there are many times when I take a step back and evaluate my life. where i am at, and what i am doing. who i am and the things i want to change to better help myself, the things i want to do to create more confidence, more love and display Christ's love a bit more within me.
i do not know why things happen in life. i do not know why i have gone through so much in the past year of 2006. i honestly can not even come to understand that the year is almost gone. already, 12 months of hardship, pain and tears. there has been a lot of crying in these past 12 months, a lot of evaluating, a lot of praying, a lot of depending on God. these things are good, depending on a heavenly father is always a good, yet terribly hard thing to do. but there have also been many blessings this past year. many smiles, many tears of joy! and i imagine that both these things... the good and the bad will present themselves over again in 2007.
i have no idea... no idea at all what this next year will bring.
at least in my last days of 2005, God gave me some idea of what i may find in 2006. but this time... nothing. not even a little hint.
its all up in the air, and it will all fall where God decides to put it.
this i am confident is an alright thing to do. this I am confident, is a wonderful thing to believe in, that God has my life, and espeically 2007 all sorted out already, i just need to hand it over, relax, and enjoy the ride... enjoy my life.

I have been praying over and over again for confirmation in how to take care of myself, how to love myself, how to make sure that the bondage of sickness doesnt take hold of me again.
I can not stand the thought of going through 2007 sick.... Ive done it for too many years already. NO MORE!
no more sickness, I no longer allow its control.
i finally am taking a stand against it.
i finally want to take hold of what i am worth in the eyes of God and stand up for it. health wise, and in other ways as well...
I deserve health, and God deserves for me to take care of myself,
SO! I am asking how...and God is being incredibly faithful. I am soooo excited for what 2007 will bring in regards to me finally stepping up to my responsibility to myself.
yippppeeee......

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL!
Blessings :)

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL! I hope that your Christmas has been as amazing and blessed as mine!! This is a pic of my family infront of our tree this morning, presents unwrapped and wonderful memories made! Now... we're waiting for an appetizing dinner and fun family time!
BLESSINGS!

Cam and I had a blast on monday, buildling our Gingerbread train! it was halarious because we couldnt find the train... we went to Safeway, Save-on-foods and then finally IGA, and there sure enough was the train at IGA... it took us an hour!!! But it was so much fun!

Here is Cam, deciding where to put everything... he actualy made a huge candy cane gun thingy that came out of the back part of the train



Taaa Daaaaa!!!!! Here is the finished product... dont cha love my pose???!!!!! I love it! :)

I GOT 83% ON MY OLD TESTAMENT SURVEY FINAL!
do you know what this means????
I got a 79% final mark!
O MY GOODNESS!
and I thought I'd fail!

yipppeeee.... now I really dont have anything to worry about for next semester! :)

ANOTHER WEDDING INVITATION!!!
o my goodness... they keep coming and coming and coming.... I need to buy another dress and another set of sexy heels to keep up with all of these wonderful celebrations. I am excited for this one (Im excited for them all!) and I didnt even expect an invitation to Tamaras wedding but Yippeee!! I love going to weddings and celebrating a couples love and committment, so sign me up! Im going! :)

Today I feel GREAT, Fantastic, and like a huge burden has been lifted away! Things still need to be talked through, but I have a much better understanding of everything... which I can only thank God for!
Praise God... for his amazing blessings

Lauren is home!
"hello lauren! cant wait to see you!"
I havent talked to her yet... but Im sure shes super busy with family things and wedding planning for her best friends! so I completely understand. I just hope I dont miss her call these next couple of days.

can you believe it?
ONE WEEK! and its Christmas... im still not prepared :S
O daddy, what shall I get you?????
any ideas anyone????

Be Blessed! :)

I am so excited for finals to be over and to be home relaxing! yipppeee... relaxing! :)
tomorrow cam and his parents are coming over for dinner! we're gonna have lasgana!
and then sunday work :(
Monday Cam and I are going to make and decorate a gingerbread house! im extatic!

I just came back from the annual Christmas movie outting with my parents and brothers, every holiday we go and pick out a holiday movie to see... I cant even remember what movie it was we saw last year but this year it was The Nativity!
and it was AWESOME! I recommend that movie to everyone... and if you cry really easily than I recommend bringing tissues with you when you go, it was an emotional one. The kind of movie that brings to you realise how Holy God is and how human you are. Everything was so accurate as well, and the girl who plays Mary is beautiful!

I think right now Im going to go and sit with God... it seems like the perfect ending to my day... especially after that movie.

Blessings!

Watch your thoughts; they become words.|Watch your words; they
become actions.|Watch your actions; they become habits.|Watch
your habits; they become character.|Watch your character; it
becomes your destiny.

-- Frank Outlaw


watching my thoughts has been a huge struggle for me lately... feelings sometimes can get in the way of reality or at least morph it in a way that is distorted, yet feels so real. all that i am most aware of now is that i need to be true to who God has called me to be and true to my relationship with him. im not so sure of much else... waiting for someone you love is a hard buisness... at least thats the way i feel right now... hahah... "feel" i really hate how your "feelings" are misconceptions, that they can take you in completely different directions. Happy, Sad, Depressed, Mad, Angry... etc...
i know... you're probably confused... haha... thats alright. i wont explain, but im sure you have felt the way i feel right now at one point of your life.
thank goodness that God is so good
and thank goodness that hes speaking so loudly right now... "wait it out, Nicole, trust in me, Nicole, i have plans you can't even imagine, Nicole, stay, Nicole"
i want to go to Marysville, however in a way thats my running place, my place of refuge, the place i hear God the loudest, the place i find answers.........
i think i will make that a goal in the New Year, not the running, at least not a long run.... but a time of meeting God in a place that i feel safe and secure to talk to people.... there is a part of me thats screaming to talk to someone...
at least I get to see Kevin Davidson next week! thats a piece of Marysville.

Blessings! :)

Today at the lunch table here at CBC was such a confirmation of what God has established in my life, there was such encouragment, it makes me thrilled that the vision God has given me for what he wants me to do, or take the steps to do is shared by others as well. I was expressing my desire of doing purity and beauty seminars around BC for young girls as what I want to do after graduation, and the basis as to why I switched my major.
Laurie was so encouraging and such a blessing, she was confirming that one of her wants in life is to do the same thing...she was sooooo excited and kept saying how excited she is for me to do that and have the same vision.

I dont know what is going to happen... I am very much trusting that God has it all taken care of. But the excitement and the reality of the task is overwhelming... I know that I am not expected to do it all on my own. God is doing to amazing things!
PRAISE GOD!

Blessings! :)

ITS OFFICIAL!!!
I am as of now...

in the Care Giving and Counselling major here at CBC! :)

yippeeee...
Im excited.

Be Blessed! :)

well... it has been decided!
for the past six months I have been doubtful with whether or not missions and the intercultural studies program at CBC is right for me and what God has planned for my future. The thought of leaving home for eight months, and graduating with a BA which is meant for someone doing long term missions work, didnt seem right, nor something that made any sence.
The vision given to me from God has been with working in a youth group setting with young girls, grades 6-12. I want to run purity seminars and beauty seminars, fighting the North American media with Gods word and truth for the lives of these girls.
So.... what does this mean school wise??
I will be changing my major.
Instead of intercultural studies, I am now going into Care Giving and Counselling.
I want to be a counsellor for these young girls who are struggling with self image, puity, sexual immorality and pre-marrital sex, healing with struggle in eating disorders and an inability to take care of ones self.
This is my news!

it may come as a shock and surprise, believe me, I was surprised as well once I seriously sat down with God and asked him what HE wanted me to do with my life for his kingdom. But the vision is strong... its kinda scary, but I know that I can "do all things through Christ who gives me strength"
I will be graduating with a BA in care giving and counselling which could transfer credits for more schooling to get my masters if I choose.

missions is still a huge part of my life and heart. I want to continue taking part in short term missions trips with CBC and my church, but it will no longer be my main focus. A counselling degree can be used in the youth group setting and missions setting as well. It is the tool that I will use to do the best ministry I can through Christ who guides me...

so... my life looks completely different.
no more internship.... and maybe the need for one more year at CBC. No more looking into my future and wondering where it will take me, no more stressing over the implications of leaving Canada for half a year.
We will see what happens, and what this next year, 2007 has to offer!
But I am THRILLED to proclaim that God has shown me the way my life should take and I will follow in obedience and exicitement for the task which is laid before me.

Blessings! :)

I got some more pics from Cam!!!! hope you enjoy!!!

Old House buddies... Calvin is such a great guy! and these guys are halarious together.

