damn you dairy!

I accidentally had dairy yesterday at dinner and this morning for breakfast and as a result, last night followed by all day today has sure been a challenge. My sweet boy is back to spitting up excessively (all over me and down my back, ew!) his smiles have gone and are now replaced once again with tears and screams. I didn't mean to "test the theory" but these past 17 hours have sure got me convinced that my boy has a very real dairy sensitivity.

I'm exhausted, running on four hours of sleep is not fun. Even with two cups of coffee and help from my mom. So I sure hope that once this leaves his system then he'll sleep at night again. Just waiting on Cam to come home so I can nap, I'm not going to make it much longer.

So I guess I'll leave you with another picture of my very cute son with his new sun glasses from his Uncle Jason.


N.

Something new to blog about

Blogging has always been my way to journal my thoughts, emotions, life events and have them documented just for me. I never imagined my entries would be read by the many people that have contacted me to tell me so. Or the many people my mom frequently converses with who tell her they keep up with my life through my blog. I'm touched! I'm thrilled, SO much love and support has come through this blog and many friendships have begun or have been rekindled because of it. I'm very happy for that. It turns out that mothers everywhere have a common language and offer all sorts of support, I'm very excited to be apart of that club now! So thank you if you've been reading for a while now, I appreciate you! Honestly, I do.

And I promise I won't stop blogging about Edison and our journey together. Things are still going very well, I feel much more confident, more empowered as a mother and much less stressed. The experience we went through really helped me to recognize what my mommy instincts sound like and look like.

But now I have something else to blog about and I feel if I throw it out there into the world then I can't hide or give up on it. Cam approached me a couple weeks ago with the idea of eating wheat free, for himself! Now this is a man who only eats carbs some days and loves a cold beer always. I was SHOCKED! Even more so when he started a blog no-wheat-for-a-year and was actually serious about it. So we discussed it and both agree that going wheat free means establishing better health habits for us and our son. With Edison having come into our family we realize how essential it is that we start changing things now and this to us is a first step.

I've had digestion issues for ten years now and I'm positive that I'm gluten intolerant so staying away from wheat is only good for me and my health. And if my husband is going wheat free then how can I justify still eating it when out of the two of us I'm the one that needs to stay away from it the most?

So, of course I'll blog about it here and express my joy and frustrations along the way. I guess I'll have to adopt a whole new way of thinking in regards to what I eat. Especially since I'm still eating dairy free for Edison. I hope I'll drop some weight too along the way but that's not my focus.

So starting August 1st I'll be wheat & dairy free! Wish me luck and if you know of some great recipes send them my way. And check out Cams blog too, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.
N.

I've got a happy baby today!!!

I don't know what it is and maybe I'm going to jinx it by posting this but Edison has had such a fantastic day today! He hasn't even spat up yet like has earlier in the week, just one little one when he was lying down. He's only been drooling which is no big deal. I can handle drool! He's only been crying for boob and when he's tired for sleep or a diaper change, just the normal baby stuff. There hasn't been any screaming at all like before when he had a gas or reflux episode.

But the day and night are not over yet and thats when he was screaming the most so we might still be in for a rough night tonight. Fingers crossed that this very happy and smiley boy of mine sticks around.

Whats interesting though is the only thing I've changed in the last 24 hours is eliminating dairy from my diet. So maybe I'm onto something!!! Only time will tell for sure :)

N.

So, reflux it is

Edison & I patiently waiting for the doctor.


Well, we saw the doctor and it was confirmed that Edison has reflux. However, because he's healthy otherwise and gaining weight there's no reason to put him on medication. He is an excessive spitter but is still within the realm of normal. I mentioned his eating habits and he recommended on demand feeding and didn't seem very worried about a low milk supply. He mentioned that the weights Edison has had the last few times are great and not to be concerned about them. He said supplementing all the time isn't something I should do cause it'll take Edi away from my breast and then my milk will go lower.

So how do I feel about all this? Actually, relief because someone finally told me that everything is okay and what I've been doing is perfect for my baby. So I'll continue to feed on demand, I'll continue to keep Edi upright after feeds and burp him often. I'll start eating dairy and wheat free to see if that makes a difference in his behavior (plus it won't hurt me to get healthier) and I'll FINALLY stop stressing and stop worrying. Instead I'll continue to enjoy every moment with my boy, even if in those moments I'm covered in spit up.

Now to go catch up on some laundry!

N.

Getting to the bottom of it

This whole experience has proven to be overwhelming, Cam says it best when he describes it as surviving. I've been told my milk is low, then it's a dairy problem in my diet, a reflux issue in Edi, there's the need to supplement but then he doesn't take it. We did formula too ups for four days with horrible side affects, worse than the actual spit up problem we've been dealing with. It's been a whirlwind of this and that and the other. It's been hard to sift through the advice of the professionals and my friends, everyone trying to help us figure this out. Even my chiropractor said that Edison is one of the most complicated cases he's come across.

