Sometimes pregnancy is hard

I've been feeling the need to express the difficulty I'm experiencing this pregnancy. It's overwhelming at most times, encompassing and dibilitating. What is happening? How can I accomplish my responsibilities? How can I be a good mother? A good wife? A good teacher? A good friend? 

God help me. 

I've been experiencing serious sinus congestion since September 28th. I just quite literally woke up one morning with a cough and stuffy nose that has gotten worse and refuses to go away. It's gotten to the point where I cough so hard I end up throwing up. And now the pressure in my sinuses has gotten so bad my teeth and ears are regularly affected. I'm constantly blowing my nose. I can't smell or taste anything. There's no pain, no sore throat, no body aches, no fever, no sickly feeling. Just straight up awful congestion and the worst part is that because I'm pregnant I can't take anything. Even giving me antibiotics for a possible sinus infection is putting my baby through unnecessary medical exposure because if it is viral antibiotics won't work. So yippee for me.  

It is through this experience that I realize how powerless I feel. It's so easy to fall into a mindset where I believe I can't possibly be a good mother. I can't possibly be doing enough in my home or at work. I can't possibly be handling this right. I should be doing more with Edison. I should be doing more at work. I should be cleaning more, doing laundry more, staying ontop of grocery shopping and meal planning. I should... I should... 

I should be taking care of my body more.  I should be eating better. I should be walking every day. Okay, maybe every other day at least. Surely I shouldn't be relaxing as much as I am. I should be handling this better. 

If I can't do this well then how in the world can I take care of my son and new baby? How in the world can I manage? 

God help me. 

Sometimes pregnancy can be so damn hard and overwhelming. Sometimes everything just feels so impossible. 

N. 

My anxious mind

It's honestly been much more difficult for me this round to enjoy every aspect of this pregnancy. I'm very happy to be pregnant and the anticipation of this life coming into our family has been wonderful. But I've been anxiously scared along the way. 

Now with the worry of what sort of bug and/or infection is plaguing me at the moment. I'm once again terrified that baby bean is in trouble. I sit waiting and hoping that I'll feel movement to get some sort of mental relief. I pray and sit bringing myself back to a place of peace. It's exhausting to stop myself from thinking the worst.  

This is the aftermath of miscarriage. This is a mothers anxious mind after loss. I know that the possibility is there. I've felt just a taste of the heartbreak. It's hard to forget, to trust and give it over to the divine. But I'm trying. 

Only 23 weeks left to go. 

N. 

15 weeks pregnant!

How far along: 15 weeks! 

Size of baby: navel orange (11cm) 

Weight gain/loss: went to the doctor a week ago and found out that I haven't gained a pound so far. I'm definitely glad for that and hope I can keep it up. 

Maternity clothes: I'm in maternity clothes 100% of the time. I'm needing to get more shirts so I hope to get back to the mall soon. Plus a friend is letting me borrow her maternity stash. I need to get to her place to pick it up. 

Movement: not sure what I'm feeling lately.  Sometimes it's a pressure type sensation and sometimes not so much. I'm just waiting for definite flutters. I can't wait got the flutters. 

Sleep: I'm not sleeping very well because of all the coughing I've been doing. I've been sickly for over a week now and it's been really annoying. I'm not getting any better even with diffusing essential oils on a regular basis. I'm coughing up phlegm constantly but I can't get it out so it's hanging out in my lungs and I'm positive that's not good. 

Cravings: gummie candy! Please someone give me some sugary gummie candy, lol. 

Symptoms: heartburn is the worst! I'm chewing tums and taking Zantac every day. My face is looking AWFUL, thank goodness for makeup. My hips are just starting to hurt this weekend. 

Best moment of the week: When I saw my parents on Saturday and my Dad immediately rubbed my baby belly and talked directly to Bean. I loved that. 

Also, according to Edison 9 times out of ten he says he's having a sister! 

Another week gone, only 25 weeks left! Wow! This is going by fast. 

N. 

