Its the end of the year and it hasn't really hit me yet that tomorrow, Im packing up the van and moving home. My roommates are dealing with a different experience than me. They are graduating! and I am SUPER PROUD of them... but not me, I have three more semesters left. For me, this is a different experience. I will leave my apartment, I will leave campus tomorrow as a relatively single, 22 year old student who has had a tremendously challenging and incredible year. Now, the next time I walk onto this campus, I will be a 23 year old, married, house wife! WOW! My life will look COMPLETELY different the next time I walk onto campus, the next time I come to this part of "town" to call home again. Cam will no longer be my neighbor, he will be my husband! And I will no longer share a home with girls, no longer will there be sleep-over like times and staying up super late to order pizza and have fondue.
This year has been crazy difficult and yet the most memorable of my college career. I have dealt with hard classes, the pain and remorse of decreasing health, the emotional challenges that Endo has been for me, and the amazing, wonderful and incredible experience of getting engaged! My relationship with Cam has been transforming this year, it has grown to be the most incredible relationship of my life! And I am eternally grateful for my future, my life, my forever with him!
So... today I will go out and have the most amazing girls night with my most treasured friends and then I will pack up, leave this place and embrace the change thats inevitably going to take place.
Ever since the move out of my most cherished home back in grade nine, after I changed high schools, churches, friend circles, having both my grandparents pass away close together and have my health increasingly decrease throughout these past years... Change for me, I just go with the flow! I accept what needs to be accepted and I say bye to those I love with the expectation and hope that they will continue to be apart of my life!
so... GOODBYE! so all my beloved friends from CBC, I love you dearly and I thank you unconditionally for the experiences this year. **Hugz**

today i feel sick... well, ive been feeling sick for a while but today and the days previous to this i have been wondering why i have let it get this far.
i love who i am, i truly do and i am impressed with how far i have come emotionally, spiritually but not exactly physically. i want to be healthier, i want to change my perspectives on food and myself so that i can get to a place of complete transformation and a new "me" in that way but im not sure.
i mean i am prepared and excited to get out of school and start a new lifestyle, one which will be difficult indeed but needed. i feel the sickness, i can see the sickness, the weight ive gained, the blanket, "as it were" ontop of me which has been suffocating myself.
once again though... how have i let it get this far? why? what has told me that i am unable to stop it? im not exactly sure... but i know that i need to get healthy, i NEED to.
i owe it to me, Cam, and our future children.
ba...

I just wanted to say...

BECKY AND KEVIN DAVIDSON!
CONGRATULATIONS :)

They just found out that they are 5 weeks pregnant and expecting in December! yipppeee! I am thrilled for this couple. Becky is one of my closest and most dearest friends, she is amazing and I am super excited for her and the bundle of blessing that is on its way. Another super cute baby to spoil (Wahooooooo!)

Im grinning ear to ear with excitement for her and Kevin. I hope you all are doing the same! Please keep them in your prayers as Becky is an American citizen and is awaiting her Canadian citizenship, so please help in prayer that she receives it before baby D comes along. As well as prayer for a healthy pregnancy.

so lately ive been asking myself the question "what do I want to do?" "who do I want to be?" and although i should probably be directing that question primarily to God, i have been thinking much about it and where i want to end up career wise. my conclusion thus far? there are two directions... health psychology or counselor. my psychology teacher reminded me that those two can coincide and i can actually do both! yipppeeeee... but then i thought to myself "well, i came here with the heart to do ministry, why am i all the sudden going down the road of psychology?"
First off, cause I LOVE it. I seriously love opening up my book and reading about how human behavior effects things, it makes sense to me!
And Secondly, well, because a huge part of me feels lead to walk this road.
Yet, i've always envisioned myself speaking in high schools and counseling adolescent girls out of youth groups concerning eating disorders, self destruction tendencies, and pre-martial sex/teen pregnancies.
But then i realised, it actually kind of side swiped me... those things work with a health psychology degree!!!!! and i would probably be a better speaker, counselor with that health education aspect.
so i guess this is the route im taking! yikies, it scares me, but my goodness you should seriously try and read some of the psychology stuff out there its FASCINATING! im going to DIE taking a year off with no psych classes, im actually going to buy the child psych book, read and highlight and prepare for when i finally get to take the class... how did I become such a geek!????? heehee!

blessings to all!

so i just found out today that my uncle and his fiance (who i already call "aunt" and who is one of my most favorite people EVER!) are getting married in late October/early November! and GUESS WHERE THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED????.... really, come on, guess!??? HAWAII!!!!! woot woot, which means i GET TO GO TO HAWAII!!!!! i am extatic, i loooooooove Hawaii, soooooo much its probably my favorite place on earth, Ive been three times so this will make it my fourth. Its kinda crazy cause I actually know where everything is, the flea market, the museum, the zoo! the starbucks! i absolutely adore this place and Im trying to get Cam and i over there for our honeymoon too! yippppeeeee.... you have no idea how excited i am.
but anyways... other then this, life is great. its getting kinda sad over here at CBC with only 18 days left its kind of surreal, knowing that this is my last time in senior housing, its my last time with roommates other than family members, after this comes work and home then MARRIAGE! WOW! I mean, don't get me wrong, there is a lot of excitement coming my way there is just a little sadness with the whole saying goodbye thing. **sniff sniff** however! saying goodbye here means saying hello to my friends in Surrey who i haven't seen in ages and don't get to spend any of my time with. THIS is really exciting to me.

i feel like i have this sentimental, open hearted post just trying to get outta me but i have no idea what it is i really want to say... i had an incredible visit with my psychology teacher today, an hour visit, i love her, shes amazing! and as i walked home afterwards i began to realise how okay i am with a lot of things. i feel as though ive come SUCH a far way... and im so proud of myself in this. i am so proud that i am able to say "bring it on Endo!" and to not be afraid of the unknown. im eager to get home and to take care of myself with food choices and a membership to the YMCA right next to my house. i am ready to just take charge of my life and my decisions im eager and excited to do so... and i feel like being at home will give me strength that i can't seem to find here at school. i absolutely love life right now, actually ive been trying for an hour to share a nooma video in this post through youtube but i can't seem to make it work :'(
but its called rain and its amazing! and its helped me realise and see just how important it is that God is carrying me through all of these experiences. my life these past five years has NOT been easy. who knew that oma dying would jump start the dominos effect from hell... but i love what Rob Bell says in the video:
that God is holding us close to his heart, he is whispering in our ear "I love you, I know the way home" God is taking care of us and instead of us screaming at him, or asking him "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!" we can fall on our knees brokenhearted and praise him proclaiming "thank you! thank you so much for holding me during that time" because i believe that we go through the hard times despite whether or not we love God, they are times necessary for growth and for brokenness, which is NOT a bad thing. i see brokenness as strength now, i see weakness as perseverance and i see these things building character in a person that nothing else could. and i am blessed, i am blessed with Endometriosis, i am blessed with hard times because they form me and make me who i am and they allow me the period of time to fall on my knees and proclaim
GOD I CAN NOT DO IT ANY OTHER WAY!

blessings!

as i take a much needed break from statistic studying, i thought that i would post... finally, its been a while and i really liked Kortneys comment in my last post. what kind of procrastinator am i? well, im not sure but i know that it doesn't always involve the computer, i spend hours doing homework at night (like last night i was up until 3am writing a paper!) but anyways...

