My anxious mind

It's honestly been much more difficult for me this round to enjoy every aspect of this pregnancy. I'm very happy to be pregnant and the anticipation of this life coming into our family has been wonderful. But I've been anxiously scared along the way. 

Now with the worry of what sort of bug and/or infection is plaguing me at the moment. I'm once again terrified that baby bean is in trouble. I sit waiting and hoping that I'll feel movement to get some sort of mental relief. I pray and sit bringing myself back to a place of peace. It's exhausting to stop myself from thinking the worst.  

This is the aftermath of miscarriage. This is a mothers anxious mind after loss. I know that the possibility is there. I've felt just a taste of the heartbreak. It's hard to forget, to trust and give it over to the divine. But I'm trying. 

Only 23 weeks left to go. 

N. 

15 weeks pregnant!

How far along: 15 weeks! 

Size of baby: navel orange (11cm) 

Weight gain/loss: went to the doctor a week ago and found out that I haven't gained a pound so far. I'm definitely glad for that and hope I can keep it up. 

Maternity clothes: I'm in maternity clothes 100% of the time. I'm needing to get more shirts so I hope to get back to the mall soon. Plus a friend is letting me borrow her maternity stash. I need to get to her place to pick it up. 

Movement: not sure what I'm feeling lately.  Sometimes it's a pressure type sensation and sometimes not so much. I'm just waiting for definite flutters. I can't wait got the flutters. 

Sleep: I'm not sleeping very well because of all the coughing I've been doing. I've been sickly for over a week now and it's been really annoying. I'm not getting any better even with diffusing essential oils on a regular basis. I'm coughing up phlegm constantly but I can't get it out so it's hanging out in my lungs and I'm positive that's not good. 

Cravings: gummie candy! Please someone give me some sugary gummie candy, lol. 

Symptoms: heartburn is the worst! I'm chewing tums and taking Zantac every day. My face is looking AWFUL, thank goodness for makeup. My hips are just starting to hurt this weekend. 

Best moment of the week: When I saw my parents on Saturday and my Dad immediately rubbed my baby belly and talked directly to Bean. I loved that. 

Also, according to Edison 9 times out of ten he says he's having a sister! 

Another week gone, only 25 weeks left! Wow! This is going by fast. 

N. 

One year ago today...

One year ago today I was in my doctors office and sat nervously as I waited for my doctor to burst through the door with an enthusiastic "congratulations". Unfortunately; that did not happen. 

"So we think we're pregnant?" My heart sunk into my chest, I could feel it racing, blood flowing, everything in me wanting to collapse into a heap of tears. 

"Your pregnancy test came back negative," she said. "But don't panic. It might be too early to test." 

But I knew. I knew my dates, I have always been diligent in writing them down. I knew it wasn't too early. I knew my symptoms weren't as strong as they were weeks prior. I knew what this meant and I was devastated. 

I went for a blood test shortly after seeing her. She wanted to see my hormone levels and said she'd call that night with the results. I remember staring out the window while a friendly nurse took my blood. I remember feeling numb, as though that needle didn't exist. The drive home was quiet. My mom cooked us dinner that night and I waited for my phone to ring. 

Cam decided to take Edison out for a walk before bed and while they were gone it rang. I leaped for my phone and ran down the stairs to talk alone with my doctor. "I'm so so sorry Nicole, you are pregnant. But according to your blood results your pregnancy hormone levels are too low. I'm afraid your pregnancy has not made it past four weeks gestation. According to your dates you are over six weeks pregnant. Are you sure your dates are correct?" 

"Yes" 

"I'm so so sorry, but your pregnancy isn't viable. You should start bleeding soon." 

She stayed on the phone with me for about twenty minutes as I cried. She kept saying sorry. She told me that I didn't need to wait to try again but that if I did want to wait that was okay too. In that moment she was the exact person that I needed to tell me the information that I needed to hear. She was incredibly supportive, like a best friend would be. She was genuinely sad for me. I am forever grateful to her for that. 

