I PASSED MY "N" TEST THIS MORNING!! yay!! :D

I am soooo happy that its finally over and I have finally passed.... things are sooo good!! I now even have to remind myself over and over again that I did it! :) that I can finally drive without my mommy, now its just fighting with Jay and Mom for the car whenever I need it, obviously I will make it work... it'll be fine. Im just so glad!!

CONGRATULATIONS JON AND MELISSA NEUFELD!!!
their beautiful baby Boy was born last night... WELCOME TO THE WORLD... David Brent Robert Neufeld! :)
I am sooo happy for them! A child is always such an amazing blessing.

well... I got to see Cam on tuesday night at Stillwood and then he came home tuesday night for all day Wednesday and it was SO AWESOME! to see him again, it was such a great day! Now I have 8 days to wait to see him again, and I can do that, being without seeing him for 19 days was a lot... I can deal with waiting for 8. :)

THANK YOU FATHER GOD, FOR BEING WITH ME TODAY, FOR BEING WITH ME WHILE I WAS TAKING MY N TEST, FOR BEING WITH MELISSA AND JONATHAN WHEN DAVID WAS BORN LAST NIGHT, FOR BEING WITH CAM AND I WHEN WE GOT TO SPEND WEDNESDAY TOGETHER.... THANK YOU!
PLEASE BLESS AND PROTECT US THE REST OF TODAY AND TONIGHT! Amen.

so, ive just spent the last four hours or so making play dough for nantina and her sunday school classes, honestly.. it was a blast! i would mix, nantina would kneed the dough, and we colored it with koolaid, i havent smelt koolaid for years!!!!
so, i put my honest amount of work in of service for the little buggers that are going to be playing with my playdough for the next two months each sunday morning....
the sun was sooo nice today.. i went to the beach with some peoples for lunch (i NEED to stop spending my $$$ on food) but it was a lot of fun! the place was PACKED! surprise,surprise!!! ... and now my neck feels really weird, like not good weird, like hurting weird... but im "keeping an eye on it" like my mom always says... just in case something horrible starts happening...
well better get some sleep, even though brandon has someone over for the night and they might speak very loudly all nght! :(
God loves you! :)

so today... was kinda a bad day... i sat around contemplating whether or not Cam might possibly walk through my front door in a "surprise!" kinda way. no luck :'(
he hasnt told me when he will be home next.. he said he has a day off somewhere, sometime... but never said which day.. ah! seriously missing him, seriously a lot! and its seriously hurting...
makes me wanna cry.. saturdays are not going to be my fun days this summer... cause they will be days i know he has off yet wont know whether or not i'll get the chance to see him...
i know im sounding like a sap, but its been 17 days since ive seen him last.. and i dont like it :P

because of my vunerable "miss cam" thought process... ive come to other conclusions that have helped me feel really depressed today. dont you hate it when you allow something to make you sad and then the enemy or yourself feeds on that and other things start to come to your mind???
i bet you all know what I mean...
that happened to me today. i was sitting in my living room going "am i all alone?" are there friends out there i could call? nantina is always busy now with work... so i feel like i miss her all the time, dara is so far away, lauren is in england... my best friends just seem so far, and now cam is at camp.
BA! i feel as though all the sudden i have no friends... i have no relaitonships, they are all scattered all over the place. and im left alone in my house... sometimes i really REALLY hate this house and the tv.

then i asked myself, am I loving others enough? am I really being the christian friend that i could be? am I loving them with true Christ love? or am I just keeping myself hidden from it all.. and allowing myself to become this lazy, 21 yr old hermit girl that watches tv all the time and only works??
boy... i want to hang out with people more often, even though at most times i avoid it... why!? why am I avoiding it?

yesturday night was a good night... an email that i was nervous to read came, and came with such encouragement and love. something that i needed to hear was said, and Gods grace was once again very present among me. I am so thankful, so blessed, so overwhelmed with the love that surrounds me... PRAISE GOD! yes, praise God once again!
I now realise that fear is something that Im creating in myself... that its something that doesnt need to take hold of me, its nothing to grasp, and only something to push aside. to shout "you do not have a hold on me! for I belong to Christ!" I just wanna keep kicking it in the bum! hahah...
with that email came a quote
"dont tell God how big your problems are, tell your problems how big your God is"
thats right....
tell the problems in my life that they dont stand a chance against my almighty God! a God that loves with such incredible and strong love.... you know, I know that before I wasnt allowing love in... not Gods love, not love from someone special, until yesturday i finally realised what I was doing, the fear I had was paralyzing me from accepting love into my heart. In fear that it will be discarded. I dont want to be that fearful again... i only want to grasp hold of what has been given! so.. even if life happens (and it will) things will come, pain will be inevitable, but joy and true happiness will also happen and i know that God will lead me through both the bad and the very very good! so... Yay! :)

hahaha... GOD YOU ARE SOOO GOOD! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH!!! :) Amen.

