so i got a new book, and this book is incredible, i just finished the 1st chapter, and im already totally convicted of things, of life, myself and my way of thinking...actually something that was said in this book really touched my heart, really made me think and ask myself if that way is how i view my own life. i think it is, completely without knowing it...

"im realising that half my life has passed and ive spent most of it trying to deny the way God has made me. afraid of being strong for fear of being prideful. afraid not to please for fear of being rejected. afraid to ask the questions from my soul for fear they'd never find any answers. so afraid that one wrong step would ruin everything. afraid to say out loud what my heart longs for... afraid that longings are sin and God wouldnt understand. afraid that i am a woman that longs to be desired, longs to be rescued, longs to be called beautiful."
~do you think im beautiful? Angela Thomas

this book is already making me realise my fears of myself, even the fear of being beautiful and what that may take of me. trust me, i dont count myself as ugly, at least today i dont. but i have gone through so many times in my life where i felt like i could be something more beautiful than i was... that i was ugly, non-pretty. i went through the thick glasses stage, the lots of acne stage, the horrible clothes stage, the really fat stage (several times actually)... probably that last stage is the one I struggle with most. I know now that my glasses make a fashion statement, make me look older, smarter, something that I am proud of. my acne is gone thanks to medication, and I know now how to wear makeup properly to cover up that which I dont want seen. the clothes i wear are picked out with the greatest love for expressive thought and creative character... i love that i get to express who i am with what i wear. but i still feel as though i havent got pass the "really fat stage" I still feel as though every time i step on the scale i fall short... and i always cry and ask God "why couldnt you of make me just a little bit smaller? why do i go through all i do when it comes to what i am on the outside?" thats when i end up crying out "Father God, am I beautiful?" Am I skinny enough???

I really try hard to put out the front of being happy in my own skin... and i can list out many things about myself that i love, truly and with a full heart just loove about myself. I love my baby face, i love my eyes, i love my hair, i love my smile.... I love my feet, i love my height. I just have a hard time with my weight. i recently lost a lot of weight and I think I keep forgetting that it happened, i keep forgetting of who i was before and who i am now.... i feel so afraid of what the next step could mean, yet i want to get there so badly... why? cause then maybe my boyfriend will love me more? cause maybe i will look sexier in clothes? cause maybe i will love myself more? all these things are lies... I know where I am in my realtionsihp with Cam, i know that I look great in the clothes that i have, and i know that when i acheive what I want in weight my mind will find something else to bother me with... so why the fear? why are the lies bothering me so much? why allow it to overtake who I am?
these are questions that I truly hope to find answers for in this book with the help of the holy spirits guidence, i pray to find the strength to keep great health, to stop hurting myself, to understand my own reasons for doing what I am doing... to find a way to banish the fear althogether... the fear is a horrible grasp and lie, it doesnt belong in the person God created ME to be... it doesnt belong anywhere within me, therefore it GOES! far away because I refuse to listen anymore....

I know that I am beautiful.... i look in the mirror and it says it for me... God says it for me, Cam says it for me! I just need to grasp the truth of that statement for myself and in every single part of me...
so... here we go!