I spent that night crying. I cried like I've never cried before. I told my baby that he/she could let go and that we would be okay. I didn't expect to get any sleep that night but all the tears somehow put me to sleep. A few hours later I woke up to pain and bleeding. That was it. My baby was gone.

I realize that to some my baby may not have been a baby at all. I never got to hold it, feel it move in my womb, see it on the ultrasound monitor. I don't have any evidence of it's existence other than the scar left on my heart. But my pregnancy was a pregnancy. My baby had every intention of becoming my second born child. I'll never understand why it had to be this way but I trust Gods goodness and believe in His faithfulness. 

I would never compare my loss to that of a full term pregnancy loss. But my loss is still a loss and has still left a very very real mark. I spent countless hours crying, countless moments praying and absolutely fell into depression because of it. I thank God, my husband and son everyday for their grace and mercy to help me see the beauty in my life again. 

One year ago today I lost something precious to me but today I'm blessed by my third pregnancy and the little one dancing healthfully in my womb. I may be scared to death most moments that I'll loose this one too but my trust is in my God. I'm so damn grateful for this life and my babies. 

N.

Pumpkins tree in it's new home in our new backyard. This tree is my healing tree and everytime I see it I'm reminded of my angel baby. 

13 weeks pregnant!

How far along: 13 weeks! 

(Picture taken at 12 weeks +4 days) 

SECOND TRIMESTER! Wahoooo. 

Size of baby: peach (7.6 cm long) 

Weight gain/loss: currently I do not care. I'm sure I've either gained a few pounds or I'm exactly the same as I was at the beginning. I was feeling so awful the first trimester that I ate anything and everything I could handle to help me feel just a little bit normal. 

Maternity clothes: I have a sorry excuse for a maternity wardrobe. I bought two pairs of maternity pants on the weekend but one is too big which means it'll probably be good for my third trimester. I got the pants for 50% off the sale price! $25/each. Such a great deal. And I bought a great jacket too! I've scoured the maternity stores but will keep looking for some great, light weight, comfy options. 

Movement: can you believe that I've been feeling rolling in my lower tummy since ten weeks? So crazy! No flutters yet and no obvious kicks but I'm definitely feeling something and I absolutely love it! 

Sleep: I'm not looking forward to the sleep deprivation that is to come. Especially since Edison finally started sleeping through the night back in March. Currently I'm waking often (about 2-4 times) to pee but we've got an ensuite now so it's not so bad.  

Cravings: so many cravings for sweets like sugar gummie candies & doughnuts. I'm not giving in all the time, just occasionally.  

Symptoms: heartburn is so so awful but I believe changing my diet can help that. The nausea this pregnancy has been HORRIBLE, so so horrible. My roseca is bad, flared and all. I'm huuuuge already, haha. I'm tired but I'm starting to get more energy back which is nice. This pregnancy is so different from Edison's so far. 

Best moment of the week: When we went to the ultrasound and saw baby bean (Edi came too). We were thrilled to learn that babe was a whole week older than expected. I got to skip entirely over week 11 and went straight to week 12 and now I'm just starting week 13. So excited, it's going fast! 

I'll try and post updates. I love having them for me to look back on but I'm also excited to share about baby beans progress. 

And just in case you were wondering... 

NO! We're not finding out gender. You'll have to wait along with us.

Blessings, 

N. 

Baby Bean is on it's way!

It's with much excitement that we announce that we're pregnant again! Due April 5th and are thrilled. This pregnancy has taken a lot of tears and time but also shown us patience, love, perseverance and faith. I am incredibly grateful. 

But it's with a cautious heart that I post our ultrasound picture. I'm fully aware this picture and announcement can be painful for some wonderful women I know experiencing the sting of infertility and frustration of a long wait for their positive pregnancy test. These women are on my heart and in my prayers. 

I can't help but remember just weeks before I got pregnant with bean, crying over a friends pregnancy announcement. I was thrilled for her but felt overwhelming grief that I should have my pumpkin (my lost May baby) in my arms. I'm not sure when that pain will go away but I remember the pain every so clearly and mourn with friends who have lost or who are struggling to concieve. This whole motherhood journey is a tough one. 

