Damn you red face

I look at myself in the mirror these days and a bright red, bumpy, itchy face stares back at me. It's my rosacea gone bad, a symptom from my lost pregnancy that decided to stick around. It sucks! It's hard to accept when it's the only reminder I have, like a scar that won't go away.


I knew that with every pregnancy my rosacea would get worse. It happened with my mom, so I knew it would happen to me too. But I didn't expect the pregnancy to really bring it out would be the one I wouldn't get to keep. It hurts. Some days more than others but I remind myself of my blessings and emerge out of my sadness.

There will be good days ahead. I can feel them coming around the corner.

N.

Pregnancy & infant loss awareness day, October 15th

Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.


I've lit my candle and as I stare at it I wonder again and again if that pregnancy test was positive, if my symptoms were real, if it did in fact happen, if I truly lost a pregnancy.

It's been a roller coaster ride of emotions, guilt being one as I contemplate how I could be so sad as mothers carry full term and lose infants. How can my six week pregnancy loss compare to nine months and birth? How dare I cry devastating tears as other moms are thrown through the depths of absolute despair.

I feel like I should be all better by now. "It's not like it was a real baby" but the sadness is real and true and my baby was a baby in my minds eye. My pregnancy was full of joy, hope, plans, happiness, anticipation and a start of something new. But in a second it was taken away, lost, ripped out of my hands and heart.

Having children requires such a leap of faith. It requires so much trust in your body to do it's work to produce perfectly. But humanity isn't perfect. Our bodies can fail us and many times in a day I just wish I had childlike faith so my heart can take a rest from worrying if it's going to break again cause I don't want to know any deeper pain than this.

My prayers go out to all the mommies (& daddies) out there who have loved and lost. May peace find it's way into your heart and healing come upon you.

Thanks again for all the love and support.
N.

Happy Thanksgiving

Today was supposed to be the day we were planning to tell my grandparents, aunts & uncle the news that we were expecting. Edison was supposed to wear his big brother t-shirt and we were going to wait until they noticed what it said. Then we were all going to be happy and hug and talk about the future.

But today will be different.

I am grateful this Thanksgiving. I am so happy with my life and the people within it. I am blessed to have Cam and my son. I am blessed with an incredible family and amazing in-laws. I really am happy.

But I'm still dealing with sadness and feeling the roller coaster of emotion regarding my loss. It's been hard, it's been sad to think who that baby could have grown up to be and missing out on knowing that soul. My eyes randomly fill up with tears as I go on with my life. As I hold my son, and I think about what will be missing at the end of May 2015.

But this Thanksgiving I'm going to choose be thankful and happy. I'm holding onto the truth that life moves on and that everything is going to be okay.
N.

My second pregnancy

This past weekend has been really hard. We tried to keep busy with family outings but I think that just delayed the inevitable. I'm trying to mourn the loss of my pregnancy while experiencing every emotion possible. At the drop of a hat I cry, I bawl, I shake in despair at the thought of who that baby could have been. I long to know.

Was it a boy? A girl? What would we have named it? What would the birth have been like? Would he/she have looked like Edison?

I close my eyes and long for God to give me a vision of my lost baby. Please God, please show me who my beloved child would have been. Please wrap me in comfort and peace, please hold my unborn child in your heavens and whisper in their ear all about me, all about Cam & Edison. Please tell them how much they are loved by us. Please show them how much we care. Please Heavenly Father, please.

Most moments throughout the day I feel like I have forgotten that not long ago I was pregnant. And now I'm not. No big belly, no labour, no kicks, no more cravings, no more heart burn, the bloat has faded, the bleeding is gone, no evidence left of what could have been.

I know we'll start trying again soon and I hope I'll get pregnant quickly once again. But it'll never become the baby I lost. My second pregnancy, my six week old angel.

I'm sorry my beloved, I'm so sorry. I love you.
N.

Today I'm sad.

Today I'm sad, I'm crying, I'm heartbroken. A couple weeks ago Cam and I found out that we were expecting our second child. We were so surprised and so excited all rolled up into one huge emotion. We went out and bought Edison a big brother t-shirt, we announced the pregnancy to our families and I tried to plan my ECE practicums around the May due date. I was feeling nauseous, emotional and stupid. Things were good, our tough year of 2014 was going to end with the anticipation of a new family member in 2015. All was well.