So what's going on? Edison spits up, A LOT! It's not projectile vomit but there have been mornings where he spits up while I'm changing him up to three-four times and I'm wiping him down trying to get him clean again. We had to bathe him every day last week cause he stunk so much like sour milk and had explosive soft peanut butter like poops that oozed everywhere (it was nasty!). He's been screaming too, like hysterical crying and won't latch to eat, won't take a bottle, he goes stiff as a board and puts his arm up by his ear and grabs it and pulls. When he gets to that point it's heart breaking and we just scoop him up to comfort him but it's almost like no matter what we do he isn't comforted. We've tried gripe water, ovol, warm baths (which he loves), bicycle legs and keeping him upright after he eats (which seems to be helping).

Edison also doesn't eat very well, he's a lazy eater and takes forever to take in just a couple ounces. We know he only eats about two ounces off me because we've taken him to the nurse who had weighed him before and after a feed. Even if he takes the top up bottle he'll take a good 15-20 minutes to eat it. And then he spits up every time afterwards so an hour or two after he eats he'll cry to eat again. I know that he needs 3-4 ounces right now at each feed but since he only eats about 2 ounces off me and sometimes takes his top ups and then spits up about 2-3 times afterwards I know he's definitely not eating enough. But is this ok?! His weight gain I think is getting closer to where it's supposed to be right now but what about later on when he's bigger?

I'm on meds to increase my milk and the fenugreek, I pump after he eats as much as I can and I'm trying to figure out how to comfort him without latching him. Because there are days when all he wants is to be latched onto me all day long. The lactation specialist said that being latched on me is obviously his comfort place and therefore him wanting to be there a lot may mean he's uncomfortable, that something's bothering him. And so his being latched so often suckling and lazy eating hasn't given my boobs the opportunity to empty so my brain isn't telling my breasts that Edi needs more milk so my supply is getting low. But Edison may be eating so little so often because of reflux, but then does he really have reflux or am I seeing things that aren't really there? Am I over reacting? Is this really a problem or am I making it out to be one? Am I remembering things right or seeing things that are not there because of my serious lack of sleep? I'm just so confused!

So what should I do? I'm seeing my doc for Edison today, the lactation consultant I saw said she'd call my doc to tell him about what she is concerned about after seeing us. I hope that if there is something going on then we get to the bottom of it. At first it was my milk production and then after pursuing that it's turned into a quest to see what's going on with Edison (if anything at all). I just want to enjoy this journey with my son and not miss a moment. I want to breastfeed SO BADLY for as long as possible. I want the moments of smiles and coos to increase while the spit ups, tears and gas bubbles decrease.

I hope things turn around soon,
N.

More milk

Check list of ways to increase milk production:

* pump for 5 minutes after as many feeds as you can right after baby finishes on each boob

CHECK!

* drink massive amounts of water throughout the day so you're peeing like you did when you were pregnant

CHECK!

* eat an additional 300-500 calories even though you were desperately hoping to drop your extra weight

CHECK!

* drink mothers milk tea, take fenugreek & that other medication prescribed that does some other things too that can make you feel funky

CHECK!

* eat papaya DAILY! mmmmm.... Papaya

CHECK!

* snuggle & cuddle baby skin to skin or their skin to your very low v-neck shirt

CHECK!

* Compressions! Compressions! & more breast compressions!

CHECK!

Oh and lastly...

* you know your milk is increasing when you finally feel that crazy stinging let down sensation after every feed & between feeds & during feeds! And although it HURTS, it's one of the best feelings because it means that milk is accumulating in the boobies :)

Also, believe you can accomplish all you put your mind to. Listen to your motherly instincts when they tell you something isn't right for you and your baby and trust in it. Do what works best for YOU, no matter what & search all of your options.

I'm not going back to the clinic in Vancouver, I didn't feel right about implementing what they said. So after seeing my post partum doula I feel confident in doing what I was doing before and seeing the lactation specialist I saw at public health for a second opinion. I'm just waiting on a call back for an appointment time.

Things are starting to look up. I am once again enjoying breast feeding my sweet boy!

N.


Edison's milk coma the other day, there's no way this would have happened if I kept myself strict on the ONLY ten minutes a side routine Vancouver clinic had me on. There was no time for bonding, for comfort or sleepy moments like this on that stupid regiment so we're back to what we want. I am going to someone else hopefully this week for their expert opinion & to weight Edi. I'm hoping his weight has caught back up again & this whole thing is behind us as long as I stick to the above milk supply tricks 😊.

I hate this!

I need to be real right now, I need to express exactly how I feel right at this moment so when I look back and read this I can see how far I've really come.