So to those woman on my FB, reading my blog posts. I'm sorry you're experiencing the grief of loss or the sting of infertility. I'm praying for you. I understand if you unfollow me, I understand if you just can't see me right now. I'm not offended. 

The reality for us this time is that it took us a miscarriage, 9 months of trying and many tears to get to this point. It wasn't easy to get pregnant this time. I believe it's happened at the right time but that didn't make the journey any less painful.

So with my joyful announcement I am grateful for the love, the congrats, the support, the prayers and ask that you pray for baby beans health. Because like I said to Cam last night, "I can try my hardest to disassociate myself from this life "just in case" but no matter what happens I'm this baby's mother. Now, today and for eternity and I'm madly in love." 

I'm beyond grateful, I fall to my knees in thankfulness because I believe it's only by Gods grace that I get to experience the joy of this life. My rainbow baby. 

N. 

Moving on...

I thought that moving this time would be no big deal. We've got a great place to look forward to, lots of space to grow and it's just us. No more "I'm still living in my parents home" with the explanations as to why. There are great blessings ahead. 

But this move has also got me all teared up. My baby boy came home from the hospital to this house. He had all his firsts here. First steps, first Christmas, first words. All documented within these walls and now we move on. It's sad. It brings me to tears but I know that's just the sentimental part of me not wanting to let go. But I will and I'll be joyful in the new space. I'm allowed to be sad and I'm allowed to feel sadness and cry and experience it. But only for a short while so I can live in the now and be excited for the new. 

So much change happening so quickly but that's quite alright. 

N. 

This day in May

Today is the day, the due date of the pregnancy I lost back in October. The due date of my second pregnancy and as brief as it was it it has made a lasting impact on my heart.

Today I want to celebrate. I want to smile, laugh, be joyful and anticipate the future with my son and my husband. I want to trust and be still in the knowledge that my future is being prepared for me.

As I reflect on the past nine months I realize I've accomplished a lot. I wanted the time that I would have been pregnant to have meant something. I wanted my loss to have rather been my motivation to move forward and not have been my excuse to crumble in a ball paralyzed in life.

If I was pregnant these last nine months I would have never completed my last two practicums. I would have never met the wonderful women I have worked with. I never would have met the children who captured my heart. I would have never had the transformation I've had in my philosophy of early childhood education. It has been such a blessing in my career to have had these experiences. I'm a better teacher because of them.

And It is through my last practicum that we found our new home. If I was pregnant and had not done my practicum we never would have found our new home. The home we've been waiting for, praying for and are beyond excited to move into. A blessing that has everything we've been longing for in a home. Including outside space for my boys.

So although my heart still hurts, especially when seeing the photos of brand new babies on my FB feed. I stop and remember my gratitude for last nine months. I say a prayer and believe that my time will come. Whether it be soon or months away, my opportunity to add another little to our family will come. I'm trusting that the timing will be exactly as it should be. But of course it doesn't fully take away the sting of the loss we experienced.

You my love, my pumpkin, my lost May baby. I will forever love you. I will forever carry you in my heart. I will always wonder who you would have been. I hope on this day you are dancing in the heavens, celebrating what could have been your birthday.

N.

May, please take your time coming

It's the end of April which means before I know it May will be here and along with it will come Edison's second birthday, Mother's Day and the end of my third and final practicum for my ECE certificate. It will be busy, joyful, stressful and a huge sigh of relief.

I'll be glad to be busy, distracted and frequently surrounded by family. Not only because of the events that will take place but because May 28th was supposed to be a day to be greatly anticipated. It was my due date for my second pregnancy and that loss is hurting all over again. I find myself crying, I catch myself breathing deeper and feel the weight of that date close to my heart. Grieving an early miscarriage is so hard and complicated. It's unfair and incredibly painful. It's confusing and causes me all sorts of anxiety. My heart aches. My mind spins. I can't help but wonder what could have been.

You my love... are my favourite what if.


N.