have you ever come across one of those "o my goodness... I cant believe I have that in my heart!" feelings?
like you just discovered that your completely emotional about one thing, and then you trace it back to your past and go "ooo yah, yep, there it is, thats why, Im emotional" or "ooo yah, yep there it is, thats why I dont get along too well with myself"
i had one of those moments last night at like 4:something am. kinda a bad time to have one of those, but hey! I love them, so i guess its okay. what i mean is i love it when God goes "o, here it is... now you have to deal with it" because it forces spiritual growth and maturity, and if you're desiring only to live "Christ driven" or "Driven by Christ" then those moments although very painful, become complete and amazing blessings.
but anyways...
my moment came of "ooo!" and here I am thinking about it... and finding a way to deal with it I guess. What God really opened my heart to, is the way I see myself. That I am not loving myself, I am not allowing myself to be loved.
I was listening to a Turningpoint sermon last night at like 1am.. and it was talking about whats in our heart reflects how we treat others in our relationships. I dont think that love for myself is in my heart, I think fear is when it comes to this whole "love" thing. I think the pain of my past and the scars it left behind are bringing me to come to conclusions that arent really there. I love how pastor Jeff said "do not listen to what your mind is trying to tell you" which is soooo true...
Kortney told me to be paitent... she even wrote it in my comments on my last blog as a reminder (thanks kort!) and shes right. Paitence has never been my strong point... but Im learning, and Im trying hard.

FATHER GOD, may you please judge me. Judge my thoughts, my additudes, my desires... take away my fear! cleanse me and purify me from every wrong and unpleasing thought. Please bring me a spirit of paitence, and may your will ultimaltely be done! My life is yours O God... Amen...

fear ... one of those four letter words that hold so much power against you.
i really dont like this word, yet its becoming a day to day struggle of mine... not fear of anything like a spider, or the dark, i guess fear of something that seems to be worse.
i dont want to get into many details, but those that pray... please just say a small word for me...

"perfect love drives out all fear" 1 John 4:18

Ok...so its official... i miss Cam. ALOT!
a lot a lot...
hahaha... yep i feel like the girlfriend that cant be away from her guy for more then a day, but its been two weeks! and i still dont even have a chance to see him until saturday, and there might not even be the possibility of that. so :P, yep thats right i stuck my tounge out at all those that think im sad! ha!
Kort how do you do it? i mean obviously your engaged so its different, but still...man alive! i totally admire you!
i keep checking my email like crazy... to even get an email from him at this point would make me smile eye to eye in absolute crazy happiness, geezzz guys.... i need to get out and distracted! hahha...

God is good... "all the time"... all the time... "God is good"
ok, that seriously brought me back to my youth group days (not like Im not re-living those days now, only im now the leader!) but anyways... random moment, but sooo true!
God has seriously been amazing, not like he ever stops being amazing, but hes just seeming to be extra amazing lately. You know when you surrender so much and then it just all seems to come together?
thats what it feels is happening lately to me..,. that I just yelled out in open arms "I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!" and God said "well nicole you werent meant to try and take it and live it out alone anyways, of course you cant take it anymore, give it to me, im supposed to take care of it for you!"
so thats that!
all I want to be is more like Christ, all I want to do is live out what he has in store for me.. all i want to be is Godly. the Godly woman that I can be.

so I called CBC today! yes! Im in senior housing officially! YIPPEEE!! which means my own kitchen, which means NO ME BEING SICK! (yes!) soooooooo excited. you have noooo idea how excited i am. I love summer, but I love fall and school more, im just jumping around waiting for school.... i love my life, and im excited for hawaii, but school! yeesss! sooo much fun! :)

Gots to read, sleep, pray and be merry! God Bless! :)

so i continue to read my book...i continue to read the words that are truly touching my soul and making me realise the intense love that God has for me, the love that ive read about for years in the bible, the love ive been told about over and over again in sunday school and bible college, yet for some reason this book just puts it out there and brings me to relate to the author and her struggles, the same ones that i believe most women deal with everyday...
i am grasping what this love God has for me is truly all about.... its about romance, God loves me more than anyone else could ever love me! now thats intense! thats so hard for me to wrap my mind around... i mean why is it so hard for me at times to understand that i am loved, that someone can love all of me, including the bad and ugly, including the sins that happen... including it all.
i dont need to be fearful of love, i dont need to fear that love is something temporary, i believe that its not... God will love me with that intense love for the rest of my life, no matter what circumstances, no matter what!!! WOW! thats amazing! truly and incredibly amazing!

