Yesterday was HARD!

Yesterday was HARD! Yesterday I cried more than the past six weeks combined. Yesterday I doubted myself and my abilities, I had no joy or happiness. Yesterday I was falling apart and didn't recognize myself. Yesterday had me wondering if I could ever manage to do this again. Yesterday was a serious eye opener of how difficult this journey of motherhood can be. Yesterday SUCKED!

And you know what? I got through it!

But not without help. My mom rescued me once I couldn't handle the crying any longer and found me broken down in Edison's room. Cam immediately started swaying his crying son with a busted up thumb when he came home exhausted from work. My brother went out and picked me up whatever food I wanted so I didn't have to worry about dinner. And Kortney came over last minute, late at night, with a hug and tricks to share and helped me feel like I really am doing a good job. She reassured me that it is just hard sometimes and that sometimes nothing is wrong so there's nothing to fix. That sometimes Edison just needs to cry to communicate and that every time a day like yesterday happens, I WILL get through it.

So yesterday I went to bed with puffy eyes and was absolutely exhausted, but incredibly thankful. Grateful for my mom, for my husband, my brother and for amazing friends like Kortney. I kissed my son over and over again, praising God for him. And recognizing that I DO have the strength, that I AM a good mother. And that I absolutely will do this again and again because even in the midst of sucky days like yesterday, there are amazing moments like this morning when my son cooed and smiled at me. That's what I'm living for, Edison is worth it all.


N.

I'm Edison's mommy

Yesterday was a BAD day, I was so very weepy, sad and some what depressed. Edison has been crying since Saturday morning and it's felt very overwhelming. He's not colic, my boy is just going through a growth transition (thank goodness for the wonder weeks app) and he's having a hard time with it. But through this whole exhausting stage I'm learning something new about myself.

I need to decide what kind of mother I'm going to be. This past while I've felt like my motherly instincts, my ability to just "know" what to do has been clouded by so many other things. All the sudden, instead of listening to my son and taking my cues from him, I've concentrated on what everyone else and society thinks is best. I've sought only to understand the logistics of things and was obsessing about the thought of a schedule. I wasn't searching for what Edison was trying to say. No wonder we've both been miserable.

These days I've kept hearing that him sleeping on me is bad, his suckling on me is a habit I have to break him from. He has green poop so my milk supply could be high, but then it could be low. I should pump but when and how much? for how long? The list goes on and I feel stressed, overwhelmed, inadequate, and desperately afraid that we won't have that attachment relationship I've been longing for. All the sudden it feels like I'm doing it all wrong. All the sudden I'm questioning if Edison loves me.

Until last night when I realized that the only person I'm listening to from now on is my son and my own instincts. He knows what he needs and if I just shut out every other expectation of how I should mother and ONLY concentrate on what HE needs then our relationship will grow stronger. This is about Edison and I and I'm not going to cloud over that anymore. I'm not going to be overly worried or scared that I'm doing it wrong, because I'm not! Whatever we do will be right for us.

And if he needs to suckle, then he gets to. If he needs to be held then I'll hold him. These are decisions that I get to make with him. I'm throwing everything else out that makes me feel like this is some sort of process or achievement that I'm failing at. This is my relationship with my son and I want to be the mother that listens and makes choices WITH my son.

Being the mommy is still something I need to get used to. It's a role I'm still figuring out. But it's mine to explore, my relationship with Edison is mine to develop and I get to care for him and make choices and decisions that I believe is correct for our individual situation. That's intimidating but good, I need to believe in myself and build up my mommy confidence and trust my mommy instincts and Edison's ability to communicate with me.

So yes, I'm allowing him to fall asleep on me while nursing. He won't do it forever and one day things will change. But for today, for right now I'm his mom and I say it's okay because his little brain is changing and he needs it. And that's ok with me!

I'm doing a good job, I'm a good mom, Edison does love me. Now where's that chocolate bar and my hug? This mommy is crying again :)
N.

Got milk?

Apparently not I, which has been primarily the source of Edison's frustration. Poor guy. He's been sucking away to get milk without much success and here I was blaming other things. Although his alignment I'm sure was part of the problem, but that's fixed now.

