Who knew feeding my baby would be this hard?

It happened again after his nap, my crying baby smelled like poop so obviously I picked him up and took him to his change table. His crying continued like most diaper changes but this time I was once again greeted by a constipated poop and blood. More blood than the other few times he's had blood in his diaper.

DAMIT! Is all I could muster to say along with tears swelling in my eyes. But as soon as the poop was in the trash, his bum was clean and his diaper rash cream on his bum, I got nothing but smiles from him.

I'm on the brink of bursting out in tears over this over and over again. My baby boy is currently constipated AGAIN!!! As soon as I get him to the point of a few soft ones I'm blind sided by another blood diaper. I took him off solids for over a week and then introduced one feed of applesauce a day. He was great, things were looking good but I wanted to branch out again. So we tried one meal a day of a few roasted yam fries for three days straight. There was no poop but I guess I thought since he wasn't getting very much that it was ok since his good was mainly still breast milk. I guess I was wrong. So is it the yams? Should I stay away from potato like foods for now? Today I'm starting to try him on butternut squash.

I'm feeling overwhelmed again and completely uneducated. He's intent on feeding himself so purees are out of the question. He'll scream, grab the spoon and just fight you if you try. He LOVES to feed himself. I'm completely okay with that. I'm just walking out on unknown territory though. I feel blind.

And then there's the teeth, oh my goodness the teeth! Those two top ones are coming in so well and I'm scared as can be. Edison bites when he's teething and he could don some serious damage with what he's got coming in. Not only that the teeth are causing me some additional pain even when he's not biting. So my nipples hurt, SO much!!

So it's not only the constipation, it's the teeth. Nursing him is hurting worse than ever now and I want to give up more than ever now.

But that's not all! My right breast is constantly clogged. I have had problems for months and at the beginning of this week I was in tears hand compressing, doing hot compressions and trying desperately to clear the duct. It hurt like hell and is still so sore.

So there you have it. Just a long list of complaints but I just had to get it out. If anyone reading this has a word of encouragement or experience to share please do! I'm not ready to completely give up on nursing my son. Edison loves it too much and I love the bond we share as I do it. But the pain is getting to be a lot to handle and Edison's constipation problem has me feeling helpless.

But in the midst of it all....
Happy Boxing Day and Merry Christmas. Our holidays have been so wonderful and tonight we get to keep on celebrating.

I'm so excited for turkey!!
N

Edison update

So now that I'm back in the blogging mood let me update you on all things Edison.

1. He is actually sitting up on his own now with minimal falls. When he gets excited, distracted, looks around or leans back then he falls. So I guess "minimal falls" isn't exactly accurate.

2. He is currently cutting four teeth at once. Those would be his two top front teeth and two bottom teeth, one on each side of his front bottom teeth (those he got at three months old).

3. We are having a heck of a time with constipation now that he's started solids. I've found blood in his diaper three times. We've limited food to one feeding per day and started with applesauce last week. We decided to start all over again after several days of just breast milk. Today was his first taste of yams again. He still loves them, not sure what will be next after three straight days of yams. He looooves to eat but prefers to feed himself. I'm sure his first sentence will be "me do it".

4. We are full time cloth and love it. So far no significant rashes and we are managing to keep up with the laundry. We even invested in heavy wetter diapers for night so he's 100% clothed 100% of the time.

5. He still loves his toys and has taken to stuffing his fuzzy blankets in his mouth for comfort. So I've got a little real live Linus on my hands. No soother, no thumb, just his blanket.

6. He loves to babble, and is big on observing everyone and everything. I'm convinced he's an extrovert, he thrives when in crowds and loves being held by others. I'm certain he'll be my boy who will easily walk into school without looking back (like I did to my mom way back).

7. He finally doubled his weight and is 16lbs 10oz and fits six month and nine month clothes.

I see so much of myself in him but I know there's so much of Cam in him too! He's growing up so quickly, I can't wait to see what he'll do next.
N.


Spikey hair!!


My precious boys.

Mommy life

It's been a while, I guess I took a blogging break. I kept feeling like everything I was saying was negative. The whole "being a mommy is hard" talk over and over. And don't get me wrong, it's still hard but it's also very very good too.

Lately I've been looking my son in the eye and every part of me bursts. I am so in love with him that I can't imagine life without him. I'm so happy and excited for the new things he's doing but I'm also crying inside, sad that he's growing up so quickly. Why can't he just stay like this for just a moment so my heart can catch up? I know it's silly, it's hormonal, it's mommy talk but it's so real lately that my eyes tear up more often than I'd like.

I'm such a mom and I love it. My house is full of baby things, my hair is always up, I hardly ever have make up on, my clothes are loose or a little tight because my weight is in limbo, I rarely have time to eat, I smell like breast milk spit up and I'm sure the big dark bags under my eyes reveal my true exhaustion. But I wouldn't have it any other way.














Now I better attempt to transfer my teething, overtired, adorable, milk drunk son to his crib for what feels like the thousandth time tonight.
N.

Edison is 6 months old!

My baby is SIX MONTHS old!! I can't even believe how much he's changed in six months. It's just so incredible to witness, it's such a privilege to be his mommy.


One month compared to six months, see what I mean!?

He's hitting all of his developmental milestones without much of a problem and I'm sure that he's going to be sitting 100% by himself in matter of days. He reaches, explores, rolls, looks backward, puts everything in his mouth! He's mastered his fist grasp around things and knows exactly how to manipulate his soother to get it in his mouth.