I HATE THIS! I hate that I have to take drugs to help me make milk. I hate that those drugs that are supposed to help me are making me dizzy & giving me a horrible headache instead. I hate that I soon will smell of maple syrup from a stupid herb I need to also take & drink a tea that tastes like grass clippings. I hate that I have to constantly pump and see just DROPS fall into the bottle each time. I hate that after only a timed ten minutes feed on each boob I have to hand my baby off to someone else or put him down in his cradle instead of watching him fall asleep satisfied. I HATE that I'm not enjoying this like I once was. I HATE that I'm feeling less bonded to Edison because he's not latched as much anymore. I HATE that it's feeling confining, more & more difficult & leaving me feel defeated & feeling like less of a mom. I hate that it hasn't gone like I desperately hoped it would, and I wish that I would have been more educated & informed at the beginning to help me be more successful on my own. I hate that I'm so afraid I'll never be able to make enough milk for Edison. I hate that the hemorrhage and my blood loss is part of what's to blame. I hate that all I want to do is cry over it & eat bowls of chocolate ice cream.

I just want a routine that will work and so I'm hiring a post partum doula who was highly recommended to me for help. She'll be my cheerleader in my home & help further identify the problem & how to set up my routine here at the house to be more successful. I need someone, I don't want to give up on this.

Because in the midst of hating so many aspects of this struggle, I love it too much to quit and I'm SO grateful for the encouragement being sent my way. So thank you to everyone who has shared with me their similar struggles to show me that I'm not the only one who has dealt with this. I very much appreciate hearing the words that I'm not failing, that I'm a good mother for keeping on, that it'll change & get easier. I hope you're right, with all my heart I hope you're right.

N.

Edison is two months old! & Vancouver clinic visit went very well :)

Age: My baby is two months old today! Wow! There have been so many changes in him.

Weight & height: Edi weighs in now at 11.6lbs, that's not a very good gain. Only gained 1.1lbs this month, less than he's supposed to. He's about 23.22 inches in length now too.

Clothing: because he hasn't been gaining much weight most 0-3 month onesies still fit! So we have a much larger selection of clothes than I thought we would at this point. All of his 3-6 month sizes & 6 month onesies are currently in his drawer too.

Likes: correction from last month, Edison enjoys being latched! But will only eat 6-8 minutes MAX each side and then fall asleep but will scream if taken off and not allowed to suckle. So my little man is a total boob guy.

He really likes sitting up alone to kick and look at stuff. He watches the tv because of the flashing pictures that keep his attention. We are borrowing a swing which he seems to enjoy more and more. He likes his soothie even more than last month and falls asleep with it every time. He's found his fist which he enjoys sucking while making the most adorable noises. He's the cutest little man :)

Dislikes: Edison still hates his car seat but only when it's in the car and he's alone in the back seat. If someone is with him in the back or his seat is out of the car then he's fine. He still dislikes a wet head in the bath but stopped screaming during diaper changes. He hates having to wait for milk and very much dislikes falling asleep alone.

Development: Edison has been cooing, he turns his head to noises or people that interest him, he is smiling a lot more and "talks". He is doing better at tummy time but still hates it, he does so much better with lifting his head when held.

Hows mom doing?: I am doing fabulous! I had my follow up glucose test which came back NEGATIVE! Wahoo! Which means NO diabetes, so happy! My hemoglobin is also back to normal which is apparently not all that common for it to go back to normal so quickly after so much blood loss.

My breast milk production hasn't been that great though but we're working hard on it. I went to the Vancouver breast feeding clinic which was a really great experience. The doctor I got was fantastic! She recognized the problem very quickly and was sweet yet firm with informing me about it and how to move forward. So basically what's happening is that Edison is just hanging out at the boob suckling but not eating, he's falling asleep really quickly which isn't telling my brain to make more milk. Therefore, my milk supply is low and not sufficient for my growing boy. He's getting only two ounces of milk from a feed (that's including both sides) when at his age he should be eating three to four ounces total. So he's only getting half of what he is supposed to. No wonder he's only gained one pound this month, poor guy.

Although his gain is small let me me make it very clear that Edison was never in any danger. We were going to the doctor for weekly weigh ins to monitor him. I would NEVER put my son in danger on purpose, and I was never starving him. I offered him boob constantly, he was getting food but just not enough. Hence why I was constantly breast feeding (every 1-2 hours) and could never go out anywhere.

SO, we have a new routine given by the doctor. He gets to eat on each side for ten minutes which is timed and then I pump each side immediately after he's done for five minutes and feed Edison the pumped milk. I need to give Edison two ounces at each feed for a top up (to get his feed to 3-4 ounces total, assuming he's still getting 2 ounces from me) so if I can't manage to pump two ounces (which I currently can't, hence why he's not getting enough food) then we give the rest of the top up as formula.

How am I feeling about all of this? I'm doing better accepting the fact that this is just a hiccup and NOT a defeat. The doc said the goal is to get my milk up and phase out the top ups. But because of the blood loss affecting my milk production so much I may never be able to keep up to Edison's needs. But I'm going to continue to do everything I can. Including the pumping, prescription meds, mothers milk tea and fenugreek pills. I'm just wishing so much that it wouldn't have to be this hard but then again this whole pregnancy and baby experience has been challenging and has made me stronger. I sure am learning a lot about myself and my body. I'm also committing to eating better to respect my body and it's sensitivities to help my body be the best milk producing machine!! So this means it's time I actually DO the gluten free diet and give my body the ability to heal and use its energy to make milk!

