A wonderful message left for me from my hubby!
I'm so in love with him :)
N.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Something positive
Today was my very 1st physiotherapy appointment, I have 2 more left. Although I knew I had no reason to be nervous, I was very nervous and very anxious. I had never met this woman before, what was she going to do?
Well... As we started to talk, she asked questions and I answered them and she actually said. "good!" to a couple things I said that I've been doing. Like getting into an exercise routine (reduces pain) and accommodating my intimate relationship with my hubby.
She described my problem as being like a car alarm. The pain is an alarm sounding in my brain, but the alarm is broken and going off when it shouldn't be. So what we need to do is fix the alarm. She said that NOTHING is wrong with my nerves or tissue, good news!!! It's just the alarm that needs fixing in my brain. Sounds complicated, and it is and it will take hard work. Like being dedicated to my homework exercises to be done everyday... But... She seems very confident in the therapy and that's good enough for me!!!
I'm still really emotional about this whole journey. I haven't had time to just sit on my bed in my room and cry it out alone. I'm hoping to do that tomorrow or Friday night. I have more cognitive therapy homework to do those nights, I'm sure that'll get my tears flowing.
Good Night!
N.
Well... As we started to talk, she asked questions and I answered them and she actually said. "good!" to a couple things I said that I've been doing. Like getting into an exercise routine (reduces pain) and accommodating my intimate relationship with my hubby.
She described my problem as being like a car alarm. The pain is an alarm sounding in my brain, but the alarm is broken and going off when it shouldn't be. So what we need to do is fix the alarm. She said that NOTHING is wrong with my nerves or tissue, good news!!! It's just the alarm that needs fixing in my brain. Sounds complicated, and it is and it will take hard work. Like being dedicated to my homework exercises to be done everyday... But... She seems very confident in the therapy and that's good enough for me!!!
I'm still really emotional about this whole journey. I haven't had time to just sit on my bed in my room and cry it out alone. I'm hoping to do that tomorrow or Friday night. I have more cognitive therapy homework to do those nights, I'm sure that'll get my tears flowing.
Good Night!
N.
Monday, February 20, 2012
not yet Nicole... but soon!
Last Wednesday, which was February 15th to be exact. I had my treatment planning appointment with one of the gynecologists in the MVP program. I really liked her (at the beginning of our appointment) up until the point in time where she gave us bad news. Great! More bad news! How can this shitty problem get any worse you might ask? Well... Let me tell you.
Cam came with me to this particular appointment because he was allowed and I thought it was important and valuable for him to be apart of the conversation. After some very awkward questions concerning our sex life from this perfect stranger, I brought up my past Endometriosis surgery. I thought to myself, "they must be linked together somehow!". Bad news #1: the two diseases are most certainly NOT connected in any way. So when I asked, "so I got some seriously bad luck?" and she replied, "unfortunately yes" I was not a happy gal. ALTHOUGH! My Endo is gone, I must keep reminding myself of that.
So then conversation continued and the topic of fertility and family planning came up. Now may I remind you that I've wanted to be a mommy for... Like always! And Cam has only been on board the baby idea completely for like a month. So insert, Bad news #2: no baby.... yet! She doesn't want my positive sexual arousal cycle to disappear so she said "treatment first, babies after, we will return to the baby discussion at your discharge appointment". I saw Cam nodding in agreement and all I could do was stare at the carpet and think, "seriously??? And I JUST got him on board with the baby thing!" I was a walking emotional wreck for a while afterwards. And in a state of depression until yesterday.
She said most young women with my condition want children and prioritize their babies first, but then because of that they don't follow through with their treatment. They end up loosing their ability to become sexually aroused and eventually avoid intimacy altogether. This becomes quite a problem and many relationships end because of it.
So right now it's a choice between fixing my Vestibulodynia with adequate treatment and having kids when that gets better, OR just ignoring treatment and start trying for kids with the risk of things getting much worse.
So updated goal: get to the point THIS LATE SPRING/EARLY SUMMER to conceive a child without the fear or experience of tremendous pain.
Cam and I both agreed to listen to the gynecologist for now and revisit the baby topic in April. I feel like if I continue the treatments after the program ends (the ones that are working for me) until I get pregnant and throughout my 1st trimester and then right away after delivery. I could have my baby and still get better, there has to be a way to do both.
Right now I'm taking it as Gods way of saying "not yet Nicole, but soon... I haven't forgotten".