2014 reflections

I remember this date last year being really scared for what 2014 was going to bring Cam and I. We had just made the decision to put Cam into full time university so he could finish his diploma and graduate as soon as possible. We had no clue how we were going to successfully navigate the year financially. Now that I look back I'm amazed that we made it! With even a few funds left in our bank account. God is so so good!

This New Year's Day 2015, I'm not as scared as last year. We're going through another full year of Cam in school full time. But now I'm finishing my school too. We have a lot of hope that the end of this year will bring us both a lot of joy seeing our careers reach new levels of success. I'm so so excited to graduate with my certificate in June and even more thrilled to move onto starting my infant/toddler portion of my ECE diploma sometime in 2015. I have so many career goals now that I actually believe in myself once again and have the confidence to move forward. I'm excited for what God has in store for me as an ECE teacher and hopefully one day an ECE professor teaching future ECE educators. Dream big right?

But no matter how hard and stressful it felt in 2014, having my son grow up in the midst of it all has been the biggest delight. Last year Edison learned to pull himself up, crawl, talk (a little), walk and play. He started feeding himself, exploring foods and textures. He started making it even more apparent what he wanted at all times. He's kept up his love for boob milk with no end in sight. He's shot up to the 95% for length and 90% for weight. My baby turned into a "big boy" in 2014 and I couldn't be more proud.





But we also experienced unbelievable joy in 2014 mixed when we learned we were pregnant with number two in September. Unfortunately, that joy came crashing down to complete despair when I got the phone call that I was loosing our baby on October 1st. October was the most dreadful of all the months in 2014 but we pressed on with hope for our family. I'm moving forward and being proactive in taking steps to help my heart heal. I wanted, prayed, hoped and longed for that pregnancy. It has been a process to heal, trust and believe I'll get another chance. I'm making so many changes to better myself this New Year!

I anticipate and have faith that this New Year 2015 is going to be extraordinary. It's going to be so so good in so many wonderful ways.

So *cheers!* to a New Year and a new start. I wish you all many beautiful things this New Year.

N.

Damn you red face

I look at myself in the mirror these days and a bright red, bumpy, itchy face stares back at me. It's my rosacea gone bad, a symptom from my lost pregnancy that decided to stick around. It sucks! It's hard to accept when it's the only reminder I have, like a scar that won't go away.


I knew that with every pregnancy my rosacea would get worse. It happened with my mom, so I knew it would happen to me too. But I didn't expect the pregnancy to really bring it out would be the one I wouldn't get to keep. It hurts. Some days more than others but I remind myself of my blessings and emerge out of my sadness.

There will be good days ahead. I can feel them coming around the corner.

N.

Pregnancy & infant loss awareness day, October 15th

Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.


I've lit my candle and as I stare at it I wonder again and again if that pregnancy test was positive, if my symptoms were real, if it did in fact happen, if I truly lost a pregnancy.

It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions, guilt being one as I contemplate how I could be so sad as mothers carry full term and lose infants. How can my six week pregnancy loss compare to nine months and birth? How dare I cry devastating tears as other moms are thrown through the depths of absolute despair.

I feel like I should be all better by now. "It's not like it was a real baby" but the sadness is real and true and my baby was a baby in my minds eye. My pregnancy was full of joy, hope, plans, happiness, anticipation and a start of something new. But in a second it was taken away, lost, ripped out of my hands and heart.

Having children requires such a leap of faith. It requires so much trust in your body to do it's work to produce perfectly. But humanity isn't perfect. Our bodies can fail us and many times in a day I just wish I had childlike faith so my heart can take a rest from worrying if it's going to break again cause I don't want to know any deeper pain than this.

My prayers go out to all the mommies (& daddies) out there who have loved and lost. May peace find it's way into your heart and healing come upon you.

Thanks again for all the love and support.
N.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today was supposed to be the day we were planning to tell my grandparents, aunts & uncle the news that we were expecting. Edison was supposed to wear his big brother t-shirt and we were going to wait until they noticed what it said. Then we were all going to be happy and hug and talk about the future.

But today will be different.

I am grateful this Thanksgiving. I am so happy with my life and the people within it. I am blessed to have Cam and my son. I am blessed with an incredible family and amazing in-laws. I really am happy.

