last appointments... great news!

So where did I leave off last post? Ah yes! That's right... (just caught myself up!) Onto my update of my very last cognitive behavioural therapy appointment and my last physiotherapy appointment. I promise that I have some good stuff to share.

My last cognitive therapy appointment was really quite sad cause I knew it would be the last time I was in the room with the other ten women going through the same things I am going through. They understand me, they talk about this problem just like I do! They know what it means to have this condition, what it means to have chronic pain. They know the struggles that are in marriage because of it, self image, sexual identity and self worth because of it. It was hard to say goodbye, but I am grateful to have gone through those sessions with them. They are some very strong and beautiful women and I wish them all of lifes incredible blessings and especially healing both physically and mentally.

What I got most out of my cognitive therapy was just the realization of how impactful my thoughts are on my behaviour and vice versa. I left those sessions with the understanding that I control my mind, it doesn't have to control me. And that I can just lay my thoughts down and decide whether or not to engage in them. I do not have to be captive to whatever pops into my head. I believe that this revelation will transform the way I live, think and act. It's definitely a discipline that needs practice, along with the mindfulness/meditation, but I fully intend on continuing in it.

My last physiotherapy appointment was last Wednesday, Cameron came with me and I was really REALLY nervous. There were so many thoughts and emotions going through my mind about what she might say and what my life could potentially be like after seeing her. Would I need more physio? Would we be able to start trying for a baby? If I do get pregnant, how would this condition affect my labour and delivery? I could go on with all the questions that were running through my mind. I had to stop myself and surrender the fears to God through prayer many times. I also took a lot of those running thoughts and put them in the river of my mind and let them drift away (an analogy the therapist encouraged us to use). But when we got there in her office and we sat with her, she immediately asked us, "do you have any questions for me?" After all that thinking and all that contemplating the only thing that fell out of my mouth was "we want to get pregnant!" Then she immediately grinned ear to ear and said "YES! absolutely go for it!" I just about cried. I was over the moon excited that she was so willing to support us 100% and give us her full encouragement and educate us concerning the impact of my condition. We had a very detailed conversation about how to move my and Cam`s intimate relationship forward, information that was of great value to us. We also talked for a long time about labour and delivery for when the time comes. She made me understand that I will have to take full responsiblity for informing the doctors again and again about my Vestibulodynia. This means that I would need to have less vaginal exams than the normal labouring woman would and that I would need to be very clear to the doctors about why. I thought this would be fine since I have no problems at all with being very loud, informative and stubborn concerning my Vestibulodynia and that area of my body.

After the shrieks of joy, and my little happy dance. She then went over the exercises with me, showing Cam what I've been doing and explaining why I`ve been doing it. What is really great is that we also started to see a pattern with my pain over the last two weeks and we discussed that as well. It's great that I've been doing those self exams to know exactly when it is and is NOT a good time for me pain wise. And remember that exercise that I didn't want to explain to you, well... it turns out that I've done so well with it that I'm in the 1%! What that means is 99% of women with this condition CAN NOT do the exercise the way I can (with NO pain!). This is wonderful news! I am beyond excited, and also do not need any further physiotherapy. I will however, have to do the exercises for as long as I have this condition. So I could be doing them for years to come, but that does not matter so long as the condition is in my control (which it is now!).

So to sum up... We can start trying whenever we want to have children, and I am doing incredibly well with both cognitive therapy and especially physiotherapy. Just one more discharge appointment in April and the program is done! I am so blessed to have been given this opportunity and am so thankful for all those who have supported me and Cameron through it.

I do believe that this was the work of God and that He heals through extraordinary ways, I had prayed for years for healing and have witnessed that prayer request granted. I look forward to finally being able to try to get that pee stick to say positive, I cry many happy tears over the reality of that dream coming true very soon. Please Lord God, may nothing more stand in the way of me becoming a mother. May my children be born in Your timing. Amen.

Thanks again for reading as I shared my journey with you... and stay tunned to see when I actually do start to grow a baby in my belly :)

N.

More of my journey to healing...

It's been a little while since I've written about my ongoing journey in my treatment against Vestibulodynia. I am currently doing a lot better in the emotional department of all of this. I guess I just decided to take the perspective of "this has happened, it doesn't change who I am or how much I love my husband or my life, I will accept it, treat it and move on". So, here I am in acceptance of this condition. It doesn't mean that I wake up happy about it every morning. It just means that I smile and thank God for each moment of every day because I am thankful for the blessings I have in life. This problem will not kill me, it will not prevent me from having children, it will not prevent me from being intimate with my husband and it will not deprive me of my happiness.

So here we go with an update:

The last cognitive therapy appointment I had was really interesting, the therapist talked about the connection between our thoughts, emotions, behaviour and physical responses and how they are all interconnected with one another. Not one aspect can be changed without the others being affected by the change. Therefore, if I choose to change my thought proccesses or behaviours in regards to this disease, then the physical (ie: pain) may change too! My homework was to identify the things that I am believing to be true about this problem. The example she used was the thought of "this problem will never change" then there is a sheet to fill out with questions about that thought process. It asks what is your evidence to support your thought? What is the evidence that goes against your thought? Rate your thought in terms of how much you believe it to be true, etc... By doing this we are to see and identify that the opposite can be true of our negative thought process instead of the thought itself. What I mean is, there are thousands of women who have come out of this treatment and similar treatments like this one with incredible success. Therefore, I can also find success in defeating this disease and conclude that my intital thought of "this problem will never change" is wrong! I CAN be successful and get to a point where I can be intitmate with my husband without intense pain. I am VERY excited for that day :)

My last physio appointment was one of the best and most positive experiences I've had thus far in this program! She said that I was doing GREAT (did you just read that? she said great!). This makes me really happy because I was really concerned that the exercises I was doing daily on my own weren't changing anything. One of the things I am supposed to do is rate my pain every day by doing a particular self examination type technique that I will NOT discuss here (sorry!). I am starting to realise that this pain is "no big deal" I still have the pain but I am no longer emotionally attached to it. That may sound weird, trust me it sounded weird to me too at the beginning but I understand now what it means. At my first physio appointment when the doctor was showing me what to do for this particular self exam she mentioned "it is really important for you to not be emotinally attached to the pain". She said, "you have to accept that there will be some discomfort, maybe you'll experience some pain but before you preform the self exam relax your pelvic muscles (which she continues to teach me how to do) and bring your mind to a place with no emotional attachement, just acceptance". I feel like I've begun to get really good at this, it's not even really an expectation anymore to feel the pain. Rather it's like a "I accept that this pain may be felt but it's ok either way" type of experience now. I hope that when I go back again next week for my last physio that she will give me a thumbs up, more exercises to do and then send me on my way without any more follow up. I am bringing Cam with me and we have a lot of questions to ask the doctor in terms of intimacy and then pregnancy too (for future reference).

I am confident that I will get better, that this program is helping me to get better. I am so HAPPY that I am doing it and getting the chance to experience change in this part of my life. I am no longer haunted by it, or sad by it. I am accepting that this has happened and that it is OK that it has. I am kneeling infront of God, the rock of my life and offering it all to Him and asking for healing and peace. And I am thankful that this has only brought my husband and I closer together, I love him more today than I did the day we met and our wedding day.

Thanks for reading,
Blessings on you today,

N.