trying to love my post baby body

After I had my gorgeous boy I felt awful physically because of the birth but I knew that would pass. The soreness and pain had slowly disappeared. Now, here I am close to two months post baby and my body has healed fairly well. I've lost 31 of the 37 pounds I gained but have almost lost the great feeling that came along with succeeding in loosing that weight. I'm back to fighting the emotions and feelings that have never gone away. I really loved my baby belly but now it's gone. And now I'm left hating my body just like before and I just don't want to hate it anymore.

Ironically this truly has nothing to do with my stretch marks. They are there, they are dark, they are many, but they make me proud. It's the rest of me that is bothering me, the pudge, the rolls, the double chin. I feel once again like I felt when I had all around swelling in my pregnancy. Fat, bloated, ugly, not a great feeling, not a healthy outlook to have and not the way I want to be while I raise my son.

So how do I change? And I don't just mean my weight and shape. How do I change my outlook on myself? How do I start loving and respecting my body? I'm not too sure where to begin other than to seek help from God to change.

The way I live my life and treat myself I believe, is a direct reflection of what I believe in life and in God. Obviously I don't believe in much beauty. It's as though I'm mad at my body for letting me down. For being too sensitive, for not being like everyone else, for not letting me eat what I want. So I eat it anyways, I rebel against what my body is obviously telling me it needs. I go against how God created me and I hate myself for it because when I look in the mirror my body doesn't hide the truth of my struggle. I need to change something, it's not fair that I abuse myself. I would NEVER abuse Cam or Edison this way so why do it to myself?! Because its too hard? Eating right and moving my body would actually be the easy thing to do. Digging deep into the emotional wounds is the hard part, it's not going to be pretty.

But I'll do it for my son and in doing that I hope to do it for me too. I hope to come to the place of love for myself and for my body.
N.


Picking raspberries wearing Edison today, I love my Ergo baby.

Yesterday was HARD!

Yesterday was HARD! Yesterday I cried more than the past six weeks combined. Yesterday I doubted myself and my abilities, I had no joy or happiness. Yesterday I was falling apart and didn't recognize myself. Yesterday had me wondering if I could ever manage to do this again. Yesterday was a serious eye opener of how difficult this journey of motherhood can be. Yesterday SUCKED!

And you know what? I got through it!

But not without help. My mom rescued me once I couldn't handle the crying any longer and found me broken down in Edison's room. Cam immediately started swaying his crying son with a busted up thumb when he came home exhausted from work. My brother went out and picked me up whatever food I wanted so I didn't have to worry about dinner. And Kortney came over last minute, late at night, with a hug and tricks to share and helped me feel like I really am doing a good job. She reassured me that it is just hard sometimes and that sometimes nothing is wrong so there's nothing to fix. That sometimes Edison just needs to cry to communicate and that every time a day like yesterday happens, I WILL get through it.

So yesterday I went to bed with puffy eyes and was absolutely exhausted, but incredibly thankful. Grateful for my mom, for my husband, my brother and for amazing friends like Kortney. I kissed my son over and over again, praising God for him. And recognizing that I DO have the strength, that I AM a good mother. And that I absolutely will do this again and again because even in the midst of sucky days like yesterday, there are amazing moments like this morning when my son cooed and smiled at me. That's what I'm living for, Edison is worth it all.


N.

I'm Edison's mommy

Yesterday was a BAD day, I was so very weepy, sad and some what depressed. Edison has been crying since Saturday morning and it's felt very overwhelming. He's not colic, my boy is just going through a growth transition (thank goodness for the wonder weeks app) and he's having a hard time with it. But through this whole exhausting stage I'm learning something new about myself.

I need to decide what kind of mother I'm going to be. This past while I've felt like my motherly instincts, my ability to just "know" what to do has been clouded by so many other things. All the sudden, instead of listening to my son and taking my cues from him, I've concentrated on what everyone else and society thinks is best. I've sought only to understand the logistics of things and was obsessing about the thought of a schedule. I wasn't searching for what Edison was trying to say. No wonder we've both been miserable.

These days I've kept hearing that him sleeping on me is bad, his suckling on me is a habit I have to break him from. He has green poop so my milk supply could be high, but then it could be low. I should pump but when and how much? for how long? The list goes on and I feel stressed, overwhelmed, inadequate, and desperately afraid that we won't have that attachment relationship I've been longing for. All the sudden it feels like I'm doing it all wrong. All the sudden I'm questioning if Edison loves me.

Until last night when I realized that the only person I'm listening to from now on is my son and my own instincts. He knows what he needs and if I just shut out every other expectation of how I should mother and ONLY concentrate on what HE needs then our relationship will grow stronger. This is about Edison and I and I'm not going to cloud over that anymore. I'm not going to be overly worried or scared that I'm doing it wrong, because I'm not! Whatever we do will be right for us.

And if he needs to suckle, then he gets to. If he needs to be held then I'll hold him. These are decisions that I get to make with him. I'm throwing everything else out that makes me feel like this is some sort of process or achievement that I'm failing at. This is my relationship with my son and I want to be the mother that listens and makes choices WITH my son.

Being the mommy is still something I need to get used to. It's a role I'm still figuring out. But it's mine to explore, my relationship with Edison is mine to develop and I get to care for him and make choices and decisions that I believe is correct for our individual situation. That's intimidating but good, I need to believe in myself and build up my mommy confidence and trust my mommy instincts and Edison's ability to communicate with me.

So yes, I'm allowing him to fall asleep on me while nursing. He won't do it forever and one day things will change. But for today, for right now I'm his mom and I say it's okay because his little brain is changing and he needs it. And that's ok with me!

I'm doing a good job, I'm a good mom, Edison does love me. Now where's that chocolate bar and my hug? This mommy is crying again :)
N.