Yet he's only weighing in at 15lbs 7.5oz which means he's only gained 7.5oz since his four month check up. It's not that big of a deal cause he's developing so great but it is a concern cause he's potentially going to fall off the charts. His length is staying in the 50% but his weight has gone from 75% to 50% to now 10-25% for his age. If his weight was consistently in that range since birth than it'd be fine but because he's falling in percentile it's a concerning. So we are going back in one month to check again and in the mean time I've started him on solids.

I was going to do strictly baby lead weaning but because of the weight issue I'm also doing purees and rice cereal so he'll be getting a good variety of everything. I'm being careful to avoid allergens which includes him joining us in eating wheat free. Tonight we gave him rice cereal for the first time and he seemed to enjoy it. Although I basically drowned the stuff in breast milk. It was so runny, blah!

When we did a banana yesterday and he was beyond excited so we'll keep up those. They are my favorite fruit. So good! So I'm not surprised with how much he loved it. It's the only food so far that he's inhaled.


There's so much more I could say so here are some points:

• he's sleeping longer stretches at night now unless his teeth bother him. About 4-6 hours at first and then every 2-3 hours after.
• bedtime is set for 8pm but has slowly been shifting to earlier like 7pm if he's tired enough.
• he gets butt change, boob & bed. If he's not sleeping on me after nursing then he's put in bed to play until he's ready to nurse to sleep. Sometimes we'll let him cry a bit and I've discovered that I'm NOT a horrible mom for doing that.
• he smiles a lot now, I looooove it!
• he still really enjoys playing with toys, it's so fun to watch him discover. I think he's going to have a very intense imagination.
• we are doing full time cloth now, no more disposables. I bought him heavy wetter diapers for night. I'm excited.
• I'm thinking a lot about when my maternity leave runs out. I'll post my decisions and game plan after I meet with the W&T HR rep.
• I'm SO excited for Christmas this year. It's going to be so fun with Edison. I have too many festive ideas of what new traditions we could start with him. The one we are doing for sure is buying a real tree at a tree farm with hot chocolate in hand. Can't wait :)

Alrighty, that's it for now!
N.

More pictures just cause

Finding my mommy confidence

So in all honesty, I've been down in the mommy dumps lately. I've been trying to be the mommy I thought I needed to be. I've been sticking fiercely to and believing strongly in a way of parenting that I thought made me the best mommy possible. It never occurred to me that this way might not work completely. It never occurred to me that I might have to adapt.

Until now...

I'm currently holding onto the truth that I love my son with all my heart and strength and THAT is what makes me a good mommy. I need to be who I am, whole and strong and myself. Because if I'm not me, if I'm a mess of a blubbering version of myself then that's not helping my son. So... time to put down my mommy guilt. It's time I search deep inside to the place where I can look Edison in the eye and say, "you're loved, you're safe, you're okay and mommy is here for you... always."

I want this post to be positive because I'm so sick and tired of being negative and saying over and over the "woe is me, parenting is hard" crap. Yes! It's hard! But I'm finding my way, I'm standing strong, I'm seeing better times on the horizon and I'm realizing that if something I thought should be working isn't. Well, change it in love and own the reality that what works for us is what works! It may not be for everyone else but it's good for me.

I'm feeling confident finally in this exact moment and I wanted to bottle it up as a reminder to my future self.

It's time to really listen to my mommy heart and throw everything else to the curb. To pray prayers of "God make me the best mommy possible for my baby" and listen to His answers. I love my boy and that's what's the most important thing in the world. If I'm loosing that to the way things are going then I have to change things. And change things I will.
N.


Isn't he just the cutest?! I just love kissing those cheeks.

The crying, OH the crying!

Before I had Edison I would read books and articles on many different things and what I kept coming back to was attachment style parenting. I kept identifying with all the things it talked about and was captivated with how simple it seemed. I never once thought that my beautiful baby would be labelled as difficult, clingy, a "mommas boy" or hard to handle. I never once imagined that he'd be a challenge to babysit or unpredictable to take out.

And yet here we are. My son, with the "difficult" temperament. Others believing they know what's best for him. "If only you would......" Yah. Ok. Thanks. Go right ahead, and he's back in my arms moments later because they failed to calm my "difficult" son and well he's a "mommy's boy" anyways.

I'm not meaning to make a harsh statement to anyone who has said these things around Edison and I (frankly I've said these things). I'm just simply stating that yes, my son cries, A LOT. And yes, I'm finally (after almost six months) perfectly ok with it. As Cameron said the other night, Edison is "special" and frankly so am I.

So this is what I'm currently practicing, the "cry it out with mommy" method. Because I came to realize that my sensitive son who I thought I was protecting by not allowing him to cry, is a baby and cries. I was SO scared to let him cry more than a few minutes at a time. I believed I was damaging his trust in me and his emotional development. I was reading article after article about how letting babies cry it out harms them. And then I read an article that I believe was the turning point and set me free. This article right here!
I finally understood for myself that Edison is expressing himself by crying and by trying to save him from crying I was also saving him from his emotional need to express his needs, frustrations, etc. So now I'm much more willing to allow him to cry it out in my arms. If he's changed, fed, has had gripe water or Tylenol to help his gas and teething I hold him close, glide on our chair and hum to him as he cries. It's become another time where I thank God that Edison is mine and I get to practice my calm mothering touch for future years when tantrums and outbursts over the same emotions will look much different.

My Edison is so sweet and so precious. The days of when he cries with few breaks are tiring and emotional (like today). I see that something needs to change in the way I put him to sleep (with my boobs) in order to prevent some of these really bad outbursts. Not sure what the next step is but rest assured there will tears and screams involved. I know I'll be there to help him through the process and I'm grateful I have my husband and mom to help me. I just need to quit eating my emotions away and face the reality of how these days affect me too.

Hearing my baby cry is always going to break my heart a little.
I guess that's just part of being a mommy.
N.

