so.. I hate my doctor...okay hes a nice guy, i'll give him that. but does he even listen to a thing I say?? NOPE! he just nods his head, scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands me some drugs that I absolutely refuse to take. because he was seriously not listening to what is going on.
i have abdominal pain every day... I am always feeling like I need to throw up and other things I will not mention, but he didnt listen to that. he said "here is some zelnorm, see me when your done it"
NO!
ive heard things about zelnorm.. and I honestly dont want to do that, i want a diagnosis, i want a doctor to listen to what I am saying and care about it... I want someone to tell me "yes! here is it, there is something wrong" instead of feeling like Im the only one in the world that feels like crap, instead of feeling like what i am experiencing is all in my head... AHHHH!!!
okay thats my screaming of anger frustration.
I cried.... actually i bawled my eyes out when I got outta that office and into the car. my mom asked what I thought and I said "a new doctor!" so here i go on a search for a female doctor that wont look at me like im nuts when i tell her things im going through and who will tell me that i am not alone in it and suggest some sort of testing to make sure.
anyone want to share their doctor?
and right now that doctor appointment came at the worst time.
When I am sick with some sort of cold, flu or virus thats making me feel like crap...and when you feel sooo sick all you want is comfort food, and let me tell you brown rice and chicken is not comfort food. So Ive been bad with my eating these past couple of days... I just dont feel good.... so why try and feel better?
That silly doctor has made me feel so much like there is something wrong with me mentally, i know that this isnt true. BA!
But there is no excuse, I have been placing so much on my health that I have come to loose sight of God. This I completely regret... to focus so much on my IBS has been the most unhealthy thing to do. Cause in that I have lost my spiritual health and that is most important. I need so desperatly to get that back.... please think of me in your prayers!
FATHER GOD... FORGIVE ME! Amen.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
Monday, July 24, 2006
thanks so much Kortney and Dara for what you wrote in my comments on my last post. I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday and Im going to complain a lot more and get more testing done... hopefully something will show, hopefully I will get some answers, some real answers.
Yesturday was Brandons birthday, and so like we always do we went out to eat. I had previously been to Montanas that afternoon and unfortuently they put cheese on my salad (stupid cooks) so I was already feeling really gross, so I thought "hey why not get something I really want, Im already feeling like crap" so I did. And man alive! horrible HORRIBLE pain. So bad that I couldnt sleep... so bad that all I wanted to do was lie and moan and puke, really really bad. And then this morning when I woke up, I was a lot more nauxious feeling accompanied with dizzyness, blurred vision and other sort things. I hardly ate today cause it was so hard to....
BA! I yell in frustration... yes its my fault cause I was stupid yesturday and ate badly, but did I get heat stroke today? or are there other symptons that I need to add to my long list??
today is Cam and I five month! :)
yay... and this week he is home wed-sun, a nice long break for him from camp. I am so excited to see him. I am so excited to finally get to see him more then just once this week. Yay! :) big smiles for me.
I was reading Psalm 139 last night... it brought me to tears to realize the tremendous love God has, I cant even begin to imagine it. I cant even begin to understand it, although I am trying hard to... I keep talking to Him, I keep trying to listen to what he is saying, I feel so lost... so not who I am, almost like Ive lost myself. I guess Im just seriously overwhelmed....
time for prayer... God truly is good.
Yesturday was Brandons birthday, and so like we always do we went out to eat. I had previously been to Montanas that afternoon and unfortuently they put cheese on my salad (stupid cooks) so I was already feeling really gross, so I thought "hey why not get something I really want, Im already feeling like crap" so I did. And man alive! horrible HORRIBLE pain. So bad that I couldnt sleep... so bad that all I wanted to do was lie and moan and puke, really really bad. And then this morning when I woke up, I was a lot more nauxious feeling accompanied with dizzyness, blurred vision and other sort things. I hardly ate today cause it was so hard to....
BA! I yell in frustration... yes its my fault cause I was stupid yesturday and ate badly, but did I get heat stroke today? or are there other symptons that I need to add to my long list??
today is Cam and I five month! :)
yay... and this week he is home wed-sun, a nice long break for him from camp. I am so excited to see him. I am so excited to finally get to see him more then just once this week. Yay! :) big smiles for me.