So... Here I was last night at 4ish, getting ready for "Charlie Brown Christmas" at the CBC Christmas banquet, doing my hair, makeup, getting all "dolled" up for it... I even wore my "little black dress" and sexy shoes! It was so much fun getting ready with Dara, who then slept over here last night. Cam made his way to my MedoWoods aprtment to pick us up and we were off... and very very early! But got the best table most definatly!
Everyone that attended were all pretty in their dresses and suits, it was a fantabulous night! Then at the closing remarks... Eric gave the invitation for all who attended to come for a party at White House, (aka Cams place). And Im serious, that house is not meant to hold so many people, its small, its old and the floor feels like it will cave in when fourty people jump up and down on it, especially in the living room area!!! But... it was a Blast! I was exhuasted, considering I had only gotten about an hour and a half of sleep the night before, but I tried my best to dance all funky like! :P Unfortuently when the party was getting good, Earl, the security night guy came to crash it. Someone filed a complaint to the school and threatened to call the cops on us if we werent quiet. Which I find halarious since the house is on campus and we're a bible college, most got a kick outta that one! I stayed behind with Dara, Nantina and Andrew, hanging out with Cam... until 2am... well after curfew! O WELL! All and all, everything was great!
Cam made my night wonderful!!! He was the sweetest gentleman, getting my punch for me, pulling my chair back for me to sit down, escorting me to the banquet!! I was treated like a princess! :) So.. I got some pics to share with you and I will be getting more from Cam, so maybe later I'll post more... Blessings!! :)

Arent we the cuttest couple ever!?!?! He tried so hard to not make such a goofy face in this photo that he ended up making a goofy face! but thats what makes him Cam... :)





Doesnt Dara look fantastic?? seriously boys.... shes Hot! :)





Okay, this girl here... Heidi, is wonderful! Shes so much fun and she made my Mission class a lot more fun! Isnt she just gorgeous???



And here we have Amber, she is right beside my apartment, the door right across the "hall" practically.. and she is SO MUCH FUN! Shes my late night study, coffee run, talk about whatever buddy... and I LOVE YOU AMBER! (its the 3rd time we've said it!) Shes soooo amazing and beautiful!

Amanda!!! Shes sooooo much fun! this girl can make you laugh and laugh and laugh! Shes beautiful, and we like to do our late night, visit dara at her diner runs!!


MY UNIT! we're not all here... but most of us are! :)

"Be generous with me and I'll live a full life, not for a minute will I take my eyes off your road. Open my eyes so I can see what you show me of your miracle-wonders. I'm a stranger in these parts; give me clear directions. My soul is starved and hungry, ravenous! - insatiable for your nourishing commands."
Psalm 119:17-20

its been a while... i know! but life just keeps getting more and more busy, I have 7 more papers to write, 1 class presentation,1 more OT quiz and 5 finals. Yep! its crazy. Im keeping busy though, so that is good.
yesturday I was spontaneous, thus the reason for this blog entry. I went and got my nose pierced just cause I wanted to, and I found a great piercing place which was recommended by many people at school. So yep! I have it back.
Its on the other side now, my left, your right. Then it was before. and I am thrilled. I love it! its so cute (at last ive been told!) and Im getting used to it again.

my stomach is doing well... not great or fantastic, but well is a good enough word! Keep praying for me and my healing. God is definatly working, he is definatly doing amazing things, I just need to conquer some on going details that He is revealing to me slowly and one at a time... wow...

Blessings to all!

things in my life have been overwhelming and crazy, mostly because I have been stressed beyond my capacity. I have had instances where I would just break down and cry over situations that I felt were completely overwhelming, yet, were minor in comparission with everything else.
but thankfully... Cant you see me? Below? I am as happy as can be! But of course I am.... because I am loved and in love with the God of the universe who died on a cross for me!!
I also have amazing friends, family and the best, most loving and wonderful boyfriend!
Cameron, I love you!



Praise God!
I have been prayed for in regards to healing...
I wont lie, I was walking a thin line when it came to my eating habiats, mostly in the area where I just was hardly eating anything at all, or I was eating too much horrible food.
I was also terrified to eat, the fear gripped hold of me like nothing else, thankfully I am free of that too and welcome whatever food I am offered. I will still however, continue to choose healthy choices for I do believe that is what God has called me to do.... along with praising him for the food I eat... this is a new thing....I keep forgetting to thank him for my food before I eat it... so I feel very convicted to start thanking him before I dig in!
but good news.....Today I woke up, I made myself breakfast without the thought of skipping out, I had lunch and a complete dinner with a nice light snack. The whole time, I didnt feel completely overwhelmingly sick...And I continue to proclaim my freedom and praise God for my healing! so yippeee.... I know that this is not the end, yet I know that God is healing me! So yay! :)

just also wanted to share that the Old Testament Survey midterm that I was so terrified about I got an A!!! (87%) yippeee! :) AND I got another B- on the last test... which is amazing because you have no idea how hard this course is and how much information we need to know for these tests! so YES! Praise God for helping me in this class!!!

so.... bed time for me! After some prayer time
Be Blessed! :)

well... you may be wondering.

where is Nicoles IBS blog??
it is gone!

yep thats right... its gone! Thats because I am not going to focus on that part of my life on here and burden you all with the details of it. Thats one reason, another is that I dont even believe that I have it anymore.

you're probably wondering... "but nicole, you've been talking and complaining about it for years, why you do not believe you have it anymore?"

well.. those are all super private details and things that I am not ready at all yet to type out on here and let the whole world read.
First I want to express it to those that are super close to my heart, and well... I might not even tell you guys anyways... so :P
just deal with the fact that its not longer on here... and I no longer want to talk about it.
so there! :)
suprises all over the place today..

o yah... YIPPEEE... its November! That means CHRISTMAS EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE! yay. Im in the mood for some Christmas Cheer! :)

so im just in the midst of midterms... yep, thats right! Ive just finished my second for the day, and now I am just waiting for the third. Yikies, I dont think ive been this stressed for a while. And Cam is sick :'( So even when I need a hug or a bit of relaxation, hes so sick that he has been sleeping and cant come over... **sniff sniff** its okay though... Hes getting better! yay.
although I think I might be getting the cold now... after these three tests, I have one more which I need to start studying for, that one is on Halloween. Old Testament Survey! O yay! hahahah... I love the course, yet get overwhelmed with the studying involved, o well, I got 70% on my last test, YIPPEE!! considering the class average was 65%.
I guess I better go and brush up on my Acts knowledge, considering that one is up next...

Be Blessed :)

"Everything is permissible for me"—but not everything is beneficial. "Everything is permissible for me"—but I will not be mastered by anything."Food for the stomach and the stomach for food"—but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. By his power God raised the Lord from the dead, and he will raise us also. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh."[b] But he who unites himself with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.
1 Corninthians 6:12-20



I absolutely LOVE this passage... and as I meditate on it I find that my body, my life and who I am has purpose and meaning in Christ. That I am united with Christ! He lives within me! I am Holy! What an incredible revelation, what incredible truth! I am thrilled to be called a daughter of the living God. I am a child of God.
I can not just allow myself to be destroying myself with things that are not good for myself. I can not self destruct. I am worthy! I am worthy of love, I am worthy of life and of love, especially the Love of Christ Jesus! PRAISE GOD!
I am freed from the perception that I am worthless, I am free from the perception that I am not worthy of anything but destruction, the enemy has shut up, because God is my God... and I am under the umbrella of his life, I am white as snow! I am loved, loved more then I can even imagine... you should see me! I am glowing. :)

Be Blessed!
And remember... JESUS LOVES YOU!
Believe it to be true.

lately ive had such a hard time with stuff... i dunno if any of you have noticed or not. its okay if you havent, dont feel bad, really!
things are going a lot better. in a half an hour (acutally less than that) im going to go and meet with John Schmidt and his wife for prayer counselling. Im nervous, Im scared, Im excited and Im eager. This is a step in the right direction and I am finally willing and ready to go there. To find spiritual healing as well as physical healing. so yay! :) be happy for me.
God has been revealing many things to me today and yesturday, once ive been ready to lay some things down and ready to take what is coming. its really exhausting to fight the spiritual fight, maybe that is why i am so exhuasted lately, im getting my 8-9 hours of sleep a night, so it shouldnt be, thats what makes me wonder, ive been in spiritual fights like this before, never though has it been so intense within myself.
God loves me! God is right here with me! God has a plan and purpose for me! God is leading me to places that I have not been willing to go for so long, and this is okay!
so.... yes! I have not much more to say... wish me luck! as I walk into my prayer time and discover ways that God is trying to meet with me! :)