We changed things up!... Finally!

I can't even believe that I've waited this long but it became clearly obvious to me last week that Edison was desperately needing a change. I thought I was doing my boy good by "going with the flow" and "observing his needs." And I'm sure at the beginning that was what he needed, but clearly my boy has been calling out for structure and I wasn't getting the memo.

The beginning of this "leap" of development that washed over my boy last week was brutal. All the sudden he stopped sleeping three or sometimes four hour chunks and instead went back to his one to two hour sleeps. When I read the information on the wonder weeks app about this phase it clearly stated that parents are usually exhausted by the end of it. Well, no shit if all I'm getting is a few hours of sleep at night! Couple that up with Edi being in our room right next to our bed and my husband moving around like a freight train in his sleep and you've got one hell of a horrible combination.

My baby was miserable and went back to crying all day long everyday. I was a zombie and ended up breaking down in tears myself one evening after Cam came home (lucky guy). I decided that night that something HAD to change but my mommy guilt sirens were screaming at me. So I messaged my good friend and she basically told me in the most loving way possible that I'm the one that needs to make the decisions for my son and I need to own those decisions with confidence. It doesn't matter what someone else thinks.

So... I changed it up! All at once, no turning back! And yesterday was AMAZING! My baby boy slept four incredible naps (still in my arms but we're working on that next) and I put him in his crib for night last night and I owned that decision.

I of course went in when he cried for his night feeds because my belief in the cry it out method still applies. BUT I slept SO MUCH BETTER! Even though Edison still only did his two hour sleeps all night, I feel much more rested today, much more relaxed knowing we finally know what's coming in the day and night. My boy is safe in his crib, he's warm and happy and our room is so close that I still feel like he's right there next to me.

I don't regret the way I've been mothering him so far. I don't regret the five months he was sleeping in our room or our occasional nights bed sharing. I'm almost sad to know those days are gone because it means he's growing up. But that's just it, he's growing up and his needs are changing and I'd be a bad mother to not change things when he needs them changed. I never wanted to be one of those moms who does everything for their kids and labels them incapable of doing things they obviously are ready to try. This was one of those moments for me. I knew I needed to let go of my anxieties and worries and allow my son the ability to try a routine and try his crib for night. I'm so very glad I did.

So now I'll just try and stay home for a little while to get our routine fine tuned. I'm excited for what Edison will show me next and eager for this leap to end so I can hopefully get some sleep again.
N.

Happy Thanksgiving!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

This year I'm thankful for so much, my husband, my son, the ability for me to stay home with my son, my husbands job, my extended family, my parents, my grandparents & in law family, my friends, my best friends, the country I live in and all the little things in my life that make it as perfect as it is!

I love my life! I am excited for each day, for my future. I'm eager to soak in every single moment with all it's challenges and all of the love. Because in my life there's a lot of love!

So be blessed this Thanksgiving weekend!
From my family to yours,
N.

Everything's going to be alright

I absolutely and completely love my son. There are days when I stare at him while he nurses and tears swell up in my eyes because I'm so head over heels in love with him. He's everything I've ever wanted, a child to call my own. And lately he's taken to non stop crying and screaming. All. Day. Long.

Lord give me strength to parent my baby boy through the moments when tears swell up in my own eyes cause I can't take the screaming anymore.

I want to put him in his crib and walk away and yet I'm not sure that's the answer. Don't worry, I'm nowhere near the point of injuring him. Quite frankly I can't walk away from him and his crying because to me that's injuring him in the most emotional way possible. He's going through something. The world is suddenly really big again and he can't cope and so he cries and cries and cries and I cry along with him. If God was going to test my patience and teach me something about myself, life and love, he's definitely done that in giving me my son.


So in my moment of weakness and lack of sleep I asked for advice on Facebook yesterday on moving Edison to his crib for naps. My friend messaged me and reminded me that I had blogged prior about being okay with Edison's sleep routine and that I didn't have to change anything if I didn't want to. So I pulled myself together and once again realized things are still perfect the way they are. My son needs comfort and finds that comfort at my breast. No soother, bottle, thumb or other comfort toy can give him what he's found when he's latched to me. So... I have to decide to either strip him of my breast to get my body back more often or keep going as it is.

This will not last forever and the bond we are developing is one that will last our entire lives. My son is sensitive like me, needy like I was and even though my body feels exhausted from the lack of sleep and the crying, I'm still going to choose to be there for him, always.

So if I've been canceling plans with you, I'm sorry. If I've been meaning to get back to you and haven't, I'm sorry. Or if I'm simply not all there when you do get a piece of me, I'm sorry. Because right now I belong to Edison first and I'm thinking that's the way it should continue to be.

It won't last forever, it's just a season and we've already begun slowly introducing his bed for nap times. Like when he finally accepted his car seat and sleeping in it on his own time. He will accept and sleep in his bed for naps in his own time too. Just lots of patience and love.

For out of true dependence will come true independence (a quote I frequently come back to).
N.

the pumpkin patch & me

On Saturday we took Edison to the pumpkin patch and it was so much fun! We didn't stay long and we didn't bother to go anywhere fancy, we just went to a local place and took lots of photos. We picked three really big pumpkins and two little ones and came right home. We even got our pumpkin spiced lattes, it was an experience and tradition we hope to keep up every year.


But then that night I looked at the photos and reality hit me. I've gained a lot of weight. A lot more than I ever truly realized and my heart broke into a million pieces. I had promised myself that I wouldn't gain weight once I got married, I promised myself that I wouldn't let food addiction consume me, I promised myself that I would find a way to love and respect my body. I failed. At least that's how it feels.