So hopefully come next month I'll be updating you with a picture of a plump Edison and news of my abundant milk supply :)
N.


Edison at one month & two months. What a difference in his face!

Going to Vancouver for help

I'm going to the breastfeeding clinic in Vancouver. It's official! This Thursday I get to see someone for help and get to the bottom of this. I'm THRILLED!!

Edison isn't in any immediate danger but he is gaining less than the daily recommended amount of weight. In the doctors office Thursday afternoon it became clear that if I don't change something soon then Edison won't develop or grow properly. We suspect it's my milk supply but I'm sure there's probably other factors too. So the doc put me on a feed & pump, feed & pump routine. And made it clear that if I go out and about out of the house all day and ignore the routine then I'm not putting my breastfeeding commitment first. If I don't put it first then my beautiful boy has no chance of getting what he needs to grow. So of course I'm doing what I need to do and will continue to do it with a smile on my face.


When Edison was born he was in the 50-75th percentile for weight but at his last weigh in he dropped on the chart to the 25-50th percentile. So because of this drop and lack of adequate weight gain the word formula was thrown around in the doctors office. Now don't get me wrong, if you chose to feed your children formula I have nothing against your choice. I respect your decision, there are many moms I love and respect who have fed their children formula. But for me I'm determined to breastfeed. I will exhaust all other options before I rely on formula. So off to the clinic I go.

I even have a prescription for a milk producing drug but will give the mothers milk tea, fennel tea and fenugreek a try first. I'm going to start smelling like maple syrup really soon, so if you aren't a fan of maple syrup you might want to stay away from me for a little while.

But you know what the best news was out of my appointment? My sugar numbers are fabulous and my hemoglobin is back to normal. My doctor was so excited and actually surprised by my hemoglobin. She was surprised because it normally takes 100 days for a persons hemoglobin to return to normal after losing the amount of blood I lost. And mine returned to normal in less than two months! YAY! So thank-you for your prayers for my recovery, God certainly listened and blessed me! And to all of you who brought over food and just loved me through it have been apart of making this quick recovery possible so THANK-YOU once again!! Having Edison has really shown me how loved I am and how many true friends I really do have.


It's been so fantastic! :)
N.

trying to love my post baby body

After I had my gorgeous boy I felt awful physically because of the birth but I knew that would pass. The soreness and pain had slowly disappeared. Now, here I am close to two months post baby and my body has healed fairly well. I've lost 31 of the 37 pounds I gained but have almost lost the great feeling that came along with succeeding in loosing that weight. I'm back to fighting the emotions and feelings that have never gone away. I really loved my baby belly but now it's gone. And now I'm left hating my body just like before and I just don't want to hate it anymore.

Ironically this truly has nothing to do with my stretch marks. They are there, they are dark, they are many, but they make me proud. It's the rest of me that is bothering me, the pudge, the rolls, the double chin. I feel once again like I felt when I had all around swelling in my pregnancy. Fat, bloated, ugly, not a great feeling, not a healthy outlook to have and not the way I want to be while I raise my son.

So how do I change? And I don't just mean my weight and shape. How do I change my outlook on myself? How do I start loving and respecting my body? I'm not too sure where to begin other than to seek help from God to change.

The way I live my life and treat myself I believe, is a direct reflection of what I believe in life and in God. Obviously I don't believe in much beauty. It's as though I'm mad at my body for letting me down. For being too sensitive, for not being like everyone else, for not letting me eat what I want. So I eat it anyways, I rebel against what my body is obviously telling me it needs. I go against how God created me and I hate myself for it because when I look in the mirror my body doesn't hide the truth of my struggle. I need to change something, it's not fair that I abuse myself. I would NEVER abuse Cam or Edison this way so why do it to myself?! Because its too hard? Eating right and moving my body would actually be the easy thing to do. Digging deep into the emotional wounds is the hard part, it's not going to be pretty.

But I'll do it for my son and in doing that I hope to do it for me too. I hope to come to the place of love for myself and for my body.
N.


Picking raspberries wearing Edison today, I love my Ergo baby.

Yesterday was HARD!

Yesterday was HARD! Yesterday I cried more than the past six weeks combined. Yesterday I doubted myself and my abilities, I had no joy or happiness. Yesterday I was falling apart and didn't recognize myself. Yesterday had me wondering if I could ever manage to do this again. Yesterday was a serious eye opener of how difficult this journey of motherhood can be. Yesterday SUCKED!

And you know what? I got through it!