"Listen O daughter, consider and give ear; Forget your people and your fathers house. The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your Lord." Psalm 45: 10-11

"Enthralled by your beauty. That means captivated, smitten, fascinated, spellbound, and delighted. That's exactly how the prince feels about the princess in fairy tales. But this sentiment is not fiction. Enthralled is how God in heaven feels about you. He is taken with you. Undistracted. Intensely interested. Emotionally connected. He enjoys your laughter and takes pleasure inthe way you think. He is not bored with you, and he would never consider you ordinary. There is no way you will ever go unnoticed with God. You are beautiful to him. Incredibly, breathtakingly beautiful. When a man feels this way about a woman, we say that he is in love."
** Do you think Im beautiful? Angela Thomas

so i got a new book, and this book is incredible, i just finished the 1st chapter, and im already totally convicted of things, of life, myself and my way of thinking...actually something that was said in this book really touched my heart, really made me think and ask myself if that way is how i view my own life. i think it is, completely without knowing it...

"im realising that half my life has passed and ive spent most of it trying to deny the way God has made me. afraid of being strong for fear of being prideful. afraid not to please for fear of being rejected. afraid to ask the questions from my soul for fear they'd never find any answers. so afraid that one wrong step would ruin everything. afraid to say out loud what my heart longs for... afraid that longings are sin and God wouldnt understand. afraid that i am a woman that longs to be desired, longs to be rescued, longs to be called beautiful."
~do you think im beautiful? Angela Thomas

this book is already making me realise my fears of myself, even the fear of being beautiful and what that may take of me. trust me, i dont count myself as ugly, at least today i dont. but i have gone through so many times in my life where i felt like i could be something more beautiful than i was... that i was ugly, non-pretty. i went through the thick glasses stage, the lots of acne stage, the horrible clothes stage, the really fat stage (several times actually)... probably that last stage is the one I struggle with most. I know now that my glasses make a fashion statement, make me look older, smarter, something that I am proud of. my acne is gone thanks to medication, and I know now how to wear makeup properly to cover up that which I dont want seen. the clothes i wear are picked out with the greatest love for expressive thought and creative character... i love that i get to express who i am with what i wear. but i still feel as though i havent got pass the "really fat stage" I still feel as though every time i step on the scale i fall short... and i always cry and ask God "why couldnt you of make me just a little bit smaller? why do i go through all i do when it comes to what i am on the outside?" thats when i end up crying out "Father God, am I beautiful?" Am I skinny enough???

I really try hard to put out the front of being happy in my own skin... and i can list out many things about myself that i love, truly and with a full heart just loove about myself. I love my baby face, i love my eyes, i love my hair, i love my smile.... I love my feet, i love my height. I just have a hard time with my weight. i recently lost a lot of weight and I think I keep forgetting that it happened, i keep forgetting of who i was before and who i am now.... i feel so afraid of what the next step could mean, yet i want to get there so badly... why? cause then maybe my boyfriend will love me more? cause maybe i will look sexier in clothes? cause maybe i will love myself more? all these things are lies... I know where I am in my realtionsihp with Cam, i know that I look great in the clothes that i have, and i know that when i acheive what I want in weight my mind will find something else to bother me with... so why the fear? why are the lies bothering me so much? why allow it to overtake who I am?
these are questions that I truly hope to find answers for in this book with the help of the holy spirits guidence, i pray to find the strength to keep great health, to stop hurting myself, to understand my own reasons for doing what I am doing... to find a way to banish the fear althogether... the fear is a horrible grasp and lie, it doesnt belong in the person God created ME to be... it doesnt belong anywhere within me, therefore it GOES! far away because I refuse to listen anymore....