I was reading Psalm 139 last night... it brought me to tears to realize the tremendous love God has, I cant even begin to imagine it. I cant even begin to understand it, although I am trying hard to... I keep talking to Him, I keep trying to listen to what he is saying, I feel so lost... so not who I am, almost like Ive lost myself. I guess Im just seriously overwhelmed....
time for prayer... God truly is good.
Friday, July 21, 2006
so hello to all who read this... its late, and although i left nantinas house early to go to bed early i guess i never actually got to the "bed" part of it all. just the "lets check my email" part, which turned into two hours of doing things i cant even remember online. o well... at least i didnt waste my time with gold miner like i always do (reminds me of cam)
so once again... i got a sore tummy, yes i know, its my fault and yes i know i am complaining... but if you dont like it, stop reading! :P i tried my "rice bread pizza crust" its wheat and gluten free, but frankly i guess thats just not enough for my silly stupid digestion system. o well.... life goes on and here i go taking another two of my pills.
BA! i just wish that i was normal already... or at least physically normal.
other then the one cheat I had with a little icecream and one cookie, everything seems to be okay... that cheat though did cost me big time with a sore tummy for a couple of days. sooo not even worth it. especially when i can go and buy brown rice icecream and cookies, which reminds me to pick some up tomorrow! :) yummies!
so other then the whole complain of health issues, life is pretty much normal.
and since its getting closer to 1am im going to cut this really short... Good Night! Sleep Tight! :)
GOD BLESS!
so once again... i got a sore tummy, yes i know, its my fault and yes i know i am complaining... but if you dont like it, stop reading! :P i tried my "rice bread pizza crust" its wheat and gluten free, but frankly i guess thats just not enough for my silly stupid digestion system. o well.... life goes on and here i go taking another two of my pills.
BA! i just wish that i was normal already... or at least physically normal.
other then the one cheat I had with a little icecream and one cookie, everything seems to be okay... that cheat though did cost me big time with a sore tummy for a couple of days. sooo not even worth it. especially when i can go and buy brown rice icecream and cookies, which reminds me to pick some up tomorrow! :) yummies!
so other then the whole complain of health issues, life is pretty much normal.
and since its getting closer to 1am im going to cut this really short... Good Night! Sleep Tight! :)
GOD BLESS!
Monday, July 17, 2006
okay, so this is me! (obviously) playing with the digital camera I got for my birthday.... dont I look great? hahaha!! Dont you worry, all my kisses are saved up for Cam! so ive been complaining over and over again i know... and i apologize.
having the food restrictions that i have, i guess i have a right to complain... but truly, i am happy! really! i am. Im losing weight again, so that makes me excited... it melts away, i dont even notice it until my mom tells me, hahaha.... so yay! for that. at least there is something great about this... i actually suntanned in a bikini the other day, got darker, but ive never done that before.... im happy to do it again! hahaha... i burnt my tummy a little bit.
things are great right now.. God broke me down on sunday, he broke me to my core. i ended up crying, and praising, then falling asleep from all the emotion. i guess hes just showing me the truth of what ive been allowing myself to believe, all the lies in my life that i have listened to... thank goodness that God is so darn good! :)
Actually, I think I wanna go and talk to him again.... Goodnight!
Thursday, July 13, 2006
its been a week...one week officially that ive been on this new IBS diet. everything has been a hit and miss when it comes to food and the affects with my digestive system i cant eat soy milk :'( which sucks cause I love it so much, i tried it and no luck and i found this delicious oat/flax cereal that i love, but again no luck, it hurts too much to eat.... ba!!! so frustrating
but yay to the new rice milk icecream that i found that is so far so good with my digestion! so yay!!! soo happy about that, and its delicious! :) so at least i have one of my favorite foods back, even though its not the real stuff.
its been hard though these past couple of days...
ive been getting cravings, and getting frustrated with everything... but thats going to happen, its just apart of life and apart of the process of dealing with it. Im getting used to all the powder drinks and the pills. they're fine. Things are going to get better... i can already tell! so a big YAY! :)
PRAISE GOD.. thank you so much Lord that you are healing me!!!!
but yay to the new rice milk icecream that i found that is so far so good with my digestion! so yay!!! soo happy about that, and its delicious! :) so at least i have one of my favorite foods back, even though its not the real stuff.
its been hard though these past couple of days...
ive been getting cravings, and getting frustrated with everything... but thats going to happen, its just apart of life and apart of the process of dealing with it. Im getting used to all the powder drinks and the pills. they're fine. Things are going to get better... i can already tell! so a big YAY! :)
PRAISE GOD.. thank you so much Lord that you are healing me!!!!
