A reflection for tonight

I haven't been more afraid of the future than I have these past few months. Taking steps in the direction of change is incredibly frightening. Especially with an infant on board. The responsibility is tremendous and the decisions seems incredibly "adult" like.

We knew we needed to make a change. We knew we needed to take a risk. We've wanted to move forward for a while and it became apparent that standing still was just that, being still. So... Now here we are. In a place scarier than even a few weeks ago, and I'm surprisingly calm.

So we are praying like I don't think we've ever prayed before. And we are trusting and we are growing our faith although it hurts like hell. Because change hurts, increasing our faith makes us uncomfortable and stepping out of a comfort zone is terrifying.

How will bills be paid? How will we move forward in our careers? When will we have more children? Should I work full time? Part-time? When will I get a job? I LOVE my job and it's becoming more obvious to me just how much I love it.

And yet... Is there more? What else could there be? What other passions do I have? What about eventually buying a home?

So many choices, so many adult decisions to be made. So much stress, pressure, expectation. What if instead we hand it over, put one step in front of the other and let it all go.

What is going to come back?

Well... whatever it is I hope it's going to help us pay the bills.

N.

Happy 1st birthday Edison!

Last night as I nursed my son and put him in his crib to sleep I stepped out of his room and started to cry. Embraced by my husband I expressed how surprisingly hard it's been for me to see my baby boy turn one. I'm not sure why. I look through the photo books and scroll through my phones pictures and my eyes fill up with tears. My son is still with me, he's doing extraordinary things, he's growing up. And he's supposed to do that, it's his job in life to grow and explore and discover. I'm excited for the future but sad that my baby is no longer a baby but now a big boy instead!

I'll get over it. But then again he won't stop growing and each birthday and each milestone that passes by will bring me to tears but I guess that's ok. My son makes my world incredible, he makes it all worth it. I have always known that I was going to be a mother but I didn't know that I was really going to love it as much as I do. I love it! Every. Single. Moment. I guess I just don't want it to end, I'm not ready for this season to end. But I know it's not over, it'll just constantly look different, that's all and that's perfectly okay.

I am so grateful for Edison, I wish him all the greatest things life has to offer. I hope he carries happiness, joy, peace and love in his heart. I pray that he is always safe and finds what makes him truly happy in life. I ask God everyday to create in me the mother my son needs. To lead me to be the mother I'm meant to be and parent Edison in the best and most gentle way possible.

Happy first birthday baby boy! Mommy loves you so so much.


N.