I know that I am beautiful.... i look in the mirror and it says it for me... God says it for me, Cam says it for me! I just need to grasp the truth of that statement for myself and in every single part of me...
so... here we go!

i feel really sad right now... i dont like me being sad, and when i was at the movies today i tried to retaliate with eating stuff that i shouldnt, no worries, i didnt get anything, although i honestly was really hungry, yet trying to seek comfort from food (a really horrible thing) is nothing i want to do anymore, God is my comfort
the movie i saw was the new pixar one cars, soooo good! I really loved it, such a fantastic movie, i liked it even better then the incredibles... very funny! very worth the $ to see it...

well.. im hopefully going to be cracking open that book that i want to read so badly that i bought a couple days ago! it should be good, its called "do you think im beautiful?" im excited to read it...im excited to learn from it...

i wish i worked today... to make money, to do something... get my mind off of someone...

i promised not to dwell, so i better go sleep, pray, talk and listen to what God has to say, cause i think ive been ignoring his call to be content and blessed... and because of that im sorry

so i honestly have no idea what to talk about... hmmm.... ive been opening up my bible a lot more lately. its been AMAZING! truly and really. its amazing how much God can completely change your reality. how he can just take your world and turn it upside down with amazing blessings...

there was something that i read in the bible.. i know only that its from james in the message translation, it goes something like this:

"God cares, cares enough right down to the last detail"

that made me cry...
that reality that God loves me sooooooooooooo much, and cares sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for my life that he wants every detail of my life to be exactly perfect, and exactly his.
YAY GOD!
haha... :)
it just makes me so happy.

Cam left yesturday for camp, 10 weeks until hes back home (i would know i have a count down on my calendar in my room) i dont even know if he reads this.. so if he is... i hope hes blushing! heehee...
reading my bible more, spending more time in the amazing presence of Christ, has brought me to the amazing reality of what a blessing Cam is in my life... its not like i didnt know before of the gift i possessed in my relationship with him, but now i can really see, i can really admire that God has given, blessed, overwhelmed me with a true gift.
(for all of you that dont know... Cam is my boyfriend)
so Cam... if you're reading... thanks so much for letting God bless me through you! and for being who you are to me.

so i had a really good day today... went to costco with my mommy and lil bro, bought a LOT of stuff (well, my mommy bought it all) lotsa good yummy stuff... like veggie juice, salmon and steaks! :P making me hungry...
i worked again today... i am so grateful cause my job is so much fun, i may not be making as much as i would like and i may not be working as much as i would like (i would love to work more) but my job is great, im really loving the whole helping people pick out clothes aspect of it all, so much fun! this job is a keeper, im going to hold onto it for as long as i can... even if i need to go down to 15 hrs, im still going to keep it! cause its easy, and so much fun!

i came across a really amazing verse this morning in my quiet time with God. it was in john chapter 15, talking about the vine and how when we allow Jesus to live in us and us in him, us as the branch will grow and be pruned to bear more fruit, and that we are called to bear fruit... i am not so sure which verse it was from, but the whole chapter really opened my eyes to such an amazing truth... it reminded me of who i am, where i am going and who i still have to become
i think that sometimes i get a little caught up in the person i want to be that i forget who i am right now... i forget that who i am today is important, and that yes i want to improve, yes i want to do more for the kingdom, i want to grow to become that woman God has intended for me to be, but he has also intended for me to be the woman i am today... RIGHT NOW!
and he expects me to take care of myself, he expects me to love myself, cause today, this day.. i am still his creation, i am already the woman he wants me to be, and he guides me and teaches me which makes me grow more and more i love the saying that goes

"God loves you for who you are, but loves you enough not to leave you like that"

something along those lines, i guess i feel that way right now, i was so worried and so asking God to make me into the woman i thought he has intended for me to be when i missed that i am already that woman..... that situations and things are going to create maturity and growth, but i am still me.... i cant change me.... cause i am already created, completely created just the way God intended.... so.... i need to embrace and realize this! yay!

I am beautiful... :)

so this morning i woke up and realized that my life is supposed to be lived for God. many may ask... umm.... yeah! aren't you already aware of this? you are a christian, aren't you!?
yes i am, at least i think i am!
but it really did clue in today the importance of how much i truly am living FOR him... that he is the master, i am the servant, he is the big guy, i am the lower... HE IS GOD!
i dont tell him what to do, i dont tell him how to fix my life to make it the way i want it... HE controls it, hes in the driving seat, im the one following.

your will O God, only your will... Amen.

