have you ever come across one of those "o my goodness... I cant believe I have that in my heart!" feelings?
like you just discovered that your completely emotional about one thing, and then you trace it back to your past and go "ooo yah, yep, there it is, thats why, Im emotional" or "ooo yah, yep there it is, thats why I dont get along too well with myself"
i had one of those moments last night at like 4:something am. kinda a bad time to have one of those, but hey! I love them, so i guess its okay. what i mean is i love it when God goes "o, here it is... now you have to deal with it" because it forces spiritual growth and maturity, and if you're desiring only to live "Christ driven" or "Driven by Christ" then those moments although very painful, become complete and amazing blessings.
but anyways...
my moment came of "ooo!" and here I am thinking about it... and finding a way to deal with it I guess. What God really opened my heart to, is the way I see myself. That I am not loving myself, I am not allowing myself to be loved.
I was listening to a Turningpoint sermon last night at like 1am.. and it was talking about whats in our heart reflects how we treat others in our relationships. I dont think that love for myself is in my heart, I think fear is when it comes to this whole "love" thing. I think the pain of my past and the scars it left behind are bringing me to come to conclusions that arent really there. I love how pastor Jeff said "do not listen to what your mind is trying to tell you" which is soooo true...
Kortney told me to be paitent... she even wrote it in my comments on my last blog as a reminder (thanks kort!) and shes right. Paitence has never been my strong point... but Im learning, and Im trying hard.

FATHER GOD, may you please judge me. Judge my thoughts, my additudes, my desires... take away my fear! cleanse me and purify me from every wrong and unpleasing thought. Please bring me a spirit of paitence, and may your will ultimaltely be done! My life is yours O God... Amen...