One year ago today...

One year ago today I was in my doctors office and sat nervously as I waited for my doctor to burst through the door with an enthusiastic "congratulations". Unfortunately; that did not happen. 

"So we think we're pregnant?" My heart sunk into my chest, I could feel it racing, blood flowing, everything in me wanting to collapse into a heap of tears. 

"Your pregnancy test came back negative," she said. "But don't panic. It might be too early to test." 

But I knew. I knew my dates, I have always been diligent in writing them down. I knew it wasn't too early. I knew my symptoms weren't as strong as they were weeks prior. I knew what this meant and I was devastated. 

I went for a blood test shortly after seeing her. She wanted to see my hormone levels and said she'd call that night with the results. I remember staring out the window while a friendly nurse took my blood. I remember feeling numb, as though that needle didn't exist. The drive home was quiet. My mom cooked us dinner that night and I waited for my phone to ring. 

Cam decided to take Edison out for a walk before bed and while they were gone it rang. I leaped for my phone and ran down the stairs to talk alone with my doctor. "I'm so so sorry Nicole, you are pregnant. But according to your blood results your pregnancy hormone levels are too low. I'm afraid your pregnancy has not made it past four weeks gestation. According to your dates you are over six weeks pregnant. Are you sure your dates are correct?" 

"Yes" 

"I'm so so sorry, but your pregnancy isn't viable. You should start bleeding soon." 

She stayed on the phone with me for about twenty minutes as I cried. She kept saying sorry. She told me that I didn't need to wait to try again but that if I did want to wait that was okay too. In that moment she was the exact person that I needed to tell me the information that I needed to hear. She was incredibly supportive, like a best friend would be. She was genuinely sad for me. I am forever grateful to her for that. 

I spent that night crying. I cried like I've never cried before. I told my baby that he/she could let go and that we would be okay. I didn't expect to get any sleep that night but all the tears somehow put me to sleep. A few hours later I woke up to pain and bleeding. That was it. My baby was gone.

I realize that to some my baby may not have been a baby at all. I never got to hold it, feel it move in my womb, see it on the ultrasound monitor. I don't have any evidence of it's existence other than the scar left on my heart. But my pregnancy was a pregnancy. My baby had every intention of becoming my second born child. I'll never understand why it had to be this way but I trust Gods goodness and believe in His faithfulness. 

I would never compare my loss to that of a full term pregnancy loss. But my loss is still a loss and has still left a very very real mark. I spent countless hours crying, countless moments praying and absolutely fell into depression because of it. I thank God, my husband and son everyday for their grace and mercy to help me see the beauty in my life again. 

One year ago today I lost something precious to me but today I'm blessed by my third pregnancy and the little one dancing healthfully in my womb. I may be scared to death most moments that I'll loose this one too but my trust is in my God. I'm so damn grateful for this life and my babies. 

N.

Pumpkins tree in it's new home in our new backyard. This tree is my healing tree and everytime I see it I'm reminded of my angel baby. 

13 weeks pregnant!

How far along: 13 weeks! 

(Picture taken at 12 weeks +4 days) 

SECOND TRIMESTER! Wahoooo. 

Size of baby: peach (7.6 cm long) 

Weight gain/loss: currently I do not care. I'm sure I've either gained a few pounds or I'm exactly the same as I was at the beginning. I was feeling so awful the first trimester that I ate anything and everything I could handle to help me feel just a little bit normal. 

Maternity clothes: I have a sorry excuse for a maternity wardrobe. I bought two pairs of maternity pants on the weekend but one is too big which means it'll probably be good for my third trimester. I got the pants for 50% off the sale price! $25/each. Such a great deal. And I bought a great jacket too! I've scoured the maternity stores but will keep looking for some great, light weight, comfy options. 

Movement: can you believe that I've been feeling rolling in my lower tummy since ten weeks? So crazy! No flutters yet and no obvious kicks but I'm definitely feeling something and I absolutely love it! 