But not without help. My mom rescued me once I couldn't handle the crying any longer and found me broken down in Edison's room. Cam immediately started swaying his crying son with a busted up thumb when he came home exhausted from work. My brother went out and picked me up whatever food I wanted so I didn't have to worry about dinner. And Kortney came over last minute, late at night, with a hug and tricks to share and helped me feel like I really am doing a good job. She reassured me that it is just hard sometimes and that sometimes nothing is wrong so there's nothing to fix. That sometimes Edison just needs to cry to communicate and that every time a day like yesterday happens, I WILL get through it.

So yesterday I went to bed with puffy eyes and was absolutely exhausted, but incredibly thankful. Grateful for my mom, for my husband, my brother and for amazing friends like Kortney. I kissed my son over and over again, praising God for him. And recognizing that I DO have the strength, that I AM a good mother. And that I absolutely will do this again and again because even in the midst of sucky days like yesterday, there are amazing moments like this morning when my son cooed and smiled at me. That's what I'm living for, Edison is worth it all.


N.

I'm Edison's mommy

Yesterday was a BAD day, I was so very weepy, sad and some what depressed. Edison has been crying since Saturday morning and it's felt very overwhelming. He's not colic, my boy is just going through a growth transition (thank goodness for the wonder weeks app) and he's having a hard time with it. But through this whole exhausting stage I'm learning something new about myself.

I need to decide what kind of mother I'm going to be. This past while I've felt like my motherly instincts, my ability to just "know" what to do has been clouded by so many other things. All the sudden, instead of listening to my son and taking my cues from him, I've concentrated on what everyone else and society thinks is best. I've sought only to understand the logistics of things and was obsessing about the thought of a schedule. I wasn't searching for what Edison was trying to say. No wonder we've both been miserable.

These days I've kept hearing that him sleeping on me is bad, his suckling on me is a habit I have to break him from. He has green poop so my milk supply could be high, but then it could be low. I should pump but when and how much? for how long? The list goes on and I feel stressed, overwhelmed, inadequate, and desperately afraid that we won't have that attachment relationship I've been longing for. All the sudden it feels like I'm doing it all wrong. All the sudden I'm questioning if Edison loves me.

Until last night when I realized that the only person I'm listening to from now on is my son and my own instincts. He knows what he needs and if I just shut out every other expectation of how I should mother and ONLY concentrate on what HE needs then our relationship will grow stronger. This is about Edison and I and I'm not going to cloud over that anymore. I'm not going to be overly worried or scared that I'm doing it wrong, because I'm not! Whatever we do will be right for us.

And if he needs to suckle, then he gets to. If he needs to be held then I'll hold him. These are decisions that I get to make with him. I'm throwing everything else out that makes me feel like this is some sort of process or achievement that I'm failing at. This is my relationship with my son and I want to be the mother that listens and makes choices WITH my son.

Being the mommy is still something I need to get used to. It's a role I'm still figuring out. But it's mine to explore, my relationship with Edison is mine to develop and I get to care for him and make choices and decisions that I believe is correct for our individual situation. That's intimidating but good, I need to believe in myself and build up my mommy confidence and trust my mommy instincts and Edison's ability to communicate with me.

So yes, I'm allowing him to fall asleep on me while nursing. He won't do it forever and one day things will change. But for today, for right now I'm his mom and I say it's okay because his little brain is changing and he needs it. And that's ok with me!

I'm doing a good job, I'm a good mom, Edison does love me. Now where's that chocolate bar and my hug? This mommy is crying again :)
N.

Got milk?

Apparently not I, which has been primarily the source of Edison's frustration. Poor guy. He's been sucking away to get milk without much success and here I was blaming other things. Although his alignment I'm sure was part of the problem, but that's fixed now.

Once again my traumatic labor, massive blood loss and low hemoglobin are to blame for my lack of milk. I had an idea that something was wrong. I never felt let down, my boobs were the same size, I was never engorged, and I hardly leaked at all, ever! I borrowed Kortney's pump just because I wanted to give it a try and in two days BANG. Big boobs, leakage, the stinging sensation of let down and a much happier baby.

So now I'm putting Edison on a feeding routine and time him ten minutes of true eating on EACH side minimum and then I pump both boobs. If he's obviously still fussy I offer him my pumped milk to see if he's got enough milk at the boob. We were a little concerned at the doctors today because he's stopped gaining weight so this should help him gain and help me make more milk.

Now I just need to invest in a really good pump of my own, any suggestions?!

This breast feeding thing has definitely been an experience. But I'm determined to be a breast feeding rock star for my boy, no matter what it takes!!
N.

labor reflections

Not too long ago a friend asked me if I regretted the decisions that I made during my labor with Edison. The question took me by surprise, I had never really thought about it at that time. I was still in awe of the little human in my arms. I didn't care how things happened in the end. But now the more I've thought about it, the more I realize that I do care about how my labor went.

Lets just be clear though that I am incredibly proud of myself regardless of how things happened. But I do however hope that if I have the opportunity to labor again then I'll actually get to accomplish the 100% natural birth I intended to have. It was true in my case that I needed to keep an open mind. It's hard when you truly have no clue what to expect in labor and birth. If you have a strong expectation of what you want to experience then you may walk away with some serious emotional pain. I can understand now how easily it could be to fall into a depression over the birth that was rather than the birth that was wanted.