so yesturday i just about had enough... ENOUGH! with this whole painful experience whenever it comes to putting anything delicious into my mouth. honestly i dont know exactly what to do... other then surrender. and even that is a horribly hard thing to do, well not horrible, the horrible part is it being so darn hard! ahhhh...
sometimes i think im kidding myself, that im making up these reasons to be sick, that im just making up how bad it is that im exagerating just way too much. then like last night i eat a nice piece of bread and the pain floods in... i cant help but think at times that its useless, that there are so many things related to this whole "digestive problem" that its going to be impossible for me to peak any sort of normal health...

i went to the "nature doctor" the natropath (however you spell that) and he did whatever it is he did, and kept going back to my problem of digestion, finding things that are wrong.... i felt really hopeless how he kept saying "there is still something there" after already close to two months of seeing him... i sometimes feel like hes not doing anything, until today he gave me this "miracle water" im supposed to take three times a day and mentioned something about the way Im viewing myself and the "social masks" that im putting up are causing problems.... GREAT!! im just my own worst enemy.... im just the person to hurt myself, literally... ahhhhhh... **ripping out hair while screaming**

i guess my big question is... is it ever going to end? am i ever going to find true answers?

then the big thoughts come rolling in...the thoughts of hope, the reality that i have an amazing God, and that he truly loves me and really dislikes that this is happening to me. i dont believe that God made this happen to my body, i dont believe that he planned for my body to react the way it has to what it has been exposed to under the many circumstances throughout my life. he planned for my body to be perfect, and flawless, man alive how we messed that up at the beginning of time...hahha...
so what do i do? i trust... i ask for health, and i learn from the things that God has for me in the midst of it all... i take hold of who i am and what ive been presented with, i take it on with both hands and all my strength and allow it to shape me into the best woman i can be!
i think i need to change my view on it... i need to accept that its apart of me right now, that there is healing that needs to take place and a very strong will on my part to love every part of me, even the part that wants to "screw it all" but make that part understand that i cant... cause i care too much.

God is my healer... thank goodness for that reality! thank goodness for that truth!

so today I realized that its one month until my birthday... YAY! excited cause, well, who isnt excited about their birthday? Im making plans, having a buncha my close friends go out for a nice dinner and then something afterwards, not so sure yet what to do after. Maybe icecream at the beach or something.... sould be good.... should be a lot of fun! Im excited.

i have so much floating around in my head, so many thoughts that is... i dunno if its even going to be worth it to type them all out, you may think Im crazy! hahaah... probably.
i guess whats most frustrating to me right now is feeling so limited. i have so many dreams and things that i want to accomplish, yet i feel as though i dont have the money, to do it. i mean, i have a job! (finally) and things are good there, yet the job isnt huge, i dont get payed a huge amount... i want to work in ministry soooo badly, so much so that it hurt a lot to find out who actually got the internship today at my church for the youth, i am thankful for where i am, who i am, etc... but still... why not me? I have the heart, the motivation... the drive... yet, still.... still not me.... why?
why is everyone else given the chances and opportunites to go after what they dream and i seem as though i cant... as though i keep needing to wait with everything. it just doesnt seem fair, it just doesnt seem right... i just feel as though all those things said to be years before concerning my relationship with God and the plans he has for me, were said to the wrong girl...
that God doesnt want to use me, that maybe i lost my chance.... maybe those prophesies were meant for someone else... I see so much failure and sin within me that its almost a fight to run away from it, only it follows... it keeps following...

hmm.....

i guess this leaves me with "goodnight!", with some pondering....

so Im sitting here, watching star wars episode three with my two younger brothers. the movie is actually not that bad, considering I am kinda a star wars fan, and watching with my brothers is always entertaining because they tend to make fun of things that obviously need to be made fun of. either that, or brandon tends to portray someone in the movie and adds some lines that should have been said.... if you come over and watch a movie with them, or tv, you will tend to know what I mean.

I had my second day at Jacob connexions today. it was a good day...my feet HURT! walking around continously for five hours while putting away clothes tends to hurt the feet. which is understandable i guess... Im not getting too many hours, which is kind of disapointing, yet Im okay with that. Im just glad to be working again. and im excited cause I get to help people pick out clothes. ive had a lot of questions for my opinion.... i love giving out my opinion :)

well.... Im bored, Im tired, Im watching star wars of all things, and ready to go to bed... so goodnight! and God bless.