Sleep: I'm not looking forward to the sleep deprivation that is to come. Especially since Edison finally started sleeping through the night back in March. Currently I'm waking often (about 2-4 times) to pee but we've got an ensuite now so it's not so bad.  

Cravings: so many cravings for sweets like sugar gummie candies & doughnuts. I'm not giving in all the time, just occasionally.  

Symptoms: heartburn is so so awful but I believe changing my diet can help that. The nausea this pregnancy has been HORRIBLE, so so horrible. My roseca is bad, flared and all. I'm huuuuge already, haha. I'm tired but I'm starting to get more energy back which is nice. This pregnancy is so different from Edison's so far. 

Best moment of the week: When we went to the ultrasound and saw baby bean (Edi came too). We were thrilled to learn that babe was a whole week older than expected. I got to skip entirely over week 11 and went straight to week 12 and now I'm just starting week 13. So excited, it's going fast! 

I'll try and post updates. I love having them for me to look back on but I'm also excited to share about baby beans progress. 

And just in case you were wondering... 

NO! We're not finding out gender. You'll have to wait along with us.

Blessings, 

N. 

Baby Bean is on it's way!

It's with much excitement that we announce that we're pregnant again! Due April 5th and are thrilled. This pregnancy has taken a lot of tears and time but also shown us patience, love, perseverance and faith. I am incredibly grateful. 

But it's with a cautious heart that I post our ultrasound picture. I'm fully aware this picture and announcement can be painful for some wonderful women I know experiencing the sting of infertility and frustration of a long wait for their positive pregnancy test. These women are on my heart and in my prayers. 

I can't help but remember just weeks before I got pregnant with bean, crying over a friends pregnancy announcement. I was thrilled for her but felt overwhelming grief that I should have my pumpkin (my lost May baby) in my arms. I'm not sure when that pain will go away but I remember the pain every so clearly and mourn with friends who have lost or who are struggling to concieve. This whole motherhood journey is a tough one. 

So to those woman on my FB, reading my blog posts. I'm sorry you're experiencing the grief of loss or the sting of infertility. I'm praying for you. I understand if you unfollow me, I understand if you just can't see me right now. I'm not offended. 

The reality for us this time is that it took us a miscarriage, 9 months of trying and many tears to get to this point. It wasn't easy to get pregnant this time. I believe it's happened at the right time but that didn't make the journey any less painful.

So with my joyful announcement I am grateful for the love, the congrats, the support, the prayers and ask that you pray for baby beans health. Because like I said to Cam last night, "I can try my hardest to disassociate myself from this life "just in case" but no matter what happens I'm this baby's mother. Now, today and for eternity and I'm madly in love." 

I'm beyond grateful, I fall to my knees in thankfulness because I believe it's only by Gods grace that I get to experience the joy of this life. My rainbow baby. 

N. 

Moving on...

I thought that moving this time would be no big deal. We've got a great place to look forward to, lots of space to grow and it's just us. No more "I'm still living in my parents home" with the explanations as to why. There are great blessings ahead. 

But this move has also got me all teared up. My baby boy came home from the hospital to this house. He had all his firsts here. First steps, first Christmas, first words. All documented within these walls and now we move on. It's sad. It brings me to tears but I know that's just the sentimental part of me not wanting to let go. But I will and I'll be joyful in the new space. I'm allowed to be sad and I'm allowed to feel sadness and cry and experience it. But only for a short while so I can live in the now and be excited for the new. 

So much change happening so quickly but that's quite alright. 

N. 

This day in May

Today is the day, the due date of the pregnancy I lost back in October. The due date of my second pregnancy and as brief as it was it it has made a lasting impact on my heart.

Today I want to celebrate. I want to smile, laugh, be joyful and anticipate the future with my son and my husband. I want to trust and be still in the knowledge that my future is being prepared for me.

As I reflect on the past nine months I realize I've accomplished a lot. I wanted the time that I would have been pregnant to have meant something. I wanted my loss to have rather been my motivation to move forward and not have been my excuse to crumble in a ball paralyzed in life.