In my experience, Edison's birth was a lot more medical than I had hoped for. I wasn't expecting to have to go on Oxytocin, I read everything about the stuff and knew it wasn't what I wanted. I tried EVERYTHING I could to prevent it. I even told the doc to give me time to think about it before I consented. But alas the benefits at the time outweighed the cons and like I expected one intervention lead to another and there I was getting an epidural. I knew the oxytocin meant stronger contractions, I knew my labor was going to still be a lot longer (10 more hours exactly), I knew I wouldn't have the strength to get through transition and push after hours on the bed with no tub time. I knew I was loosing my focus after 18 hours of solid, drug free, breathing through the most painful cramping hell I've ever experienced. So! I made the decision I didn't want to make and I allowed that decision to be okay. I allowed oxytocin and an epidural to be apart of my birth experience and I'm still glad that I did.

However, if I sit here and think long and hard about it, if I read birth stories of triumph through the natural birth experience, if I come across testimonies exclaiming how amazing the natural birthing emotional high really is then I might break down and cry. That was my intention, that was my prayer, that was my dream birth and it didn't happen for me. I've finally come to the point where I'm mourning that fact. I really didn't think I would have to because I really did enjoy my labor. Yet, just because I enjoyed it and have come to accept it doesn't mean I can't be a little disappointed with it too.

And when it comes to the next one, I'm not scared to have to make those decisions again if I have to. I'm excited to do it again, even if the result is exactly the same. I want to do it again BUT I'll be making decisions to hopefully change the experience far before it happens, far before pregnancy and far before I even conceive. If I can change my lifestyle now and be healthier now then maybe next time I won't have all those complications and natural birth could be in my reach. I want that experience so badly, I really do. I never realized now much until just recently. And I'm sure my doulas could help me get as close as possible to reaching that goal when the time comes.

So if the question is asked again, do I regret the decisions I made in labor? My answer would still be "no... but" I regret the lifestyle decisions I made before pregnancy that influenced my labor. If those decisions were the ones that were different and I had no diabetes, no swelling, no high blood pressure, less complications, then maybe it would have ended the way I intended it to. Who knows? I can't dwell on the what ifs.


I'm always going to remember my labor with Edison as one of the most incredible moments of my life. There may have been medical interventions but I'm still a rock star. My body is still remarkable and beautiful, and that doesn't change!

N.

fussy Edison... exhausted mommy

Is it gas? My milk? The fact that I'm eating dairy? Is it the purple crying stage? A growth spurt? His personality? The result of a rough and long delivery? What in the world has caused my gorgeous baby boy to cry bloody murder on a regular basis and be incredibly fussy? Did I just win the lottery and get "that baby" who isn't exactly colic but definitely isn't calm.

I'm SO confused how to move forward, do I cut dairy out completely (does what I eat even affect my milk), do I continue to give him gripe water (even though he frequently pukes it out)? What do I do? This mom thing never came with a manual and Edison is his own unique individual, so there really is no clear cut answer here.

So this is what Cam and I have decided to do; I'm taking him to my chiropractor. He's had one adjustment so far and I saw no difference until today. He was almost a completely different baby! I'm excited to see what Fridays adjustment will bring in improving his fussiness! I'm seriously hoping that today wasn't just a fluke.

I'm also currently trying to help Edison understand that my boobs are primarily for milk and eating. I have yet to feel the let down sensation on a daily basis, I can barely ever tell if I'm full of milk and I'm never engorged, like never!

So today I started timing Edison on each boob for 20 minutes a boob during the day feeds. When he falls asleep I've been trying to keep him up to eat and then take him off when the time is up and every time so far he's been a happy guy after a few minutes of crying. And if he starts crying again after a while for milk I've been latching him again for another round that I've timed. I'm doing this because everytime he's on the boob he'll eat for an average of five minutes and fall right asleep with my boob in his mouth and sleep like that for hours while suckling every once in a while. It's been exhausting and I'm not sure what's going on with my milk supply because of it. His poop has also gone completely green which I've learnt is because he's not getting the fatty part of my milk. It all worries me because I know that my milk supply is determined by how much he eats. So if he's not eating much then wouldn't my boobs be making very little?

So I want him to start eating more when latched. I know he can fall asleep other ways cause he's done it before and I do feed him on demand so he'll get milk still whenever he wants it. And I'm not worried about his suckling needs cause he has his soother which he frequently takes, the soothie!

I know that this might not be the way you may feel and I've had a lot of mommy friends say to do what works and don't sweat it. But this decision feels right, at least for now it does. So I'll continue to do it, the chiropractor and timed feedings. Now the question remains if dropping dairy will really make a difference and if what I eat really goes directly to my milk? I just don't know. I'll be asking my doctor for sure on Tuesday. I guess it doesn't hurt to try to see if cutting it out does make a difference. I know it's best for my own sensitive body to rid of it anyways.