Saturday, July 08, 2006
okay.. so firstly PRAISE GOD! cause he totally did something incredible for me the other day... let me explain.
as you will, read the post previous to this... go on.... just read it... or at least the beginning of it.
did you read it?
if you did then you can come to this post with the understanding that i go through a lot daily when it comes to my health. that i have a digestive problem that causes frustration and overwhelming times of feeling as though giving up is the correct answer. in the post before i felt utterly hopeless... i felt like no one could ever understand and that there were no answers. i cried out to God over and over again for healing, for something, anything that would help. and once again PRAISE GOD! cause he brought me help! :)
a couple days ago i walked into Choices market. which is a huge organic food store. and thankfully they have a registered nutrionist working there that specializes in IBS and has it herself.
**can you see me smiling!**
when i first started talking to her, she could see that i was desperatly unaware of what is going on and what i need to do.
so.... right then started my health lesson. And right then i was pushing back the want to cry with joy that i have finally FINALLY found someone who understands and is telling me that whats going on is real and that she has answers. real answers, true answers and that I can HEAL! YES! :)
so this is the drill.... no wheat and dairy. NONE, nothing... not even a little bit... not even a smudge. none at all... for at LEAST six months, and even after six months, very very very little... so practically nothing for a whole year..
I am now taking eight pills each morning along with a fibre drink, another intestinal cleanser drink in the afternoon and two pills right before I go to bed.
I am only allowed approx. 1 cup of brown rice a day (the only carb im allowed other then veggies and fruit)
and no red meat.
yep! its going to be hard. as you can plainly see. BUT she said that if I chose not to do this, if i just decide that its too hard... then there will be horrible consequences, she asked what was happening sympton wise and she was really shocked that I had done nothing until now. She said "YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.. SUCK IT UP AND DO IT... YOU HAVE TO!"
that did it for me... she said that if I dont do it, then my colon will shut down in a couple of years, meaning colitis, meaning not having the health to have kids, meaning horrible things down the road... this scared me, scared me soooo much!
its enough to make me suck it up and deal with the fact that this is real, a lot more real then I realized.
so.... no more "cheat days" for me, they no longer exist.
but when I look on the bright side, true health and healing is right around the corner! I will never be completely without it, I will always have IBS and there will always be the chance of it getting really bad again if I let it... but I finally have the brains and GODS strength to get me on the road to no more pain. and... well.... maybe I lose another 30 or so pounds! hahah.. :)
thank you all who have prayed for me and who have cared! thanks soo much! :)
as you will, read the post previous to this... go on.... just read it... or at least the beginning of it.
did you read it?
if you did then you can come to this post with the understanding that i go through a lot daily when it comes to my health. that i have a digestive problem that causes frustration and overwhelming times of feeling as though giving up is the correct answer. in the post before i felt utterly hopeless... i felt like no one could ever understand and that there were no answers. i cried out to God over and over again for healing, for something, anything that would help. and once again PRAISE GOD! cause he brought me help! :)
a couple days ago i walked into Choices market. which is a huge organic food store. and thankfully they have a registered nutrionist working there that specializes in IBS and has it herself.
**can you see me smiling!**
when i first started talking to her, she could see that i was desperatly unaware of what is going on and what i need to do.
so.... right then started my health lesson. And right then i was pushing back the want to cry with joy that i have finally FINALLY found someone who understands and is telling me that whats going on is real and that she has answers. real answers, true answers and that I can HEAL! YES! :)
so this is the drill.... no wheat and dairy. NONE, nothing... not even a little bit... not even a smudge. none at all... for at LEAST six months, and even after six months, very very very little... so practically nothing for a whole year..
I am now taking eight pills each morning along with a fibre drink, another intestinal cleanser drink in the afternoon and two pills right before I go to bed.
