so I picked up the book "captivating" on friday afternoon, last night I started reading it and today Im having a hard time putting it down, even though there are two research essays I absolutely have to get done soon.

This book has opened up my eyes to a huge reality which I have been struggling with every since Cam and I started dating and has seemingly not gone away.
I long, I THRIVE, no.. I desire with every part of my being to be persued, loved, taken care of, protected, chased after and told that I am beautiful.
I desire to be held when I am sick, to be stared at when I am stunning, to be chased when I am busy, to be kissed when I am vunerable... to be protected when I am scared, to be loved when I am angry, to be entertained when I cant seem to smile, and to be told that I am everything he has ever wanted, that I am the angel he has prayed for and can not seem to understand how I came into his life.
I long, want and was created to be... persued, and beautiful.

I do not think that guys understand this longing that most women have, (some more than others) to be chased after, protected and taken care of.
And when we do not feel this way, when our men do not "get it"... it hurts us to the very core of our being.
Yet, I also think that some men do "get it" but are clueless as to how they are supposed to "measure up" to the expectations that some women have.
I hate that Ive even put up those expectations... those which I have torn down.

TRY!!!!! o my goodness just TRY!
say that you love her, say that she is the best thing thats happened to you since take out sushi! ;)
TELL HER SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
surprise her with a date, surprise her by showing up at her house with flowers, surprise her with Ben N' Jerrys icecream... find her and give her the sweetest hug and kiss just because you couldnt stand being without any longer.

I have truely come to realise how important this is to me... that this is the way that I feel and that its okay because I was created in the likeness of God, I was created to be vunerable, beautiful, and a delight.
Praise God!

PS: TODAY IS CAM's AND I ELEVEN MONTH!!!

woot woot! **doing a little dance :P **
I know... Im a dork, but still... can't a girl be happy!? and proclaim her love for her boyfriend, well, I won't be quite that descriptive other then:

I LOVE YOU CAMERON LYLE STEHR!
**heehee**

so this is the word of the day: HEALING

what did you think I was going to talk about??? hhaha... you're probably thinking, "this again Nicole, you always talk about healing... its like your obsessed" YEP! good observation and I probably am, but this is because its so very real in my life that there is nothing else I ponder really, Other than the revelations of Christ, Of course!

last night at vespers there was a song about healing and it really brought me to start thinking again about what it truely means to be healed and to be walking in healing, what I really have started to appreciate is to see myself as a person of healing grace... as a person being healed by God in the grace of God, to not see my "disease" of negative thought or self destruction, but to see the healing which is taking place every single day! I love this revelation of thought...

... I absolutely LOVE Romans chapter six verses ninteen to twenty three, which reads:

19I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves. Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness. 20When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.

LET YOUR BODY, SOUL AND LIFE BE USED FOR GODS RIGHTEOUSNESS!!!
AMEN!
Be Blessed! ;)

although the pain of realtionships are still very real and still a very repeating process, i have discovered that the joys of realtionships continously overthrow the bad encounters.
things are good... life is wonderful... and the darkness of night has brightened with singing birds and blooming flowers. what has progressed you may ask to make me talk of birds and flowers?
the acknowledgement that i am among the fallen in the world....what i mean is that my thoughtprocesses have caused me more harm than good, on most days. I now have to come to terms that there will always be a fight in the way I think, and that capturing my thoughts is a practice i need in every way to learn..
the enemy has made expert attempts in making one feel rotten and distorting their mind to think of themselves as nothing other than the fallen being they are.
ive got news!
I AM WORTHY! and so are you!
yesturday morning i walked into my prayer counsellors office... (you may gasp at the notion that one like me would ever dream of going to prayer counselling, not that "one like me" is even meant to sound like i am near better than anyone else, i am not, which is my point)But if you read in my previous posts you will discover that God has done things in my life that no other could possibly do... healing has been my "foundation word" among others as the theme of my past six months... but what i am really trying to get at is that the thought proccess which i was indugling in was nowhere near healthy... and nothing like what God has been trying to whisper in my ear
so what are the whispers that resound after chasing away the lies????
that I AM LOVABLE!
I AM BEAUTIFUL... and I AM A CHILD OF GOD!
this I know with more than anything now... is TRUTH! Praise God!
when lies seem to be the foundation of your thoughts, serious consequences become what you start to live out... which seep into the everyday of life, relationships and all.
i no longer long to "fix" no longer long to "control" no longer feel the threat of unworthyness and unlove... i recongize now that i am truely a fallen human soul, and so is my scooby of a man, But... I am also saved by the grace of God...
i can not... i REFUSE to allow myself to beleive that all my worth depends and is laid within the boundries of my previous "happily ever after" mentality, which is of itself a falseness, an obvious lie!
To lay the monster burden of dependance and completeness on the man I love is false as well, that is a shoe that only God can fill...
I am WORTHY enough and worth enough to change myself, for myself but most importantly for God and in the basis of God changing me for him... not solely for another human, even if that human is the one which happens to be the love of my life...