Be Blessed! :)

so Im kinda scared, this new Old Testsament Quiz that I have going on... on Tuesday, this coming Tuesday.
I studied a bit today, will study again tomorrow, sunday and monday, I didnt do so good on the first one (barely pasted) now there is this one coming up thats supposed to be a lot harder :S
so PLEASE pray for me and think about me on Tuesday, espeically about this test.
I want to get at least a better mark then I did before... I love the material, I mean learning about the Old Testament is amazing and wonderful! Its incredible stuff... its just having to know ALL the detail, it gets really overwhelming, really really fast.
so thanks so much for thinking about me!

other then that, life is AWESOME!
work is great... although today wasnt such a great shift (fri night) However, I do have the next two saturdays off! :) But for studying for midterms :S So... not soooo much fun! I wanted the sunday off too, but didnt get it, o well, no big deal.
life is just super busy, keep busy with everything, its all good though...

off to sleep now, need to wake up tomorrow, buy more IBS pills... some brown rice bread! Yummies, and soy milk! extra yummies and then OT crazy studying! yippeee...
*yawn*

Be Blessed! :)

many of you who know me well, have been walking with me through this "healing journey" of mine for the past three and a half years. You have seen me cry... you have heard me wail, you have witnessed my ups and downs of life living with IBS. The drama, pain and complete helplessness. I have prayed since the day I started to feel unhealthy for healing... for a way to deal with this disorder/disfunction, a way to just make it so that I can be "normal" once again. And I have tried, through several ways... denying, ignorning, anger and frustrations to find "normal" within myself again, since I have honestly forgotten what life was like before IBS.

Yet... through my prayers.... through my desperate account of feeling hopeless, unnormal and without cause or puropse, God has clearly spoken his words, and Im finally mature enough and open enough to listen. I have finally set aside my anger at him, at life, at others and at myself to hear what he has had to say for some time.

I WILL BE YOUR STRENGTH IN YOUR WEAKNESS.

I love this! He will be my strength through my digestive problems. He will be my strength when I have nothing to eat, when I am sick, when I am hurting, when I am down to the lowest I possibly can get. HE will be MY strength. I believe now more then ever that God is using this problem of mine for his purposes, that he is transforming my life into his great will. I do not believe that he gave me this disorder, but I do believe that he can use it for his amazing purpose for his kingdom!! I do beleive that and now can understand that I do have a purpose, my IBS has a purpose and can be used has a means for compassion to the sick of the world. To those that are sick and have no hope, to bring them the understanding that there is always hope through sickness, there is always hope in Christ. :)

so... those that are praying for my healing. you can stop! You can pray instead that his amazing purpose is done through this struggle of mine. I no longer view my IBS as a means of a negative burden in my life, God believes that I can handle it... God has given me all his resources to handle it! so here I go... taking the step to believe that this can be the biggest gift and most positive event in my life!

PRAISE GOD! i say it again! PRAISE GOD! Amen! :)

so I have worked friday and today (saturday) and now tomorrow awaits another shift. I am getting overwhelmed once again with the amount of stuff I have to do. Practically every day is work, considering I have classes and then the actual IGA job. Which I really enjoy by the way... so its not that the job is super stressing or anything, its more that I feel like I dont have time for anything to do with school anymore, that I dont even have time to be at church even.
and this frustates me and stresses me out to no end. The down side, I would be loosing potential money. But is it worth it? I mean I'd most likly be working 12 hours a week at $9 a hour, instead of 18 hours a week. At least its something right?!
I think Im going to ask Jon if there is a possibility with cutting out sunday shifts. Just cause its getting too much, if he says no then I will obviously make it work, but if he says yes, then I think I would be a lot happier.
**cross fingers** pray that it will go over well, and that hopefully Jon likes me enough to not mind.

BE BLESSED :)

so things in life, in these regards are good.... I have nothing really to complain about, unless the amount of homework which gets increasingly large is something to vent about. The material is awesome! and its hard to believe that Im actually studying for a B.A! wow, me with a B.A??? that'll be the day (sometime in 2009 to be exact)
but anyways...
I encourage you all that are interested... to read my IBS blog.
I know, I know, hearing about a digestive disorder isnt so exciting, but its whats going on with me, so take a peek and I'll keep posting here too, I promise!

BE BLESSED! :)

o yah... still totally considering that nose piercing and tatoo that I am wanting... still not sure... yet still not totally convinced that its a no, maybe I'll randomly post a pic with me all decked out with both! hahahah..... **ponders**

what is with almost everyone I know getting engaged?? Two more of my friends just got engaged last week! Its crazyness, there are going to be sooo many weddings these next couple of years that I wont be able to afford it! AH! o well, I am sooo super happy for everyone being in love and celebrating the next step of their lives! yippee!!... so...
CONGRATULATIONS
Amy and Nowell, along with Katie and Mike!
Thats so awesome for you guys, Im SUPER excited for you! :)

Things ROCK!
I am so happy that I dont know what to do with myself... hahaha... School is awesome, Im still freaking with the amount of homework I have, but Ive calmed myself down a bit now. I'll just have to deal with some late nights and early mornings to get things done, but I think I'll manage, along with having some fun thrown in there somewhere.

Cam and I are awesome! Life is great there... things at school have gotten settled and I have found myself falling more and more in love with him with every moment we get to spend together. God is sooo good! :) I am so crazy blessed. Seven months are coming up soon! yay.

So its offical... Im going to Africa!! Just not right away... no worries, I wont be on a plane anytime soon, its more like January 2008, but still. Thats kinda soon, one year and four months. :S yikies! But its for my B.A I cant graduate without going to Africa, so what an awesome deal there huh!? hahah... I think so! :) When I go, chances are its going to be in Zambia working at a highschool with teenage girls, at a bible school, with discipling them. Working with the whole HIV and AIDS situation as well... its going to be great! Im looking forward to it, and harsh preparing myself emotionally, and Gods helping with the spiritual part as well (of course) But please pray for me with that decision, with if Africa is really where he wants me and that things go smoothly while setting up the internship. Thanks! :)

So... Im back on my big IBS/GLUTEN FREE eating plan. And its pretty much going super great. Ive kinda scared myself this past week with losing six pounds in a week!!! Im smaller than Ive ever been before! And so that really is exciting, Im not going to lie! haha, but If I keep losing this much then my mom is going to take me to a nutrionist, if it gets to be too much, but that'll only happen if I loose more than 25lbs. so, lets hope that I stop losing this fast, cause last time I was on my diet like this I lost approx.40lbs in two-three months :S ... but yah... but YIPPEE! That the eating plan is working as awesome as it is, I dont feel bloated, Im not wanting to throw up, I dont have any more stomach pain, and I just feel great! So YAY! :) Im so glad, and Im staying on it for good, I'll just cheat with Ben and Jerrys maybe once a month! :) you know, for a treat! heehee.

well... Im off to sleep now!
BE Blessed! :)

so school, although stressing about the homework, Im eager to get back on campus tomorrow night. I organized all of my books and wrote out a scheduale of all my assignments, there are actually not as many as I first anticipated. I think I'll do alright this semester! I think that I'll be okay... work these past couple shifts have been a walk in the park! it's so easy! Some people have been annoying, but thats what happens when you work with the public, o-well. I'll put on my happy face and ask for Gods paitence and love to shine through and be apart of me, especially at work.... I just cant let it phase me. I need the money, desperately! And Gods providing! so yay for that.
Even though this year is going to be crazy busy, I am not so stressed out about it anymore. Which I am thankful for, I am just going to take it a day and month at a time, and rest in Gods faithfulness.

well.... ive been doing a lot of thinking about my whole schooling, my semester this year and the next. You see I am in the Intercultural Studies BA program, which includes a eight month (minimun) internship missions trip to anywhere I want to go (or more like anywhere God tells me to go) before I wasnt so excited for it, more scared and terrified of the thought of it. But now that I have two amazing mission classes this semester I can't stop thinking about it. And I cant hep but feel the huge nudge and painful push to go January 2008, instead of my planned September 2008. SO! I am going to go in and make an appointment with Brian the missions director at CBC and see what he says, I know he'll encourage me to go for sure in January and if everything comes together super well, maybe that'll just be the case. WOW! I mean Ive always been super excited to do missions, but this will be alone, just me, in Africa most likly, doing Gods work. Its a dream come true, yet a scary reality. So, please pray for this internship, for Gods guidence. Cause I really hear him yelling at me to go in Jaunary instead of waiting and pushing it farther cause I want things my way. I want things to happen in life before I go, I want things to be secure before I go, I want to go with Dara! hahaha... but Im hearing him say that my life is his and HE SAYS when I go not me, and that life will be fine and his will is going to be done when I get back.... I hear him calling me to prepare myself and take these mission classes super seirously.
So.... here we go, lets see what happens!!!

