so today I realized that its one month until my birthday... YAY! excited cause, well, who isnt excited about their birthday? Im making plans, having a buncha my close friends go out for a nice dinner and then something afterwards, not so sure yet what to do after. Maybe icecream at the beach or something.... sould be good.... should be a lot of fun! Im excited.

i have so much floating around in my head, so many thoughts that is... i dunno if its even going to be worth it to type them all out, you may think Im crazy! hahaah... probably.
i guess whats most frustrating to me right now is feeling so limited. i have so many dreams and things that i want to accomplish, yet i feel as though i dont have the money, to do it. i mean, i have a job! (finally) and things are good there, yet the job isnt huge, i dont get payed a huge amount... i want to work in ministry soooo badly, so much so that it hurt a lot to find out who actually got the internship today at my church for the youth, i am thankful for where i am, who i am, etc... but still... why not me? I have the heart, the motivation... the drive... yet, still.... still not me.... why?
why is everyone else given the chances and opportunites to go after what they dream and i seem as though i cant... as though i keep needing to wait with everything. it just doesnt seem fair, it just doesnt seem right... i just feel as though all those things said to be years before concerning my relationship with God and the plans he has for me, were said to the wrong girl...
that God doesnt want to use me, that maybe i lost my chance.... maybe those prophesies were meant for someone else... I see so much failure and sin within me that its almost a fight to run away from it, only it follows... it keeps following...

hmm.....

i guess this leaves me with "goodnight!", with some pondering....