But then yesterday when we went to the doctors office my pregnancy test came back negative. I sat in the doctors room stunned and immediately frightened for what that could mean. Dr. Katie said not to worry and sent me for a blood test.

Later she called to report that I was indeed pregnant but my pregnancy hormone levels were too low. There was a high chance that I'd lose the pregnancy and a small chance that it was just too early to test (I knew this wasn't true). I cried, the kind of crying you do that consumes everything in your body and soul. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I laid in bed last night and started praying, I told my tiny tiny baby that we'd be ok if it needed to go and that we loved him/her.

This morning really early I got really bad cramping and lost the pregnancy. My eyes are puffy from crying and my heart hurts but I'm ok. Everything I know will be okay.

I know that it's incredibly early on in a pregnancy to think that it was a baby. But to me and my family we believe life starts at conception. This baby was growing in my belly for six weeks. We were making plans, I was getting pregnancy symptoms, this baby was wanted, loved, anticipated. So yes, it's a loss of a baby and to us, it's a heartbreaking loss.

I know life will move on and there are lots of questions now as to what we'll do next. But today I just want to be sad, I just want to lay down and cry. I want to let the tears flow and know that it's ok to mourn my loss.

N.

Some things you just can't ignore

One thing after another it seems when dealing with children! At least it keeps me on my toes and life is never dull. But this new rash of his is definitely a doozy.

First came eczema, all over his arms and legs, some on his face and back. But now the culprit seems to be yeast. NOOO! Am I surprised? Nope, not in the least.

I've been running and hiding from my own health problems. Like a child throwing a tantrum, I just don't want to deal with it! I just don't want it to be true. I just don't want to eat such a restrictive diet. NO NO NO, I DONT WANNA! *humph*
But then my son started showing signs of autoimmune problems (eczema) and I was faced with it in a totally different way. But I still dug my heels in and resisted the changes because then I'd have to change too.
And once again, NO NO NO, I DONT WANT TO! you can't make me!

It's a horrible thing to admit that you're acting like a child and putting your own child through discomfort because you can't seem to get your shit together. I've been emotionally spent on so many levels this year and this has felt like the last, the ONLY thing in life I could control (my diet). But the funny thing is, I can't control it either because whether or not I like it, if I want health & healing I must eat AIP Paleo (auto immune protocol).

What I CAN control however, is how I act and I can change the way we wash the diapers and be proactive in making sure this yeast problem doesn't happen again. I can make it a priority to seek out Paleo friendly foods and learn to make treats that are safe for my gut. But it starts in me and it means I step up, take responsibility and be the momma I must be for my son.


Left is three days ago once I realized what was happening. Right is this morning after three days of probiotics, coconut oil, essential oils & a AIP Paleo diet. The difference is dramatic and we are no longer dealing with screams and melt downs (YAY!).

I'm thinking my poor son may have my immune system. I better get my act together so if he or any future children really do have such strong sensitivities like me then I'll be prepared. I find it funny how I've rebelled for so long just to have the evidence before me proving to me how important it is that I take my health and my sons health seriously.

N.

Ps. Edison has started picking up the nursing pillow I keep in the living room and handing it to me when he wants milk. It's SO CUTE!

A Younique journey... & Tupperware too!

I'm starting to believe that there's opportunity in life if you seek it. I have been so obsessed in searching for a type of divine guidance that I've failed to realize that sometimes you just need to stop being such a chicken shit and make the decision for yourself. I need to sometimes stop being so afraid of the wrong decision and/or the future consequences and/or possible failures. Instead I need to just run after something I'm passionate about.

So here I am.

I'm officially now a Younique independent presenter. Younique is a fantastic naturally based make up company with much more than just awesome mascara. I absolutely love what they have to offer. I'm a self proclaimed celiac and so gluten free is incredibly important to me and Younique offers many gluten free options. As well, their famous 3D mascara which is now something I can't live without and my new all time favourite.


Those are MY eyes!

If you're interested just email me cnstehr@gmail.com or go here
https://www.youniqueproducts.com/NicoleStehr/

I'm also a Tupperware consultant! Cause if you're going to do something why not do two things at once? :) So email me if you want a catalog, to host a party or need to cash in your warranty on something! cnstehr@gmail.com

I'm really excited for both of these adventures! I want to have fun, meet people along the way and see how things go.

Here's to no longer being a chicken shit!
N.