Once again my traumatic labor, massive blood loss and low hemoglobin are to blame for my lack of milk. I had an idea that something was wrong. I never felt let down, my boobs were the same size, I was never engorged, and I hardly leaked at all, ever! I borrowed Kortney's pump just because I wanted to give it a try and in two days BANG. Big boobs, leakage, the stinging sensation of let down and a much happier baby.

So now I'm putting Edison on a feeding routine and time him ten minutes of true eating on EACH side minimum and then I pump both boobs. If he's obviously still fussy I offer him my pumped milk to see if he's got enough milk at the boob. We were a little concerned at the doctors today because he's stopped gaining weight so this should help him gain and help me make more milk.

Now I just need to invest in a really good pump of my own, any suggestions?!

This breast feeding thing has definitely been an experience. But I'm determined to be a breast feeding rock star for my boy, no matter what it takes!!
N.

labor reflections

Not too long ago a friend asked me if I regretted the decisions that I made during my labor with Edison. The question took me by surprise, I had never really thought about it at that time. I was still in awe of the little human in my arms. I didn't care how things happened in the end. But now the more I've thought about it, the more I realize that I do care about how my labor went.

Lets just be clear though that I am incredibly proud of myself regardless of how things happened. But I do however hope that if I have the opportunity to labor again then I'll actually get to accomplish the 100% natural birth I intended to have. It was true in my case that I needed to keep an open mind. It's hard when you truly have no clue what to expect in labor and birth. If you have a strong expectation of what you want to experience then you may walk away with some serious emotional pain. I can understand now how easily it could be to fall into a depression over the birth that was rather than the birth that was wanted.

In my experience, Edison's birth was a lot more medical than I had hoped for. I wasn't expecting to have to go on Oxytocin, I read everything about the stuff and knew it wasn't what I wanted. I tried EVERYTHING I could to prevent it. I even told the doc to give me time to think about it before I consented. But alas the benefits at the time outweighed the cons and like I expected one intervention lead to another and there I was getting an epidural. I knew the oxytocin meant stronger contractions, I knew my labor was going to still be a lot longer (10 more hours exactly), I knew I wouldn't have the strength to get through transition and push after hours on the bed with no tub time. I knew I was loosing my focus after 18 hours of solid, drug free, breathing through the most painful cramping hell I've ever experienced. So! I made the decision I didn't want to make and I allowed that decision to be okay. I allowed oxytocin and an epidural to be apart of my birth experience and I'm still glad that I did.

However, if I sit here and think long and hard about it, if I read birth stories of triumph through the natural birth experience, if I come across testimonies exclaiming how amazing the natural birthing emotional high really is then I might break down and cry. That was my intention, that was my prayer, that was my dream birth and it didn't happen for me. I've finally come to the point where I'm mourning that fact. I really didn't think I would have to because I really did enjoy my labor. Yet, just because I enjoyed it and have come to accept it doesn't mean I can't be a little disappointed with it too.

And when it comes to the next one, I'm not scared to have to make those decisions again if I have to. I'm excited to do it again, even if the result is exactly the same. I want to do it again BUT I'll be making decisions to hopefully change the experience far before it happens, far before pregnancy and far before I even conceive. If I can change my lifestyle now and be healthier now then maybe next time I won't have all those complications and natural birth could be in my reach. I want that experience so badly, I really do. I never realized now much until just recently. And I'm sure my doulas could help me get as close as possible to reaching that goal when the time comes.

So if the question is asked again, do I regret the decisions I made in labor? My answer would still be "no... but" I regret the lifestyle decisions I made before pregnancy that influenced my labor. If those decisions were the ones that were different and I had no diabetes, no swelling, no high blood pressure, less complications, then maybe it would have ended the way I intended it to. Who knows? I can't dwell on the what ifs.


I'm always going to remember my labor with Edison as one of the most incredible moments of my life. There may have been medical interventions but I'm still a rock star. My body is still remarkable and beautiful, and that doesn't change!