Got milk?

Apparently not I, which has been primarily the source of Edison's frustration. Poor guy. He's been sucking away to get milk without much success and here I was blaming other things. Although his alignment I'm sure was part of the problem, but that's fixed now.

Once again my traumatic labor, massive blood loss and low hemoglobin are to blame for my lack of milk. I had an idea that something was wrong. I never felt let down, my boobs were the same size, I was never engorged, and I hardly leaked at all, ever! I borrowed Kortney's pump just because I wanted to give it a try and in two days BANG. Big boobs, leakage, the stinging sensation of let down and a much happier baby.

So now I'm putting Edison on a feeding routine and time him ten minutes of true eating on EACH side minimum and then I pump both boobs. If he's obviously still fussy I offer him my pumped milk to see if he's got enough milk at the boob. We were a little concerned at the doctors today because he's stopped gaining weight so this should help him gain and help me make more milk.

Now I just need to invest in a really good pump of my own, any suggestions?!

This breast feeding thing has definitely been an experience. But I'm determined to be a breast feeding rock star for my boy, no matter what it takes!!
N.

labor reflections

Not too long ago a friend asked me if I regretted the decisions that I made during my labor with Edison. The question took me by surprise, I had never really thought about it at that time. I was still in awe of the little human in my arms. I didn't care how things happened in the end. But now the more I've thought about it, the more I realize that I do care about how my labor went.

Lets just be clear though that I am incredibly proud of myself regardless of how things happened. But I do however hope that if I have the opportunity to labor again then I'll actually get to accomplish the 100% natural birth I intended to have. It was true in my case that I needed to keep an open mind. It's hard when you truly have no clue what to expect in labor and birth. If you have a strong expectation of what you want to experience then you may walk away with some serious emotional pain. I can understand now how easily it could be to fall into a depression over the birth that was rather than the birth that was wanted.

In my experience, Edison's birth was a lot more medical than I had hoped for. I wasn't expecting to have to go on Oxytocin, I read everything about the stuff and knew it wasn't what I wanted. I tried EVERYTHING I could to prevent it. I even told the doc to give me time to think about it before I consented. But alas the benefits at the time outweighed the cons and like I expected one intervention lead to another and there I was getting an epidural. I knew the oxytocin meant stronger contractions, I knew my labor was going to still be a lot longer (10 more hours exactly), I knew I wouldn't have the strength to get through transition and push after hours on the bed with no tub time. I knew I was loosing my focus after 18 hours of solid, drug free, breathing through the most painful cramping hell I've ever experienced. So! I made the decision I didn't want to make and I allowed that decision to be okay. I allowed oxytocin and an epidural to be apart of my birth experience and I'm still glad that I did.

However, if I sit here and think long and hard about it, if I read birth stories of triumph through the natural birth experience, if I come across testimonies exclaiming how amazing the natural birthing emotional high really is then I might break down and cry. That was my intention, that was my prayer, that was my dream birth and it didn't happen for me. I've finally come to the point where I'm mourning that fact. I really didn't think I would have to because I really did enjoy my labor. Yet, just because I enjoyed it and have come to accept it doesn't mean I can't be a little disappointed with it too.

And when it comes to the next one, I'm not scared to have to make those decisions again if I have to. I'm excited to do it again, even if the result is exactly the same. I want to do it again BUT I'll be making decisions to hopefully change the experience far before it happens, far before pregnancy and far before I even conceive. If I can change my lifestyle now and be healthier now then maybe next time I won't have all those complications and natural birth could be in my reach. I want that experience so badly, I really do. I never realized now much until just recently. And I'm sure my doulas could help me get as close as possible to reaching that goal when the time comes.

So if the question is asked again, do I regret the decisions I made in labor? My answer would still be "no... but" I regret the lifestyle decisions I made before pregnancy that influenced my labor. If those decisions were the ones that were different and I had no diabetes, no swelling, no high blood pressure, less complications, then maybe it would have ended the way I intended it to. Who knows? I can't dwell on the what ifs.


I'm always going to remember my labor with Edison as one of the most incredible moments of my life. There may have been medical interventions but I'm still a rock star. My body is still remarkable and beautiful, and that doesn't change!

N.

fussy Edison... exhausted mommy

Is it gas? My milk? The fact that I'm eating dairy? Is it the purple crying stage? A growth spurt? His personality? The result of a rough and long delivery? What in the world has caused my gorgeous baby boy to cry bloody murder on a regular basis and be incredibly fussy? Did I just win the lottery and get "that baby" who isn't exactly colic but definitely isn't calm.

I'm SO confused how to move forward, do I cut dairy out completely (does what I eat even affect my milk), do I continue to give him gripe water (even though he frequently pukes it out)? What do I do? This mom thing never came with a manual and Edison is his own unique individual, so there really is no clear cut answer here.

So this is what Cam and I have decided to do; I'm taking him to my chiropractor. He's had one adjustment so far and I saw no difference until today. He was almost a completely different baby! I'm excited to see what Fridays adjustment will bring in improving his fussiness! I'm seriously hoping that today wasn't just a fluke.

I'm also currently trying to help Edison understand that my boobs are primarily for milk and eating. I have yet to feel the let down sensation on a daily basis, I can barely ever tell if I'm full of milk and I'm never engorged, like never!

So today I started timing Edison on each boob for 20 minutes a boob during the day feeds. When he falls asleep I've been trying to keep him up to eat and then take him off when the time is up and every time so far he's been a happy guy after a few minutes of crying. And if he starts crying again after a while for milk I've been latching him again for another round that I've timed. I'm doing this because everytime he's on the boob he'll eat for an average of five minutes and fall right asleep with my boob in his mouth and sleep like that for hours while suckling every once in a while. It's been exhausting and I'm not sure what's going on with my milk supply because of it. His poop has also gone completely green which I've learnt is because he's not getting the fatty part of my milk. It all worries me because I know that my milk supply is determined by how much he eats. So if he's not eating much then wouldn't my boobs be making very little?

