good, its called "do you think im beautiful?" im excited to read it...im excited to learn from it...

i wish i worked today... to make money, to do something... get my mind off of someone...

i promised not to dwell, so i better go sleep, pray, talk and listen to what God has to say, cause i think ive been ignoring his call to be content and blessed... and because of that im sorry

so i honestly have no idea what to talk about... hmmm.... ive been opening up my bible a lot more lately. its been AMAZING! truly and really. its amazing how much God can completely change your reality. how he can just take your world and turn it upside down with amazing blessings...

there was something that i read in the bible.. i know only that its from james in the message translation, it goes something like this:

"God cares, cares enough right down to the last detail"

that made me cry...
that reality that God loves me sooooooooooooo much, and cares sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for my life that he wants every detail of my life to be exactly perfect, and exactly his.
YAY GOD!
haha... :)
it just makes me so happy.

Cam left yesturday for camp, 10 weeks until hes back home (i would know i have a count down on my calendar in my room) i dont even know if he reads this.. so if he is... i hope hes blushing! heehee...
reading my bible more, spending more time in the amazing presence of Christ, has brought me to the amazing reality of what a blessing Cam is in my life... its not like i didnt know before of the gift i possessed in my relationship with him, but now i can really see, i can really admire that God has given, blessed, overwhelmed me with a true gift.
(for all of you that dont know... Cam is my boyfriend)
so Cam... if you're reading... thanks so much for letting God bless me through you! and for being who you are to me.

so i had a really good day today... went to costco with my mommy and lil bro, bought a LOT of stuff (well, my mommy bought it all) lotsa good yummy stuff... like veggie juice, salmon and steaks! :P making me hungry...
i worked again today... i am so grateful cause my job is so much fun, i may not be making as much as i would like and i may not be working as much as i would like (i would love to work more) but my job is great, im really loving the whole helping people pick out clothes aspect of it all, so much fun! this job is a keeper, im going to hold onto it for as long as i can... even if i need to go down to 15 hrs, im still going to keep it! cause its easy, and so much fun!

i came across a really amazing verse this morning in my quiet time with God. it was in john chapter 15, talking about the vine and how when we allow Jesus to live in us and us in him, us as the branch will grow and be pruned to bear more fruit, and that we are called to bear fruit... i am not so sure which verse it was from, but the whole chapter really opened my eyes to such an amazing truth... it reminded me of who i am, where i am going and who i still have to become
i think that sometimes i get a little caught up in the person i want to be that i forget who i am right now... i forget that who i am today is important, and that yes i want to improve, yes i want to do more for the kingdom, i want to grow to become that woman God has intended for me to be, but he has also intended for me to be the woman i am today... RIGHT NOW!
and he expects me to take care of myself, he expects me to love myself, cause today, this day.. i am still his creation, i am already the woman he wants me to be, and he guides me and teaches me which makes me grow more and more i love the saying that goes

"God loves you for who you are, but loves you enough not to leave you like that"

something along those lines, i guess i feel that way right now, i was so worried and so asking God to make me into the woman i thought he has intended for me to be when i missed that i am already that woman..... that situations and things are going to create maturity and growth, but i am still me.... i cant change me.... cause i am already created, completely created just the way God intended.... so.... i need to embrace and realize this! yay!

I am beautiful... :)