But I'm still dealing with sadness and feeling the roller coaster of emotion regarding my loss. It's been hard, it's been sad to think who that baby could have grown up to be and missing out on knowing that soul. My eyes randomly fill up with tears as I go on with my life. As I hold my son, and I think about what will be missing at the end of May 2015.

But this Thanksgiving I'm going to choose be thankful and happy. I'm holding onto the truth that life moves on and that everything is going to be okay.
N.

My second pregnancy

This past weekend has been really hard. We tried to keep busy with family outings but I think that just delayed the inevitable. I'm trying to mourn the loss of my pregnancy while experiencing every emotion possible. At the drop of a hat I cry, I bawl, I shake in despair at the thought of who that baby could have been. I long to know.

Was it a boy? A girl? What would we have named it? What would the birth have been like? Would he/she have looked like Edison?

I close my eyes and long for God to give me a vision of my lost baby. Please God, please show me who my beloved child would have been. Please wrap me in comfort and peace, please hold my unborn child in your heavens and whisper in their ear all about me, all about Cam & Edison. Please tell them how much they are loved by us. Please show them how much we care. Please Heavenly Father, please.

Most moments throughout the day I feel like I have forgotten that not long ago I was pregnant. And now I'm not. No big belly, no labour, no kicks, no more cravings, no more heart burn, the bloat has faded, the bleeding is gone, no evidence left of what could have been.

I know we'll start trying again soon and I hope I'll get pregnant quickly once again. But it'll never become the baby I lost. My second pregnancy, my six week old angel.

I'm sorry my beloved, I'm so sorry. I love you.
N.

Today I'm sad.

Today I'm sad, I'm crying, I'm heartbroken. A couple weeks ago Cam and I found out that we were expecting our second child. We were so surprised and so excited all rolled up into one huge emotion. We went out and bought Edison a big brother t-shirt, we announced the pregnancy to our families and I tried to plan my ECE practicums around the May due date. I was feeling nauseous, emotional and stupid. Things were good, our tough year of 2014 was going to end with the anticipation of a new family member in 2015. All was well.

But then yesterday when we went to the doctors office my pregnancy test came back negative. I sat in the doctors room stunned and immediately frightened for what that could mean. Dr. Katie said not to worry and sent me for a blood test.

Later she called to report that I was indeed pregnant but my pregnancy hormone levels were too low. There was a high chance that I'd lose the pregnancy and a small chance that it was just too early to test (I knew this wasn't true). I cried, the kind of crying you do that consumes everything in your body and soul. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I laid in bed last night and started praying, I told my tiny tiny baby that we'd be ok if it needed to go and that we loved him/her.

This morning really early I got really bad cramping and lost the pregnancy. My eyes are puffy from crying and my heart hurts but I'm ok. Everything I know will be okay.

I know that it's incredibly early on in a pregnancy to think that it was a baby. But to me and my family we believe life starts at conception. This baby was growing in my belly for six weeks. We were making plans, I was getting pregnancy symptoms, this baby was wanted, loved, anticipated. So yes, it's a loss of a baby and to us, it's a heartbreaking loss.

I know life will move on and there are lots of questions now as to what we'll do next. But today I just want to be sad, I just want to lay down and cry. I want to let the tears flow and know that it's ok to mourn my loss.

N.

Some things you just can't ignore

One thing after another it seems when dealing with children! At least it keeps me on my toes and life is never dull. But this new rash of his is definitely a doozy.

First came eczema, all over his arms and legs, some on his face and back. But now the culprit seems to be yeast. NOOO! Am I surprised? Nope, not in the least.

I've been running and hiding from my own health problems. Like a child throwing a tantrum, I just don't want to deal with it! I just don't want it to be true. I just don't want to eat such a restrictive diet. NO NO NO, I DONT WANNA! *humph*
But then my son started showing signs of autoimmune problems (eczema) and I was faced with it in a totally different way. But I still dug my heels in and resisted the changes because then I'd have to change too.
And once again, NO NO NO, I DONT WANT TO! you can't make me!