lately, ive been discovering what it means to be a wife. what i means to support Cam in everything, even the things that i find painful. but thats what marriage is... its support, its love, its paitence. and well, falling in love with Cam has brought me to discover how set i am in some ways, some thinkings, some expectations. that my "first born, only girl, spoiled brat" mentality has gotten me heartbroken, many times, with no real idea as to why. im sure many of you have gone through what i have, or maybe not, i have no real clue. but i know that for myself, having one expectation that i thought i would never have to see be incapable for Cam, is heartbreaking. however, the experience of being there to support, encourage and help is shaping the way that i will love him for the rest of my life, which means shaping the way i will be "wife". this being a positive and wonderful result.
man alive... who ever said that relationships were easy, i seriously want to kick that person in the crotch! like seriously.
i agree with Cam when he says that society plays the whole "you just fall in love and live happily ever after" BULL CRAP!
Cam and i have put blood, sweat and tears (or at least I cry!) into our relationship and we still face rocky cliffs. I am SO THANKFUL that God is such a huge part of who we are, i am sooooo excited that God shapes us, changes us and challenges us, through the love we have for each other. its amazing to me, and wonderful.

the person i am becoming is all due to my relationship with Cam and the grace given to me from God. this is the most incredible gift that i would NEVER trade in life...

well... Cam came in, and he just made fun of me :P
geeezzzzz, hahahah, back to the books... NOOOOOOOOOOooOoooOOOOoooo

Blessings!

it is most definitely frustrating to wake up to pain, to intense pelvic pain and pressure, then to decide whether it will be worth it to go to class, and sit for hours listening to lectures when I can read my text book at home in my pj's with a water bottle... so the verdict, I went to my Stats class today and now Im heading up to the library where I need to finish a paper that is hard to write, but very interesting all at the same time. THEN will come pj's, a water bottle and my gummie bears! eeekk... Another couple of days extension on that "such a good idea but very intense paper", due to this set back it is desperately needed BA!!
I hate having to ask for more time... I hate to use my pain as an "excuse" it really isn't one, you try writing a ten page paper on the theme of hope found in the New Testament when all you want to do is pass out on the couch and moan!! Yeah, I thought so :P

BUT things are starting to get figured out... and when I say that, I mean emotionally more than physically, which is a huge step in the right direction for me. I am choosing to overcome my difficulties and although it may not sound like it in this post, I am not allowing this pelvic pain to overtake all of me, not like it has in the past. As well, I am taking the right steps in the right direction in order to overcome my eating disorder and bad associations, my depression can no longer be fed, by me, even this needs to be overcome, and I will.

The good part about all of this? I have GOD! I have hope, and I will overcome! I have chosen to overcome...
And I have the most trusting, patient, loving and loyal fiance of all time!(seriously, he is far more in all these characteristics than anyone else I know)

So blessings to all, and I hope you have no pelvic pain today :)

In New Testament theology class I need to write a devotional, not exactly an easy thing for me to do, but alas! I did it! I wanted to share my final copy, this is what I will be reading aloud in class on Tuesday, I hope it works and makes sense.

Blessings!


Throughout the months coming up to writing for this devotional, I had many themes and ideas run through my mind. Then someone told me to do something that meant something to me, something that I am in the midst of being taught, something that touched my heart and circumstance. So, this is what I have chosen. Healing for the past five years has become an emotional subject for me. For several years I have had abdominal pain and discomfort along with some other symptoms and it has not been fun to say the least. Doctors would only tell me that nothing serious was wrong and to watch what I eat, and track what I experience. Friends and pastors would tell me that if only I would believe deeper, pray longer, hope harder then maybe healing would come sooner.
The emotional journey that I have been on has lead me up some very steep hills. Yet, I find that it is nothing compared to the testimonies that I read in the New Testament. A woman bleeding for twelve years, cast out of society because she is looked down on as unclean. Her faith leading her to Jesus Christ and with hopeful determination she goes and touches his robe to find herself healed. I can only imagine her circumstance and what emotional healing came that day for her as well. Especially with Jesus affirming her by saying, “your faith has healed you, go in peace and be freed from your suffering” (Mrk 5:34).
To be freed from our sufferings is such bliss, to be freed from physical disease or even emotional distress brings us such blessing and release. I believe like probably many of you that healing is possible, even the type that doesn’t make sense. Yet, I also believe that it pains us, sometimes we hold onto our sufferings because we grow attached to the comfort of them. The healing that Jesus did were for those suffering a great physical distress. Yet the healing of these men now meant that they had to work and were no longer able to make a living by begging and being cared for. A small price to pay for freedom. But with the comfort of a being cripple gone, the challenge of being thrown into something other than what was previously known can be scary.
One of my most favorite healing stories is that of a blind man, in John chapter nine, Jesus’ disciples ask him “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” (v. 2). Jesus answered them and said “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life” (v. 3). There is no fault found, the power of God is to be displayed through this mans blindness. So as I read this story I am not only reminded of my own circumstance, but of my friends as well and their baby boy who was born with disease and who lived only twenty eight days of life. Although circumstances such as these bring us emotional pain, Jesus says here, that it is for Gods glory to be displayed. That in the hopelessness of disease, God brings glory to himself. Noah lived so that God would be glorified, an incredible accomplishment for such a short life.
Yet, physical disease and compromise are not the only ways in which God can display is work. Emotional distress constricts the body almost as much as the physical. And it is recognizing that through these times God wants to be glorified, and he will offer his strength to those of us asking for it. It is asking for his peace, his hope, his renewal and his clean sweep of our minds that helps us overcome the obstacles that get in our way. Whether these obstacles include a dysfunction of our physical body or not.
“We do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Cor 4:16-18).
Therefore, the healing we experience today whether they be physical or emotional or both are not what is entirely important. What is important is that our hope is in God and his return, it is in our salvation in Christ Jesus.

just now as I work on my NT Theology paper, I came across this verse which stopped me in my tracks so I wanted to share:

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Blessings!

Ive been going onto a wedding site in my "spare time", as though I even really have spare time! But its been a lot of fun to get ideas and bring them together to produce my very own dream wedding! So while I was going through the cake section I came across these cakes, where in my opinion are GORGEOUS! Cam and I are doing a cake especially for the head table and family tables, then there will be cup cakes for the rest of our guests. Which brings me to my next wedding point... the guest list. There are SO MANY PEOPLE that Cam and I love, adore and appreciate, so its pretty well THE HARDEST THING EVER to come up with a guest list. How do you say, "yes you can come!" to one friend but "sorry we can't afford to have you there" to another???????? Especially when so many of our friends are in relationships or married, its really hard, and really stressful. SO! What Cam and I have discussed and envisioned for our big day, is for our reception to be a very intimate environment, which means... small. Smaller than what we had originally planned for, which means, not everyone will be able to come. And I am sorry and I love all of my dearest friends, but I sure hope that those of you who are reading this and love us too... will understand. Financially if we want to make our day completely ours with the components we want to add, as well as keep the intimate feel we really are striving for, then less is more.

Back to more wedding photo browsing!

Blessings :)

so on Saturday I went to the Clipper Street Scraptbooking Company and in a wedding invitation class I created my very own wedding invitation, its PERFECT and pretty! :) Im very excited to finally get the paper & ribbon ordered, along with other components needed, then go all crazy putting them all together. I know its early... but I have programs, the guest book, and other fun additions to create which will be a key to the wedding and will display my amazing creative capabilities! I'm very excited to make my wedding completely my own, including the creation of my own stationary!
It was super fun too cause Mom and Nantina (maid of honor) were with me... and although Mom is NOT crafty she did a great job! and Nantina and I played around with the measurements to see what some choices are in regards to size! FUN!

Friday was great... I had the best conversation with a good friend, Kortney Story, who has the authority to speak encouragement into my health situation. She gave me the most amazing advice that I am sure Ive heard before, but coming from Kort this time, she put things in more perspective. Maybe that is because I am more ready now to hear it than I was before. CLICK to read falling leaf where she blogged about it.

as well, yesterday my Mommy pulled out her wedding dress from the air tight box it was in and we had one of those sentimental "Mother/Daughter moments" it was such a special time for me. I put on her veil and with an overwhelming excitement fell in LOVE with it. Its GORGEOUS! SO... I'm going to wear my mothers veil on my wedding day :) I'm going to bring it with me when I go and pick out my dress (whenever that happens) with some re-adjustments I am going to be HOT STUFF! On December 20th, Cams jaw will drop! Which is the plan of course.