N.

fussy Edison... exhausted mommy

Is it gas? My milk? The fact that I'm eating dairy? Is it the purple crying stage? A growth spurt? His personality? The result of a rough and long delivery? What in the world has caused my gorgeous baby boy to cry bloody murder on a regular basis and be incredibly fussy? Did I just win the lottery and get "that baby" who isn't exactly colic but definitely isn't calm.

I'm SO confused how to move forward, do I cut dairy out completely (does what I eat even affect my milk), do I continue to give him gripe water (even though he frequently pukes it out)? What do I do? This mom thing never came with a manual and Edison is his own unique individual, so there really is no clear cut answer here.

So this is what Cam and I have decided to do; I'm taking him to my chiropractor. He's had one adjustment so far and I saw no difference until today. He was almost a completely different baby! I'm excited to see what Fridays adjustment will bring in improving his fussiness! I'm seriously hoping that today wasn't just a fluke.

I'm also currently trying to help Edison understand that my boobs are primarily for milk and eating. I have yet to feel the let down sensation on a daily basis, I can barely ever tell if I'm full of milk and I'm never engorged, like never!

So today I started timing Edison on each boob for 20 minutes a boob during the day feeds. When he falls asleep I've been trying to keep him up to eat and then take him off when the time is up and every time so far he's been a happy guy after a few minutes of crying. And if he starts crying again after a while for milk I've been latching him again for another round that I've timed. I'm doing this because everytime he's on the boob he'll eat for an average of five minutes and fall right asleep with my boob in his mouth and sleep like that for hours while suckling every once in a while. It's been exhausting and I'm not sure what's going on with my milk supply because of it. His poop has also gone completely green which I've learnt is because he's not getting the fatty part of my milk. It all worries me because I know that my milk supply is determined by how much he eats. So if he's not eating much then wouldn't my boobs be making very little?

So I want him to start eating more when latched. I know he can fall asleep other ways cause he's done it before and I do feed him on demand so he'll get milk still whenever he wants it. And I'm not worried about his suckling needs cause he has his soother which he frequently takes, the soothie!

I know that this might not be the way you may feel and I've had a lot of mommy friends say to do what works and don't sweat it. But this decision feels right, at least for now it does. So I'll continue to do it, the chiropractor and timed feedings. Now the question remains if dropping dairy will really make a difference and if what I eat really goes directly to my milk? I just don't know. I'll be asking my doctor for sure on Tuesday. I guess it doesn't hurt to try to see if cutting it out does make a difference. I know it's best for my own sensitive body to rid of it anyways.

I better sleep now, Edison is snoring away!

N.

Happy Father's Day Camy!

HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!! My husband Cameron has taken to fatherhood very well. We have an agreement that when he's home then he's on diaper duty cause I take care of everything else when he's at work. So Cam has become a diaper pro! He also is the one who does tummy time with Edison by putting Edi on his chest, Edison loves the challenge. I'm so excited for the day when Edison goes outside and digs around the garden with daddy and gets to go fishing too. There are many special moments ahead, I can't wait!

So happy Father's Day Cam!!! You're doing a great job! I'm falling deeper in love with you while watching you father our son :)

N.

Edison is 1 month old!

Age: My baby is one month old today! Where has the time gone? I can't believe that a month has already come and gone. It's been a real life adjustment but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Weight & height: Edi weighs in now at 10lbs 4oz, that's a gain of just under two pounds. Way to go bud! I haven't measured his height yet.

Clothing: he's still in his 0-3 month size clothes but barely fits some of the smaller ones. I'll have to start switching out some outfits soon and start thinking about what we need to get him in the 6 month size.

Likes: Edison loves his milk! It's probably because he's so little and I'm exclusively breastfeeding but he just cries to be latched so often. I've grown to be perfectly okay with it. I'm making milk for him and if he wants and/or needs it then he should get it!

He also likes his soothie, tummy time with Cam (done on Cams chest), being swaddled, being carried in his carriers, being held upright on our shoulder and looking around at everything when he's awake. And he liked his new bath tub... until I got his head wet.