On Sunday morning I approached Cam and we had a really great talk. I realized that he does still love me for who I am no matter the size I am but the truth of the matter is that there's a lingering fear in us both of my health deteriorating if I don't change. Especially if I don't change before my next pregnancy.

I've fought weight problems most of my life. I've been skinny and not so skinny, I've been healthy and I've been sick. I've had food sensitivities, gestational diabetes, IBS and more. I'm addicted to carbs and sugar. If I don't change my body there's no doubt in my mind that I'll end up a celiac, diabetic with heart disease and fibromyalgia and be dead by the age of 75 like my grandmother.

So...

I'm sticking to my gluten free diet and I'm taking charge with my fitness pal app (add me, coliestehr). I'm hoping to hire my friend to whip my butt on a weekly schedule and start interval bike sessions again on my stationary bike. I'm going to stay accountable to myself and post updates here too. I'm thinking weight loss progress pictures, weigh ins and a weekly update (maybe not a pic every week tho). I know accountability and community support can help anyone be successful, so why not me?

Regardless of what I choose to do I need to do something. I need to loose weight before I get pregnant again and I definitely want to be pregnant this time next year so I'm aiming for a loss of forty pounds by my 29th birthday on July 5th, 2014. That's an average of five pounds a month to loose and I think a very reasonable goal.

So wish me luck! And check back and send me tips, recipes and share your "get healthy" experiences with me.

I know I can do this and I know that some of this weight came on for a reason (pregnancy) but I'm also aware that it very much needs to go. It's not a "I need to look great in a bikini" kind of weight loss, it's more a "I don't want to be sick anymore or be at risk to be sicker later in life" kind of weight loss.

I know I can succeed :)
N.

What I've learnt so far as a mommy...

What I've learnt so far as a mommy, in no particular order.

• babies when naked after a huge poop explosion while being transferred to the tub will inevitably pee on you. Make sure you transfer naked baby in a towel.

• babies like my son who have reflux will spit up, always. Never go without a cloth, never burp without a cloth, never pick up baby without a cloth. ALWAYS have a cloth on you, always.

• everyone is obsessed with whether or not a baby sleeps through the night. "Oh yes! Of course, these big baggy eyes and my massive cup of coffee are my normal everyday wear." In all reality there are very few babies who actually do sleep a full nights sleep and those mommies definitely don't look as "fabulous" as my sleep deprived self (love you Alissa T.).

• breastfeeding is hard and painful. I never expected that, I thought it was as simple as baby meets boob and eats. Apparently I was delusional. However, it's totally worth staying positive and persevering through. The experience is amazing and I'd fight again to keep it going. I'll probably be breastfeeding Edison into his toddler years which is something I never thought I'd be open to.

• labour hurts, a lot! Moms everywhere weren't lying or joking around. It's intense and sometimes kind of scary but totally "doable" and has the ability to make you feel like your superwoman.

• stretch marks are a sign of love, as if to say "welcome to the mommy club, you're fabulous, you did it!" I'm actually proud of mine and never expected to feel that way.

• babies cry, a lot. Babies cluster feed, a lot. Babies want you, a lot. My life is completely different than it was before I had Edison. I remember moms telling me before I had him that everything would change and they were right. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I fully expected to love my baby but I can easily become overwhelmed with emotion for him. I cry frequently and thank God daily for my baby boy. When you have a baby be prepared for your heart strings to be tugged hard.

• every mom and every baby are different and respond to each other differently. Every mother and child relationship is different which is why I've come to rely on my mommy instincts a lot. I realize there's always going to be someone with an opinion on how to raise my son but I'm his mommy so I know what's best for him. Me, nobody else.

• cloth diapers are fun, cheap and cute and I love using them until laundry day when they stink and I have to remember the rinse cycle.

• sometimes my baby cries so much that I want to scream and cry and eat a lot of ice cream. So I've learned that it's completely acceptable to ask for help and that taking a shower is a great way to feel human again.

• I'm a mommy when it's dark and light out. Therefore, if Edi needs me at night while I'm sleeping then that's ok. I'll always wake up for him.

Ok, that's it for now. Maybe I'll post more later when I think of them.
N.

Does Edison sleep?!

One of the questions I get asked all the time is "how does Edison sleep" or "how was your night last night?" It's such a hot topic, everyone seems to be interested in knowing if my baby sleeps "through the night". So I've decided to answer that question here for all those interested.

No! My baby boy absolutely does not even closely resemble an infant who "sleeps through the night." I'm lucky to get three straight hours of sleep and sometimes it's a miracle if I get four. I frequently stumble around my home like a sleep deprived zombie and I drink at least two cups of coffee (yes, even while exclusively breast feeding) a day. I also hold my baby while he takes his naps and frequently bed share with him throughout the days when I need a nap too.

So you may say, "wow! Nicole how do you cope? Just let him cry." And to that comment I respond with "thanks, that might work for you and that's ok but I refuse to implement the cry it out method and that's ok too." And you know what? It is!

It's ok for me to wake up several times during the night because I've come to understand that my parenting doesn't stop when it gets dark outside. I'm still Edison's mommy at night, in bed and asleep just as much as I am his mommy during the day and awake. So if my baby needs me, he gets me. This too will not last, this too is just a season in my boys life and one day far in the future I'll miss my nights of nursing him back to sleep for the third time by 4am.

I'm taking my time transferring him to his room in his crib. I'm allowing my bed be a haven for him if he needs to nurse back to sleep at 6am. I used to be worried. I was nervous, stressed and terrified thinking that I was doing it wrong. Believing the lies that he'll never learn to sleep on his own or trying out any method possible to get him to sleep longer. And then I decided to say NO! I'm following my gut, I'm trusting my child. I'm parenting my baby my way and I'm not going to worry about this anymore. I'm going to wait out what my son needs, I'm going to wait for when HE is ready to sleep through the night in his crib. But until then what I'm doing is just fine, in fact it's perfect! And if that's a little "crunchy momma attachment style" for you then I'm sorry (not really)!