Blessings to all!
and YIPPPEEEEE... FOR MY WEDDING DAY... NINE MONTHS :)

EIGHT TO TEN WEEKS! in 8-10 weeks I get a gynecologist appointment :) I am SO EXCITED! This means that this appointment could mean an official diagnosis of Endometriosis (or something else if its something else), my almost five year wait to diagnosis this thing is finally here!!

today was the funeral for the picture of that little boy in my previous post. what an emotional ceremony, but of course, its always sad when a child only lives 28 days. the slide shows they presented, the prayers and the speeches would bring anyone to tears, me especially.

this past weekend has been especially hard for me. with the advice from my doctor I took a shot to try and stop the Endometriosis from growing, only the shot has stopped working and Im unsure of what to do. I think that the emotional part of ones body kind of takes over subconsciously sometimes. I know that whats going on in my body is not life threatening, its not cancer, its nothing to be too alarmed about. But I feel it and live with it everyday still... and sometimes I just wish I would only have the job of waking up in the morning and being the engaged, happy, 22 year old that I only want to be.
Instead my femininity has caused such pain, something that seems to be completely unfair. Your body is supposed to work one specific way, so why does it seem to have the ability to make a decision and be stubborn? Gosh!

God only knows.

Please pray for the Neufelds today... they deserve your support

Blessings.

Noah Jonathan Neufeld

February 8th - March 6th, 2008

This little boy is Jonathan and Melissa Neufeld's baby boy. He had Trisomy 13 and beat all the odds concerning this disorder, until last night. Please pray for the Neufeld family and all those who are grieving the passing of this precious little boy.

If you want to see Melissa's blog, please go to the right of my blog and click the Neufeld Family site.

i couldn't help myself but post another engagement shot! even though we were both scrubby that day and it was freeeeeezing cold, the photos are such a sentimental part of that day for me!

so ive been getting a little carried away with the whole "counting down" tickers, the days left until my wedding are 293! BUT can you blame me? really?! i mean im just excited, im just crazy, totally, completely and overwhelmingly excited. yep! its just kinda crazy when i went to the welcome wagon bridal show with Nantina and Becky (two of my wonderful brides maids) sitting there with all the brides around me, watching a fashion show and them asking me what i liked. i actually had to take a moment, sit back and say to myself "O YAH! thats ME, IM the bride! ME!" wow... ive been to many weddings, actually i am surprised as to all the weddings ive been invited to and honored to watch and cry at (yes, im going to cry at my own) its just SO SURREAL to be called "bride" WOW! seriously, its like this time of my life is the most special, wonderful, fun and exciting time.. and i feel at most times that im outside of myself watching it happen. im glad that our engagement is ten months, it gives me some time to enjoy and process, but i love the processing! :) the other day i said to Cam "you know what the next big thing in our lives is going to be?" he looked at me and said "babies" i then said "YAH! BABIES! thats NUTS!" hahahaah... of course you can tell that im not exactly ready for that stage in life, so don't you start asking us when the little Stehrs are going to present themselves, they will come... we want at least three, but just not right away.
i can't express to you how excited i am for this step in my life, i can't start to explain to you how i can close my eyes and envision our living room, our home, our pantry, the way that life will be with all its up and downs, with all its joy, its amazing and wonderful joy! i am THRILLED for my life as MRS. Stehr to begin. the joy is seeping from all places within me.

PRAISE GOD for the blessings HE has given us! its overwhelming :)

so its been a bit since Ive posted... and honestly there really is not much for me to say, other than I just spend a lovely time with Lauren Neufeld, my England friend who is home here in Canada to get married before she returns to England. So my dearest friend who I know reads this blog... thanks a bunch for the wonderful time tonight, especially the wedding talk was delightful! :)
I went to the doctor on Monday, I told her my fears concerning the treatment she has put me on, and now I have to make a decision whether I go for another "dose" on Thursday. She said she wants me to keep going on it... that its only for a short time, she would never put me on it long term, etc... but once again. Im scared. Im totally, 100%, completely scared. So please pray for me and my fear. That God will lead me to the right decision, and that God brings both me and Cam strength to get through whatever there is on the way in terms with all of this. My hope is high and I am doing really good, honestly. Im in pain off and on, Im just generally uncomfortable on a daily basis so just please pray for me in that regards too! Praise the Lord that Endo doesn't turn into cancer (only VERY rare cases) and is not life threatening. Its just really painful, thats all!
As well, Im being referred to the top Endometriosis doctor in all of BC. So please say many prayers for me, that the referral will not take very long at all, and that the doctor and I (who I hear is fantastic) will find the Endo if it's in me somewhere and make me all better. It could be a 6 month wait I heard, which is exhausting and emotional for me to hear, so a quicker referral will be amazing. My Dr said we're skipping the middle man and running straight to the top with this referral, she usually doesn't do this but she said she is going to make an exception for me! (thank you Jesus!)

My engagement and wedding planning have been SO magical, I thank everyone for the cards, love, encouragement, hugs, and joy expressed. Its been the most wonderful time for me... I am amazed at how happy everyone is for us! I am extatic myself (of course!) and very excited to get all my planning done. Everything is so surreal. We are having our wedding at Columbia Bible College for all who don't know, we met there, fell in love there, so its PERFECT! We're even getting Gerald to make his famous Turkey dinner with all the trimmings. I have my decor and photographer booked! and this week we're working on getting some invitation ideas, then its registry once we're out of school, along with honeymoon booking and finding a florist. I feel like Im ontop of everything, yet I feel like Im second guessing myself as well. I have a lot of help though, so Im not worried at all.
The latest though is... do I want red in the color scheme? hmmm.... grrrrrr!!!!!!!!

As well, I decided Im going to call Cam my fiance every and any chance I get for the next Nine months and three weeks :)

Blessings!

O... and yes, Ive been trying to get a decent picture of my ring to show you here online, unfortunately as Nantina said "the photos don't do justice" and you'll just have to wait to track me down, take my left hand and peek yourself. Here is another cute pic of me when I tried a photo shoot with my new "bling" Once again you can't exactly see the beauty of it... but it really is all its cracked up to be!!!

Trouble arrives in measures, and we stack it up real high, until we're convinced, we have no reason to try. If you feel defeated, you're absolutely wrong, for if you follow your dream, you could never lose for long. Ignore the minor set-backs that pile up and trouble you,
or you will build a mountain, out of the stones hurled at you. The future holds great promise, your destiny unknown, but God is always helping, and you're never alone. Soar bravely toward your goal. Let nothing darken the way. You can change your tomorrow,
if you seek your dream today.
posted by Candy15

I have joined an Endometriosis support site which has helped me more than I can express in regards to understanding more about the disease and the people who experience it. Especially with all the different ways that people get pain, the information sites aren't exaggerating when they say that it is different for everyone. It truly is, but that is nothing but comforting because I have read some truly heart breaking testimonies. I continue to be as positive as possible, its easier some days, and actually its a lot easier just in general than it had been before. As well, God has blessed me with such supportive friends, family and well, my most supportive fiance, who even though he has no idea what to say or do to help, tries his best anyways. Yet, I appreciate my friend Kortney Story the most, who has encouraged me again and again that "its really not that bad, it could be worse" and she is right!!! Its do-able and thats the most important thing to keep in mind. Even through the physically painful experiences.
I have another doctors appointment on Monday for a referral to a specialist which I will hopefully see in April or May when Im out of school. Please pray that the referral goes smoothly and quickly so that I can get on the right track and in a more functioning capacity soon. The fatigue and headaches/body aches, cramping are overwhelming a lot of the time and interfere with my studies, daily life and mostly sleep. Which is obviously not good. Im so thankful to be able to take a year off this next school year to take care of my self and save up for my new life as Mrs. Stehr.