Dislikes: Edison HATES being naked and cold. He dislikes getting his diaper changed, although he screams less when we use the homemade wipes I make. When he has gas he's not so happy and then hates lying on his back. He only likes his rocker chair for short moments throughout the day so I'd say that he most often dislikes it. He's not a big fan of being in the stroller or car seat. My boy loves being held and loves being cuddled.

Development: Edison has been smiling! It's SO precious and super cute. It's my favorite when he smiles as he nurses. He is so much more alert than he was even a week ago, looking around with his eyes wide open! I love watching him and he's making a lot more sounds. He stares at us when we look at him and it's as though he's trying harder to interact with us when we play with him. He's also sleeping now in his cradle a lot easier so I don't bring him into bed with me as early in the morning as I used to.

Hows mom doing?: I absolutely love my boy! I'm doing good, I'm slowly still getting my strength back. I'm still taking iron pills and doing more than I did before. I'm cutting out dairy now to help with Edison's gas pains but I'm doing it for me too. I also can't believe how quickly some of the baby weight has melted off, it's been a great blessing. I'm so proud of myself! I'm still a little weepy some days but that's okay. I'm very happy in my new role as "mommy".

I'm very excited to see what this next month will bring for us and our precious Edison.
N.

Why I'll never labor without a doula!

Lately I've been thinking how important it is that I stress to you how amazing it was for me to have a doula be apart of my pregnancy and labor experience. I just recently expressed to Cam how much I want both Heidi and Kortney to be my doulas for my next labor and delivery. Granted if they are available whenever that may be.

Now you might think, "why on earth would I need a doula?". And granted maybe you don't, but I'm sure thrilled that I had kortney throughout my pregnancy and Heidi in my delivery room and this is why:

If your pregnancy is your first and even if your a fanatic researcher (like me) you'll still have questions. You'll still have no real clue of what to expect. And to have someone there for you that's educated in all things pregnancy, birth and labor is incredibly helpful. When you're not sure that babe is kicking enough in one day or not sure if that stuff in your panties is your mucus plug or not sure if those pains are true contractions, a doula can help! Kortney was there for me through all of that. I could text or FB message her and in a very short time I'd get a response. Granted I've known her about ten years or so and we're friends, BUT no doctor or midwife will give you that kind of attention outside your scheduled appointment time. Trust me!

And if your pregnancy is your first then you absolutely have no clue what-so-ever what to expect during labor and delivery. However, a doula does! They know exactly how to help with pain management (& husband management), they'll know your birth plan and how to guide you to meet your goals in labor. They know what to look for in your body language that could indicate how your cervix is doing. They know A LOT more than you do with what's happening and how to help. They are there your whole labor and birth and are a huge support system for you and your hubby. Cam actually got to nap during my labor because I had Heidi. When the scary clot thing happened Heidi took care of us both to ensure we were okay. Heidi knew our wishes against the eye drops and asked the nurse to ask permission from me before administering them to Edison. Heidi took pictures of Edison's first moments, she was amazing and an essential part of Edison's birth story.

So I highly recommend that you seek out a doula and add her to your birth team! I know for certain that I'll never birth without one. They are worth every single penny you pay for their service. Just make sure that you connect with your doula and adore her (like I adore both of mine). Because this doula of yours will see you in one of your most vulnerable states at one of the most incredible moments of your life. And she will absolutely be seeing you naked! Because like all my mommy friends know, when your in labor, you're naked!

I should mention as well that the Community Birth Program out of the Jim Pattison outpatient care & surgery center provides doulas in their program. Which means that the doulas who work with them are free of charge to you! And honestly, I can't say enough good things about this birth program it's fantastic!!! I recommend them to all my friends who are pregnant or considering a pregnancy. I'll be going back to them for when Bubba #2 comes along, thats for sure.

Now lets just hope that Bubba #2 doesn't come along quite so soon shall we? This momma needs some time.
N.

And if you're wondering more about how my doulas helped me out then don't hesitate to ask me!! I'm more than willing to share :)

It's a boy!!

Back in December I remember writing a post I titled "What if..." and in it I expressed my thoughts and fears regarding Bubbas gender. At that time I was back and forth in my thinking that I was absolutely going to have a boy and for some reason that thought made me terrified that I'd never experience having a girl.