So I want him to start eating more when latched. I know he can fall asleep other ways cause he's done it before and I do feed him on demand so he'll get milk still whenever he wants it. And I'm not worried about his suckling needs cause he has his soother which he frequently takes, the soothie!

I know that this might not be the way you may feel and I've had a lot of mommy friends say to do what works and don't sweat it. But this decision feels right, at least for now it does. So I'll continue to do it, the chiropractor and timed feedings. Now the question remains if dropping dairy will really make a difference and if what I eat really goes directly to my milk? I just don't know. I'll be asking my doctor for sure on Tuesday. I guess it doesn't hurt to try to see if cutting it out does make a difference. I know it's best for my own sensitive body to rid of it anyways.

I better sleep now, Edison is snoring away!

N.

Happy Father's Day Camy!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!! My husband Cameron has taken to fatherhood very well. We have an agreement that when he's home then he's on diaper duty cause I take care of everything else when he's at work. So Cam has become a diaper pro! He also is the one who does tummy time with Edison by putting Edi on his chest, Edison loves the challenge. I'm so excited for the day when Edison goes outside and digs around the garden with daddy and gets to go fishing too. There are many special moments ahead, I can't wait!

So happy Father's Day Cam!!! You're doing a great job! I'm falling deeper in love with you while watching you father our son :)

N.

Edison is 1 month old!

Age: My baby is one month old today! Where has the time gone? I can't believe that a month has already come and gone. It's been a real life adjustment but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Weight & height: Edi weighs in now at 10lbs 4oz, that's a gain of just under two pounds. Way to go bud! I haven't measured his height yet.

Clothing: he's still in his 0-3 month size clothes but barely fits some of the smaller ones. I'll have to start switching out some outfits soon and start thinking about what we need to get him in the 6 month size.

Likes: Edison loves his milk! It's probably because he's so little and I'm exclusively breastfeeding but he just cries to be latched so often. I've grown to be perfectly okay with it. I'm making milk for him and if he wants and/or needs it then he should get it!

He also likes his soothie, tummy time with Cam (done on Cams chest), being swaddled, being carried in his carriers, being held upright on our shoulder and looking around at everything when he's awake. And he liked his new bath tub... until I got his head wet.

Dislikes: Edison HATES being naked and cold. He dislikes getting his diaper changed, although he screams less when we use the homemade wipes I make. When he has gas he's not so happy and then hates lying on his back. He only likes his rocker chair for short moments throughout the day so I'd say that he most often dislikes it. He's not a big fan of being in the stroller or car seat. My boy loves being held and loves being cuddled.

Development: Edison has been smiling! It's SO precious and super cute. It's my favorite when he smiles as he nurses. He is so much more alert than he was even a week ago, looking around with his eyes wide open! I love watching him and he's making a lot more sounds. He stares at us when we look at him and it's as though he's trying harder to interact with us when we play with him. He's also sleeping now in his cradle a lot easier so I don't bring him into bed with me as early in the morning as I used to.

Hows mom doing?: I absolutely love my boy! I'm doing good, I'm slowly still getting my strength back. I'm still taking iron pills and doing more than I did before. I'm cutting out dairy now to help with Edison's gas pains but I'm doing it for me too. I also can't believe how quickly some of the baby weight has melted off, it's been a great blessing. I'm so proud of myself! I'm still a little weepy some days but that's okay. I'm very happy in my new role as "mommy".

I'm very excited to see what this next month will bring for us and our precious Edison.
N.

Why I'll never labor without a doula!

Lately I've been thinking how important it is that I stress to you how amazing it was for me to have a doula be apart of my pregnancy and labor experience. I just recently expressed to Cam how much I want both Heidi and Kortney to be my doulas for my next labor and delivery. Granted if they are available whenever that may be.

Now you might think, "why on earth would I need a doula?". And granted maybe you don't, but I'm sure thrilled that I had kortney throughout my pregnancy and Heidi in my delivery room and this is why:

If your pregnancy is your first and even if your a fanatic researcher (like me) you'll still have questions. You'll still have no real clue of what to expect. And to have someone there for you that's educated in all things pregnancy, birth and labor is incredibly helpful. When you're not sure that babe is kicking enough in one day or not sure if that stuff in your panties is your mucus plug or not sure if those pains are true contractions, a doula can help! Kortney was there for me through all of that. I could text or FB message her and in a very short time I'd get a response. Granted I've known her about ten years or so and we're friends, BUT no doctor or midwife will give you that kind of attention outside your scheduled appointment time. Trust me!

And if your pregnancy is your first then you absolutely have no clue what-so-ever what to expect during labor and delivery. However, a doula does! They know exactly how to help with pain management (& husband management), they'll know your birth plan and how to guide you to meet your goals in labor. They know what to look for in your body language that could indicate how your cervix is doing. They know A LOT more than you do with what's happening and how to help. They are there your whole labor and birth and are a huge support system for you and your hubby. Cam actually got to nap during my labor because I had Heidi. When the scary clot thing happened Heidi took care of us both to ensure we were okay. Heidi knew our wishes against the eye drops and asked the nurse to ask permission from me before administering them to Edison. Heidi took pictures of Edison's first moments, she was amazing and an essential part of Edison's birth story.

So I highly recommend that you seek out a doula and add her to your birth team! I know for certain that I'll never birth without one. They are worth every single penny you pay for their service. Just make sure that you connect with your doula and adore her (like I adore both of mine). Because this doula of yours will see you in one of your most vulnerable states at one of the most incredible moments of your life. And she will absolutely be seeing you naked! Because like all my mommy friends know, when your in labor, you're naked!