I better sleep now, Edison is snoring away!

N.

Happy Father's Day Camy!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!! My husband Cameron has taken to fatherhood very well. We have an agreement that when he's home then he's on diaper duty cause I take care of everything else when he's at work. So Cam has become a diaper pro! He also is the one who does tummy time with Edison by putting Edi on his chest, Edison loves the challenge. I'm so excited for the day when Edison goes outside and digs around the garden with daddy and gets to go fishing too. There are many special moments ahead, I can't wait!

So happy Father's Day Cam!!! You're doing a great job! I'm falling deeper in love with you while watching you father our son :)

N.

Edison is 1 month old!

Age: My baby is one month old today! Where has the time gone? I can't believe that a month has already come and gone. It's been a real life adjustment but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Weight & height: Edi weighs in now at 10lbs 4oz, that's a gain of just under two pounds. Way to go bud! I haven't measured his height yet.

Clothing: he's still in his 0-3 month size clothes but barely fits some of the smaller ones. I'll have to start switching out some outfits soon and start thinking about what we need to get him in the 6 month size.

Likes: Edison loves his milk! It's probably because he's so little and I'm exclusively breastfeeding but he just cries to be latched so often. I've grown to be perfectly okay with it. I'm making milk for him and if he wants and/or needs it then he should get it!

He also likes his soothie, tummy time with Cam (done on Cams chest), being swaddled, being carried in his carriers, being held upright on our shoulder and looking around at everything when he's awake. And he liked his new bath tub... until I got his head wet.

Dislikes: Edison HATES being naked and cold. He dislikes getting his diaper changed, although he screams less when we use the homemade wipes I make. When he has gas he's not so happy and then hates lying on his back. He only likes his rocker chair for short moments throughout the day so I'd say that he most often dislikes it. He's not a big fan of being in the stroller or car seat. My boy loves being held and loves being cuddled.

Development: Edison has been smiling! It's SO precious and super cute. It's my favorite when he smiles as he nurses. He is so much more alert than he was even a week ago, looking around with his eyes wide open! I love watching him and he's making a lot more sounds. He stares at us when we look at him and it's as though he's trying harder to interact with us when we play with him. He's also sleeping now in his cradle a lot easier so I don't bring him into bed with me as early in the morning as I used to.

Hows mom doing?: I absolutely love my boy! I'm doing good, I'm slowly still getting my strength back. I'm still taking iron pills and doing more than I did before. I'm cutting out dairy now to help with Edison's gas pains but I'm doing it for me too. I also can't believe how quickly some of the baby weight has melted off, it's been a great blessing. I'm so proud of myself! I'm still a little weepy some days but that's okay. I'm very happy in my new role as "mommy".

I'm very excited to see what this next month will bring for us and our precious Edison.
N.

Why I'll never labor without a doula!

Lately I've been thinking how important it is that I stress to you how amazing it was for me to have a doula be apart of my pregnancy and labor experience. I just recently expressed to Cam how much I want both Heidi and Kortney to be my doulas for my next labor and delivery. Granted if they are available whenever that may be.

Now you might think, "why on earth would I need a doula?". And granted maybe you don't, but I'm sure thrilled that I had kortney throughout my pregnancy and Heidi in my delivery room and this is why:

If your pregnancy is your first and even if your a fanatic researcher (like me) you'll still have questions. You'll still have no real clue of what to expect. And to have someone there for you that's educated in all things pregnancy, birth and labor is incredibly helpful. When you're not sure that babe is kicking enough in one day or not sure if that stuff in your panties is your mucus plug or not sure if those pains are true contractions, a doula can help! Kortney was there for me through all of that. I could text or FB message her and in a very short time I'd get a response. Granted I've known her about ten years or so and we're friends, BUT no doctor or midwife will give you that kind of attention outside your scheduled appointment time. Trust me!

And if your pregnancy is your first then you absolutely have no clue what-so-ever what to expect during labor and delivery. However, a doula does! They know exactly how to help with pain management (& husband management), they'll know your birth plan and how to guide you to meet your goals in labor. They know what to look for in your body language that could indicate how your cervix is doing. They know A LOT more than you do with what's happening and how to help. They are there your whole labor and birth and are a huge support system for you and your hubby. Cam actually got to nap during my labor because I had Heidi. When the scary clot thing happened Heidi took care of us both to ensure we were okay. Heidi knew our wishes against the eye drops and asked the nurse to ask permission from me before administering them to Edison. Heidi took pictures of Edison's first moments, she was amazing and an essential part of Edison's birth story.

So I highly recommend that you seek out a doula and add her to your birth team! I know for certain that I'll never birth without one. They are worth every single penny you pay for their service. Just make sure that you connect with your doula and adore her (like I adore both of mine). Because this doula of yours will see you in one of your most vulnerable states at one of the most incredible moments of your life. And she will absolutely be seeing you naked! Because like all my mommy friends know, when your in labor, you're naked!