I am only allowed approx. 1 cup of brown rice a day (the only carb im allowed other then veggies and fruit)
and no red meat.
yep! its going to be hard. as you can plainly see. BUT she said that if I chose not to do this, if i just decide that its too hard... then there will be horrible consequences, she asked what was happening sympton wise and she was really shocked that I had done nothing until now. She said "YOU HAVE NO CHOICE.. SUCK IT UP AND DO IT... YOU HAVE TO!"
that did it for me... she said that if I dont do it, then my colon will shut down in a couple of years, meaning colitis, meaning not having the health to have kids, meaning horrible things down the road... this scared me, scared me soooo much!
its enough to make me suck it up and deal with the fact that this is real, a lot more real then I realized.
so.... no more "cheat days" for me, they no longer exist.
but when I look on the bright side, true health and healing is right around the corner! I will never be completely without it, I will always have IBS and there will always be the chance of it getting really bad again if I let it... but I finally have the brains and GODS strength to get me on the road to no more pain. and... well.... maybe I lose another 30 or so pounds! hahah.. :)
thank you all who have prayed for me and who have cared! thanks soo much! :)
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
so lately ive been feeling so bad, gross, nauxious, bloated, painfully aware of my IBS probelms and my lack of stopping them. honestly i dont want to eat, i dont want to put food in my mouth, i wish to avoid eating all together actually... does anyone know of a pill i could take that could leave me without the need to eat?? and not make me sick?? cause if you do, im seriously interested.
i cant help but cry about it lately... i cant help but ask questions like.. why?????!!!!!! WHY?!?!?!? and why cant i pull myself together to get over it?
mom keeps teling me that im not alone with it, which is true.. im not. just the other day i met my second cousin Matthew Kroeker and his fiance, who has the same wheat problem as I do...and she just deals with it. thats what I need to do, just deal with it. Stop fighting it, just allow it to be apart of my life. to live it out.... to allow God to work through it for his good.
I dont beleive that God intended this to happen, I dont believe that its from him, that he wants me to be in this much pain daily and to abuse myself in this way... I realize that i cant do anything without him... nothing wthout him... i am nothing without him...
I keep hearing him say "you werent intended on doing this alone... so stop trying to!... let me in!"
I came across a verse last night while i was doing my devotions in James. it says:
"Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you've sinned, you'll be forgiven- healed inside and out." James 5:15
I am going to take this verse as my "theme song" for my life... to be healed would be the most incredible experience, but i need to believe that it can be done... and that maybe its going to take a lot longer than i thought, or anticipated.... that God has a lesson in the midst of this whole ordeal... that he can take this and turn it into something amazing, if only i let him...
all of you out there that pray... please say a small prayer for me concerning this... i just feel so overwhelmed and frustrated, but its time to stop crying about it and step up to grasp ahold of what can be done... with Christ, of course! :)
i cant help but cry about it lately... i cant help but ask questions like.. why?????!!!!!! WHY?!?!?!? and why cant i pull myself together to get over it?
mom keeps teling me that im not alone with it, which is true.. im not. just the other day i met my second cousin Matthew Kroeker and his fiance, who has the same wheat problem as I do...and she just deals with it. thats what I need to do, just deal with it. Stop fighting it, just allow it to be apart of my life. to live it out.... to allow God to work through it for his good.
I dont beleive that God intended this to happen, I dont believe that its from him, that he wants me to be in this much pain daily and to abuse myself in this way... I realize that i cant do anything without him... nothing wthout him... i am nothing without him...
I keep hearing him say "you werent intended on doing this alone... so stop trying to!... let me in!"
I came across a verse last night while i was doing my devotions in James. it says:
"Believing-prayer will heal you, and Jesus will put you on your feet. And if you've sinned, you'll be forgiven- healed inside and out." James 5:15
I am going to take this verse as my "theme song" for my life... to be healed would be the most incredible experience, but i need to believe that it can be done... and that maybe its going to take a lot longer than i thought, or anticipated.... that God has a lesson in the midst of this whole ordeal... that he can take this and turn it into something amazing, if only i let him...
all of you out there that pray... please say a small prayer for me concerning this... i just feel so overwhelmed and frustrated, but its time to stop crying about it and step up to grasp ahold of what can be done... with Christ, of course! :)
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