So no, there's no sleeping through the night here. Instead there's a lot of night nursing, walking, cuddling and gliding with some dreaming mix in. And I'm okay with that.
So now, Where's my coffee??
N.

Today was hard.

Today was hard. So. Damn. Hard. From the moment I woke up with Edi to the second I stepped into my in laws place and all the moments from then to now, was full of a screaming, crying, kicking, spit upping, mess of a baby boy. Cue exhausted mommy.

Yet, in the midst of the screams my baby boy still existed in the chaos and I kissed many kisses, hugged many hugs, held him tight and did everything I could to try and help him while keeping some of me for myself. I put him down in the midst of the screams just to pee and put on some clothing to feel normal and breathe a few deep breaths of calm.

Thank-you to all my friends who wrote a comment on FB, sent up a prayer and a virtual hug and offered to come over. One thing I know for sure is that becoming a mommy has opened up a world of support and love from friends that I had not realized before. The friendships that have strengthened and others that have rekindled and more that have resurfaced are full of encouragement, love and a commonality that transcends all else. So THANK-YOU! Thank-you, thank-you! So much!

Here's to hoping and praying that the night is good tonight still and tomorrow is great and my strength increases. I'm learning so much from my Edison about myself and who I wish to be for my little guy while learning about who he is too.

This mommy job is the hardest thing I've ever gotten myself into, but I couldn't imagine my life without the boy behind today's crazy. He's too cute and too special and has such a grip on my heart. I love you Edison Lyle.

N.

It's been a while...

It's been a while since I made a real blog post about something. I had so many things to say before and now I feel like the things I could talk about aren't making their way out as easily as before.

Edison is doing great! I went to the doc again recently to check in and inquire again about his reflux. He's been MUCH better! The spit up he does do isn't as thick or gross as before so I'm glad. I've been struggling so much with keeping dairy free but it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference with him. Although, the past couple of weeks he's had the nastiest smelling farts. He could clear rooms! I'm not exaggerating, just ask Cam.

It's as though four has been Edison's lucky number, as soon as he turned four months things changed for the positive! And this momma is so very happy for that. He did so many different things so quickly (like over night) such as grabbing toys, observing everything so much more intently, giggling, grabbing faces, only wanting mommy to hold him, etc. I feel like my newborn baby is long gone and my baby boy who will crawl & explore is fast approaching. This boy of mine is definitely showing his personality and I'm loving it! I see so much of both Cam and I in him which is so fun.

We are working on a few things right now that at times seem overwhelming but having Cams strong support has been great. Edison finally has a good bedtime routine! We get him ready between 8-8:30pm depending on when he starts to get fussy. Cam changes his diaper and puts him in a sleeper and then his Ergococoon (best swaddler we've used so far) and then hands him over to me on the glider for boob. Edi and I glide until he's asleep and then he goes straight into his playpen (between 8:30-9pm). It's been working beautifully and I'm thrilled to finally have some time with Cam alone at night before we go to bed. After about a month of this I'm going to start to change the routine slightly each night with the goal that by the time he's a year old he'll be sleeping in his crib in his room alone. I'm in NO rush however (that's obvious) and I've accepted that this routine is perfect for us and I'm thrilled with it.

Cam and I are also keeping on with our gluten free journey. I'm thinking about blogging more often about my struggles concerning going gluten free and document how its going, what I'm doing and how I'm feeling. I've been struggling so much emotionally with it. I'm sure I'm close to being full blown celiac and I'm certain that gluten free will save my health but I've been so addicted to wheat that it's been so hard to commit to a lifestyle that's harder when it's so much easier to fall back into old habits that have been keeping me sick (and fat). Thank goodness my husband is doing this with me. I need his support cause I've already wanted to give up so many times. I'm re-reading the book wheat belly over and over to remind me why I'm doing this. I think my biggest motivation now is my son and my strong desire to give him a sibling and have a really great second pregnancy.

Ok, this is long enough! Until next time, N.
once again, more Edison pics

Happy 4 month Edison!! (On Sept. 11)

Age: My baby is four months old! He's starting to look less & less like a baby & more like a little man.

Weight & height: we are going to the doc tomorrow but my guess for weight is around 15lbs.

Clothing: I've been taking some of his 3-6 month onesies out of his drawer now & placing them into his storage bucket. He's still fitting 6 month stuff really well & his 9 month stash looks good. I'm probably going to add some 9 month items to his drawer by the end of September. I'm currently working on accumulating his 12 month wardrobe. I LOVE his overalls, they're the most adorable thing on him.

Newest Likes:
• rolling over
* his ergo cocoon
* "talking"
* laughing
* grabbing faces
* eating noses
* sticking his tongue out
* blowing bubbles
* grabbing everything to put in his mouth (still mastering the stretch to reach for things)
* laying down to play
* being walked around & shown new "scenery"

Dislikes:
• gas
* teething (don't we all)
* still dislikes the car but a little less hatred than the previous month
* being put down
* when mommy sneezes

Development:
• holds his head up so well
• smiles really big & is starting to laugh/giggle too
• rolls over (so exciting!!)
• grabs things & holds onto them or puts them into his mouth
• drools all over himself
• leans forward
• "crawls" up your shoulder when you hold him
• more of a screaming type cry when he gets hysterical

All the above still apply, not sure what's really new other than he actually giggles now. He grabs & is starting to reach for things to bring to his mouth. He's starting to sleep at night a little longer now that we're starting a routine & have him swaddled in his cocoon.