I wonder what my 1st physiotherapy appointment will bring this Wednesday.
N.
Cam came with me to this particular appointment because he was allowed and I thought it was important and valuable for him to be apart of the conversation. After some very awkward questions concerning our sex life from this perfect stranger, I brought up my past Endometriosis surgery. I thought to myself, "they must be linked together somehow!". Bad news #1: the two diseases are most certainly NOT connected in any way. So when I asked, "so I got some seriously bad luck?" and she replied, "unfortunately yes" I was not a happy gal. ALTHOUGH! My Endo is gone, I must keep reminding myself of that.
So then conversation continued and the topic of fertility and family planning came up. Now may I remind you that I've wanted to be a mommy for... Like always! And Cam has only been on board the baby idea completely for like a month. So insert, Bad news #2: no baby.... yet! She doesn't want my positive sexual arousal cycle to disappear so she said "treatment first, babies after, we will return to the baby discussion at your discharge appointment". I saw Cam nodding in agreement and all I could do was stare at the carpet and think, "seriously??? And I JUST got him on board with the baby thing!" I was a walking emotional wreck for a while afterwards. And in a state of depression until yesterday.
She said most young women with my condition want children and prioritize their babies first, but then because of that they don't follow through with their treatment. They end up loosing their ability to become sexually aroused and eventually avoid intimacy altogether. This becomes quite a problem and many relationships end because of it.
So right now it's a choice between fixing my Vestibulodynia with adequate treatment and having kids when that gets better, OR just ignoring treatment and start trying for kids with the risk of things getting much worse.
So updated goal: get to the point THIS LATE SPRING/EARLY SUMMER to conceive a child without the fear or experience of tremendous pain.
Cam and I both agreed to listen to the gynecologist for now and revisit the baby topic in April. I feel like if I continue the treatments after the program ends (the ones that are working for me) until I get pregnant and throughout my 1st trimester and then right away after delivery. I could have my baby and still get better, there has to be a way to do both.
Right now I'm taking it as Gods way of saying "not yet Nicole, but soon... I haven't forgotten".
I wonder what my 1st physiotherapy appointment will bring this Wednesday.
N.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
I am a provoked Vestibulodynia sufferer
I've already been thinking for weeks about if I was going to write this particular post and how I was going to write it. Should I include all the information, some of the information, no information? Then I thought, "well... all my close friends know, my entire family knows, what if there is a woman or couple out there that comes across this post and needs the info?" So here I am, writing this post and offering up my testimony so that I can potentially help another woman with this disease, or at least encourage a woman who is ashamed or embarrased come out and find the correct help.
All I've ever wanted in life was my own family, I was the girl that dreamed about her prince charming and her perfect home with at least four kids running around. So when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis back in 2007, I was devestated, horrified, lost, depressed, angry, and experienced sadness I had never felt before. There was a potential for infertility, it was NOT good news. Then I got refered to the best doctor and got surgery two months before my wedding day and life was perfect again! No pain, No side effects... poof! it was gone!
Until... I experienced once again a pain that can only be described as "though I was being ripped open!" on my wedding night. I thought, "of course it will hurt the first time, no big deal". But then it hurt every other time after that, for months! At my review appointment with my miracle doctor who did my Endo surgery, we concluded that she actually did get all the Endo out!! There was a moment of excitment and joy and celebration, until I told her about my new pain. I was immediately examined by her, and with a look of saddness in her eyes she gave me a new booklet and sent me into the waiting room. As I opened the booklet and reviewed the material I came across the words "chronic pain disease" and I started to cry. Alone in the waiting room of the Womens hospital I found out that I had what's called provoked Vestibulodynia, with paitents recovery rate at 60%, and 75% if they go through the MVP treatment program at Vancouver General Hospital.
I felt a whole range of emotions as you can probably guess at the diagnosis, I was once again angry, felt defeated, sad and was in a serious state of denial for a very long time. Finally in March of 2011 (I was diagnosed originally in May of 2009) I saw my doctor again and asked for a referal into the MVP program at Vancouver General Hospital. It was time that I came face to face with the reality of this disease. At this appointment I was once again examined to confirm the original diagnosis of provoked Vestibulodynia. Even though to hear the diagnosis once again made my sadness return, the doctor did an internal ultrasound exam to check my ovaries, eggs and uterus to ensure that I could get pregnant in the future. Let me tell you that seeing my eggs brought tears to my eyes, the good news coming out of that appointment was that I could in fact get pregnant, and that my fertility changes were much higher now because of the surgery she preformed to remove my Endometriosis! I was THRILLED!