The poem above is inspirational to me, and the picture is one that was taken at my roommate, Traci's birthday at the Old Spaghetti factory. The night that some random waitress of ours flirted with Cam all night long! (she even touched his arm!) I laughed my little heart out... I've got the ring, so Im not concerned.

love and blessings to all!

so as we headed out from my parents place, it was at least 10:30pm and we were both ready for some down time. Its exhausting celebrating our big day! and cam had done so much driving that night, he was so tired. However, once we got back to our apartments we decided to "play it stupid" with both of us coming in as though nothing happened. I even had my sweater over the ring. Yet, I think it was my grinning face that gave it away because no one was fooled and the screaming/crying began. What a wonderful bunch of friends/family/community we have here in our two apartments. It was then that people started talking about going out "we have to go and celebrate!". YAY! more celebrating! so... Boston Pizza was the choice (even though Im not too fond of the place) it was about 11:30 or so by the time we got there.
Cam and I were too full from dinner so we just got a mudslide to share (SO GOOD!) and everyone else got drinks and some appies. But the most fun part was that Dave mentioned to the waiter that we were celebrating our engagement. So the guy said "O is that right? we have got to do something then!" so at the end of the night they gave us all our drinks on the house because of our engagement! it was amazing!
That night I went home, with a constant gaze on my ring... and couldn't believe the amazing day I just had and the blessings that were given to me. The family and love that surrounded me that day. It was PERFECT!
IM ENGAGED! yippppeeeeeeeeee.... **Heehee**

Blessings :)

SO! here is the long awaited Engagement post for those who are reading. So as you know from my previous post, Cam and I couldn't do a Valentines date on the 14th because Cam has youth that night, but he surprised me with the stuffed lion and chocolates and all, such a sweetheart. So he said "on Saturday Im going to take you to Cascade Falls in Mission" I was sort of suspicious but then didn't want to keep my hopes up so I talked myself out of thinking he was going to pop the question (at least I tried). So on Saturday Cam came into my apartment and I asked whether or not I needed "hiking shoes" or just the new cute flats I had been wearing, he said those were fine and we headed off. Yet, as we climbed the "mountain" more and more snow presented itself and I was a little nervous for frozen feet for our little "hike". Sure enough we get there and there was TONZ of snow, so Cam gave me his socks to wear in my flats. It was super sweet of him.
we got the falls and there was another couple there. So, Cam and I enjoyed the view and he waited until the couple left. As soon as they did (like ten minutes) Cam started mentioning that its our two year anniversary soon (the 24th), he asked what I saw us doing the rest of this year together and we mentioned things like growing together and such, growing closer spiritually and all. Yet every time he brought these things up, it got me wondering why we weren't going back down to the car yet, and why he seemed to be so nervous. I was like "is this happening?" After I while I figured it must be! So when he said "I love you" I would look up expecting that at that very moment a ring would appear and after about three or four of these "I love yous" Cam went into a speech about how much he loves me, wants to spend his life with me, take care of me, etc... it was SO SWEET! and wonderful. He pulled out the ring box, opened it up, got down on one knee and said "will you marry me?" I of course freaked out!!! put my hands up to my face, almost cried, but was too excited to cry! I said YES! Then I pulled him back to his feet and gave him the biggest hug and kiss EVER! it was so much fun, we talked all about his plans and nervousness... it was so surreal.
The next moment we were racing down the trail, into the car (we were both freeeezing and my feet were too cold and really sore) we headed off to his parents place (it was their anniversary yesterday so we got engaged on their anniversary! this was a coincidence cause it slipped Cams mind) then we headed off to my parents place who took us out for a great dinner celebration at White Spot, back to their place for a toast with sparkling apple juice and then back to Abbotsford. There we had people waiting for us to see whether or not Cam had asked THE question. I showed the "bling" and I had people coming towards me who crawled over other people and couches! It was such a screaming fest, and hugging/crying fest! we went out for Boston Pizza and got drinks at Midnight, we weren't home until after 2am and Im exhausted still.

Thats the wonderful story and my super amazing engagement day! so magical, wonderful and so Cam. The way he did everything was completely his personality and his thought and love, thats what made it so special. He even picked the ring out all on his own, and he did a GOOD job! such elegance and thought and of course love!

so the date you ask?!
December 20th, 2008

People seem surprised when told, but I really wanted a winter wedding and it works best for our schedules and lives. Im thrilled! Its going to be here at Columbia Bible College because this is the place we met, and fell in love... the place we have grown together and have experienced practically all of our relationship so it just seems to fit perfectly!

If I missed out on any details I will fill in more! THANK YOU ALL who have wished us a congrats... it means SO MUCH to me!

Blessings!

IM ENGAGED!!!! yay!!!! just you wait, details and more pictures are coming. BUT I wanted to leave you with this one. The ring is gorgeous! I love it so much! And know that the way he did it was SO SWEET! and wonderful! BEST DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!

ITS VALENTINES DAY!!!! and Cam went ALL OUT this year for me. No seriously, last year he was amazing and bought me flowers along with my favorite Ben N' Jerrys icecream, this year. Well... just take a look at the picture SUPER sweet huh!? I woke up and after getting ready for the day, couldn't wait to walk around the apartment snooping to see if he did anything cute. Nothing in the apartment itself, until I peeped through the peep hole and saw a glimpse of something pink outside our front door. I quickly opened up the door and on a stool sat my lion, 3 lindor chocolate bars and the sweetest, most mushy romantic card. I got all giddy that I came into my bedroom, and said "AMBER! (she was asleep so I woke her up in a frenzy) LOOK WHAT CAM GOT ME!" she smiled said "O Nicole" and went back to sleep. I frantically got ready for work, headed off to the cafeteria and proceeded to tell everyone I knew of my sweet boyfriend and the super cute pink lion he left on my front door this morning.
I don't think I'll share what I got him, you'll have to ask him yourself! But I promise its good! ;) Unfortunately we wont' be able to celebrate our Valentines day together tonight, Cam has youth which is apart of his internship with Bakerview and its too important for him to ask to miss. Plus, Im really happy and excited for him that he is doing so well there! Thanks Tim for keeping him happy! They are going go-carting and well, thats pretty exciting anyways! SO Cam mentioned he is taking me to this water fall in Mission on Saturday! Its going to be our "valentines date" and Im very very excited. I'll post about it when we're back that night! As well, my roommates and I are doing our own VALENTINES DAY EXTRAVAGANZA! with fondue and the works! Thats going to be a hoot as well, my weekend is going to be AMAZING! so.. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL! I hope that you're all being spoiled and loved like you should be.

Blessings!

I absolutely love that this time around people I know are going through the same predicament as me. Its wonderful to be able to talk to two of my friends and have them say "I know what you mean, I was there too!" Its like WHAT! REALLY!? o my goodness, SOMEONE knows, someone has gone through this, someone has gotten THROUGH this. And really, its not THAT bad.

My outlook has done a 360 degree turn, and that has all come from the grace of God and the many loved ones who have prayed a prayer for me. I appreciate how my family, friends and Cam have willingly listened to my complaints and frustrations, my negative outlook that I first held so strongly too. But today, Im doing great! And I am choosing to be positive through whatever it is that comes my way! Even if its surgery. No more fear for whatever it is that this possible Endo is going to throw my way.

I wanted to say as well... that those who have been praying for me, please also, say a long and heartfelt prayer for my friends little nephew Noah Jonathan Neufeld. This handsome little guy was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 while still in his mothers womb back in/around October, he was born last Friday and has beaten so many odds, but is still not in the clear yet. There is a slim chance, given by the doctors, that he will live to his 1st birthday. I ask that you pray for him and his family.

if you want to visit their blog, click on right hand side of my blog page, entitled NEUFELD FAMILY and leave a sweet comment of love and encouragement.