I should mention as well that the Community Birth Program out of the Jim Pattison outpatient care & surgery center provides doulas in their program. Which means that the doulas who work with them are free of charge to you! And honestly, I can't say enough good things about this birth program it's fantastic!!! I recommend them to all my friends who are pregnant or considering a pregnancy. I'll be going back to them for when Bubba #2 comes along, thats for sure.

Now lets just hope that Bubba #2 doesn't come along quite so soon shall we? This momma needs some time.
N.

And if you're wondering more about how my doulas helped me out then don't hesitate to ask me!! I'm more than willing to share :)

It's a boy!!

Back in December I remember writing a post I titled "What if..." and in it I expressed my thoughts and fears regarding Bubbas gender. At that time I was back and forth in my thinking that I was absolutely going to have a boy and for some reason that thought made me terrified that I'd never experience having a girl.

It's amazing what you think about throughout pregnancy and how your hormones can truly affect your emotions. Even now four weeks after delivering Edison I still have some very strong hormonal moments. Some of which I'd rather not share (pretty stupid what can make me cry these days) but others have everything to do with how much I love my son.

That being said, I'm not sad that my pregnancy resulted in a boy. I'm not grieving the fact that I have yet to realize if my life will produce a daughter. I'm actually over the moon happy and grateful for Edison and excited for the relationship I get to build with him. Some days it freaks me out that he'll get older and might not want me to be apart of his life. He may get married to a woman that prefers her family over ours. He may move far away for a job and never call me (oh the things I think about). Just recently I talked to my mom about some of these fears (she's an expert since she has two sons), and I realized that as long as I love Edison, respect Edison, allow Edison to be who he is and encourage him to make decisions for himself and then support those decisions. Then I have nothing to worry about because our relationship then will be built on a solid foundation.

I'll have to let go, even now I realize he belongs to God, he's a gift. He's not mine to control, not mine to hold onto forever, not mine to manipulate to do what I wish. He will become his own individual with wants, needs, ambitions, desires and it's my job to love, to let go, to respect, to support, to teach (gently), to be whatever he needs. And if I do those things, if I get it right, then there should be no fear for our future relationship. And no fear for any other future relationship with any other child I bear regardless of their gender.

Am I still afraid of never having a girl? Not today. But if you ask me again when I'm in the midst of my final pregnancy and it's my third boy, my answer may change slightly. My prayer now may be for me to have a daughter one day, but if I'm blessed with only sons then I am still blessed. To have two or three or four Edison's in my life would still be my greatest accomplishment and my greatest joy!

When Cam told me in the delivery room that "it's a boy!" I remember crying and saying "I just knew it". And I remember falling so deeply in love with him that all those moments of anxiety regarding his gender were lost and forgotten.

My son is exactly who I was supposed to birth and to me he's perfect!
N.

It's okay...

I need to keep reminding myself that the way I'm doing things here with Edison is OKAY! That it's okay for me to take my time venturing out in the world with my baby. That it's okay for me to spend majority of my days at home. That it's okay for people to come to me to visit. That it's okay for me to take my time and do what I feel is best. That it's okay to take it slow, just like what all the doctors and nurses have been telling me to do. I'm not being a bad mother or a sucky lazy person to go the pace I'm going. I don't need to be comparing my life with other women who do things differently. I don't need to feel guilty or think of myself as a failure.

Right now I'm feeding my son who wants to eat on a consistent basis. So much so that my boobs are always being sucked on. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and nervous still to tackle things alone without help from Cam. I'm still feeling dizzy at times and weak and I feel it's okay to lean on Cam right now. Although I think going on walks around my neighborhood would be a good thing to start doing by myself.

I've been independent and self sufficient so much of my life. I took a hit when my grandparents died but have gotten back to that place of secure independence. But now I feel scared that I'm slipping back into dependence on others to get myself out and moving again. I honestly feel nervous to do the mommy thing alone right now. That I'll somehow mess up, that he'll start crying and I won't know what to do and I'll be seen as a fraud. It feels as though the fear of it all has defeated me and kept me home. Yet, other factors such as exhaustion is a cause for my home time as well. It's hard to distinguish what is an excuse to hide the truth and what it is I'm actually experiencing. I don't believe that I'm walking the path of depression but I'm sure it looks differently for everyone. What's scary is that I'm not sure what it looks like to me.

Once again I need to keep in mind that "comparison is the killer of joy". And I'm experiencing so much joy with my little man! I'm holding onto his smiles, our quiet times when he eats, my precious time holding him when he sleeps. All of which will change much too soon. There is a lot of happiness here.

So maybe if you end up coming over instead of staying in we could go out for a little while? To the Starbucks maybe? And maybe you can encourage me when my baby cries by saying that I'm doing good. Because sometimes a new mother just needs a friend to help her take the first step and hold her through the fear that it's all going to be so very overwhelming. And I might need your help to remember that it's okay and this won't last forever.


N.

The days and weeks before Edison came I remember feeling inadequate. That I wouldn't know what to do, how to do it, how could I possibly be a mother? All the sudden it seemed so overwhelming and all consuming. So I distracted myself with the labor process, I meditated a lot of my anxieties away with prayer and by the time Edison made his appearance those feelings were gone. Now in it's place I'm overwhelmed with love for him.

On Mother's Day, when I was discharged I remember standing at the door to my room staring at the bed. Tears formed in my eyes as I flashed back to the moments of the day before as I birthed my son. In that room, #219 my life changed forever and the most incredible moments took place. I didn't feel ready to leave that behind.