Hows mom doing?: I'm much more confident in myself as a mother to my Edi. He's the best little guy and I love him more than I could have ever imagined. I'm thrilled to be going to the doctor again tomorrow with my list of questions to hopefully get answers for Edison. His spit ups are less but I'm noticing he's spitting up & chocking on it & swallowing it back down again (gross!) all day long. So I think she must be able to help with that.

Lately I've been really bummed out about my weight. I've gained back some after Edison's birth and my initial weight loss was amazing but feels less of an accomplishment. I got cravings & lack of sleep & exhaustion & all those excuses have set in & I'm back up on the scale. I very much want my next pregnancy to be as healthy as possible (no, NOT currently trying) so I MUST loose weight to accomplish that goal. It's really eating me up inside which is causing more stress & anxiety over the issue & so I eat more & the cycle continues. I very much want to be completely gluten free for life & so that's the continued goal I'm striving for. Hoping to start boot camp in October.

Well, Edi is finally asleep & it's time to get him in bed. Until next time. I'll leave you with some really cute Edison pictures!
N.

Edison rolls!

It just happened, a few days ago I put Edison on his back on the soft blankets like usual and BAM! He rolled onto his stomach. I was shocked but thrilled and continued putting him on his back throughout the day and each time he rolled! But not only that, he's trying so hard to crawl too. I'm in so much trouble! I think my boy is going to be a very active little guy who ends up crawling really soon.


What am I going to do to keep up with him? I'm not ready for this. All the sudden it's challenging to dress him cause he's rolling all over the place. Oh well, it'll be fun and if not I can just wear him in my ring sling all the time :)


Oh and Cam & I are still working on what to do about our sleeping arrangement. I think Cams waking Edi up at night sometimes (maybe I am too) so moving him might be good? I have no idea, I'm still so unsure of it all. Any good book recommendations on the topic? I'm not concerned about the sleeping through the night thing. I'm more concerned about the moving him to his crib thing. But then again I think I'm more comfortable with co-sleeping than I thought I'd be and it surprises me that I'm doing it. But I feel that since I was always told that babies sleep in their own cribs the fact that I'm actually co-sleeping now and am okay with it is something that I'm unfamiliar with. There is still that huge fear that if I don't move him now then it'll never happen. Wow! There's too much stress surrounding this. I'll stop talking about it now.

Diet update: I'm no longer eating eggs, dairy, gluten (which means no wheat), goats cheese, dried fruit & cabbage (gassy veggies). I'm currently working on also eliminating caffeine. All because my baby is really sensitive, you should of smelled him yesterday his gas was really really stinky.

Oh well, it's not all bad cause I've already lost 3.6lbs in 15 days! I feel really good and so does my baby, lots of smiles today :)
N.

Another hard day

Today was another one of those hard days, the type where I stay in my pjs with unwashed hair because my son is screaming so often. The type where I look at him with tears in my eyes because I just don't know why. The type where I question when these hard days will end.

I love my son.

I love his precious smile and his coos. I love the way he grabs my fingers to chew on and how he looks up at me when he nurses. I love it when he buries his head in my shoulder and how only I have the privilege of supplying his meals. I love his big blue eyes and adore that his nose looks similar to mine.

But I'm saddened when days like today happen and my smiling boy is replaced with a screaming, teary eyed mess of a child. A child that won't take my hugs or kisses or attempts at comfort. A child that seems impossible to please. A child that feels so far from my sweet, precious boy. A child that I still so desperately love. And I sit there with tears welling up in my eyes, holding him tight and beg to understand what the heck is going on.

There was no excessive spit up today but lots of tummy rumbling, lots of farting, lots of drooling and a more irritated than normal diapered bum. I've eaten no dairy or gluten (to my knowledge) in the past 24 hours and actually feel pretty good physically. Yet, my son has cried himself to such a hysterical point that he turned bright red and went stiff as a board several times today.

What. The. F@$k. Seriously!!

I love being a mommy. I love watching my baby boy grow up and I believe this is my greatest calling in life. But it feels so damn hard when the crying won't end and my baby is in obvious pain and I can't seem to do anything right to help him. What do I do? When will this end? But at the same time, dear God I don't want to miss it! I want to enjoy my three month old little man, he will never be this little ever again. But please, may his screaming turn to laughter soon really really soon.


I just don't know what's going on anymore 😢
N.

Happy 3 months Edison!

Age: My baby is three months old, WOW! It's going so fast!

Weight & height: when I had Edison weighed a couple weeks ago he was 12lbs. I'm assuming that he's around 13lbs now or more! I'll weigh him soon. He's currently 60 cm long.

Clothing: All of his 3-6 month sizes & 6 month onesies are currently in his drawer. A couple 3 month pants are still fitting him around the waist but are a little short. I'm buying cute 9 month size clothes now when I find them at good prices. And if anyone has used 9 month sized clothes they want to pass on I'm more than willing to take them!!