Praise God for the blessings he's given us, no matter how small or short.

more lovely flowers to smile for!

these past couple of days have been difficult pain wise, but i feel that i finally have a hold on to my emotions and my life. i finally feel like this isn't going to end me, im not going to let it run my life. i mean i don't have the "concrete" diagnosis, but it sure feels real, and even in the midst of it feeling real. this "real" disease is not going to over take my entire being. i can't let it.

i found another great web site! i really love the encouragement in it. and it gives guide lines to a certain Endometriosis diet to possibly relieve pain and symptoms. i feel as though i should do it... actually i know i should. so i will! starting tomorrow.

here is the site!

blessings!

"The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:5-7

ive been doing a lot of thinking lately. a lot of contemplating how i feel and what i want to do with all of this. for some reason i keep trying to stay away from talking to God. maybe i feel that the pain im experiencing will only grow if i come to be "emotional" before God. ive had people tell me that satan is using this to keep me distracted from God, i have people tell me that God doesn't want me to be sick and i need to focus in on that fact and stop being where i am. yet the truth is that today and yesterday ive had such horrible pain that its not easy to forget that this is whats going on in my life. and when i do come to God about it i wish to scream on the top of my lungs that "this is not what i want for myself, this is not the future, or the life that ive asked for. and for goodness sake make this all go away already".

i feel like im becoming over dramatic, like a broken record that keeps spinning, and i realise that there are tonz of other people that are worse off then me. i praise God for what i have and the blessings given to me.

i am starting to realise that my worries aren't going to change the diagnosis when it becomes concrete and the only thing i can do is fall at the feet of my Lord and pray for healing, courage, strength and comfort. this is one long journey i never asked for, this is one diagnosis i am piss afraid to receive, this means not knowing what the future brings, not knowing how intense it all is, not knowing whats going on inside of me... but its something that can be used to bring me closer to God, to glorify God, to bring me to lean on Him more. and that can't be anything but good.

hahaha... im too emotional, and i over analyize everything, i worry far beyond what anyone should and i take life very personally. maybe a lot of learning and growing can come from all of this, which always takes a little bit of pain first.

Blessings.

ITS LENT!!!! yay!!!! SO... I'm going to give up Facebook. I'm a little too addictive to it, so giving it up is going to be really good for me. SO... please email me instead if you need to get in touch with me at:

peanutbutter.please@gmail.com

OR

give me a call on my cell, if you don't have the number I'll send it to you in an email if you email me to ask for it

However, you get to do whatever you give up for Lent on Sundays (so Ive been told) so every once in a while on a Sunday I'll check it. But I won't stay on for very long.

what are YOU giving up for Lent?

Blessings!

i added this picture because flowers always make me feel better, they make me smile and so i felt like i should share in my desire to smile today!

in the past couple of days ive read everything that i can get a handle on when it comes to endometriosis, i think im irritating my room mates, even Cam and my family cause im talking so much about it. but seriously, how could i not? i am excited that there is finally some action going on, a doctor has listened to me, its not all in my head. or is it? as i sit here, the pain is dulled, for now and my overwhelming need to sleep is still hindering me from opening up my book and doing homework. but is that just a reaction of other things? i so desperately want it to be something, anything... just diagnose me with something that makes sense! PLEASE! FOR GOODNESS SAKES! im afraid that as i read the symptoms of Endo, mine will no longer match what i read and i'll be back in Dr. Ferris' office with the dreaded "yes its IBS" once again... I HATE THAT DIAGNOSIS! it can not be that, it doesn't make any sense. the stories ive read, the surgery that may be preformed and the reality that something is indeed wrong, i mean it has to be... right? its all so, whats the word? mind boggling.

so my prayer request, honest, and to the very depth of my heart... is that i get in to see the gynecologist soon, very very very soon. So that my treatment can start as soon as possible, if Endo is really the culprit of all of this.

but what if its not? please God, let the answers come soon.
i surrender myself into Your hands. Amen.

I had another doctors appointment yesterday and let me tell you its been the BEST so far! I have been referred to a gynecologist and I'm thrilled. The suspicious culprit of all my misery in the last four and a half years is NOT Irritable Bowel Syndrome BUT

ENDOMETRIOSIS

here is a good link if you want to read up on it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endometriosis

I won't go into details with what they're doing to treat me. I'd rather not tell the world and keep that to myself, Cam (and family) until things start to move along with the gynecologist (that won't be for three months). My doctor can not say 100% that its Endo, only my gynecologist can, so the diagnosis is not concrete as of yet.

Thank you all who have prayed for my health these past four years. I FINALLY know whats going on, all of my symptoms and pain are suspected to come from this one problem.
However, prayer is still needed as I embark on my new healing adventure which may involve surgery.

PRAISE THE LORD, and may He be glorified!!

Blessings.

Today there were schools that came in to talk to students (especially third and fourth year students, which I am) about their Masters programs. I'm not sure if its a secret that one of my greatest wants out of life is to complete a masters degree in psychology and counseling. I can't think of anything other than marrying, being a mother and accomplishing a Masters... for my life. Seriously. I mean of course God is the number one in my life, there is nothing close to comparing to that. All I am stating is that the desire to hold in my hand a degree and educate myself is one of the passions I never dreamed to have. Especially not for psychology. The photo above is my Introductory to Psychology 1&2 text book. It is this class, and this book where my joy lies as I pull it out and read for tests and papers. Now experiencing more psych classes this semester, what I have learned from that book I am practicing and understanding even more in specific and narrow ways.
What I'm getting at is... I can't see myself doing anything else. Like I can't picture myself being NOTHING else then a counselor and masters degree student. Nothing else other than a mother. There is no way that I will put off having children, I want them more than the passion I have for a degree. But I can't see myself waking up to any other joy (in the working department) than counseling, or being a health psychologist.

But honestly.. I am scared SHITLESS! and yes, I am sorry I swore, but I swear its the truth. And today made me aware of these two facts. Super, totally, 100% SCARED! but super, totally, 100% sure.
And even more sure that I'll need ALL of Gods strength to be the best counselor I can be! Because I sure as heck ain't going to be able to do it on my own.
And that is another BIG reality that I have come to today! Today has been a good day!

Blessings!

This was our first ever photo together in February 2006, a couple weeks before we were "officially dating". Although everyone knew it would happen eventually... So now, on the 24th of this February, Cam and I will be celebrating our TWO year anniversary! I wonder where the time has gone?! Its amazing that when I came here to CBC, and walked up into that student lounge for the first time it would bring me to look forward to one of my most favorite days of the year! It took that one "hello" to get me hooked on him, and I can replay the way he sat, what he was doing, and how I felt in that moment we met for the first time. Kinda corny right? Well... not so much in my eyes. Every single day I praise God for the blessing of Cam, he has held my hand through so much that has happened in these past two years. There is no one else on earth who is better for me. I swear it! I fall in love with him more every single day, so I am excited for the day when we're both old and wrinkled, holding hands as we walk around the nearest park, admiring each other, Gods creation and the way our lives treated us. Yep, one of these days! :) This post has no real significance, other then my boasting of my most wonderful boyfriend!