Being a mother means more to me than I expected. I'm definitely still weepy, looking at my son I can easily start crying tears of joy! I think about the future, he will grow up. He'll start to look different, walk, talk, read, get into mischief. He'll eventually go to school, play sports (probably), drive, grow super tall and start dating. One day he'll make me a mother-in-law and maybe even a grandma! YIKES! But today... right now, my son is falling asleep as he breast feeds and I get to kiss his cheek and fall deeper in love with him.


This is going to go by quickly, and I really don't want to miss a moment of it.
N.

Breast feeding, it's hard!!

I was so naive, even after reading book after book I thought that I'd be perfectly capable of breast feeding right from the start, no problem! I mean, why wouldn't I be able to? I have boobs, he is a baby who needs my milk, stick baby on breast and done! Well, for some women it truly is that simple (& if that's you I don't need to hear it). But for others, like myself, it doesn't come so easy right from the start and we need to work at it. And it hurts, a lot! Both emotionally and physically. Which isn't exactly the greatest when your already hormonal and weepy.

Last week Cam and I saw a lactation specialist and if I have advice for any new mom struggling its this: DO NOT be ashamed to ask for help! It's much better for you emotionally to seek a pro and learn exactly what's wrong and how to fix it and what's normal and how to live with it. Because believe it or not breast feeding is HARD. I've been told that it doesn't stay this difficult forever but when your on day three and your milk is delayed (because of your traumatic delivery) and your newborn wants on your breast and is screaming and hasn't peed all day and your hysterical thinking that something is horribly wrong, you'll want to quit. But instead hold onto the truth like I have that "it gets easier". Because all the women who have told me that can't all be wrong at the exact same time.

Also, don't be ashamed if you find yourself doing what you thought you never would do. I think many if us have been there. Edison has slept in bed with me many times now. Co-sleeping was not something I was going to be flexible about, I did NOT want him in our bed. But when cluster feeding is apart of the equation and you're slowly loosing sleep then you'll bend your preconceived notions of how life with babe will be. And if you don't, then that's your path and I'm placing no judgement on you.

All I know for myself is that cluster feeding took me by HUGE surprise. When I was pregnant I had a few conversations with my doula about breast feeding but never physically saw anyone in "action". I never got to witness the ins and outs of everyday life with a tiny human and it's mother who breast fed. So how in the world was I supposed to really know what I was getting myself into? I didn't. I didn't understand that a newborn could want the breast so vigorously, wanting nothing more than to suckle for comfort. I've had Edison "feed" some days for up to five or six hours at a time with very few short breaks in between. So we introduced a soother which has saved my nipples but is not always effective in satisfying his need for boob.

So new moms out there, pregnant friends of mine (and there are many). BE WARNED! lol, breast feeding is beautiful and wonderful and I absolutely love the connection I have with my son because of it. But please educate yourself as much as you can before diving into it. Please take a class if you can to prepare, ask questions (I'll answer any questions) and be kind to yourself as you learn. Because there may come a night where you find yourself crying uncontrollable tears holding your baby who is screaming for milk you have yet to produce and you'll be exhausted and you'll feel defeated and you'll want to throw in the towel. But know instead that you'll be ok, babe will be ok and whatever decision you make will be the best for you. I decided to keep going and honestly, it has gotten easier. It wasn't easy right away, it's not even easy now. But it's getting better because I'm learning, I'm educating myself about boobs, milk and newborns and I'm making the conscious effort to not give up on something that is important to me.

Breast feeding is not all I thought it would be, it's harder than I expected but it's also more wonderful too! And that makes the hard parts easier, at least my couch is comfy :)
N.


And just because he's the biggest sweetie, another pic of my son to show off to you! He's changing already!

One week post delivery

It's weird not doing a belly update with all the new weekly experiences of my pregnancy. That's long gone now, my belly is deflated and in it's place I have a beautiful baby boy to love on. I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the whole world.
But since I want to keep this blog as an updated testimony to my new life as a mommy, I'll update it in a different way.

Edison is eating like CRAZY! Who knew about cluster feeds? Not I! I'm breast feeding exclusively which I love, but it's been rough. My milk didn't come in until day five because of my birth trauma, poor Edi was the one to suffer and I was an emotional wreck! So we went and saw a lactation specialist who was amazing and spent a whole hour with us. I was incredibly grateful to her for her time. She made me feel like everything is normal and okay. She reassured me that I'm doing great (YAY!). So my confidence in continuing has increased dramatically!

Edi has also got his days and nights mixed up which has caused us some loooong sleepless nights. Nothing we can't handle but we're working on switching that around.

He's the biggest cutie, super content, wide eyed and such a suckler. He'll stay on my boob all day if I let him (I don't). I love him to pieces and can't stop staring :)


As for me, see picture above! That's 41 weeks pregnant next to today, one week post baby. I decided to step on my scale this morning to see how much I've lost and where my staring point is for my weight loss goals. I was STUNNED! It said I LOST 31.1lbs! I don't even understand how that's possible, but the scale doesn't lie right?! I'm beyond thrilled, I've basically lost all the pregnancy weight in a week! And my belly although I didn't escape the mommy bulge and stretch marks, is a testament to my son and I'm grateful for it.

My recovery is going well, I'm taking it easy like doc ordered and I'm seeing my strength come back. We're slowly starting to have visitors over, family is first on Tuesday and then we're going from there. So please, if you're interested in visiting let me know (again if you have already) and we'll start talking dates!

I miss my mom & dad, they're away in Germany now looking after my great aunt Lina's estate (she died in April at the age of 109 1/2). They'll be back soon but they didn't get much time with Edi before they left and that makes me sad. But I'm sure the German chocolate they come home with will make me feel better!

Alright, bed time. Wish me luck that I actually get sleep tonight! :)
N.

Edison Lyle's birth story

Edi is happily in the arms of his daddy so I thought I'd take a second and write his birth story.