O yah... Im going to China next summer! :) on a missions trip with my church, its not for sure yet cause I havent applied and I havent payed anything, but Im confident that I'll have the opportunity. Im super SUPER excited! :)

Be Blessed! **big smiles**

so this week has been crazy... even just today has been the most overwhelming of them all. My weeks to come look NUTS!
crazy overwhelming that I dont know when I'll have a chance to breathe, and I still have a man I want to spend time with and cuddle with whenever I get the chance :) So I hope that I'll learn to take energy out of whatever situation Im in this year... AHHH... yep, thats me thinking of what I have infront of me for the next eight months. O well....things are going to be great. My classes are AMAZING! I am super excited for everything I am going to be able to do. I am so excited for the things that are to come, for growth in Christ, for learning the bible so much more then I do now... for the assingments that seem to be so exciting. Also, for new friendships that will form throughout the months... things seem good... really good! :D
I think however that I might ask for Sundays off work now... I might give it a couple of months and see what happens, either that or ask for a smaller shift. Im not sure yet, I think I might give it a while yet to see... but Im scared that I'll run out of energy really quickly if I dont have a time to just stop and do nothing. I think I might run it by my boss/manager sometime this weekend. Hopefully it'll be okay... pray for me guys! :D

well... off to sleep! Im EXHAUSTED :S
Be Blessed! :)

ps. GOD IS GOOD! hes doing incredible things... like always! :)

those of you that visit often, may become confused to the new title, verse and layout of my trusty blogger site. Yes, this is still me, still my blog and still my life. I am still devoted to Jesus Christ (as the verse clearly states) and I still am "simply driven by Christ" that will forever be apart of who I am. Driven solely on the passion, purpose and faith that comes with giving ones life to Jesus Christ.

and although all those things are extremely important, I feel the need for a name change and a new direction to walk in my life.
to be a forgiven victory...

let me explain.
I recently found that my name means VICTORY, along with the definition of saved, victorious in battle and being given victory
I found this to be appropriate because there have been so many things in my life that I have been victorious in, and many things now that I need Gods grace, mercy and forgiveness to find victory and overcome them.
God has forgiven me for many events, and things that I have done, yet each time...hes is gracious enough to bring me victory in it all.

its an encouragement....that I can be a forgiven victory in the things today and tomorrow that are keeping me where I am, and I need, only through Gods strength to pass through the bondage.
so... PRAISE GOD!
AND
BE BLESSED! :)

school is just around the corner, its coming more quickly than I had anticipated, although longed for! :) I am so excited that I am going to be on campus soon, that I cant stop smiling about it! Yipppeee.... more friends, late nights, exams, essays, and fun fun fun! although this year I will be working on weekends, and my exhaustion will only grow as the weeks progress, I am thrilled that I am where I am, and that God is as amazing and good as he is!

today I spent most of my day packing, and more of my day shopping for school stuff. Its nutty the amount of things that I have already packed away and are waiting to be loaded in the van for sunday morning. I am working on reading a book which I need to finish reading tomorrow and write a book report on, along with another eight page paper on my service practicum that I did in the summer, there is just not enough things I can say in eight pages worth. I will make it work somehow though, I always seem to.

I am stressed though. With school approaching... and the amount of stuff I need to get done its overwhelming.... my new job as well is going to be crazy, learning all those codes for the fruit and bulk. AHH!!!... HELP! :S How can I possibly fit that into what I need to get done? At least I have until friday to get familiar with them before my shift.... I will get it, I believe I can. :)

BE BLESSED! :)
and pray that this stress of mine doesnt end up in my digestion.. Im not allowed to be stressed, doctors orders! :P

GOD IS SOOOO GOOD! OKay, this is the story and the explanation why there is an IGA marketplace logo on my blogger. So, after the all-nighter with the girls last night I came home at 8:30 with only approx. 2 hours of sleep, so I crawled into bed and had a fantastic sleep till 12:30. Woke up, did my usual morning routine, when all the sudden right before breakfast (more like lunch) Jason calls me from IGA and says "get your butt down here right now with your resume, I told my boss John about you yesturday and he is asking when your resume will be in!". So in a frantic way I got myself looking not so tired, put together my resume and rushed down. There I asked for John, went into his office, talked ten minutes... then out of nowhere in our casual conversation asks "so you're a small right? you look like a small" and hands me a shirt while stating "welcome to the team!"
I GOT A JOB! I am the new offical cashier at the IGA marketplace just down the street from my house. I am sooo super excited. The reality still hasnt hit me yet... but the anticipation is really there. I am making more money, and I have more hours than Jacob Connexions, I am thrilled. Its going to be AWESOME! So, GOD IS GOOD and answered my prayer, out of nowhere he brought an amazing opportunity and now I am so eager and excited to do the absolute best I can do there. And be the best Godly example I can be to all the teenage girls that work there. Its going to be GREAT! so
YIIIPPPEEEE.... my first day is this friday, and my last day at Jacob Connexions is this saturday. SO, dont go looking for me at Jacob Connexions, I will not be found.

prayers are answered, when you believe they can be, when you agree and know that GOd is bigger and greater then the problem you are praying for and what you may do about it on your own.... KNOW that GOD answers PRAYER!
BE BLESSED! :)

good afternoon all!!
so have you ever had that feeling when there is something you have on your heart and you are praying to God constantly for some answers, and some relief? Well... tuesday all day I had that feeling, and while I was out at TImberline Ranch with Dara and Nantina, the overpowering need to talk to them about it frustrated me enough to spill my guts, even though what I wanted to talk about I felt completely guitly and ashamed of, now I believe that I was held in bondage by what was going on, and talking things out with them was such a God thing! PRAISE GOD! :)
Some of the things that Dara said really struck my heart... it was like "YES! thats whats going on... thank you GOD! that she is speaking your words to me!" Now I have a new perspective and a new strength, that only God could have brought. I believe the truth that God uses people to speak into our lives, to use them to guide us and shape our being. Because Dara definatly did just that... so Dara, THANK YOU! for letting him use you for me.
Now things are worked out and I am gleaming with happiness, you should see me! :) **Heehee**

yesturday Cam and I went to playland and the PNE, just us... it was SO MUCH FUN! I had such an amazing time with him... it helped me a lot to spend that time as just us, alone, yet surrounded by many, just having fun with one another, having great conversation and learning more about who we are... I am so blessed... Cam is definatly the best thing thats happened to me! Now our plan is to go to science world. I cant wait! I am thrilled... and I'll take some pictures then and post them!!
Its actually our SIX MONTH! Today. This is my most happy month to celebrate cause Ive never been with anyone longer then six months. And for him and I to just get here causes me to smile extra big :D!!

my whole job situation is still on the rocks. I have no idea what to do... and I am praying over and over again for guidence, I know that GOD IS GOOD! and has his amazing plan for me, so I am waiting paitently until he gives me the direction I need. There are so many ups and downs to "should I get a job at home? in abby? at the mall again? starbucks? where!!!" so those of you that pray, please keep this plea in mind for me... Its not really about the money, although thats a big part, its just getting the hours I need and feeling safe and secure in the job I have, cause those factors are fading away at J Connexions.

off to get ready for school! yiiiiipppeeeee!
BE BLESSED! :)