No, not weaning yet

Now that Edison is a year old I get asked often about weaning him. It's not a question that I mind being asked. It's legitimate to be curious as to the way others raise their children. It's definitely something that I've thought about on my own and my answer is this:

No, I have no current plans to wean my 13 month old son.

But he doesn't NEED to be breastfed, right? If what you mean is does he eat other food and therefore not rely solely on my breast milk? Well, yes. He does eat other food, he isn't relying on my milk to keep him alive like he did a year ago. BUT he is the boy that's always sought comfort at my breast. He's my baby boy that refused soothers, bottles, rocking, and any other method of comfort which is offered to him. He chose nursing as his comfort zone and that's been okay with me.

So... "Simply" weaning him isn't all that simple. There's so much involved in our breastfeeding relationship that taking it away without him being ready in my mind would be so very cruel. And for what really? It's working out for both of us, he's happy to nurse and it forces me to relax in the day and bond with my son. It's purposeful time spent with him.

Why change what's working for us based on what other people might find uncomfortable? My goal keeps on changing, first it was six months, then twelve and now twenty four months. The recommendation is nursing until babe is two years old, so why not?

I never thought I'd nurse longer than a year and here I am with my perspectives completely changed. I wonder how long it'll last but I'm not rushing the process or dragging it out either. I'm trusting my son and giving him the freedom to choose what he needs for himself.

I think it'll be a sad day once he does wean but that's all apart of motherhood right? Moving onto the next steps and enjoying the process of growing up!!
N.

A reflection for tonight

I haven't been more afraid of the future than I have these past few months. Taking steps in the direction of change is incredibly frightening. Especially with an infant on board. The responsibility is tremendous and the decisions seems incredibly "adult" like.

We knew we needed to make a change. We knew we needed to take a risk. We've wanted to move forward for a while and it became apparent that standing still was just that, being still. So... Now here we are. In a place scarier than even a few weeks ago, and I'm surprisingly calm.

So we are praying like I don't think we've ever prayed before. And we are trusting and we are growing our faith although it hurts like hell. Because change hurts, increasing our faith makes us uncomfortable and stepping out of a comfort zone is terrifying.

How will bills be paid? How will we move forward in our careers? When will we have more children? Should I work full time? Part-time? When will I get a job? I LOVE my job and it's becoming more obvious to me just how much I love it.

And yet... Is there more? What else could there be? What other passions do I have? What about eventually buying a home?

So many choices, so many adult decisions to be made. So much stress, pressure, expectation. What if instead we hand it over, put one step in front of the other and let it all go.

What is going to come back?

Well... whatever it is I hope it's going to help us pay the bills.

N.

Happy 1st birthday Edison!

Last night as I nursed my son and put him in his crib to sleep I stepped out of his room and started to cry. Embraced by my husband I expressed how surprisingly hard it's been for me to see my baby boy turn one. I'm not sure why. I look through the photo books and scroll through my phones pictures and my eyes fill up with tears. My son is still with me, he's doing extraordinary things, he's growing up. And he's supposed to do that, it's his job in life to grow and explore and discover. I'm excited for the future but sad that my baby is no longer a baby but now a big boy instead!

I'll get over it. But then again he won't stop growing and each birthday and each milestone that passes by will bring me to tears but I guess that's ok. My son makes my world incredible, he makes it all worth it. I have always known that I was going to be a mother but I didn't know that I was really going to love it as much as I do. I love it! Every. Single. Moment. I guess I just don't want it to end, I'm not ready for this season to end. But I know it's not over, it'll just constantly look different, that's all and that's perfectly okay.

I am so grateful for Edison, I wish him all the greatest things life has to offer. I hope he carries happiness, joy, peace and love in his heart. I pray that he is always safe and finds what makes him truly happy in life. I ask God everyday to create in me the mother my son needs. To lead me to be the mother I'm meant to be and parent Edison in the best and most gentle way possible.

Happy first birthday baby boy! Mommy loves you so so much.


N.

Lamby

To the lady who gave my son his very first Easter stuffie, thank you.

This afternoon Cam and I were making our way through Superstore for our weekly grocery shop. This time around we knew we needed to get a few extra things. We knew that Edison's 12 month pants were getting tight so we searched through the clearance rack and we knew that Easter is coming up so we saw stuffies and Easter books marked down. "Perfect", we thought! "We can probably afford that."