Although that was a positive experience I had to once again face that even though my reproductive system wasn't being influenced by this new diagnosis, my sexual response and association with sexual touch was (and continues to be) in serious trouble. I was refered and immediately got a phone call from the director of the program at the hospital. I got all the information I needed and talked to my the director at my new job W&T for the time off to complete the MVP program. I was once again THRILLED when the W&T director in her office gave me a big hug and said "you MUST do this!". What an answer to prayer, to have been hired on by such an incredibly understanding company and get into the MVP program at the hospital for such a horrible vulva disease.
So here I am...
A confirmed (again!) sufferer of provoked Vestibulodynia, going through a program that I hope will save my sex life. I will blog some of my experiences through this program, as it is incredibly helpful for me to sort of "journal" these moments. But I will keep it somewhat vague, since we are talking about a very intimate part of my anatomy and relationship with my hubby.
My number one goal right now: getting to the point where I will have the ability to conceive a child without the fear or experience of tremendous pain.
Wish me luck!
N.
All I've ever wanted in life was my own family, I was the girl that dreamed about her prince charming and her perfect home with at least four kids running around. So when I was diagnosed with Endometriosis back in 2007, I was devestated, horrified, lost, depressed, angry, and experienced sadness I had never felt before. There was a potential for infertility, it was NOT good news. Then I got refered to the best doctor and got surgery two months before my wedding day and life was perfect again! No pain, No side effects... poof! it was gone!
Until... I experienced once again a pain that can only be described as "though I was being ripped open!" on my wedding night. I thought, "of course it will hurt the first time, no big deal". But then it hurt every other time after that, for months! At my review appointment with my miracle doctor who did my Endo surgery, we concluded that she actually did get all the Endo out!! There was a moment of excitment and joy and celebration, until I told her about my new pain. I was immediately examined by her, and with a look of saddness in her eyes she gave me a new booklet and sent me into the waiting room. As I opened the booklet and reviewed the material I came across the words "chronic pain disease" and I started to cry. Alone in the waiting room of the Womens hospital I found out that I had what's called provoked Vestibulodynia, with paitents recovery rate at 60%, and 75% if they go through the MVP treatment program at Vancouver General Hospital.
I felt a whole range of emotions as you can probably guess at the diagnosis, I was once again angry, felt defeated, sad and was in a serious state of denial for a very long time. Finally in March of 2011 (I was diagnosed originally in May of 2009) I saw my doctor again and asked for a referal into the MVP program at Vancouver General Hospital. It was time that I came face to face with the reality of this disease. At this appointment I was once again examined to confirm the original diagnosis of provoked Vestibulodynia. Even though to hear the diagnosis once again made my sadness return, the doctor did an internal ultrasound exam to check my ovaries, eggs and uterus to ensure that I could get pregnant in the future. Let me tell you that seeing my eggs brought tears to my eyes, the good news coming out of that appointment was that I could in fact get pregnant, and that my fertility changes were much higher now because of the surgery she preformed to remove my Endometriosis! I was THRILLED!
Although that was a positive experience I had to once again face that even though my reproductive system wasn't being influenced by this new diagnosis, my sexual response and association with sexual touch was (and continues to be) in serious trouble. I was refered and immediately got a phone call from the director of the program at the hospital. I got all the information I needed and talked to my the director at my new job W&T for the time off to complete the MVP program. I was once again THRILLED when the W&T director in her office gave me a big hug and said "you MUST do this!". What an answer to prayer, to have been hired on by such an incredibly understanding company and get into the MVP program at the hospital for such a horrible vulva disease.
So here I am...
A confirmed (again!) sufferer of provoked Vestibulodynia, going through a program that I hope will save my sex life. I will blog some of my experiences through this program, as it is incredibly helpful for me to sort of "journal" these moments. But I will keep it somewhat vague, since we are talking about a very intimate part of my anatomy and relationship with my hubby.
My number one goal right now: getting to the point where I will have the ability to conceive a child without the fear or experience of tremendous pain.
Wish me luck!
N.
Saturday, February 04, 2012
A boy!
I wanted to introduce you to my newest nephew, David Nicolaus Stehr. I can't wait to meet him this summer, he is just perfect!
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