It's a horrible thing to admit that you're acting like a child and putting your own child through discomfort because you can't seem to get your shit together. I've been emotionally spent on so many levels this year and this has felt like the last, the ONLY thing in life I could control (my diet). But the funny thing is, I can't control it either because whether or not I like it, if I want health & healing I must eat AIP Paleo (auto immune protocol).

What I CAN control however, is how I act and I can change the way we wash the diapers and be proactive in making sure this yeast problem doesn't happen again. I can make it a priority to seek out Paleo friendly foods and learn to make treats that are safe for my gut. But it starts in me and it means I step up, take responsibility and be the momma I must be for my son.


Left is three days ago once I realized what was happening. Right is this morning after three days of probiotics, coconut oil, essential oils & a AIP Paleo diet. The difference is dramatic and we are no longer dealing with screams and melt downs (YAY!).

I'm thinking my poor son may have my immune system. I better get my act together so if he or any future children really do have such strong sensitivities like me then I'll be prepared. I find it funny how I've rebelled for so long just to have the evidence before me proving to me how important it is that I take my health and my sons health seriously.

N.

Ps. Edison has started picking up the nursing pillow I keep in the living room and handing it to me when he wants milk. It's SO CUTE!

A Younique journey... & Tupperware too!

I'm starting to believe that there's opportunity in life if you seek it. I have been so obsessed in searching for a type of divine guidance that I've failed to realize that sometimes you just need to stop being such a chicken shit and make the decision for yourself. I need to sometimes stop being so afraid of the wrong decision and/or the future consequences and/or possible failures. Instead I need to just run after something I'm passionate about.

So here I am.

I'm officially now a Younique independent presenter. Younique is a fantastic naturally based make up company with much more than just awesome mascara. I absolutely love what they have to offer. I'm a self proclaimed celiac and so gluten free is incredibly important to me and Younique offers many gluten free options. As well, their famous 3D mascara which is now something I can't live without and my new all time favourite.


Those are MY eyes!

If you're interested just email me cnstehr@gmail.com or go here
https://www.youniqueproducts.com/NicoleStehr/

I'm also a Tupperware consultant! Cause if you're going to do something why not do two things at once? :) So email me if you want a catalog, to host a party or need to cash in your warranty on something! cnstehr@gmail.com

I'm really excited for both of these adventures! I want to have fun, meet people along the way and see how things go.

Here's to no longer being a chicken shit!
N.

No, not weaning yet

Now that Edison is a year old I get asked often about weaning him. It's not a question that I mind being asked. It's legitimate to be curious as to the way others raise their children. It's definitely something that I've thought about on my own and my answer is this:

No, I have no current plans to wean my 13 month old son.

But he doesn't NEED to be breastfed, right? If what you mean is does he eat other food and therefore not rely solely on my breast milk? Well, yes. He does eat other food, he isn't relying on my milk to keep him alive like he did a year ago. BUT he is the boy that's always sought comfort at my breast. He's my baby boy that refused soothers, bottles, rocking, and any other method of comfort which is offered to him. He chose nursing as his comfort zone and that's been okay with me.

So... "Simply" weaning him isn't all that simple. There's so much involved in our breastfeeding relationship that taking it away without him being ready in my mind would be so very cruel. And for what really? It's working out for both of us, he's happy to nurse and it forces me to relax in the day and bond with my son. It's purposeful time spent with him.

Why change what's working for us based on what other people might find uncomfortable? My goal keeps on changing, first it was six months, then twelve and now twenty four months. The recommendation is nursing until babe is two years old, so why not?

I never thought I'd nurse longer than a year and here I am with my perspectives completely changed. I wonder how long it'll last but I'm not rushing the process or dragging it out either. I'm trusting my son and giving him the freedom to choose what he needs for himself.

I think it'll be a sad day once he does wean but that's all apart of motherhood right? Moving onto the next steps and enjoying the process of growing up!!
N.

A reflection for tonight

I haven't been more afraid of the future than I have these past few months. Taking steps in the direction of change is incredibly frightening. Especially with an infant on board. The responsibility is tremendous and the decisions seems incredibly "adult" like.