We've felt convicted to trust God lately through the little things as well as the big things. We've come to realize that trusting our lives means trusting for daily needs and also wants. It means starting off the day with a heart of thankfulness and sticking to the goals we've put in place to get us through. So even with the knowledge of extra purchases we said, "only $100 today at the store. It's what we've got in cash already, we're trusting it to be sufficient today." And with that we collected what we needed from our list and proceeded to the cash register.

I was packing our groceries with Edison in the cart and Cam was at the till. The total was over our budgeted $100 and so we stuck to our goal and asked for the Easter items (Lamby and a book) to be taken off our bill. "That will be $98.97." "Perfect!" I thought, "I can always budget Easter things later when we have more of a cash flow."

Cam paid and then proceeded to help me pack our food when all the sudden Lamby was put in Edison's lap by the woman in line behind us. "For your boy", she said and I stood stunned. We thanked her over and over. With smiles and shocked faces we pushed our cart to the exit and tears welled up in my eyes, "she doesn't know us," I said to Cam. "She has no idea what our situation is, she has no idea who we are and yet she blessed us."

So thank you!!!!!!! From the bottom of this mommas heart. Your gesture was simple and maybe to you it was just a $7 stuffed animal but to us it means so much. To us it means we're being provided for, we're being thought of and we're all that much more grateful for it.

So welcome to our little family Lamby!!!


N.

The way things are

Life is inevitably full of thousands of different decisions, all meshing together and influencing one another. Nothing seems straight forward anymore and decisions no longer seem easy to make. Lately I've been terrified of making the wrong decisions, scared of putting our future in jeopardy, scared of not being able to achieve our dreams. But that's where faith comes in. I'm choosing to be faithful and trust in the midst of what feels so very overwhelming.

You're probably wondering what I'm talking about. So let me explain.

Cameron and I are very strong advocates when it comes to the power of education. We believe that when you're educated you have the ability to achieve the type of career you dream about. When you're educated you have choice, you have doors opened to you, you have the ability to do what you most want in life. So we chose to go after education for both Cameron and myself this year and that means all sorts of sacrifices.

This decision has not come lightly to us. We have a son, we have obligations and dreams to have more children sooner rather than later. And to some people (even friends) our decisions seem crazy, irresponsible, stupid and financially impossible.

But we aren't stupid. We have looked at our decisions at every possible angle. We take days (often weeks or months) to decide on something big like this. We crunch numbers, live off of cash from jars, keep track of our money in spending journals, budget every single penny, save in every way possible. We will be doing canning this spring, I'm learning to sew, we buy clearance, use points, compare prices, cut coupons, park the car and take the bus. We buy used, go to swap meets, diaper with cloth, watch out for sales, wait to make purchases and focus on the goals we've set forth for our family. We've put the credit cards away and take on extra shifts when necessary and show up at our parents dinner tables if we're really in need of a meal (that's welcomed by the way).

It's possible. Everything and anything is possible. The biggest and most important lesson in all this for us is having faith in God to meet our needs. Realizing we don't have to want and live according to society's impression of what is "right". We do not need stuff to be happy. As long as our needs are met we can choose to be content in the midst of the sacrifices we make now to obtain our goals later. Goals that include the careers we want, a home of our own, a big yard with a couple large dogs and children running around our feet.

Anything is possible if you set your mind to it and believe God has good things in store. I believe that more now than I ever have before.
N.

Feeding through the pain

Because I love my son and will do anything for him is why I've continued to breast feed. It's not to toot my own horn or to satisfy my mommy need. It's because he wants it and he gets to decide if we keep going. At least right now that's the truth of our breast feeding relationship. And I've got to tell you, right now it's hurting like hell.

I've been spending many months in pain. Like crazy pain. Like "give me back my horrible cramps or let me go through labour again" kind of pain. At least that type of cramping I can deal with, this stabby, burning, stinging, radiating pain I hate. No, I loath. I desperately want it to stop. It doesn't happen all day long but I get shoots of it frequently throughout the day and once Edison feeds on it I am guaranteed tremendous pain for hours afterwards. Every. Single. Time.

So I stopped feeding him on that side and instead I try to pump it. At least the pumping doesn't cause the pain (thank goodness). And I take Advil to help me so I'm not groping myself or constantly walking around braless.

