One year ago today I was in my doctors office and sat nervously as I waited for my doctor to burst through the door with an enthusiastic "congratulations". Unfortunately; that did not happen.
"So we think we're pregnant?" My heart sunk into my chest, I could feel it racing, blood flowing, everything in me wanting to collapse into a heap of tears.
"Your pregnancy test came back negative," she said. "But don't panic. It might be too early to test."
But I knew. I knew my dates, I have always been diligent in writing them down. I knew it wasn't too early. I knew my symptoms weren't as strong as they were weeks prior. I knew what this meant and I was devastated.
I went for a blood test shortly after seeing her. She wanted to see my hormone levels and said she'd call that night with the results. I remember staring out the window while a friendly nurse took my blood. I remember feeling numb, as though that needle didn't exist. The drive home was quiet. My mom cooked us dinner that night and I waited for my phone to ring.
Cam decided to take Edison out for a walk before bed and while they were gone it rang. I leaped for my phone and ran down the stairs to talk alone with my doctor. "I'm so so sorry Nicole, you are pregnant. But according to your blood results your pregnancy hormone levels are too low. I'm afraid your pregnancy has not made it past four weeks gestation. According to your dates you are over six weeks pregnant. Are you sure your dates are correct?"
"Yes"
"I'm so so sorry, but your pregnancy isn't viable. You should start bleeding soon."
She stayed on the phone with me for about twenty minutes as I cried. She kept saying sorry. She told me that I didn't need to wait to try again but that if I did want to wait that was okay too. In that moment she was the exact person that I needed to tell me the information that I needed to hear. She was incredibly supportive, like a best friend would be. She was genuinely sad for me. I am forever grateful to her for that.
I spent that night crying. I cried like I've never cried before. I told my baby that he/she could let go and that we would be okay. I didn't expect to get any sleep that night but all the tears somehow put me to sleep. A few hours later I woke up to pain and bleeding. That was it. My baby was gone.
I realize that to some my baby may not have been a baby at all. I never got to hold it, feel it move in my womb, see it on the ultrasound monitor. I don't have any evidence of it's existence other than the scar left on my heart. But my pregnancy was a pregnancy. My baby had every intention of becoming my second born child. I'll never understand why it had to be this way but I trust Gods goodness and believe in His faithfulness.
I would never compare my loss to that of a full term pregnancy loss. But my loss is still a loss and has still left a very very real mark. I spent countless hours crying, countless moments praying and absolutely fell into depression because of it. I thank God, my husband and son everyday for their grace and mercy to help me see the beauty in my life again.
One year ago today I lost something precious to me but today I'm blessed by my third pregnancy and the little one dancing healthfully in my womb. I may be scared to death most moments that I'll loose this one too but my trust is in my God. I'm so damn grateful for this life and my babies.
N.
Pumpkins tree in it's new home in our new backyard. This tree is my healing tree and everytime I see it I'm reminded of my angel baby.