Gods blessings!!

so... I went home this past friday night because my family was celebrating my moms birthday by going out for a nice dinner (mmm... chinese food) and a movie (the bucket list was good!) but while I was home my mom and I had a good discussion. After asking me how Ive been, with the diet specifically and all, I answered "all right, I just can't seem to shake off the feeling that Im not doing the best I can" well, her response was more than brilliant, "Nicole, you keep thinking that you're going to wake up one day without any cravings or without it being difficult, this is something you're going to have to deal with every day. Asking the Lord for his strength to do your very best that day to eat the best way you can for your health. Its not going to be easy, until you accept and recognise this, you'll more than likly continue to have problems and struggles but each day is going to be different, and thats okay!" WOW! brilliant huh? So.. this is where I am today, and where I intend to stay and go forward from. She's right, there isn't going to be the day when I wake up and go "hey! no cravings, this is super simple, horray for me!" hahahah.. thats unlikly, but I can wake up and say "Father God, I give this day to you and I ask for your strength to say no to the foods I need to say no to and achieve the health that I need to achieve, I ask that you be glorified through this experience and that you level the hormonal imbalance in my body, in your glorious name, AMEN!"

Blessings! :)

It is amazing to me how powerful nausea can be and how devastating it can also be to myself and the wonderful "health streak" I had been on for almost two full weeks. I know that its "early in the game" but one fallen step back to me feels like a dancing game and failure that I wish NOT to experience. I was given pills to help my stomach pain and sure enough, they make me nauseous, severely so that I need some sort of solid carbohydrate to stop and settle it. NOT so much fun when that is exactly what I am hoping to stay away from, and what from time to time causes pain and discomfort. But the major problem here is the little bit of "luxury" in carbs that causes the want for more. And finally brings me to loose sight of the true intentions of why I was doing this in the first place.
My first little hump, and Im sure there will be more. Complete health can not come in the first two weeks of a restrictive diet that offers healing. This will take time, and although I am rushing through what feels like the rushing current that is before me, reality is that steps back are inevitable. I need to realize this and be alright with it. I can not rationalize, but prepare for the hard roads and times that there are before me.
Maybe restaurants aren't for me right now, but that doesn't mean they won't be in a few weeks, months, next year. The time will come when I can sit down, order a burger and fries, enjoy and not be guilty, not have pain, not be sad with my choice, and not sorrow over an increasing health issue.
Instead the time will come when my favorite meal can be my favorite again, and not every day, but once a week maybe... and I will be okay because I will be glad that I took the time and the effort and used Gods strength to get me back to the point of being able to say "yes! I would like to order" and not be afraid of it.

Joy is in the air!, at least around me it is!
Blessings

Everything is starting to feel just a little bit overwhelming at the moment. I have my diet to be concerned about, the pills and fibre supplements that I need to make sure Im taking when Im supposed to take them. Seriously, its not easy! Then I have homework, and lets just say Ive stupidly decided to take two of the hardest classes in the same semester! (NOT a good idea), but doo-able, (hopefully!). Also, I'am working in the cafeteria again, no food card means, no food, so I need to make money so that I can go and fee myself! grrrr.... but honestly, what I think Ive just come to realize, right now, as I write this... is that its all okay, I can do it! I can make changes and experience life the way I choose to experience it. I don't need to be stressed or worried, or overwhelmed if I don't choose to be. I can just say "Im going to do my best, be my best and overcome all the obstacles that are before me!" I don't need to be little Miss. Worry! I just need to be rested in the love of Christ, family and friends. There is no need to freak out, I need to remember that life carries on, and I can do my best to succeed where I need to, but when it all comes down to it, I can't loose myself in the chaos of it all.

Blessings!

Its really incredible to me how psyched I am to accomplish what is before me. Here I have potentially been told the wrong thing these past four and a half years regarding my stomach and the problems with my digestion and progressive health failure. I won't go far into these details for the results from my tests haven't found their way back to me yet... but I feel very empowered to do what I know needs to be done and to watch my body transform from sickness to health. It really is the most amazing achievement. I have been on this "plan" since January 1st and I have already seen incredible results and improvement. Nothing is impossible, and nothing is too far out of reach. Im learning about determination, self discipline and structure, goal setting, healthy living and strength.

Praise God, for if He was not the one I kept running to, Im sure I would have never been able to get through these past four years.

Blessings!

YIPPPEEEEEEEEE.... so I went to the doctors today and it was such a wonderful appointment. I went and got more blood work done and there are some other things that they are going to check, but all in all... health is on its way! I am SO EXCITED and I FINALLY know exactly what to do!

PRAISE GOD!

Blessings and a Happy New Year to all!

you know... I feel so much like the answer is there right in front of me. That I have the strength to do what I need to do in regards to eating well, and spending the time I need to spend in the word of God. Yet... at the same time there is still that part of me that holds me back. That whispers that its not going to happen. I still find it truly difficult to deal with all that goes on in me, my body feels so foreign to me. I guess thats kind of hard to understand, but its almost as if I try to do something good, that I have one answer and then all the sudden another pops up and something once again seems to be wrong.

Ive been getting bad, dizzy headaches and I kept wondering what was going on. Friends said its my eyes and to check it out. So I went to a doctor, after a month of these headaches... I couldn't deal with it anymore, it was like I needed to sleep all the time. So, more tests. As well, my doctor said that I can't get all the nutrition that my body needs if I choose to go forward in a vegetarian diet. He said that its almost impossible to get all the protein and substances that my body is obviously craving. So, he suggested that I reconsider and go back on eating lean chicken and fish. Well, fish is out of the question. The last time I ate salmon I was sick for four days. However, chicken and turkey may not be a bad idea. Go on it for a while, get my strength back in other areas, take the detox stuff and get back to normal. Then work on getting rid of the chicken/turkey allergy. I mean, Ive dealt with the stomach stuff before... I can surely do it again. I can't handle this "drunk" feeling any longer, its driving me crazy... I feel like I can't function.

Its nuts huh? One doctor tells you to do one thing, and another the opposite. One test reveals your allergic to meat, yet another could reveal that I need meat in order to function. That I could possibly have low blood sugar and low iron. BA! hahaha... so Im in limbo... again...

Please Father God, please guide me to the answer and the plan that I can follow, that is right for me to regain my health.

Blessings.

Each and every time I see these girls, my heart melts and I grow more in love with them. They are Cams sisters girls. The adorable red head is Jackie who belongs to Michele and the blonde cutie is Addie who belongs to Jen. Both of these girls are precious and wonderful. I had such an amazing time holding them, cuddling with them, chasing them around, playing with them and watching them make my heart melt a little more. I want children! I sure do... I miss them already and I just left them a couple hours ago.
This Christmas feels different. And Im not sure why. Maybe its because of all the time Ive spent at Cams parents place, hanging out with the family, becoming more apart of the family and just seeing what life will be like down the road.
Or maybe its because the hardwood in our home was just put in so that the last week was spend putting our place back together again. The tree did just go up a couple days ago.
Maybe its also because school ended just last week, and I wasn't home with my family as often. There hasn't been a gingerbread house decorated, no Christmas train at Stanley park, no waiting in line to see Santa, no making a snow fort in the snow... none of that... just a different kind of style this year. But none-the-less days leading up to this Christmas Eve, and tomorrow, Christmas day!
What an amazing time of year.

I am so thankful for what this time of year truly means. That Jesus Christ was born to the virgin Mary to save us all from ourselves. That he sacrificed himself at Easter, but was born on Christmas. PRAISE GOD! for his most precious gift.
AMEN!