This SUCKS and I want to quit. I want to say "no! Mommy all dried up." But then I look into those teary blue eyes wanting nothing more than the comfort and milk only I can supply. So I latch him another time and hope that some how, some way I'll get answers soon. Because it's far too long like this and has only gotten worse. Please, no more milk blisters, no more pain. I just want to feed my son and look into his eyes and hold onto the experience, the joy, the love that is this whole breast feeding adventure.

N.

Today...

There's a lot I could say but I think I want to just talk about how today I feel beautiful and humbled.

I have stretch marks, a "mommy tummy", shirts that won't fit, pants that are too small, a mind filled with cravings to eat nothing but the "junk". I have glasses that are crooked, teeth that need a dentist, toes that need polish, legs that need shaving. I have troubles with milk blisters (that hurt like hell), feet that hate socks, extraordinarily long hair that sheds and roseca all over my face. I have weird medical issues, "chicken skin", and squinty eyes and an interesting nose! I have eye brows that I don't care to pluck and celiac disease, the list can certainly go on...

But today I feel beautiful. Today I feel like God made me in His image and all those things are apart of who I am and I choose that I will embrace it all. I choose to love who I am in all the glory of who I get to be in Christ and that's an honour. That's grace. I am saved. I am worthy. I am a sinner. I am a mother. A wife. A teacher. I get to live this exact life in all the chaos it brings and in it I get to decide how to live and who to be and I chose to be me. In surrendered faith to the God who created me and gave me this life.

Feel beautiful today.
N.

Edison keeps growing up!!

It's definitely true that the first year of a child's life goes very quickly. My son will soon be ten months old and I'm left wondering where has the time gone? Where is my precious newborn son? How did we get here so quickly? I get giddy watching my son do his latest developmental achievement and I get caught up in his smiles. But that doesn't stop my tears from flowing remembering even just a few months back when he was smaller.

Lately I feel like I'm being told of numerous pregnancy announcements and hearing of many birth celebrations. I'm not ashamed to say that a piece of me gets jealous every time those announcements are made. My heart has now started to yearn all that much more for another precious baby. Another baby Edi, or maybe a girl :)

Don't get me wrong, I'm crazy happy with my son. I'm loving every single moment I have with my boy. He's the most incredible thing that's ever happened to me and watching him grow up is the highlight of my life. But I'm starting to understand in the midst of my joy that there is also sorrow that he is growing up so quickly and is fast approaching toddlerhood. There are tears of sadness mixed into the tears of joy and NO ONE can tell me that I can't feel and experience each side of this crazy emotional roller coaster that is motherhood.

The reality of these emotions are coming to the surface and I fight back the desire to have another baby right away. It's not even possible right now so it's not like we're trying but it's definitely at the forefront of my mind. I'm longing for the joy that comes with seeing my children, holding my children, knowing my children. I've wanted a big family my whole life and so has Cam. We've equally talked about it our entire marriage and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But lately it's like I can't help myself and I talk about it more often again, especially with all the excitement surrounding me with other babies coming into the world.

Does that mean I'll be irresponsible and turn into a baby making machine? Absolutely not! Does that mean that I'll forget the other passions in my life like my career and school? Absolutely not! Does it mean that I'll forget myself and who I am? Absolutely not!

This figuring life out business is sure a journey of emotion, fear, joy, and choice. And at this moment I'm in the midst of experiencing all those things in regards to the fine art of mothering and family planning. Being a mother and having children is apart of who I am and I don't see anything wrong with that. But one of these days I will be done my family and fighting back these emotions for good will be a very hard thing to do. At least today I get to dream about the future and look forward to my next pregnancy, whenever that will be! Today I get to dream of holding another baby (or two) in my arms with Edison and Cam by my side and that's an exciting thing to dream about.

Ok. Phew! We won the hockey game, now I need to go and help my son stand again because that's his new trick and he can't get enough of it.

Damn, I'm so crazy happy!
N.

Sleep well my son, you are loved!

The biggest struggle I've had with Edison has been the sleep issue. Ever since he was born he was waking up every 2-3 hours and it got to the point that some nights I'd be breaking down from complete exhaustion. How was I ever going to cope? How was I going to function? Go back to work? Get a break? Have him go down with a sitter?

I was worried! Obviously.

I kept hearing that I "just need to let him cry". As though having my son scream in bed was the only solution. It was definitely an option I went back and forth with and I struggled to decide whether it truly was the right direction to take.