"trust God from the bottom of your heart, don't try to figure everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go, he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own, give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don't, dear friends, resent God's discipline, don't sulk under his loving correction. Its the child he loves that God corrects, a father's delight is behind all this." Proverbs 3:5-12 (the message translation)

when i was in the bathroom in hawaii my little brother brandon (hes actually not so little anymore, being 16 and 6"3) placed my beloved stuffed bear and note up for me to see when i got out. i honestly almost cried cause i wasnt feeling so great that day, missing someone special from home and having my routine stomach pains. it touched the deepest part of my heart, which prompted me to take a picture.
you know, lately ive felt so far away from God that it hurts... a pain other then my stomach, yet one which cuts the deeper part of who iam. i realize over and over again how horribly lost i am without Christ. i see so much sin in my life that it overwhelms me and convicts me. the verse that you read at the beginning of this blog is what i read everyday, day in and day out, something which i should take the effort to memorize. its opening up my eyes to see the most important thing... my relationship with God... its telling me that I dont know everything! I am nothing compared to the majesty of God, to the increasing amazing power of Christ in my life. I especially love the part "your body will glow with health". I do not blame anyone for the things in my life, i blame myself at most times, yet the peircing thing that keeps me stuck is fear I guess. the fear that i am not pleasing God the way I should be, that im not "doing all i can" to bring him what he expects from me. this is such horrid thinking. GOD LOVES ME! no matter what i do, no matter who i am, there is nothing that can keep him away from me... so why!? why am i allowing lies to keep me stuck in the fear of where i am. pastor mike said something that really grabbed me... that God will always complete what he starts in his people, that he IS NOT going to give up on me, even if i give up on myself, even if what i think isnt enough for him, he will continue to try to convince me that it is, cause hes not looking for me to measure up. hes just looking for me to seek him, love him... Love, its the only word that describes who God is and what he expects from us. L-O-V-E, so love, here I come! :)

well... this is my Cheesecake Factory experience... if you really know me, like really really know me then you would absolutely know that i ADORE cheesecake, and the foodnetwork. one day when i was watching the food network while dreaming of cheesecake a special on the resturant Cheesecake Factory came on and since then i really REALLY wanted to go. so, while i was walking downtown Hawaii and the resturant was right there, i jumped up and down. the next day, i waited two hours to get in.. and then i had CHEESECAKE! yay!

so this is the napkin... hahha... i know, kinda dorky, but i was sooo excited to be in there that i got even more picture happy then usual. by the way the inside of the resturant is gorgeous!!! the bathrooms are even impressive for crying out loud!, you laugh, but i just had to check out the bathroom, i didnt even need to go! heehee! :)

so, as the list of cheesecake options got more and more overwhelming, i narrowed it down to the two things i love other then cheesecake, chocolate and peanutbutter (hence my email address) so what else other then white chocolate peanutbutter cheesecake? its the best of all worlds!!!! there was no other choice...it was obviously the one!

now, let me tell you IT WAS GOOD! so good that i tried my hardest to eat the entire thing.. it was HUGE! i tried, i promise i tried, but i was one bite away from completely polishing it off. yummies... i would have licked the plate even, if i wasnt so full at the end, im sure i was really entertaining, i was having the time of my life!

so sad...its all gone. **sniff sniff** my cheesecake experience is over... but thats alright, it was everything i was hoping for! hahah... now im looking forward to going again, i wanna go to the one in seattle, hopefully for my birthday or some other special occasion sometime this year or the next...i know i will have my cheesecake again! :D

so you may be wondering why i am on a giraffe?? well we went to the zoo! and it was so much fun! we got to see tonz of animals, ones that make you wonder how or why would be in hawaii!? like giraffes and elephants for instance. O... and hippos, they were SO cute!








if you really know me, then you know how in love i am with elephants! i just looove them, they are giants, yet are so cute, and sweet. they have so much power, yet are so gentle...thats why i love them. also cause they have a little bit of hair on their heads and are completely wrinkly.. hahaha.. one of these days I will ride one! Im telling you i will.


my mommy and i enjoying the beach... we didnt get burnt that day, actually the only day any i got burnt was the last day! thursday afternoon, on the back of my legs and back, it HURTS! soo much... but o well... life goes on and soon it will be an awesome tan! heehee! :) yeeessss... which was one of my goals of the trip, get as dark as possible! i think i achieved that.


my family... awww!!! in front of diamond head and more crazy fancy hotels on waikiki beach, the sand thank-goodness wasnt so hot at that time, considering it was after dinner time. in case you didnt know thats jason, brandon, my mommy (liz) and daddy (don).

well can we all say surf boards? I stood beside them and wondered to myself "If Im ever going to learn how to surf.. which I do want to learn someday...then how can I possibly carry one of these? They're twice my size!!"




so this is the most incredible view from the beach... those are some of the most fancy and expensive hotels Ive ever seen! this time we didnt walk in them, but I have before... the water is warm and such an incredible color, salty however, so not so great when it gets in your mouth and eyes.. eeek!!!!!


rain rain!!! I loooove hawaiian rain, its so much fun to walk around hawaii when its raining, cause its not like the rain here in B.C, its like a midst. you know, the kind when you're walking around a grocery store and your in the produce section and the sprinklers just suddenly come on, so you run towards it and put your hand underneath? thats what its like! but A LOT more fun!

so this was my dads idea, my brothers are sure characters... this was obviously a statue infront of a rock cafe in the area Kings Corner a block before the beach. There are a bunch of fun picture opportunites everywhere... as you can tell, we're not burnt yet there... so we still could move normally! hahahaha.... hey! brandon, stop looking at her panties down there!

so yet another picture opportunity... cause would you ever think that all three of us could possibly take one surf board out at once?? well... actually now that I think about it... I guess that could be possible.... we'll save it for next time! :)

well.... Im back now, Hawaii is officially done and over, its sooo sad **sniff sniff** i had such an incredible time. the beauty of hawaii amazes me every time i go, i definatly suggest to everyone to go and experience what im talking about. the water is an amazing color and the plants just make you stare. although im exhuasted i am burnt on the back of my legs, back and chest, so sleeping tonight will be a task as was last night. it hurts a lot right now so i guess im just going to update this first before i attempt my sleep.

as dissapointed as i am that i needed to leave the beauty and fun that is hawaii, i am glad and super excited that i am home again. i missed home... i love traveling, i love going to other places and experiencing other cultures, but i always still miss home, especially this time since i have someone to miss ;)

since this wasnt my first time in hawaii i we didnt do the whole "tourist scene" we did of course do some tourist things such as rent a car which we took to Hanama Bay and Diamond Head volcano, which both were fabulous experiences... we were already there before the last time we went so there wasnt anything new to expect. it actually surprised me how much at home i felt there in hawaii, it was my third time there and i pretty much new where everything was... and we had traveled around the entire island three times in two days so ive seen the whole island literally front to back. so going there was more of visiting a friend rather then going to an exotic place.... o well, the adventure was great and there are definatly some really awesome laughs and things that happened... you just need to ask to see the pictures and you'll see what i mean.

well... the burn still hurts but i guess i will try to get to sleep at a reasonable time. the plane landed at 9:08pm, and there is a three hour difference, so even though its 12:18am right now on saturday morning, to me its still 9:18pm friday night. But I guess i should force myself into a regular scheduale as much as i can.

o yah! for those that were worried, the airport was frantic but everything went really smoothly. The way there nothing had happened yet so it was no problem, it was two days after we arrived when all the chaos with the airport and the liquid stuff happened, we watched CNN every night before bed to keep track of what we needed to do and they posted updates at the hotel in the elevators so we always knew what was going on.... its on the "orange" level now. So you have to be at the airports three hours before your flight, and you cant have ANY liquids or anything on the plane in your carry-on, however you can still pack it in your bigger case, so everything worked out well and we had no problems at all. So thanks for your concern everyone! God was amazing with everyhing as usual, we had no problems with anything at all the whole time we were there, God was certainly taking care of us! GOD BLESS AND GOODNIGHT! :)

well.... im off!
I will be on a plane heading to Hawaii in 13 hours. im really really looking forward to it, its going to be great! :)
when i get back i will update you all on how it went and post some pictures.

so i have been praying about my job and my new manager. although i was really upset about how she talked to me that other time i decided that i need to stay. i keep feeling that God is bringing me peace to stay, so i will. i wont take anything that aimee says personally, and i will be the best worker i can be!
so yah... i dunno, im really happy when im not being yelled at, i wanna keep my discount and my hours are going to be cut dramatically when i go back to school so it wont be that bad. then i will apply for something more right before im out for the summer again. thats my plan and i like it.

but for now.... HAWAII HERE I COME!

ps. everyone pray that i come home safely and that the plane doesnt go down...i wanna come home again! :)

HAWAII! Im leaving on Tuesday at 4:30 in the morning for the airport! and we'll be arriving at 11:00ish in the morning when we actually land in Hawaii. I cant even believe that im going again, this will be my third time. the beauty of the place just brings me to awe at the glory of God. that He created the incredible scenery, wow! words dont describe.
so i have about four hours when i get home from work tomorrow to pack and get things ready... AHHHH!!!... im not even close to being ready for it... im reminded of one of my horrible dreams when i need to pack in a hurry to get somewhere but i cant pack for some reason, those always end badly. i hope it doesnt end in that, i dont think it will... i have an idea of what i wanna bring, its just a matter of putting it all in a case.