It's amazing what you think about throughout pregnancy and how your hormones can truly affect your emotions. Even now four weeks after delivering Edison I still have some very strong hormonal moments. Some of which I'd rather not share (pretty stupid what can make me cry these days) but others have everything to do with how much I love my son.

That being said, I'm not sad that my pregnancy resulted in a boy. I'm not grieving the fact that I have yet to realize if my life will produce a daughter. I'm actually over the moon happy and grateful for Edison and excited for the relationship I get to build with him. Some days it freaks me out that he'll get older and might not want me to be apart of his life. He may get married to a woman that prefers her family over ours. He may move far away for a job and never call me (oh the things I think about). Just recently I talked to my mom about some of these fears (she's an expert since she has two sons), and I realized that as long as I love Edison, respect Edison, allow Edison to be who he is and encourage him to make decisions for himself and then support those decisions. Then I have nothing to worry about because our relationship then will be built on a solid foundation.

I'll have to let go, even now I realize he belongs to God, he's a gift. He's not mine to control, not mine to hold onto forever, not mine to manipulate to do what I wish. He will become his own individual with wants, needs, ambitions, desires and it's my job to love, to let go, to respect, to support, to teach (gently), to be whatever he needs. And if I do those things, if I get it right, then there should be no fear for our future relationship. And no fear for any other future relationship with any other child I bear regardless of their gender.

Am I still afraid of never having a girl? Not today. But if you ask me again when I'm in the midst of my final pregnancy and it's my third boy, my answer may change slightly. My prayer now may be for me to have a daughter one day, but if I'm blessed with only sons then I am still blessed. To have two or three or four Edison's in my life would still be my greatest accomplishment and my greatest joy!

When Cam told me in the delivery room that "it's a boy!" I remember crying and saying "I just knew it". And I remember falling so deeply in love with him that all those moments of anxiety regarding his gender were lost and forgotten.

My son is exactly who I was supposed to birth and to me he's perfect!
N.

It's okay...

I need to keep reminding myself that the way I'm doing things here with Edison is OKAY! That it's okay for me to take my time venturing out in the world with my baby. That it's okay for me to spend majority of my days at home. That it's okay for people to come to me to visit. That it's okay for me to take my time and do what I feel is best. That it's okay to take it slow, just like what all the doctors and nurses have been telling me to do. I'm not being a bad mother or a sucky lazy person to go the pace I'm going. I don't need to be comparing my life with other women who do things differently. I don't need to feel guilty or think of myself as a failure.

Right now I'm feeding my son who wants to eat on a consistent basis. So much so that my boobs are always being sucked on. I'm exhausted from lack of sleep and nervous still to tackle things alone without help from Cam. I'm still feeling dizzy at times and weak and I feel it's okay to lean on Cam right now. Although I think going on walks around my neighborhood would be a good thing to start doing by myself.

I've been independent and self sufficient so much of my life. I took a hit when my grandparents died but have gotten back to that place of secure independence. But now I feel scared that I'm slipping back into dependence on others to get myself out and moving again. I honestly feel nervous to do the mommy thing alone right now. That I'll somehow mess up, that he'll start crying and I won't know what to do and I'll be seen as a fraud. It feels as though the fear of it all has defeated me and kept me home. Yet, other factors such as exhaustion is a cause for my home time as well. It's hard to distinguish what is an excuse to hide the truth and what it is I'm actually experiencing. I don't believe that I'm walking the path of depression but I'm sure it looks differently for everyone. What's scary is that I'm not sure what it looks like to me.

Once again I need to keep in mind that "comparison is the killer of joy". And I'm experiencing so much joy with my little man! I'm holding onto his smiles, our quiet times when he eats, my precious time holding him when he sleeps. All of which will change much too soon. There is a lot of happiness here.

So maybe if you end up coming over instead of staying in we could go out for a little while? To the Starbucks maybe? And maybe you can encourage me when my baby cries by saying that I'm doing good. Because sometimes a new mother just needs a friend to help her take the first step and hold her through the fear that it's all going to be so very overwhelming. And I might need your help to remember that it's okay and this won't last forever.


N.