But after Edison started refusing the bottle and refusing the soother completely, I knew something was going to have to change. His teeth kept coming one after the other and he started scraping them on my nipples. This meant the suckling he was doing was causing me all kinds of pain and discomfort. So I started nursing him and unlatching him after he was done. I'd hold him and rock him as he screamed hysterically and cried himself to sleep. I could only handle it for so long before Cam started to take over and put him in his crib. This was brutal, I spent days crying tears of sadness at the thought of my son just wanting the comfort of my breast to sleep. But I knew, as I know now that this was the best time for a change and he was more than ready for it.

Thursday came and we went to his nine month appointment and talked to dr. Katie about it. She was so encouraging and thoughtful, listened and gave advice and reassured me of my fears. I'm SO grateful for her.

So Thursday night instead of trying to rock him through his tears I nursed him and gave him to Cam and down in his bed he went. Only 12 minutes of tears and he went straight to sleep! It was hard, but such a turning point as well. Ever since that night Edison doesn't cry more than 2-3 minutes if he cries at all! He gets boob/milk for as long as he needs and I only unlatch him when he's completely done eating, obviously sleepy and ready for his crib. He's sleeping longer, better and so am I! I'm SO HAPPY that we took this step and did it when we were both ready for it. I'm so grateful for friends who listened to my fears, offered me encouragement and words of support. I know that struggles will still come with sleep routines and nap schedules and all that. It's far from over, but at least in this moment everything is good.

Sleep well my baby boy, I love you!


Sweet dreams everyone,
N.

Own it momma! (& cam)

Just own it momma. Decide (probably with your hubby) what's best for your baby and do it! Own your decision, stay consistent, be the parent.

A very wise momma friend of mine was very helpful the other night. She said that I need to parent my baby. What a concept! But honestly it never occurred to me that my once eat, poop & sleep newborn was now a fast approaching toddler. He needs to be parented, now, at nine months old. And it's MY (& cams) choice how that happens. MINE! ME! I choose (& cam). WHAT THE??!! It's too much responsibility. GAH! What if I make the wrong choice?!

How did this all the sudden happen?! My boy is quickly growing up. I knew it'd happen this way but it was like I blinked and here we are. My son relentlessly demanding his way when it comes to how he eats and sleeps (so far). YIKES. I'm in for a ride. I have a son who is super determined, stubborn, wants his way, knows what he wants, "me do it" and has me wrapped around his adorable pudgy baby finger. So now I have to (& cam) decide how to parent him in a way that is gentle, yet firm, allowing him room to express himself, yet set expectations that we hope we can peacefully stick to.

So right now, before we make any decisions that require us to "own it" I'm going to process the fact that my son is nine months old today. I'm going to enjoy the nursing relationship we have that's showing no sign of slowing down. I'm going to maybe even cry a little at the fact that my baby is growing and that's exactly what he's supposed to do. I never knew my heart could love this much. I never knew my life could be so blessed.

So I still don't really have any clue as to what to do to move forward from this put Edi to sleep issue. Falling asleep on me latched and hysterically crying if taken off to sleep. He's a smart one my boy, he knows the harder he cries the more inclined I am to stick my boob in his mouth. So now I (& cam) need to figure out for certain the plan and own it! Because we are in fact Edison's parents, not just the milk maid and the funny one.

Happy parenting
N.

Paleo update

Habits die hard and so transitioning to 100% Paleo eating has proven to be a huge challenge here at home. I am however very proud to say that I've stuck to completely gluten free so far this year. It's a huge accomplishment for me and I'm thrilled.

What's getting to me is saying no completely to rice, corn, sugar and every once in a while dairy. I've decided that I'm okay with eating legumes and night shade vegetables. If I get to the point where I'll need to cut those out then that's fine by me but right now I'm concentrating more on eliminating all grains.

It really is grain in all forms that gets me. I still have digestive symptoms even though I'm completely gluten free. Oh well, keep trying right?! Keep striving to make the change, keep loving my body and my life. I can do that. I've already lost approx 7 pounds since January 1st. SCORE! haha. I can handle only one weigh in a month so not to be tempted to make this journey a weight loss one. It's not, it's a "get a healthy gut for life" thing, BIG difference!