It all started on Wednesday May 8th when I had a meeting with the new doula who took me on last minute. I've known her (Heidi) for years so I felt perfectly comfortable having her be apart of my birth. Kortney had a trip scheduled to Disney land on Friday the 10th and would unfortunately miss Edison's delivery so Heidi was such a blessing!

Wednesday we tried at home, natural induction techniques to try and avoid the scheduled medical induction for Friday. We started at around 4pm and gave up that night at around 1am. It was disappointing to say the least. I felt a lot of cramping and movement but nothing took, Edi was as happy as could be inside me. We continued the natural induction all through Thursday, I walked for probably eight hours straight! I felt defeated and started doubting my body until 11am Friday morning!!! When the cramps switched to true contractions.

They got stronger and stronger throughout the morning and when the hospital called regarding my induction I informed them I was in labor hoping I didn't need to go in. Unfortunately though I still needed to go in to confirm my labor (by this time I was certain it was labor). It still felt like annoying menstural cramps which was the easiest part!

At around 3pm we were at the hospital and in triage, I was given a gown and laid happily in bed. Before I knew it I was being checked out and they confirmed I was indeed in labor but sadly only 1cm dilated. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor which was protocol and we discussed my coming back into triage after a few hours for penicillin because I was group B positive. I was experiencing stronger contractions at this time but then all the sudden there was a "pop" and a lot of water! My waters broke and I got Cam to get the doctor back, she confirmed and instead of heading home right then I was given an IV. the nurse who did my IV sucked! She put it in my left hand and went through the vein, it hurt SO bad! She then pulled it out and put it in the right hand instead and then hooked me to penicillin. After that dose I was sent home and told to come back for another at 8:45pm.
By this time my contractions picked up in intensity. I got home and immediately got in the tub, it was AMAZING! I was there for a solid two hours and time just flew.

I have no clue how I accomplished it but once the intensity started I put my mind into a state of relaxation. I was in my own world, I didn't talk, I had my eyes closed, my body still and just let go. I allowed my body to be consumed by the pain, breathed and moaned deeply through them. I may have looked peaceful (ask Cam & Heidi they said it didn't look like I was in any pain at all) but I was in crazy amounts of pain. I even sort of slept between my contractions, my years of horrible menstrual pain hell paid off in labor!
So I went back to the hospital for my second dose of penicillin we were dropped off and never expected to stay. When we got there the doctors changed shifts and I was with a different midwife. I was expecting to go home to labor because that's what I wanted and discussed with the other midwife but this new midwife wasn't having any of it. I was admitted and directed to my room (which was amazing!). I was in no state to argue so I followed. She explained that because I was group B positive, had my waters broken and not far along (remember, just 1 cm) I had to stay. I immediately got hooked to the penicillin and stripped for the tub. I spent about 8 hours in total in the tub which is crazy to me cause it felt like no time at all. I had to get out a couple times for checks and it seemed that I was staying at 6 cm for far too long.
The midwife was so annoying and constantly offered me drugs and talked oxytocin. It was hard to tune her out whenever she came in to talk to me. I did NOT want oxytocin or drugs but quickly realized that oxytocin was in my immediate future. I asked for time to think about it and talked it over with Heidi. All I knew was that oxytocin meant stronger contractions and more pain. I was already starting to loose control and focus so I knew that with oxytocin I'd be exhausted at transition and even worse when it came to push so the answer and compromise to me was an epidural if I agreed to oxytocin. When I got checked the next time I had stayed still at a 6 and so I agreed to oxytocin.

The OB was brought in my room and ordered oxytocin at 3:20am I heard them talking about it (they never really talked to me directly) and discussed that the oxytocin was to start before I got my epidural. So in my pain I spoke up, "I'm getting my epidural before you give me oxytocin!". The nurse who was incredible was the only one who listened to me and waited to administer the oxytocin until after my epidural was given. My epidural was delayed because the only one to administer it was in a surgery so I waited and so did my awesome nurse. Once the oxytocin was hooked up to me it was three hours after the OB ordered it and she was NOT happy about it. My nurse got in trouble and was asked to discuss what happened out in the hall. I felt horrible for her but loved her and what she did for me, she actually LISTENED to me! I made sure to thank her for giving me the epidural first. I wanted to hug her!

I knew that my favorite doctor and who I was seeing for prenatal care was next on shift. I was thrilled when she came into my room and took over my care. The epidural, although I thought I'd never want it, really made me happy and I actually enjoyed my labor experience. It was so great to be me again and enjoy what was happening around me. My oxytocin was consistently increasing because my body wasn't producing strong enough contractions. I was progressing but still really slowly. Edison was even napping in my womb during labor, several times actually!
Once the pressure started and I could feel contractions with the epidural I knew we were in business. I started pushing at around 12:50pm and gave it all I got. I had the nurse (they changed nurses and this new one was just as amazing as the night one) tell me how amazing I was doing. I had Cam count for me, my doula was helping with my feet, my mom was there watching, doctor delivering and nurse on my right coaching (from what I remember). I pushed and pushed and it was the crowning part that hurt like CRAZY! Yikes that was the worst part. But then in an instant my son was out and out on top of me. My mom saw that it was a boy right away but Cam was the one to actually tell me it was a boy. Just like I thought all along, I was 100% expecting a boy. We said right away that his name is Edison Lyle and my mom was crying and immediately said how beautiful the name was. Cam actually cut the cord even though he never intended to and I'm sure Cam saw far more than what he wanted to. I pushed on my left side with my right leg up on the bar and Cam was sitting next to me on my left so he had full view (poor guy).

Then all the scary stuff started that you can read in my previous post. But even though that happened, I'm still very happy with the way my son came into this world. I wanted to do my best, listen to my body, respect myself and my needs and make decisions that were right for me at the time. This was MY labor and MY sons birth. I understand that others have their opinions of how labor should go and I respect your opinions so please respect MY decisions and MY labor experience.