Blessings to you all this Christmas!

while I hugged a friend good-bye the other day... actually two separate friends going two separate ways in their lives, compared to mine. I realized that life most certainly moves on. Friends move away, go in different directions, get married, have children, buy property, get new jobs. There is such a strange sense that seasons come and seasons go in the year... but I find also in life. I love how one of my close friends calls the times of her life "seasons" That they are almost like chapters of a book that describe every specific part of where she is, and where she goes. I adore that phrase and try to use it as my own.
In my own life I have experienced many different seasons, some bad, some good, some not-so-good, some not-so-bad. All having their own friends, their own style of myself, their own meaning and specific direction to bring me to the next chapter. And although some things that have happened in those seasons have been hard to admit where honest mistakes were made in an honest naive way most times, I don't trade anything in for something else. Because if I had, then the season I'm living at this moment would not be the way it is.
Even the seasons that are meshed with others, I bring everything... every experience, heartache, pain, joy, praise into the next chapter of my life. Working through everything to somehow, in some way be the person and continue to walk in the direction that God has laid out for me. Wherever that is, whoever I am made to be.
I love the people that have walked with me through every aspect of my life. And those that may say that I never loved or cared for them. Please recognize your mistake. That part of who I was, or the part of me that was begging to be something more, loved you with what I had at that moment in time. And if you are my precious friend today, still living with me, going through the stages of my life with me, and those of your own, please understand as well that we may not be together forever. And thats okay! For the love of friends, never truly fades away.
I've begun to understand this and have found peace, I've mourned over the idea that the people I love with so much of my heart may not be with me tomorrow, or the year next. Not because of death, but because of life. Because direction is fickle, things happen, lives move on... and thats okay.
I am thankful for who I am... I am thankful especially for the God I serve, but I am as well thankful for those who have been such great friends. Even those that have been acquaintances, or those that have hurt me in some way or other, or who I may have hurt as well.
Growth, life, moving on... it hurts... but its necessary. And I am thankful for that too!

Blessings on all!

Yesterday Columbia had their Christmas Banquet, It was a lot of fun. Cam and I sat with Carlene, Nate, Julie, Erin and Donna. Lots of laughs and seeking in the food line! Im coming home to Surrey December 14th! Im very very excited to have three weeks of relaxation, no stress, and just Christmas fun!!! yay!!!

I need to go Christmas shopping :S eeeeeekkkk.... its getting too close!

Blessings,
Nicole.

So for those of you who do not know, I LOVE Christmas! So as I sit here looking at the Christmas lights in my apartment with stockings, a mini tree, advent calenders and ordainments hanging from the ceiling. I am in such excitement that the day is near where we have the opportunity to be blessed with family fellowship, sing carols (we already have some stuck in our heads) and eat a wonderful meal. But most importantly celebrate the birth of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ!
This time of year, is seriously the best!

Blessings!

One of the things that I have been thinking a lot about lately is just life in general. My life has been filled of things, good things, great things, hard things, sucky times, blessed events! I am thrilled with the life that I have been blessed with. I am excited beyond words for the future I am working towards.
My parents named me Nicole Elisabeth. And although I do not know what Elisabeth means, Nicole I do know, means VICTORY. This is why the name of this blog is Forgiven.Victory. I am forgiven in Christ and I am victorious in Him through all the stuff in my life.
I am going to counseling, and I am not ashamed that I am. I am thrilled that I am! I am working through things in my life that have held me for years beyond what I am able to remember, and I am excited for the Victory that has taken place in my life. My parents rightfully named me Nicole, for I have become Victorious over much in my life. And continue to win over more.

This picture was taken at Katie and Mike Hughes wedding. What a gorgeous wedding it was! I am so thankful that Cam is in my life, I love him more than the word love can even express and I am excited for the wonderful that God has in store for us!

Blessings! :)

I was sitting here contemplating about life, and my long weekend back home in Surrey with my parents when I came to realize how immensely blessed I am in my relationship with my mother. Of course there are those times when we get onto one another's nerves, when we say things we don't mean and hurt one another. But every relationship goes through those times. Yet despite those times, my mother and I have the typical "Gilmore Girls" relationship. We are friends, we are family, she is what a sister would get to be in my life. And I am BLESSED!
I shared some life changing news with my mother this past weekend, and truth be told I made her cry in the soup aisle at Save-on-Foods. But that is what I can count on, tears of joy when the news is good, and tears of sorrow when I can't seem to find joy in anything. My mother will always be such a huge part of who I am. She has helped shape me into the woman I continue to become, the good in me, the bad in me, the bold in me. It comes from her amazing mothering skills, and overwhelming love. I am grateful for my Mommy, and I am excited for what the end of 2007, and whole of 2008 will bring for the both of us!

I love you mom!

Don't cha love my wonderful art work?... I DO!

I was inspired by my grandmother before the summer, to start painting. My grandmother, Helen Fast-Kroeker, is the most extravagant painter I know. seriously, she's amazing, and Im not even being biased because she is my grandmother. I figured that some of her wonderful talent MUST have rubbed off on me. So... this is my very first attempt at painting, no classes, no previous knowledge, just paint, a brush and me. Along with Traci, Julie and some worship music.

Ive been thinking a lot lately, and along with my new found love for painting, I have discovered that there is so much emotion worth capturing.
My heart has been consumed with tears and darkness lately, lots of things in my life has been weighing me down and I can't seem to break free from them.
I even just discussed with my roomies, the feeling of having to rip off a band-aid, where there is a huge wound underneath. But not wanting to remove the band-aid. Anything else...anything else God, just don't remove the band-aid, don't allow me to see how big the wound is underneath (the comfortable place I have rested in). No matter how self destructive this place is.
I can see, I have been told the things that need to be done, I can see my own behaviors, I understand the consequences. Yet there is the step to take to consciously rip myself from the comfortable place and expose myself for who I really am...

Father God, when I close my eyes, I see myself sitting on your lap, you holding my life before me. Here I can recognize that YOU are in control, that YOU have my life within your fatherly care. I ask for your strength, I ask for you rip off the band-aid of comfortable pain and reluctance, I ask for you to show me that your strength is all I need to get through, that I can do all that you are asking me, that I don't need to be fearful.
Please help me to see that the wound isn't as scary as I make it out to be.
Amen.

Blessings!

"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good." 1 Peter 4:19

I really love this verse. Mainly because we just finished doing a project on it in Hermeneutics class, and secondly because I feel like it speaks into my life perfectly. It may not be that God willed it for me to allow myself to do what has been done to my body. BUT I know that he wills for him to be glorified through it. That he wishes for me to not sit in self despair, hurting myself further, but to get up out of the darkness and walk confidently in who I am and more importantly in who he is. My identity does not come from sickness, not from what I eat, but from Christ alone.

Blessings! :)

I am SO BLESSED! to have such a wonderful house this year at CBC, Amber and Traci are amazing! Everything is so much fun!!!! This is most defiantly my home. Lately I've been thinking of all the things I am blessed with. And I am blessed with more than I can imagine. A wonderful family, a wonderful boyfriend, wonderful friends and school environment. Even the boys next door are like my missing brothers from home. I just can not believe that although I get frustrated, although I get sad and down, that the life I live is beyond what words can express. I am thankful, I am happy with my life and with what steps I am taking to walk in the will of God to make each day better than the next.

Thanks for blessing me! You are appreciated!

so you would think that things would be easier now that I know exactly what is making me sick. But unfortunately thats not the case. I think that the whole eating completely differently than what was expected is almost harder. I feel lost. I have no idea what its like to not eat meat, I haven't touched it really since the results. I feel like I am eating carbs way too much, but I only have tortilla wraps (no yeast) as my source of "bread". At this moment I have excruciating pain on my left side which hasn't gone away, and I haven't eaten anything off the "no" list. I wonder if it is psychological, thinking for so long that dairy, wheat, sugar was making me sick and all the sudden finding out that its fine. Either that, or Im not eating enough, so when I eat a normal size meal all the sudden my "insides" get blocked and it causes great pain. I've been on the couch since 7pm and its close to midnight.

I ask for fellow believers to pray for me and for guidance to help me discover what it is I am supposed to do. There is so much preparation, so my time, effort, that needs to go into all of this. I feel so much like I don't have a grasp on anything and the cravings have become overwhelming again.
I mean sugar is alright, coffee is alright, dairy is alright, as long as I am giving myself time in between my helpings. I can't over due it. I just don't have the body that allows such a thing.