We knew we needed to make a change. We knew we needed to take a risk. We've wanted to move forward for a while and it became apparent that standing still was just that, being still. So... Now here we are. In a place scarier than even a few weeks ago, and I'm surprisingly calm.

So we are praying like I don't think we've ever prayed before. And we are trusting and we are growing our faith although it hurts like hell. Because change hurts, increasing our faith makes us uncomfortable and stepping out of a comfort zone is terrifying.

How will bills be paid? How will we move forward in our careers? When will we have more children? Should I work full time? Part-time? When will I get a job? I LOVE my job and it's becoming more obvious to me just how much I love it.

And yet... Is there more? What else could there be? What other passions do I have? What about eventually buying a home?

So many choices, so many adult decisions to be made. So much stress, pressure, expectation. What if instead we hand it over, put one step in front of the other and let it all go.

What is going to come back?

Well... whatever it is I hope it's going to help us pay the bills.

N.

Happy 1st birthday Edison!

Last night as I nursed my son and put him in his crib to sleep I stepped out of his room and started to cry. Embraced by my husband I expressed how surprisingly hard it's been for me to see my baby boy turn one. I'm not sure why. I look through the photo books and scroll through my phones pictures and my eyes fill up with tears. My son is still with me, he's doing extraordinary things, he's growing up. And he's supposed to do that, it's his job in life to grow and explore and discover. I'm excited for the future but sad that my baby is no longer a baby but now a big boy instead!

I'll get over it. But then again he won't stop growing and each birthday and each milestone that passes by will bring me to tears but I guess that's ok. My son makes my world incredible, he makes it all worth it. I have always known that I was going to be a mother but I didn't know that I was really going to love it as much as I do. I love it! Every. Single. Moment. I guess I just don't want it to end, I'm not ready for this season to end. But I know it's not over, it'll just constantly look different, that's all and that's perfectly okay.

I am so grateful for Edison, I wish him all the greatest things life has to offer. I hope he carries happiness, joy, peace and love in his heart. I pray that he is always safe and finds what makes him truly happy in life. I ask God everyday to create in me the mother my son needs. To lead me to be the mother I'm meant to be and parent Edison in the best and most gentle way possible.

Happy first birthday baby boy! Mommy loves you so so much.


N.

Lamby

To the lady who gave my son his very first Easter stuffie, thank you.

This afternoon Cam and I were making our way through Superstore for our weekly grocery shop. This time around we knew we needed to get a few extra things. We knew that Edison's 12 month pants were getting tight so we searched through the clearance rack and we knew that Easter is coming up so we saw stuffies and Easter books marked down. "Perfect", we thought! "We can probably afford that."

We've felt convicted to trust God lately through the little things as well as the big things. We've come to realize that trusting our lives means trusting for daily needs and also wants. It means starting off the day with a heart of thankfulness and sticking to the goals we've put in place to get us through. So even with the knowledge of extra purchases we said, "only $100 today at the store. It's what we've got in cash already, we're trusting it to be sufficient today." And with that we collected what we needed from our list and proceeded to the cash register.

I was packing our groceries with Edison in the cart and Cam was at the till. The total was over our budgeted $100 and so we stuck to our goal and asked for the Easter items (Lamby and a book) to be taken off our bill. "That will be $98.97." "Perfect!" I thought, "I can always budget Easter things later when we have more of a cash flow."

Cam paid and then proceeded to help me pack our food when all the sudden Lamby was put in Edison's lap by the woman in line behind us. "For your boy", she said and I stood stunned. We thanked her over and over. With smiles and shocked faces we pushed our cart to the exit and tears welled up in my eyes, "she doesn't know us," I said to Cam. "She has no idea what our situation is, she has no idea who we are and yet she blessed us."

So thank you!!!!!!! From the bottom of this mommas heart. Your gesture was simple and maybe to you it was just a $7 stuffed animal but to us it means so much. To us it means we're being provided for, we're being thought of and we're all that much more grateful for it.

So welcome to our little family Lamby!!!


N.