so yesturday i just about had enough... ENOUGH! with this whole painful experience whenever it comes to putting anything delicious into my mouth. honestly i dont know exactly what to do... other then surrender. and even that is a horribly hard thing to do, well not horrible, the horrible part is it being so darn hard! ahhhh...
sometimes i think im kidding myself, that im making up these reasons to be sick, that im just making up how bad it is that im exagerating just way too much. then like last night i eat a nice piece of bread and the pain floods in... i cant help but think at times that its useless, that there are so many things related to this whole "digestive problem" that its going to be impossible for me to peak any sort of normal health...

i went to the "nature doctor" the natropath (however you spell that) and he did whatever it is he did, and kept going back to my problem of digestion, finding things that are wrong.... i felt really hopeless how he kept saying "there is still something there" after already close to two months of seeing him... i sometimes feel like hes not doing anything, until today he gave me this "miracle water" im supposed to take three times a day and mentioned something about the way Im viewing myself and the "social masks" that im putting up are causing problems.... GREAT!! im just my own worst enemy.... im just the person to hurt myself, literally... ahhhhhh... **ripping out hair while screaming**

i guess my big question is... is it ever going to end? am i ever going to find true answers?

then the big thoughts come rolling in...the thoughts of hope, the reality that i have an amazing God, and that he truly loves me and really dislikes that this is happening to me. i dont believe that God made this happen to my body, i dont believe that he planned for my body to react the way it has to what it has been exposed to under the many circumstances throughout my life. he planned for my body to be perfect, and flawless, man alive how we messed that up at the beginning of time...hahha...
so what do i do? i trust... i ask for health, and i learn from the things that God has for me in the midst of it all... i take hold of who i am and what ive been presented with, i take it on with both hands and all my strength and allow it to shape me into the best woman i can be!
i think i need to change my view on it... i need to accept that its apart of me right now, that there is healing that needs to take place and a very strong will on my part to love every part of me, even the part that wants to "screw it all" but make that part understand that i cant... cause i care too much.

God is my healer... thank goodness for that reality! thank goodness for that truth!