Likes:
• jolly jumper
• sleeping on daddy
• his soothie soother
• Ollie the elephant (his stuffie)
• blue ball rattle
• lying down on his blankets to kick
• watching the tv
• funny faces
• his Ergo baby carrier (most days)
• sucking on fingers (his & ours)
• baths & kicking the water
• sitting up to look around
• sleeping beside me in my bed or on our couch
• smiling, cooing & "talking"
• being held upright

Dislikes:
• car rides (unless someone is sitting beside him in the car)
• tummy time
• waiting for boob
• dairy, HATES dairy!
• wet hair in the tub
• napping in his cradle
• being alone at any point in time
• gas bubbles & tummy grumbles

Development:
• holds his head up so well
• smiles really big & is starting to laugh/giggle too
• rolls over (so exciting!!)
• grabs things & holds onto them or puts them into his mouth
• drools all over himself
• leans forward
• "crawls" up your shoulder when you hold him
• more of a screaming type cry when he gets hysterical


Hows mom doing?: I'm doing great! Especially since I've decided to just listen to my boy and offer him milk whenever he's showing signs of possible hunger. It's obvious by the above photo that Edison has definitely grown in the past month. He hasn't even had formula feeds so that's all due to my milk production. I'm no longer stressed or worried about my production, now I'm just worried about whats in my milk. Since we discovered Edison's reflux problem we decided I would go dairy and gluten-free, it's been remarkable how different he is now! I've even had friends who have seen Edi at his worst testify to me how different he is now! It's not just me experiencing a different baby, others are too! We're sure its my diet affecting him because as soon as I accidentally consume foods containing gluten or dairy we can see the averse effects in Edison's behavior an hour or so after he eats. So the really hard days (when Edi reacts) keep me motivated to stick to my new diet and be extra careful. I hope I end up loosing some weight in the process too, that'd be nice.

I'm also reading wheat belly but I'll write a different post on that later.

Happy three months to my little guy, you're growing too fast my love.
N.

Tell me why do I own this crib that's never used??

Edison is the best at cuddling, he just loves to snuggle up at my boob and put himself to sleep. And if my boob isn't anywhere in sight then he'll settle for a soothie and some rocking to catch his z's. But then try and put him in his crib or playpen and in minutes you've got a wide awake hysterically crying little man. He's not a happy boy when sleeping alone and I'm getting to the point where I really want to encourage that to change.

I never imagined that I'd become the mom that would co-sleep with her baby. I always questioned the practice and deemed it unsafe and a complete nuisance. I mean why would I want to share my bed, I already share it! But then Edison came along of course and I ended up reading tons of articles on the benefits of co-sleeping and after a few sleepless nights I said screw it and Edi has ended up in our bed half way through the night ever since. And I've really noticed how different the nights are when I bring Edi into our bed compared to the nights when I'm fighting him to fall back asleep so I can get him back to his bed and me back to mine.

Yet, I'm back and forth in all this. I think to myself that things seem fine. He's needing comfort and my breasts seem to be the place he's choosing for that. But then there's moments (more often lately) when I'm wishing I could just put him in his crib for his nap so I can get the loads of laundry done or take a much needed nap and shower. I don't want this to become a bigger issue in a couple months when he's older and more aware. But then I don't want to rush what he's not ready for, I'm really not sure where to go from here.

What do I do? Where do I start? I have no clue. I knew that the three month mark was when I wanted to start doing something to establish routine and move Edison slowly to his crib. I'm not so desperate to get him in his crib at night so much as I am to get him there for his naps and then transition him after he's napping in his crib most of his naps. I'm realizing though that this is going to take some serious dedication (and tears) but I'm not willing to do the cry it out method. That method is just not for us, no judgement if you did it, I just don't want to. So what do I do? How do I start? What's best? I'm no longer worried about Edison nursing to sleep on me (a non issue on my opinion) but I do want him to sleep in his crib after his feeds if he's sleepy. That transition is the most important for me to start working on. Because right now he'll only sleep on either me or Cam or my mom most times. And only stay sleeping if he's being held.


I never anticipated that I'd have to teach my new baby how to sleep. Shouldn't that just be built in from birth? I think it should be!
N.

World breastfeeding week, we're doing great!

Wednesday marked the first day of world breastfeeding week and it's the first time I've actually paid attention. My life is now completely changed, this adorable little boy has claimed my boobies as his property and like during my pregnancy, my body is not my own.

But I've come to understand that it's okay, breastfeeding is all apart of my relationship with my son and I wouldn't have it any other way. And after all our hard work, after the many tears, frustrating moments and appointments, I've come to understand that my breastfeeding relationship is just between Edison and I. We get to choose how this relationship evolves, nobody else is apart of it, nobody else has a say, it's just us and I'm starting to gain the confidence I need to listen to just my son and block the rest of the world out.


So if Edison nurses too frequently for your liking, well tough! And if his latching to fall asleep or our frequent co sleeping isn't something you agree with, well I don't care. And if you think that my time is too valuable and shouldn't be spent on the couch with my son, then I'm here to tell you that you're wrong! I'm not listening to you doctors anymore who tell me that I'm doing it wrong because in my heart I know I'm doing it right for us.

I've decided that I'm only listening to my son from now on. My boy knows exactly what he needs and I believe he has the ability to tell me exactly what that is. I trust him! He has his own personality, his own likes and dislikes which aren't the same as every other infant. So I'll stop comparing him to every other infant and start realizing that he is his own and I'm his mother who loves him just as he is. Especially during his frequent late night feeds and the times he needs a snuggle and a long suckle because his gas bubbles are bothering him. Moments like these are passing by far too quickly and he'll eventually reject my milk for something else. So I'll hold onto my gassy son who has found a home at my breasts and treasure all these moments for as long as they will last. I may even nurse longer than I ever expected, I don't know. But since we have worked so hard at breastfeeding I feel that cutting him off at a certain age just because he reached that point isn't for us. This may make others uncomfortable and I guess I'm preparing myself for that but I'm quite certain that I'll be breastfeeding my son into his toddler years. But of course only if he wants it. I know I have my husbands support and that's all that matters.

So to my soon to be mommy friends please find confidence in yourself and trust in your child. Please realize that breastfeeding is hard for the majority of us and your baby may feed for what feels like all the time but that it's normal. And if you need encouragement and help then seek out a lactation specialist (Cloverdale public health is amazing!) or a post partum doula (I know a couple amazing ones too!) there is real support out there, I promise!
N.

damn you dairy!