PRAISE GOD! another wall has fallen, may it never be built again.

Be Blessed! :)

as i sit here...
there are so many things going through my head.. about life, love, relationships, people. i guess i dont understand sometimes why emotional pain can come so easy and yet be so complicated to understand, or express. there is so much flooding my mind in regards to one of the most important relationships in my life... so many questions unanswered, so many misunderstandings and things i dont believe i will ever understand about him... there is pain, sorrow, deep burdens that seem to never lift themselves off of me. im not entirely sure what im getting at.. or if what i say here has any reason to be said, i dont know what will result from a nights conversation, or if the "dream" of happily ever after will ever really be "happily", i wish that it can and in a lot of ways i believe and trust in the promise that it may and it could. but who would have ever thought that love could be this painful and this complicated?? i thought that you love, and then thats it... life makes sence, yet when in fact it seems that you love and life gets more complicated, the mirrior is infront of you and you dont wish to take a look at yourself... isnt that apart of it all? taking a look at yourself? loving another with the expectation and assumption of personal change? i believe so... in lots of ways i want to change to benefit another, in regards to less emotional trama, less selfishness, less anger, less "blowing up" and less want for myself... isnt that what love and marriage are all about? giving to another your complete self... desiring to better yourself for the sake of the other? i dont know anymore, things seem so complicated when it seems like they could be so simple... love is so hard when it should be so easy... i dont expect answers tonight... i dont really expect anything but a hug and a few tears... i guess i mostly expect another painful episode and another cuddle session with my Columbia girls, nothing has changed so far, so why could i expect a change now? yet the Godly voice still resounds in my ear "stay... I promise..." so that i will do... i still love, i still love very much, i just wish it could be easier.

ps. my eye... sooo much better! Praise God! Because i wouldnt of been able to handle an infection with school going full swing

so here I am... back at Columbia. I am sooo happy that I am back.
I mean I love my family and all, they are great! But I was just wanting to get out and be on my own again. Yippeee... for being here and finally getting back into the swing of things with classes and all, but thank goodness that doesnt start up until wednesday!!!!

news on my eye you ask?
still taking antibiotics for it... its been doing alright, until this morning where it hurts really badly again! :S BAAAAA!!!!
but everything should be well again soon. **fingers crossed**
at least my eye doesnt still look swelled, although Im still not allowed to wear eye makeup. O Well!

Be Blessed! :)

I am officially a gimp, why you might ask? Look at this picture, I didnt post it just because I like taking pictures of myself for fun, but because look at my right eye compared to my left eye. Doesnt it look like Im squinting or that my right eye is just shut a little bit too much? No my eyes are not naturally that way, it just decided to do that on wednesday morning and hasnt gone away! My eye is swelling, and it HURTS, not just a slight itch... it HURTS! It has a sharping, horrible pain whenever I close my eye, squint or slightly touch the surrounding area. I even went to the clinic yesturday where the nice doctor guy said "well, I dont know why your eye is swelled like that, I do not see anything... so here are some anti-bacterial drops just in case!" Thanks kind doctor, I really appreciate that you told me you have no idea after I waited a hour and a half to see you! :P O well, I got the drops, they make my eye sting and nothing has changed but I hope things do... I dont want to drive right now in fear that my eye will all the sudden blur on me, that'd be scary! But this isnt the best part, Ive been biten by my adorable ten pound dog, smashed my finger at work where it completely turned blue and was horrible to bend to having my eye swell up on me and make me cry, which made me cry even more because the crying hurt so much I cried.... yep! All in a week..wow, isnt that sad?
Cam asked me to not do anything else that would cause me physical harm for the rest of this week, ive pretty much covered the basics, feet, hands and eyes.
Pray for me that I dont accidently do something else which would be more horrible I think I might cry again, which I know would HURT! :'(, O the pain of it all!

Be Blessed! :)

Lauren and I spent thursday morning/afternoon together. We went to Tim Hortons because she hadn't been there yet! Our conversation was great.. relaxed and on-going. Its like she never left... Like shes been here the whole time. Im so excited to see her again tomorrow and then shes back for a while in May! Yipppeee....
Lauren! I know you read this:
thanks so much for being such a wonderful, fun, bright, encouraging and inspiring woman of God. I am so glad and excited that we have kept friends for so long and continue to even though we are miles apart.
You are FAB ;)