I should mention as well that the Community Birth Program out of the Jim Pattison outpatient care & surgery center provides doulas in their program. Which means that the doulas who work with them are free of charge to you! And honestly, I can't say enough good things about this birth program it's fantastic!!! I recommend them to all my friends who are pregnant or considering a pregnancy. I'll be going back to them for when Bubba #2 comes along, thats for sure.

Now lets just hope that Bubba #2 doesn't come along quite so soon shall we? This momma needs some time.
N.

And if you're wondering more about how my doulas helped me out then don't hesitate to ask me!! I'm more than willing to share :)

It's a boy!!

Back in December I remember writing a post I titled "What if..." and in it I expressed my thoughts and fears regarding Bubbas gender. At that time I was back and forth in my thinking that I was absolutely going to have a boy and for some reason that thought made me terrified that I'd never experience having a girl.

It's amazing what you think about throughout pregnancy and how your hormones can truly affect your emotions. Even now four weeks after delivering Edison I still have some very strong hormonal moments. Some of which I'd rather not share (pretty stupid what can make me cry these days) but others have everything to do with how much I love my son.

That being said, I'm not sad that my pregnancy resulted in a boy. I'm not grieving the fact that I have yet to realize if my life will produce a daughter. I'm actually over the moon happy and grateful for Edison and excited for the relationship I get to build with him. Some days it freaks me out that he'll get older and might not want me to be apart of his life. He may get married to a woman that prefers her family over ours. He may move far away for a job and never call me (oh the things I think about). Just recently I talked to my mom about some of these fears (she's an expert since she has two sons), and I realized that as long as I love Edison, respect Edison, allow Edison to be who he is and encourage him to make decisions for himself and then support those decisions. Then I have nothing to worry about because our relationship then will be built on a solid foundation.

I'll have to let go, even now I realize he belongs to God, he's a gift. He's not mine to control, not mine to hold onto forever, not mine to manipulate to do what I wish. He will become his own individual with wants, needs, ambitions, desires and it's my job to love, to let go, to respect, to support, to teach (gently), to be whatever he needs. And if I do those things, if I get it right, then there should be no fear for our future relationship. And no fear for any other future relationship with any other child I bear regardless of their gender.

Am I still afraid of never having a girl? Not today. But if you ask me again when I'm in the midst of my final pregnancy and it's my third boy, my answer may change slightly. My prayer now may be for me to have a daughter one day, but if I'm blessed with only sons then I am still blessed. To have two or three or four Edison's in my life would still be my greatest accomplishment and my greatest joy!

When Cam told me in the delivery room that "it's a boy!" I remember crying and saying "I just knew it". And I remember falling so deeply in love with him that all those moments of anxiety regarding his gender were lost and forgotten.

My son is exactly who I was supposed to birth and to me he's perfect!
N.

It's okay...

I need to keep reminding myself that the way I'm doing things here with Edison is OKAY! That it's okay for me to take my time venturing out in the world with my baby. That it's okay for me to spend majority of my days at home. That it's okay for people to come to me to visit. That it's okay for me to take my time and do what I feel is best. That it's okay to take it slow, just like what all the doctors and nurses have been telling me to do. I'm not being a bad mother or a sucky lazy person to go the pace I'm going. I don't need to be comparing my life with other women who do things differently. I don't need to feel guilty or think of myself as a failure.

Right now I'm feeding my son who wants to eat on a consistent basis. So much so that my boobs are always being sucked on. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and nervous still to tackle things alone without help from Cam. I'm still feeling dizzy at times and weak and I feel it's okay to lean on Cam right now. Although I think going on walks around my neighborhood would be a good thing to start doing by myself.

I've been independent and self sufficient so much of my life. I took a hit when my grandparents died but have gotten back to that place of secure independence. But now I feel scared that I'm slipping back into dependence on others to get myself out and moving again. I honestly feel nervous to do the mommy thing alone right now. That I'll somehow mess up, that he'll start crying and I won't know what to do and I'll be seen as a fraud. It feels as though the fear of it all has defeated me and kept me home. Yet, other factors such as exhaustion is a cause for my home time as well. It's hard to distinguish what is an excuse to hide the truth and what it is I'm actually experiencing. I don't believe that I'm walking the path of depression but I'm sure it looks differently for everyone. What's scary is that I'm not sure what it looks like to me.

Once again I need to keep in mind that "comparison is the killer of joy". And I'm experiencing so much joy with my little man! I'm holding onto his smiles, our quiet times when he eats, my precious time holding him when he sleeps. All of which will change much too soon. There is a lot of happiness here.

So maybe if you end up coming over instead of staying in we could go out for a little while? To the Starbucks maybe? And maybe you can encourage me when my baby cries by saying that I'm doing good. Because sometimes a new mother just needs a friend to help her take the first step and hold her through the fear that it's all going to be so very overwhelming. And I might need your help to remember that it's okay and this won't last forever.


N.