so i got to see cam yesturday.
i miss him....more then i realise after he is gone back to camp. when i lay in bed, just about to fall asleep and think about him and how crazy blessed i am. then i miss him so much it hurts... i miss talking with him and getting to know him. we've been dating five months and ive only known him for eight. so there is still tonz to find out... im so curious, im so eager, im so in love with him! **blushes**

i have found that when i think about my digestion and lack of proper function, i come to understand how much i have allowed my IBS and my troubles with it to define who i am. this... is stupid! i am not "the IBS girl" i am "a child of God" and that alone shall define who i am and my purpose. i deal with a digestive problem, i get sick constantly... its a reality of my life, but it is not who i am. this i need to remember and take account. i am allowing it to control me... i dont need to let it anymore, cause it does not take the place of my God. i know in all the places of my heart that God is bigger then even my silly digestive system, and has the power to heal me! :)

Be Blessed! Amen.

i am so stressed right now that i cant even stand it... i hate my new manager, i really really hate what shes doing to the place, to the store, to everyone i work with. i cant even express how pissed i am right now at her. ba!
i used to love my job, if you ever talked to be before this week about my job i used to always say how much i loved it and how much fun it was... now... you wont hear that. im looking for something new, or im going to complain enough to get me transfered to the langely powercenter or guildford, cause honestly right now, i am dreading my shift tomorrow... my stomach is hurting, thats how stressed i am about this now.
AHHHH!!! why did this have to happen? why!? ba!.... yes, thats what i say when i cant express things. BA, BA BA!

okay...

i need to spend more time with God, i feel like i cant even look at myself in the mirror, thats how much i regret the way my relaitonship with God is at the moment, i feel as though its not there at all. i feel as though i am alone, and done so much on my own that he doesnt even want me anymore (this i know isnt true) i want so badly to be back in the arms of God, and i really think that after i type what it is i will type here, that i will end up crying.... the tears are already streaming. and i hope, i really hope that in the midst of my tears God will meet me here and hold me. i really want to be held by someone that loves me... i really want the words from God to say that everything is going to be okay, hes taking care of it.
i believe that he can... the question is why would he want to? after all the time ive spent ignoring him, not allowing myself to believe that he is listening or wants to hold me.... so, excuse me as i lay everything at his feet and beg for forgiveness.... because
Jesus Loves Me! The Bible Tells Me So.... and i truly will believe that deep down for the rest of my life.

Good night!

so.. I hate my doctor...okay hes a nice guy, i'll give him that. but does he even listen to a thing I say?? NOPE! he just nods his head, scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands me some drugs that I absolutely refuse to take. because he was seriously not listening to what is going on.
i have abdominal pain every day... I am always feeling like I need to throw up and other things I will not mention, but he didnt listen to that. he said "here is some zelnorm, see me when your done it"
NO!
ive heard things about zelnorm.. and I honestly dont want to do that, i want a diagnosis, i want a doctor to listen to what I am saying and care about it... I want someone to tell me "yes! here is it, there is something wrong" instead of feeling like Im the only one in the world that feels like crap, instead of feeling like what i am experiencing is all in my head... AHHHH!!!
okay thats my screaming of anger frustration.

I cried.... actually i bawled my eyes out when I got outta that office and into the car. my mom asked what I thought and I said "a new doctor!" so here i go on a search for a female doctor that wont look at me like im nuts when i tell her things im going through and who will tell me that i am not alone in it and suggest some sort of testing to make sure.
anyone want to share their doctor?

and right now that doctor appointment came at the worst time.
When I am sick with some sort of cold, flu or virus thats making me feel like crap...and when you feel sooo sick all you want is comfort food, and let me tell you brown rice and chicken is not comfort food. So Ive been bad with my eating these past couple of days... I just dont feel good.... so why try and feel better?
That silly doctor has made me feel so much like there is something wrong with me mentally, i know that this isnt true. BA!

But there is no excuse, I have been placing so much on my health that I have come to loose sight of God. This I completely regret... to focus so much on my IBS has been the most unhealthy thing to do. Cause in that I have lost my spiritual health and that is most important. I need so desperatly to get that back.... please think of me in your prayers!
FATHER GOD... FORGIVE ME! Amen.

thanks so much Kortney and Dara for what you wrote in my comments on my last post. I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday and Im going to complain a lot more and get more testing done... hopefully something will show, hopefully I will get some answers, some real answers.
Yesturday was Brandons birthday, and so like we always do we went out to eat. I had previously been to Montanas that afternoon and unfortuently they put cheese on my salad (stupid cooks) so I was already feeling really gross, so I thought "hey why not get something I really want, Im already feeling like crap" so I did. And man alive! horrible HORRIBLE pain. So bad that I couldnt sleep... so bad that all I wanted to do was lie and moan and puke, really really bad. And then this morning when I woke up, I was a lot more nauxious feeling accompanied with dizzyness, blurred vision and other sort things. I hardly ate today cause it was so hard to....
BA! I yell in frustration... yes its my fault cause I was stupid yesturday and ate badly, but did I get heat stroke today? or are there other symptons that I need to add to my long list??

today is Cam and I five month! :)
yay... and this week he is home wed-sun, a nice long break for him from camp. I am so excited to see him. I am so excited to finally get to see him more then just once this week. Yay! :) big smiles for me.

I was reading Psalm 139 last night... it brought me to tears to realize the tremendous love God has, I cant even begin to imagine it. I cant even begin to understand it, although I am trying hard to... I keep talking to Him, I keep trying to listen to what he is saying, I feel so lost... so not who I am, almost like Ive lost myself. I guess Im just seriously overwhelmed....

time for prayer... God truly is good.

so hello to all who read this... its late, and although i left nantinas house early to go to bed early i guess i never actually got to the "bed" part of it all. just the "lets check my email" part, which turned into two hours of doing things i cant even remember online. o well... at least i didnt waste my time with gold miner like i always do (reminds me of cam)

so once again... i got a sore tummy, yes i know, its my fault and yes i know i am complaining... but if you dont like it, stop reading! :P i tried my "rice bread pizza crust" its wheat and gluten free, but frankly i guess thats just not enough for my silly stupid digestion system. o well.... life goes on and here i go taking another two of my pills.
BA! i just wish that i was normal already... or at least physically normal.
other then the one cheat I had with a little icecream and one cookie, everything seems to be okay... that cheat though did cost me big time with a sore tummy for a couple of days. sooo not even worth it. especially when i can go and buy brown rice icecream and cookies, which reminds me to pick some up tomorrow! :) yummies!

so other then the whole complain of health issues, life is pretty much normal.
and since its getting closer to 1am im going to cut this really short... Good Night! Sleep Tight! :)

GOD BLESS!

okay, so this is me! (obviously) playing with the digital camera I got for my birthday.... dont I look great? hahaha!! Dont you worry, all my kisses are saved up for Cam!

so ive been complaining over and over again i know... and i apologize.
having the food restrictions that i have, i guess i have a right to complain... but truly, i am happy! really! i am. Im losing weight again, so that makes me excited... it melts away, i dont even notice it until my mom tells me, hahaha.... so yay! for that. at least there is something great about this... i actually suntanned in a bikini the other day, got darker, but ive never done that before.... im happy to do it again! hahaha... i burnt my tummy a little bit.

things are great right now.. God broke me down on sunday, he broke me to my core. i ended up crying, and praising, then falling asleep from all the emotion. i guess hes just showing me the truth of what ive been allowing myself to believe, all the lies in my life that i have listened to... thank goodness that God is so darn good! :)
Actually, I think I wanna go and talk to him again.... Goodnight!

its been a week...one week officially that ive been on this new IBS diet. everything has been a hit and miss when it comes to food and the affects with my digestive system i cant eat soy milk :'( which sucks cause I love it so much, i tried it and no luck and i found this delicious oat/flax cereal that i love, but again no luck, it hurts too much to eat.... ba!!! so frustrating
but yay to the new rice milk icecream that i found that is so far so good with my digestion! so yay!!! soo happy about that, and its delicious! :) so at least i have one of my favorite foods back, even though its not the real stuff.
its been hard though these past couple of days...
ive been getting cravings, and getting frustrated with everything... but thats going to happen, its just apart of life and apart of the process of dealing with it. Im getting used to all the powder drinks and the pills. they're fine. Things are going to get better... i can already tell! so a big YAY! :)
PRAISE GOD.. thank you so much Lord that you are healing me!!!!

okay.. so firstly PRAISE GOD! cause he totally did something incredible for me the other day... let me explain.
as you will, read the post previous to this... go on.... just read it... or at least the beginning of it.
did you read it?