Will I do this again? Absolutely!!!!! Obviously not right away but definitely soon after Edison is one. It was such an empowering and amazing moment that I'll remember for the rest of my life.


I love my son more than I can express.
N.

I did it! but not without a scare (part of Edison's birth story)

The day I had my baby was the most magical day, I'm on cloud nine and so in love with my son. He's perfect, he's super cute, content, relaxed, happy! Just overall amazing!
My son, Edison Lyle


I promise I will write Edison's full birth story but for now I wanted to share a portion of it.

Moments after Edison was born I started bleeding, like A LOT! Actually, three times the amount of blood than the average woman is supposed to loose. It was a very scary situation, the doctors didn't know if my bleeding was coming from a tear or my uterus. So my doc who delivered Edi called in the OB and all the sudden all the nurses on the floor were in my room. The OB, Dr. Price (amazing man!) established that the bleeding was coming from my uterus and they proceeded to push hard on my stomach which HURT! I started to cry and panic (thanks to Heidi for bringing me back to calm) wondering what was happening. I thought Edi was in trouble cause he only whimpered out of the womb, I had no clue it was me they were worried about. All the sudden Dr. Price came to my side and calmly made it clear to me that I wasn't okay and either I suck like I've never sucked before on laughing gas right now or I get wheeled in ASAP for surgery. They had to stop the bleeding which meant aggressive pushes on my stomach which was unbelievably painful (apparently there was even blood on the stool in the room, blah!). So right then I grabbed the gas and sucked and they pushed and it was hell but they got the clots out! Literally PRAISE GOD!

I was on that table for what felt like forever (2 hours) after the birth and all I wanted was my baby, I had no clue I was walking the road of a possible blood transfusion.

After they got the clots, the scare was over and I was finally stitched up, cleaned up, hooked to more Oxytocin and got to hold my boy! My gorgeous, handsome stud of a man. Little did I know that my doctor was explaining the whole situation to my parents at this time out in the hall and then asked them not to tell me the severity of what had happened. They kept me over night and watched me like a hawk because if my morning blood work didn't come back good I'd need a blood transfusion for sure Mother's Day morning. Again praise God that the results were good and I was discharged to spend a great Mother's Day evening at home!

The reason I post this now is because my doc made it clear that my recovery will be much longer than the average woman's. It will take my body months to recover fully from the blood loss. I'm supposed to allow others to help me on a consistent basis and not be shy to ask for help. I need to sleep lots, take an iron supplement and drink tons of water. My body will NOT spring back from this quickly, it will be SLOW, so very slow.

So please, if you're wanting to meet my son I'm thrilled but you must be patient with me. Please don't stay over for extended amounts of time, please don't show up, please don't have expectations of me, please realize that I'm recovering and offer me some space (and food!!!).

But did I LOVE my labor and delivery? YES! I really did. No lie! I even told Cam that I'm absolutely doing it again! I think next time though I'll do without the blood clotting scary thing.

Going to nap now, Cams making me :)
N.

By the way, the nurses and doctors at surrey memorial are AMAZING!!!!!!!!

On the brink of induction

I realized that I completely forgot to update my 41 week photo, so here you go.


On the day I turned 41 weeks I had to go in for A LOT of appointments. Turns out that when you're apart of the CBP (community birth program) they let you go later in your pregnancy to try and labor naturally but only if you're a-ok! So after fetal monitoring, a visit with my doc involving my 4th internal exam, an ultrasound & some blood work I was free to go home.... and wait for labor or induction.

I'm quite thankful for the nurse we got at our fetal monitoring appointment. She was fabulous and went over the entire induction process that I would be experiencing if I made it to Friday (obviously I have). She made it sound far less terrifying than I expected it to be, she took her time answering all my questions and really made me feel like it was all going to be ok. So today as I await the call for my induction time I'm really not all that worried, disappointed in the fact that I need the boost, but not terrified anymore. I've been experiencing early labor since 7 am Thursday morning so a boost to get things going faster is actually welcomed and what I believe I need.

But Thursday sure was a test of my emotional and physical endurance. I am incredibly grateful that Kortney set us up with our new doula Heidi who I actually know from my Bethany Baptist days. Heidi is AWESOME! She's been such an answer to prayer. Around 7 am yesterday I woke up to contractions that hurt! I was SO happy but didn't say anything until I was sure they weren't going away so I paced the house for a solid hour and they stayed! We then walked basically all day trying to encourage them to be closer together and stronger but we lost that fight and around 7 pm they faded away and I was left emotionally and physically exhausted! I even had a moment of complete emotional breakdown in my driveway, crying harder than I have in a long time. Why hasn't this happened yet? What am I doing wrong? I don't know how to do this... I just want to hold my baby. Those were some of the hard emotional moments, it's true when they say its a labor of love.

Today my hope and prayer is that I'm encouraged through the pain knowing that this time there is an end in sight rather than another long day of longing. I WILL get to hold my child soon, I WILL be giving birth within the next 24-48 hours, I CAN & WILL succeed. What a journey this has been!

Lots of love, N.

I once again just needed to say THANK-YOU!!!!! For the on going amount of love that both Cam & I have been receiving from you! At times I'm overwhelmed to tears at how much love is pouring in from everywhere, all the messages & texts. We are so blessed! Beyond blessed so THANK-YOU!!! Bubba already has more love poured out on him/her than I ever expected, I can't wait to raise my child with this much support! :)

calming my mind, labor prep!

It truly is remarkable how the mind can control the body. I've experienced this before in my vulvodynia treatment, in my never ending years as an IBS sufferer and now as I await my baby being born. The mind is a force to be reckoned with and can absolutely control the body's functions, for the better or worse.