"this is the message he has given us to announce to you. God is light and there is no darkness in him at all. so we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness. we are not living in the truth. but if we are living in the light of God's presence just as Christ is then we have fellowship with each other and the blood of Jesus, his Son cleanses us from every sin. " 1 john 1:5-7

I love this book of the bible, 1 john is probably my favorite new testament book. Just because it talks so much about living as a christian. It talks so much about living as Christ.... and about love. chapter 4 alone talks so much about the love God has for us and the love we should have for one another.

but this verse above, speaks so loudly to me.... "so we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness" I had lived so long in spiritual darkness, I still struggle with the reality that God loves me so much and wants to spend every moment with me... if I allow him to do so. I have accepted him.... but have I truly accepted the life that goes along with him? once again dont get me wrong, I am a christian, I do love God... and I do want to worship him with every part of my life. but what does that exactly look like?

I think it looks like "living in the light of Gods presence" having conversations with him regularly without a set scheduale, I think it means allowing him to be apart of every single area of my life, even if i struggle to control it. He understands my struggles, he understands my emotions, he understands my frustrations... because he understands me, completely. I believe that my mind is set to see things the way they are "supposed" to be. For instance. I am "supposed' to wake up every morning at a certain time to pray and read... and meditate and if I dont do this then I am a "crazy horrible christian" isnt that legalism? Isnt that completely destructive? because if I do not do what I am "supposed" to do, then I consider myself worthless and a failure. yikies!...

so.. the greatest commandment is to love God.
its not to "pray to God" or "set a scheduale to worship God" because those things, when they are done with a feeling of desperate need to fulfill oneself, are selfish. thats not love. Love is not selfish.
Those things will come out of my love for God.... talking to him, having him be a part of my everyday life, longing to be and spend time with him... those things come out of love.
However, "he will not do my miracle what i am to do by obedience"....
by loving him, I obey him... by worshiping him, I obey him...he will not perform the huge miracle of changing my life if Im just going to sit around and watch him do it, I need to be involved as well. I need to put in work.... I just need to understand that Loving him, is MOST important.

so excuse me as i go and pray.... and have a converstaion with the God that I do, truly, and honestly LOVE!

so you may wonder who that is standing there in both of these lovely images!? well.. its me! there on the right, infront of the Mac store was me last summer August 2005, and that other picture there on the left is of me at the local mini golf in February of this year. So whats different? in the picture on the left, I am 40lbs lighter.
I posted these next to eachother for me to realize and visually see how far I have come physcially in my quest for greater health.... Because for me remembering what it was like last year at this time is almost a hard task, I have decided to just push it aside so because of that I need to continue to remind myself of the days when a size 12 was stretching it, now I walk into my favorite store American Eagle and their size 8 is already too big....
I think my body has had enough time to adjust to my new size... and now I believe since I am back on my super strict diet I may shrink even more.
trust me, Im not complaining.

Although dropping that much weight in such a small amount of time (october-december) was almost the easiest thing ever! it melted practically... it was also the hardest. It was sooo hard in the way that I have IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) I have come to realise how important health can be, and surrounding yourself with people that care and are willing to smack your hand when something that looks soooo good may not be such a great thing to digest a couple hours after consumption....

I find it funny when I tell other people that I have a digestive problem and cant eat most foods, how they say "you're soo lucky I wish I could have that so I can lose some weight!" hahahaha... although when Im in the right mind set I am thankful that what tastes good could cause lots of pain so its necessary to avoid, which means saving me some extra calories. But it is most definatly the hardest fight of my life... you are always against yourself... I at most times become my own worst enemy and I get depressed, emotional (im naturally super emotional), and agressive. If I want to screw myself over... trust me I Know the best way how.
I have recently come out of one of my "screw it" phases that cost me 10lbs of weight back on, lots of pain, lots of emotional turmoil, stress and hate against myself. When I am in this midset, its hard to come out of... I go to food to hurt myself, because I feel so much like I dont deserve to be healthy, its a really horrible roller coaster. My last eposide lasted maybe three months.... I'am determined not to fall back... God has showed me how much I am worth and how badly I had been damaging the important blessing of health

What am I trying to say? Mostly I guess I am venting it out... I have found that if I allow myself to talk about it, instead of screwing my body over then everyone is happy! hahaha.... I have found out that I truly care, I truly want and deserve great health... I can deal with the fact that my stomach doesnt work the way it should, and I realize I can handle a treat every now and again...

so be prepared, if you're going to be a casual reader to hear some of my stories...of a girl that is full of emotion... and that cant eat everything out of the grocery store.... but that loves God!!! and is thankful and grateful for the health she has held onto.