if you did then you can come to this post with the understanding that i go through a lot daily when it comes to my health. that i have a digestive problem that causes frustration and overwhelming times of feeling as though giving up is the correct answer. in the post before i felt utterly hopeless... i felt like no one could ever understand and that there were no answers. i cried out to God over and over again for healing, for something, anything that would help. and once again PRAISE GOD! cause he brought me help! :)

a couple days ago i walked into Choices market. which is a huge organic food store. and thankfully they have a registered nutrionist working there that specializes in IBS and has it herself.
**can you see me smiling!**
when i first started talking to her, she could see that i was desperatly unaware of what is going on and what i need to do.
so.... right then started my health lesson. And right then i was pushing back the want to cry with joy that i have finally FINALLY found someone who understands and is telling me that whats going on is real and that she has answers. real answers, true answers and that I can HEAL! YES! :)

so this is the drill.... no wheat and dairy. NONE, nothing... not even a little bit... not even a smudge. none at all... for at LEAST six months, and even after six months, very very very little... so practically nothing for a whole year..
I am now taking eight pills each morning along with a fibre drink, another intestinal cleanser drink in the afternoon and two pills right before I go to bed.
I am only allowed approx. 1 cup of brown rice a day (the only carb im allowed other then veggies and fruit)
and no red meat.

yep! its going to be hard. as you can plainly see. BUT she said that if I chose not to do this, if i just decide that its too hard... then there will be horrible consequences, she asked what was happening sympton wise and she was really shocked that I had done nothing until now. She said "YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.. SUCK IT UP AND DO IT... YOU HAVE TO!"
that did it for me... she said that if I dont do it, then my colon will shut down in a couple of years, meaning colitis, meaning not having the health to have kids, meaning horrible things down the road... this scared me, scared me soooo much!
its enough to make me suck it up and deal with the fact that this is real, a lot more real then I realized.

so.... no more "cheat days" for me, they no longer exist.
but when I look on the bright side, true health and healing is right around the corner! I will never be completely without it, I will always have IBS and there will always be the chance of it getting really bad again if I let it... but I finally have the brains and GODS strength to get me on the road to no more pain. and... well.... maybe I lose another 30 or so pounds! hahah.. :)

thank you all who have prayed for me and who have cared! thanks soo much! :)

so lately ive been feeling so bad, gross, nauxious, bloated, painfully aware of my IBS probelms and my lack of stopping them. honestly i dont want to eat, i dont want to put food in my mouth, i wish to avoid eating all together actually... does anyone know of a pill i could take that could leave me without the need to eat?? and not make me sick?? cause if you do, im seriously interested.

i cant help but cry about it lately... i cant help but ask questions like.. why?????!!!!!! WHY?!?!?!? and why cant i pull myself together to get over it?
mom keeps teling me that im not alone with it, which is true.. im not. just the other day i met my second cousin Matthew Kroeker and his fiance, who has the same wheat problem as I do...and she just deals with it. thats what I need to do, just deal with it. Stop fighting it, just allow it to be apart of my life. to live it out.... to allow God to work through it for his good.
I dont beleive that God intended this to happen, I dont believe that its from him, that he wants me to be in this much pain daily and to abuse myself in this way... I realize that i cant do anything without him... nothing wthout him... i am nothing without him...
I keep hearing him say "you werent intended on doing this alone... so stop trying to!... let me in!"

I came across a verse last night while i was doing my devotions in James. it says:

"Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you've sinned, you'll be forgiven- healed inside and out." James 5:15

I am going to take this verse as my "theme song" for my life... to be healed would be the most incredible experience, but i need to believe that it can be done... and that maybe its going to take a lot longer than i thought, or anticipated.... that God has a lesson in the midst of this whole ordeal... that he can take this and turn it into something amazing, if only i let him...
all of you out there that pray... please say a small prayer for me concerning this... i just feel so overwhelmed and frustrated, but its time to stop crying about it and step up to grasp ahold of what can be done... with Christ, of course! :)

WELCOME TO THE WORLD!!!!
David Brent Robert Neufeld... so here he is... the picture that Lauren sent me today... isnt he soooo adorable??? I think so!
So, CONGRATS! Once again Neufeld family on your new amazing blessing...
He is super cute :)

I PASSED MY "N" TEST THIS MORNING!! yay!! :D

I am soooo happy that its finally over and I have finally passed.... things are sooo good!! I now even have to remind myself over and over again that I did it! :) that I can finally drive without my mommy, now its just fighting with Jay and Mom for the car whenever I need it, obviously I will make it work... it'll be fine. Im just so glad!!

CONGRATULATIONS JON AND MELISSA NEUFELD!!!
their beautiful baby Boy was born last night... WELCOME TO THE WORLD... David Brent Robert Neufeld! :)
I am sooo happy for them! A child is always such an amazing blessing.

well... I got to see Cam on tuesday night at Stillwood and then he came home tuesday night for all day Wednesday and it was SO AWESOME! to see him again, it was such a great day! Now I have 8 days to wait to see him again, and I can do that, being without seeing him for 19 days was a lot... I can deal with waiting for 8. :)

THANK YOU FATHER GOD, FOR BEING WITH ME TODAY, FOR BEING WITH ME WHILE I WAS TAKING MY N TEST, FOR BEING WITH MELISSA AND JONATHAN WHEN DAVID WAS BORN LAST NIGHT, FOR BEING WITH CAM AND I WHEN WE GOT TO SPEND WEDNESDAY TOGETHER.... THANK YOU!
PLEASE BLESS AND PROTECT US THE REST OF TODAY AND TONIGHT! Amen.

so, ive just spent the last four hours or so making play dough for nantina and her sunday school classes, honestly.. it was a blast! i would mix, nantina would kneed the dough, and we colored it with koolaid, i havent smelt koolaid for years!!!!
so, i put my honest amount of work in of service for the little buggers that are going to be playing with my playdough for the next two months each sunday morning....
the sun was sooo nice today.. i went to the beach with some peoples for lunch (i NEED to stop spending my $$$ on food) but it was a lot of fun! the place was PACKED! surprise,surprise!!! ... and now my neck feels really weird, like not good weird, like hurting weird... but im "keeping an eye on it" like my mom always says... just in case something horrible starts happening...
well better get some sleep, even though brandon has someone over for the night and they might speak very loudly all nght! :(
God loves you! :)

so today... was kinda a bad day... i sat around contemplating whether or not Cam might possibly walk through my front door in a "surprise!" kinda way. no luck :'(
he hasnt told me when he will be home next.. he said he has a day off somewhere, sometime... but never said which day.. ah! seriously missing him, seriously a lot! and its seriously hurting...
makes me wanna cry.. saturdays are not going to be my fun days this summer... cause they will be days i know he has off yet wont know whether or not i'll get the chance to see him...
i know im sounding like a sap, but its been 17 days since ive seen him last.. and i dont like it :P

because of my vunerable "miss cam" thought process... ive come to other conclusions that have helped me feel really depressed today. dont you hate it when you allow something to make you sad and then the enemy or yourself feeds on that and other things start to come to your mind???
i bet you all know what I mean...
that happened to me today. i was sitting in my living room going "am i all alone?" are there friends out there i could call? nantina is always busy now with work... so i feel like i miss her all the time, dara is so far away, lauren is in england... my best friends just seem so far, and now cam is at camp.
BA! i feel as though all the sudden i have no friends... i have no relaitonships, they are all scattered all over the place. and im left alone in my house... sometimes i really REALLY hate this house and the tv.

then i asked myself, am I loving others enough? am I really being the christian friend that i could be? am I loving them with true Christ love? or am I just keeping myself hidden from it all.. and allowing myself to become this lazy, 21 yr old hermit girl that watches tv all the time and only works??
boy... i want to hang out with people more often, even though at most times i avoid it... why!? why am I avoiding it?

yesturday night was a good night... an email that i was nervous to read came, and came with such encouragement and love. something that i needed to hear was said, and Gods grace was once again very present among me. I am so thankful, so blessed, so overwhelmed with the love that surrounds me... PRAISE GOD! yes, praise God once again!
I now realise that fear is something that Im creating in myself... that its something that doesnt need to take hold of me, its nothing to grasp, and only something to push aside. to shout "you do not have a hold on me! for I belong to Christ!" I just wanna keep kicking it in the bum! hahah...
with that email came a quote
"dont tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is"
thats right....
tell the problems in my life that they dont stand a chance against my almighty God! a God that loves with such incredible and strong love.... you know, I know that before I wasnt allowing love in... not Gods love, not love from someone special, until yesturday i finally realised what I was doing, the fear I had was paralyzing me from accepting love into my heart. In fear that it will be discarded. I dont want to be that fearful again... i only want to grasp hold of what has been given! so.. even if life happens (and it will) things will come, pain will be inevitable, but joy and true happiness will also happen and i know that God will lead me through both the bad and the very very good! so... Yay! :)

hahaha... GOD YOU ARE SOOO GOOD! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!! :) Amen.