Its getting used to who I am, discovering the body I have been given. Its understanding whats going on.
My mom was encouraging yesterday. She said "you have Leaky Gut Syndrome Nicole, it took years for you to get to this point, you cannot expect it to take you a week to heal and recover"
shes right!
the villi (I think I spelled that right) are shrinking and retracting because of all the sensitivity in my system, this is NOT GOOD! but its reality for me.
Its something I can not ignore, its something I can not deny, its something that will live with me for a while longer. And God has blessed me by introducing me to healing in this way.

I need to allow God to be glorified through this... I can not allow this to be all about me. I will have no strength on my own accord to get through this.

Thanks for listening to my ranting... I greatly appreciate it!

Blessings!

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE IT!!!! I hardly believe it myself... actually I am in a state of complete shock as to what my test results are. No worries, it's nothing horrible and it is DEFINITELY something doable. so what Am I sooo crazed about??

I am allergic to MEAT!!!! hahahahaah.... come on now, laugh with me!
Thats right, No:
Beef, Chicken, Turkey, or Eggs.
ALSO! NO:
shell fish of any kind, and no fish in general.
I will NEVER again be able to eat tuna or sole fish, the sensitivity is the highest on the scale. As well, Salmon is one food that will probably take me years to regain.

BUT! you haven't heard the clincher yet...
I AM NOT ALLERGIC TO: wheat, gluten or cows milk! :P

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!?!?!?!?!?!?
This means that I can have wheat, I can have icecream, I can have chocolate!
I CAN HAVE COFFEE!!!!!

BUT!!!!!!
I am allergic to Yeast :P
which still means no bread, no baking, nothing at all with yeast in it. No crackers, no cake, no donuts, none of that fun stuff still... As well, those things contain egg.
So the whole time I thought I was wheat/gluten/dairy sensitive, I was actually reacting to the egg and yeast in bread and baking products.
AMAZING right!? :)

As well, NO goats milk, NO cheese, NO cottage cheese.
and FINALLY! an explanation for my mother as to why I was so sick as a new born and why I had such horrible stomach pain... I am allergic to breast milk! (go figure huh!?)

So... ALL fruit is okay!!!! yay!!!! and I am only allergic to garlic, green beans, carrots and peas in the veg department.
Along with NO peanuts, NO sesame, NO oats, NO white rice (but brown rice and wild rice is okay)

My body is still severely sensitive, I am on a liver detox, and there are still some funky hormone tests and such things I need to do... I need to keep going back once a month, I have waaaaaaaaay more protein shakes, oil supplements, pills and such things that I'll need a serious system, journal and calendar log of everything!!!

I can not eat ANYTHING the same every day... I need to wait for four days until I can eat something I ate four days ago. I HAVE to do this. If I don't then I will become sensitive to different things all over again... a new way of life for me I guess!

Tomorrow I will wake up a vegetarian... and I will most likely have to stay that way for a LOOOONNNNGGGG time in order to confirm that I can regain it back. If I stay away, regain and than eat meat all the time again within a couple months, the sensitivity will come back again. Better to stay away and keep staying away. As well, every year I will have to take this blood test and re-adjust my diet to the results.

SO!... thats it!!!! different huh???
But I know that I can make it work... having icecream, and chocolate back makes my day!!!! I already bought a chocolate bar today and had a frapp!!!
yippppeeee for it all, its good news and bad news, but its news that I can handle and that I was preparing myself for... for a loonnng time!
FINALLY! I have clearance and confirmation.

Be as Blessed as I!
and PRAISE GOD! that it's not as bad as it could be... I am honestly completely HAPPY!

This is it... tomorrow I am going in for my results, I can not even believe that it has come this fast already. I feel nervous for it, yet at the same time I feel ready to finally know and finally start my six month journey of elimination dieting. As well, its been a month since I first went to Galina, and Ive "cheated" only three times! and not really big cheats either... THIS IS HUGE! I used to cheat all the time, I used to pig out, I used to be obsessed with it all. And now, I just cheated three times in ONE MONTH! whoa. I am proud of myself. I just need to keep it up (not the cheating, the LACK of cheating!). Today I had a bit of chocolate in anticipation for tomorrow, a small treat for the big day. Tomorrow marks the start of another big change, I know that I can do it... I've proven it already. I am so proud of what I have done, who I have become (in regards to self discipline) THANK YOU! for your support, I am seriously going to need it more and more these next six months.

I'll post my results tomorrow... just in case you're a little curious.

Be Blessed! :)

MY STYE IS GONE!!! .... I repeat... MY STYE IS GONE!!! poof, last night I was in bed with a puffy, painful eye, this morning woke up and kept blinking to make sure it was true... and it was! no more painful eye! yippppeeeee.....

so you may be wondering about this picture, my right eye in this photo is puffy because I have a stye. It was taken back in April of this year and now today the nice doctor at the walk in clinic informed me that... FUN FUN I have another one!!!! in the other eye. It hurts like CRAZY! but Ive been placing a hot cloth on it and its taken away some of the pain and I have antibiotics for it as well, which makes it hurt too... BUT at least I now know what it is.

so you know what made my week? I CAN HAVE SALTED KETTLE CHIPS!!! but only kettle chips and only the salted or salt & pepper flavor. I am SUPER excited.

As well..... CAM IS A SWEET HEART! he took me to the clinic, waited a hour for me to go in and out, and went shopping with me twice this week for groceries. He has had to deal with my dizziness and stupid painful eye this week too... wow!! he has GOT to love me. I mean, he sees my crazy health stuff, and I mean ALL OF IT. He has a front row center seat.... and is so willing to comfort me, take me wherever I need to go, and be a sweetheart in the midst of it all.
I LOVE YOU CAM!!!!! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH FOR ALL YOU DO FOR ME!!!!!! **muah**

Be Blessed all you! :)

TWO MORE WEEKS UNTIL I GET MY BLOOD TEST RESULTS!!!!!!

I attempted to make chicken noodle soup with rice noodles today for lunch...it was GROSS :P so I resorted to peanutbutter and banana on rice bread...mmmmmmmmm... at least the pineapple was good! :) but you know what I was most defiantly thankful for this thanksgiving??!!! I got rice crust, non dairy pumpkin pie yesterday at thanksgiving dinner. you have no idea how amazing it was!!!! my life rocked yesterday with my pie...mmmmm.... I can still taste it! :)

so... today I cheated and ate an entire banana loaf that my grandmother gave me. **tear** Im really sad that I did it... but I literally felt like I could not handle it anymore, the cravings were out of control and I had already felt sick because of some potatoes I ate today, as well as breakfast which did NOT agree, so I was sick all day (and by the way both of those times were food that I am supposed to be able to have and I still got sick)

:'( baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....... I think I just need to have a good cry, pull myself together again and remind myself of why I can't just eat like everyone else.

I knew that I had to post this slip, or else it would eat me up alive **sniff sniff**

Love me please, and please pray for me.

Be Blessed.

I pretty much love this photo!!! We went to the fire hall last night, for unit meeting. It was SO MUCH FUN! we got to climb up all over the fire trucks, and shoot water outta the hose!!! YAY!!!

well... today was my first really hard day. I don't know why especially, it just was. Maybe the reality of this situation is setting in, maybe I've had enough salad to last me for a loooooong time that thinking about eating more lettuce makes me feel like a rabbit. I have no idea!! hahahaha... but its hard. I said a short prayer today while making my boiled potatoes, that I submit this all to God. I mean, I'm doing it for a reason, it's not just "cause" its waaaay more than that. You would be happy to know that even in the midst of my hard day, I did not cheat. Not once! I do not have the luxury. If I cheat and fall back into my old ways I am afraid I will never get out of them. I will not be able to go back to the doctor (I got a firm talking to by my parents and the doctor herself about the consequences of cheating), I will not be successful, I have to find the strength within my self to stand up and say "I am worthy of this! I am strong! I am able" and I am.... I know that I am.

Blessings! :)