Ok. Time for a GF brownie baked with love by my momma. All because I burnt the top of my left hand and it hurts horribly. And chocolate with an GF ice cream topping cheat treat is completely necessary. Yes! Yes it is! Sometimes cheats happen, i just need to keep them in my 85/15 ratio. That's my challenge.
N.


Feeling great!

Paleo Please!

I guess it's some what official and I have every intention in the world to keep it up. I'm eating the Paleo way now. No gluten under any circumstances, no dairy, no sugar, no grains, no legumes.

Occasionally I'll eat corn, rice and beans if I'm feeling good enough to. And every once in a while I'll have sugar in a dark chocolate or coconut ice cream treat. But I will absolutely, never again, not even a little bit, intentionally eat gluten of any kind. Ever!

I had been successful at cutting out about 75% of my gluten intake since August and then this past December I caved. I started eating gluten everyday in basically every meal and I had an overwhelming inflammatory response. My hands would occasionally swell and itch/sting, I would get horrible brain fog, I got daily migraine headaches, cramps, bloat, digestive upset, horrible acid reflux, an itchy rash on my face, acne, the list goes on. It. Was. Brutal. And the only thing I changed in life to cause those things was an increase of gluten, dairy and sugar in my diet. YIKES!

So I started reading and reading and came across the explanations of the Paleo way and I realized this was it. If I kept eating the way I was and kept reacting so harshly to the foods I was consuming than the inflammation would only get worse and over time disease would set in worse than it already has and I would be a very miserable sick person.

So HELL NO!

If you've got questions feel free to ask. I know I've been on a roller coaster of health issues in the past. But this time I'm trying really hard to love, accept, cherish and celebrate my body instead of being mad and depressed at the way it functions. I'm trying to find the true answers to my many many health questions.

After seeing the beauty in myself while pregnant, seeing the incredible things my body is capable of doing, I can't help but treat it with absolute love and respect! I don't care what the scale says or what the size clothes I'm in. I care that my symptoms go away and that my body is healed. That's truly all that matters to me, everything else that may happen would just bonus.














I have never felt more beautiful and more proud of my body than I did when pregnant with Edison! I can't wait to be pregnant again and experience that again.

So anyways, if you have experience with the Paleo way of eating (or even just GF eating) please don't hesitate to steer me in the right direction in regards to recipes, research articles, books and websites/blogs. It'd be much appreciated.

After just 11 days eating like this and I'm already feeling a million times better! I just need to find a way to eat breakfast while Edison screams for my undivided attention in the morning. Any ideas?

Happy healing, N.

Goodbye 2013, hello 2014!

Here we are, January 2nd of a new year and with my baby boy in my arms I'm cautiously eager for what 2014 will bring. I believe this New Years motto for us will be "trust and simplicity", learning to trust God to provide and live as simply as possible to financially accomplish our family goals.

This semester we decided to put Cam through school full time to get his diploma done faster while working when he's available. Finishing his degree is something that is important to us both for our future as a family. We figured since we have only Edison and he's still so young and we don't have a mortgage or many huge financial obligations makes this the best time to have Cam complete as much school as he can. But we will be taking it one semester at a time. Unlike other New Years, this year we are truly taking it one month at a time. I have school to finish, one class and two more practicums that need to be done as well this New Year (so much school!).

I will be going back to work in April as a sub and I'm very excited about it. I have officially told my work that I will not be returning to the daycare so now it's okay I think to let others know my plans. I hope to be placed in a preschool by my employer in September but like our 2014 motto goes, trust in God to provide. We won't know if I get a placement until further in the year so I'm just going to trust and sub and be the best teacher, mother and wife I can be no matter what that ends up looking like.

But what we are looking forward to most right now is our trip to Winnipeg to see some of Cams family! It's going to be SO fun to have Edison meet his cousins Jackie and Ashley and his aunt Michele and uncle Scott. And then to see cousin David again, auntie Jess and uncle Colin. Plus lots of friends who are out that way. I'm looking forward to seeing him play with the kids and interact more with family. I'm just incredibly nervous for the flights. We have a connecting flight in Calgary I think so it's two planes. Anyone have any good tips for flying with babies? Edison has changed and is now amazing at being out and about but he's teething horribly right now and crying more than normal. We may just be the family nobody wants to be around on the plane (oh well!).

So yah, lots of unknown this year but that's fine with us. We choose to be positive, trust and love this year. It's going to be good.

Goodbye 2013, hello 2014
N.