have you ever come across one of those "o my goodness... I cant believe I have that in my heart!" feelings?
like you just discovered that your completely emotional about one thing, and then you trace it back to your past and go "ooo yah, yep, there it is, thats why, Im emotional" or "ooo yah, yep there it is, thats why I dont get along too well with myself"
i had one of those moments last night at like 4:something am. kinda a bad time to have one of those, but hey! I love them, so i guess its okay. what i mean is i love it when God goes "o, here it is... now you have to deal with it" because it forces spiritual growth and maturity, and if you're desiring only to live "Christ driven" or "Driven by Christ" then those moments although very painful, become complete and amazing blessings.
but anyways...
my moment came of "ooo!" and here I am thinking about it... and finding a way to deal with it I guess. What God really opened my heart to, is the way I see myself. That I am not loving myself, I am not allowing myself to be loved.
I was listening to a Turningpoint sermon last night at like 1am.. and it was talking about whats in our heart reflects how we treat others in our relationships. I dont think that love for myself is in my heart, I think fear is when it comes to this whole "love" thing. I think the pain of my past and the scars it left behind are bringing me to come to conclusions that arent really there. I love how pastor Jeff said "do not listen to what your mind is trying to tell you" which is soooo true...
Kortney told me to be paitent... she even wrote it in my comments on my last blog as a reminder (thanks kort!) and shes right. Paitence has never been my strong point... but Im learning, and Im trying hard.

FATHER GOD, may you please judge me. Judge my thoughts, my additudes, my desires... take away my fear! cleanse me and purify me from every wrong and unpleasing thought. Please bring me a spirit of paitence, and may your will ultimaltely be done! My life is yours O God... Amen...

fear ... one of those four letter words that hold so much power against you.
i really dont like this word, yet its becoming a day to day struggle of mine... not fear of anything like a spider, or the dark, i guess fear of something that seems to be worse.
i dont want to get into many details, but those that pray... please just say a small word for me...

"perfect love drives out all fear" 1 John 4:18

Ok...so its official... i miss Cam. ALOT!
a lot a lot...
hahaha... yep i feel like the girlfriend that cant be away from her guy for more then a day, but its been two weeks! and i still dont even have a chance to see him until saturday, and there might not even be the possibility of that. so :P, yep thats right i stuck my tounge out at all those that think im sad! ha!
Kort how do you do it? i mean obviously your engaged so its different, but still...man alive! i totally admire you!
i keep checking my email like crazy... to even get an email from him at this point would make me smile eye to eye in absolute crazy happiness, geezzz guys.... i need to get out and distracted! hahha...

God is good... "all the time"... all the time... "God is good"
ok, that seriously brought me back to my youth group days (not like Im not re-living those days now, only im now the leader!) but anyways... random moment, but sooo true!
God has seriously been amazing, not like he ever stops being amazing, but hes just seeming to be extra amazing lately. You know when you surrender so much and then it just all seems to come together?
thats what it feels is happening lately to me..,. that I just yelled out in open arms "I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!" and God said "well nicole you werent meant to try and take it and live it out alone anyways, of course you cant take it anymore, give it to me, im supposed to take care of it for you!"
so thats that!
all I want to be is more like Christ, all I want to do is live out what he has in store for me.. all i want to be is Godly. the Godly woman that I can be.

so I called CBC today! yes! Im in senior housing officially! YIPPEEE!! which means my own kitchen, which means NO ME BEING SICK! (yes!) soooooooo excited. you have noooo idea how excited i am. I love summer, but I love fall and school more, im just jumping around waiting for school.... i love my life, and im excited for hawaii, but school! yeesss! sooo much fun! :)

Gots to read, sleep, pray and be merry! God Bless! :)

so i continue to read my book...i continue to read the words that are truly touching my soul and making me realise the intense love that God has for me, the love that ive read about for years in the bible, the love ive been told about over and over again in sunday school and bible college, yet for some reason this book just puts it out there and brings me to relate to the author and her struggles, the same ones that i believe most women deal with everyday...
i am grasping what this love God has for me is truly all about.... its about romance, God loves me more than anyone else could ever love me! now thats intense! thats so hard for me to wrap my mind around... i mean why is it so hard for me at times to understand that i am loved, that someone can love all of me, including the bad and ugly, including the sins that happen... including it all.
i dont need to be fearful of love, i dont need to fear that love is something temporary, i believe that its not... God will love me with that intense love for the rest of my life, no matter what circumstances, no matter what!!! WOW! thats amazing! truly and incredibly amazing!

"Listen O daughter, consider and give ear; Forget your people and your fathers house. The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." Psalm 45: 10-11

"Enthralled by your beauty. That means captivated, smitten, fascinated, spellbound, and delighted. That's exactly how the prince feels about the princess in fairy tales. But this sentiment is not fiction. Enthralled is how God in heaven feels about you. He is taken with you. Undistracted. Intensely interested. Emotionally connected. He enjoys your laughter and takes pleasure inthe way you think. He is not bored with you, and he would never consider you ordinary. There is no way you will ever go unnoticed with God. You are beautiful to him. Incredibly, breathtakingly beautiful. When a man feels this way about a woman, we say that he is in love."
** Do you think Im beautiful? Angela Thomas

so i got a new book, and this book is incredible, i just finished the 1st chapter, and im already totally convicted of things, of life, myself and my way of thinking...actually something that was said in this book really touched my heart, really made me think and ask myself if that way is how i view my own life. i think it is, completely without knowing it...

"im realising that half my life has passed and ive spent most of it trying to deny the way God has made me. afraid of being strong for fear of being prideful. afraid not to please for fear of being rejected. afraid to ask the questions from my soul for fear they'd never find any answers. so afraid that one wrong step would ruin everything. afraid to say out loud what my heart longs for... afraid that longings are sin and God wouldnt understand. afraid that i am a woman that longs to be desired, longs to be rescued, longs to be called beautiful."
~do you think im beautiful? Angela Thomas

this book is already making me realise my fears of myself, even the fear of being beautiful and what that may take of me. trust me, i dont count myself as ugly, at least today i dont. but i have gone through so many times in my life where i felt like i could be something more beautiful than i was... that i was ugly, non-pretty. i went through the thick glasses stage, the lots of acne stage, the horrible clothes stage, the really fat stage (several times actually)... probably that last stage is the one I struggle with most. I know now that my glasses make a fashion statement, make me look older, smarter, something that I am proud of. my acne is gone thanks to medication, and I know now how to wear makeup properly to cover up that which I dont want seen. the clothes i wear are picked out with the greatest love for expressive thought and creative character... i love that i get to express who i am with what i wear. but i still feel as though i havent got pass the "really fat stage" I still feel as though every time i step on the scale i fall short... and i always cry and ask God "why couldnt you of make me just a little bit smaller? why do i go through all i do when it comes to what i am on the outside?" thats when i end up crying out "Father God, am I beautiful?" Am I skinny enough???

I really try hard to put out the front of being happy in my own skin... and i can list out many things about myself that i love, truly and with a full heart just loove about myself. I love my baby face, i love my eyes, i love my hair, i love my smile.... I love my feet, i love my height. I just have a hard time with my weight. i recently lost a lot of weight and I think I keep forgetting that it happened, i keep forgetting of who i was before and who i am now.... i feel so afraid of what the next step could mean, yet i want to get there so badly... why? cause then maybe my boyfriend will love me more? cause maybe i will look sexier in clothes? cause maybe i will love myself more? all these things are lies... I know where I am in my realtionsihp with Cam, i know that I look great in the clothes that i have, and i know that when i acheive what I want in weight my mind will find something else to bother me with... so why the fear? why are the lies bothering me so much? why allow it to overtake who I am?
these are questions that I truly hope to find answers for in this book with the help of the holy spirits guidence, i pray to find the strength to keep great health, to stop hurting myself, to understand my own reasons for doing what I am doing... to find a way to banish the fear althogether... the fear is a horrible grasp and lie, it doesnt belong in the person God created ME to be... it doesnt belong anywhere within me, therefore it GOES! far away because I refuse to listen anymore....

I know that I am beautiful.... i look in the mirror and it says it for me... God says it for me, Cam says it for me! I just need to grasp the truth of that statement for myself and in every single part of me...
so... here we go!