I previously stated in my earlier blog post how I stared at my ultrasound picture on Friday and bawled and then things started happening. Well, my doula in her infinite wisdom suggested I do an exercise where I sit and go through (visually) my entire labor and identify fears out loud and release them. Now, you might think that sounds goofy, or "new age", but if you've never sat with yourself and truly identified what's going on in your mind, then you're missing out on an incredible self discovery.

I highly encourage any woman who is going through pregnancy and is afraid of various aspects of the experience to sit down with herself and picture her baby, what her life will be like with her child and what she anticipates at her labor and birth. Whenever there is a point of hesitation or tears then talk out that fear and release it's power over you. I know for myself that it's done nothing but positive things. Take a look at my picture below.


Bubba dropped!!!!! Like seriously shoved itself into position and is now what my doctor calls "engaged". All due to calm, relaxed, meditation on Friday night, releasing fears and accepting what is to come.

Last night after an hour of visualization I immediately started having cramping like I've never felt before. It was a reassurance that my body and baby know what they're doing and my mind needs to follow suit and stop getting in the way. I woke up this morning and immediately repeated the process, more fears were identified and released and I feel more than ready! I'm confident that this baby will be born soon and I'm quite excited to witness my body doing exactly what it's been created to do. As I sit here and type my cramps are once again getting stronger, my mind is at peace with the process and my stomach is saying "Cheerios!" (Which is my cue to go and have my breakfast, excuse me).

So with hopeful anticipation I pray that tomorrow I will post about Bubba and not update my 41 week belly shot. BUT if you do get a belly shot, please know that I'll be meditating away any disappointment and will choose to trust that labor was meant for a different date.
N.

What I've been learning...

I've definitely been learning a lot through this whole labor process. And no... in all technical/medical terms I'm not "officially" in labor yet. BUT I argue that I'm on the outskirts of it happening. Like at any moment my belly could contract and BOOM labor! At least that's how I picture it happening.

What I've learned and what my wonderful doula has taught me, is that labor like a lot of things in life, is a process. Here I thought I'd be hit with contractions out of nowhere, suffer for 12+ hours, push, tear & out comes Bubba! I'm starting to understand that the body gives out SO many warning signs of impending labor that you start to wonder "is it now?" "Now?" "Now?" At least this has been my experience.

Yesterday I was hit with such aggressive movement and pressure I thought for sure Bubba was clawing his way out. One hour after a 1/2 off cream based Starbucks ribbon caramel crunch frapp (YUM!) and I was convinced that either my water was going to break or something was going to start happening. Jason (my brother) drove like a maniac back home and I proceeded to pace the house, press the pressure points and breathe in the most relaxed way I could. I felt stuff happening well past 10:30pm that night only to wake up this morning disappointed that I wasn't in full on active labor. But thrilled to see that Bubba absolutely dropped further in my pelvis! Things are happening, just slower than I thought they would.

But one thing that really stood out to me yesterday, was how anxious I really was to go through this process. So hours before my Starbucks frapp I sat on the floor in my living room and while staring at the ultrasound picture of Bubba I prayed, I bawled, I told myself that I could do it, I talked to Bubba, I pictured my child being born and I let go!! Now every moment that I catch myself thinking negatively, or feeling tension in my body I stop, I breathe deeply, I relax my body and I pray. That experience definitely changed how I now feel about motherhood and especially how I feel emotionally about this birthing process and physically its easier too.

This process truly is an emotional, spiritual and physical one that takes a lot of strength and endurance and I'm not even at the most difficult part yet. When the time does come and go, I'll be sure to come here and share more. I'll want to brag about how my beautiful baby came into the world.

But before that happens, THANK-YOU! To all of my incredible friends and family! For your texts, Facebook messages, phone calls, emails, etc... for your support and encouragement is incredibly appreciated and isn't going unnoticed!!!!!! We are SO blessed by you!

And we can't wait for each and every one of you to meet our precious Bubba!

N.

40 weeks pregnant!

How far along: 40 weeks pregnant! I MADE IT! 😃

Size of baby: pumpkin
(19 - 22 inches & 6 - 9 pounds)

Yah, there's no way this child is 6 lbs. That was proven by the ultrasound, I'm quite sure that Bub's will be around the 9 lb mark.

Weight gain/loss: DAMN YOU WET WEIGHT!!! still swollen, still have lots of water weighing me down. BUT, today I lost 3lbs! YES! SO happy! that puts me at a gain of around 30lbs with approximately 8-10 of it being water & another 8-9 of it being Bubba!

Maternity clothes: I'm wearing my new sports bras every day now. I love them! They're SO comfy & I just need comfy right now.

Movement: so much movement! Still lots of kicks in my rib cage, this baby must be loooong cause head is down but still not engaged & feet are in my lungs.

Sleep: I'm waking up a lot still but I've just got to get used to it. I'm still snoring but I'm sure that'll change once baby is out.

Cravings: chocolate ice cream with bananas! YUM! Oh and every type of fruit I can consume. AND salt/original chips. Don't worry, my sugar numbers are still good!

Symptoms: DAMN YOU WET WEIGHT!!!! Stupid swelling all over my stupid body & in my stupid feet which hurt & my stupid hands that can't make a fist. Oh, & stupid heartburn!
But I loooove my baby belly when it's not in the way 😊

Yep the above still sums it up! Although my spazzing legs are getting more annoying.

Best moment of the week: Cam & I had a fantastic meal at Ocean Park in Langley. It was fabulous! We also walked Campbell valley park on Saturday & crescent beach on Sunday. We didn't succeed in putting me into labor but we did have a really great weekend together just us!

So here we go! Come on Bubba, there are so many people who want to meet you. But most of all your daddy and I want to see you, hug you & kiss your chubby cheeks. The doctor today even touched your head 😊
please! please come out!
N.