If I was pregnant these last nine months I would have never completed my last two practicums. I would have never met the wonderful women I have worked with. I never would have met the children who captured my heart. I would have never had the transformation I've had in my philosophy of early childhood education. It has been such a blessing in my career to have had these experiences. I'm a better teacher because of them.

And It is through my last practicum that we found our new home. If I was pregnant and had not done my practicum we never would have found our new home. The home we've been waiting for, praying for and are beyond excited to move into. A blessing that has everything we've been longing for in a home. Including outside space for my boys.

So although my heart still hurts, especially when seeing the photos of brand new babies on my FB feed. I stop and remember my gratitude for last nine months. I say a prayer and believe that my time will come. Whether it be soon or months away, my opportunity to add another little to our family will come. I'm trusting that the timing will be exactly as it should be. But of course it doesn't fully take away the sting of the loss we experienced.

You my love, my pumpkin, my lost May baby. I will forever love you. I will forever carry you in my heart. I will always wonder who you would have been. I hope on this day you are dancing in the heavens, celebrating what could have been your birthday.

N.

May, please take your time coming

It's the end of April which means before I know it May will be here and along with it will come Edison's second birthday, Mother's Day and the end of my third and final practicum for my ECE certificate. It will be busy, joyful, stressful and a huge sigh of relief.

I'll be glad to be busy, distracted and frequently surrounded by family. Not only because of the events that will take place but because May 28th was supposed to be a day to be greatly anticipated. It was my due date for my second pregnancy and that loss is hurting all over again. I find myself crying, I catch myself breathing deeper and feel the weight of that date close to my heart. Grieving an early miscarriage is so hard and complicated. It's unfair and incredibly painful. It's confusing and causes me all sorts of anxiety. My heart aches. My mind spins. I can't help but wonder what could have been.

You my love... are my favourite what if.


N.

2014 reflections

I remember this date last year being really scared for what 2014 was going to bring Cam and I. We had just made the decision to put Cam into full time university so he could finish his diploma and graduate as soon as possible. We had no clue how we were going to successfully navigate the year financially. Now that I look back I'm amazed that we made it! With even a few funds left in our bank account. God is so so good!

This New Year's Day 2015, I'm not as scared as last year. We're going through another full year of Cam in school full time. But now I'm finishing my school too. We have a lot of hope that the end of this year will bring us both a lot of joy seeing our careers reach new levels of success. I'm so so excited to graduate with my certificate in June and even more thrilled to move onto starting my infant/toddler portion of my ECE diploma sometime in 2015. I have so many career goals now that I actually believe in myself once again and have the confidence to move forward. I'm excited for what God has in store for me as an ECE teacher and hopefully one day an ECE professor teaching future ECE educators. Dream big right?

But no matter how hard and stressful it felt in 2014, having my son grow up in the midst of it all has been the biggest delight. Last year Edison learned to pull himself up, crawl, talk (a little), walk and play. He started feeding himself, exploring foods and textures. He started making it even more apparent what he wanted at all times. He's kept up his love for boob milk with no end in sight. He's shot up to the 95% for length and 90% for weight. My baby turned into a "big boy" in 2014 and I couldn't be more proud.





But we also experienced unbelievable joy in 2014 mixed when we learned we were pregnant with number two in September. Unfortunately, that joy came crashing down to complete despair when I got the phone call that I was loosing our baby on October 1st. October was the most dreadful of all the months in 2014 but we pressed on with hope for our family. I'm moving forward and being proactive in taking steps to help my heart heal. I wanted, prayed, hoped and longed for that pregnancy. It has been a process to heal, trust and believe I'll get another chance. I'm making so many changes to better myself this New Year!

I anticipate and have faith that this New Year 2015 is going to be extraordinary. It's going to be so so good in so many wonderful ways.

So *cheers!* to a New Year and a new start. I wish you all many beautiful things this New Year.

N.