I accidentally had dairy yesterday at dinner and this morning for breakfast and as a result, last night followed by all day today has sure been a challenge. My sweet boy is back to spitting up excessively (all over me and down my back, ew!) his smiles have gone and are now replaced once again with tears and screams. I didn't mean to "test the theory" but these past 17 hours have sure got me convinced that my boy has a very real dairy sensitivity.

I'm exhausted, running on four hours of sleep is not fun. Even with two cups of coffee and help from my mom. So I sure hope that once this leaves his system then he'll sleep at night again. Just waiting on Cam to come home so I can nap, I'm not going to make it much longer.

So I guess I'll leave you with another picture of my very cute son with his new sun glasses from his Uncle Jason.


N.

Something new to blog about

Blogging has always been my way to journal my thoughts, emotions, life events and have them documented just for me. I never imagined my entries would be read by the many people that have contacted me to tell me so. Or the many people my mom frequently converses with who tell her they keep up with my life through my blog. I'm touched! I'm thrilled, SO much love and support has come through this blog and many friendships have begun or have been rekindled because of it. I'm very happy for that. It turns out that mothers everywhere have a common language and offer all sorts of support, I'm very excited to be apart of that club now! So thank you if you've been reading for a while now, I appreciate you! Honestly, I do.

And I promise I won't stop blogging about Edison and our journey together. Things are still going very well, I feel much more confident, more empowered as a mother and much less stressed. The experience we went through really helped me to recognize what my mommy instincts sound like and look like.

But now I have something else to blog about and I feel if I throw it out there into the world then I can't hide or give up on it. Cam approached me a couple weeks ago with the idea of eating wheat free, for himself! Now this is a man who only eats carbs some days and loves a cold beer always. I was SHOCKED! Even more so when he started a blog no-wheat-for-a-year and was actually serious about it. So we discussed it and both agree that going wheat free means establishing better health habits for us and our son. With Edison having come into our family we realize how essential it is that we start changing things now and this to us is a first step.

I've had digestion issues for ten years now and I'm positive that I'm gluten intolerant so staying away from wheat is only good for me and my health. And if my husband is going wheat free then how can I justify still eating it when out of the two of us I'm the one that needs to stay away from it the most?

So, of course I'll blog about it here and express my joy and frustrations along the way. I guess I'll have to adopt a whole new way of thinking in regards to what I eat. Especially since I'm still eating dairy free for Edison. I hope I'll drop some weight too along the way but that's not my focus.

So starting August 1st I'll be wheat & dairy free! Wish me luck and if you know of some great recipes send them my way. And check out Cams blog too, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.
N.

I've got a happy baby today!!!

I don't know what it is and maybe I'm going to jinx it by posting this but Edison has had such a fantastic day today! He hasn't even spat up yet like has earlier in the week, just one little one when he was lying down. He's only been drooling which is no big deal. I can handle drool! He's only been crying for boob and when he's tired for sleep or a diaper change, just the normal baby stuff. There hasn't been any screaming at all like before when he had a gas or reflux episode.

But the day and night are not over yet and thats when he was screaming the most so we might still be in for a rough night tonight. Fingers crossed that this very happy and smiley boy of mine sticks around.

Whats interesting though is the only thing I've changed in the last 24 hours is eliminating dairy from my diet. So maybe I'm onto something!!! Only time will tell for sure :)

N.

So, reflux it is

Edison & I patiently waiting for the doctor.


Well, we saw the doctor and it was confirmed that Edison has reflux. However, because he's healthy otherwise and gaining weight there's no reason to put him on medication. He is an excessive spitter but is still within the realm of normal. I mentioned his eating habits and he recommended on demand feeding and didn't seem very worried about a low milk supply. He mentioned that the weights Edison has had the last few times are great and not to be concerned about them. He said supplementing all the time isn't something I should do cause it'll take Edi away from my breast and then my milk will go lower.

So how do I feel about all this? Actually, relief because someone finally told me that everything is okay and what I've been doing is perfect for my baby. So I'll continue to feed on demand, I'll continue to keep Edi upright after feeds and burp him often. I'll start eating dairy and wheat free to see if that makes a difference in his behavior (plus it won't hurt me to get healthier) and I'll FINALLY stop stressing and stop worrying. Instead I'll continue to enjoy every moment with my boy, even if in those moments I'm covered in spit up.

Now to go catch up on some laundry!

N.

Getting to the bottom of it

This whole experience has proven to be overwhelming, Cam says it best when he describes it as surviving. I've been told my milk is low, then it's a dairy problem in my diet, a reflux issue in Edi, there's the need to supplement but then he doesn't take it. We did formula too ups for four days with horrible side affects, worse than the actual spit up problem we've been dealing with. It's been a whirlwind of this and that and the other. It's been hard to sift through the advice of the professionals and my friends, everyone trying to help us figure this out. Even my chiropractor said that Edison is one of the most complicated cases he's come across.

So what's going on? Edison spits up, A LOT! It's not projectile vomit but there have been mornings where he spits up while I'm changing him up to three-four times and I'm wiping him down trying to get him clean again. We had to bathe him every day last week cause he stunk so much like sour milk and had explosive soft peanut butter like poops that oozed everywhere (it was nasty!). He's been screaming too, like hysterical crying and won't latch to eat, won't take a bottle, he goes stiff as a board and puts his arm up by his ear and grabs it and pulls. When he gets to that point it's heart breaking and we just scoop him up to comfort him but it's almost like no matter what we do he isn't comforted. We've tried gripe water, ovol, warm baths (which he loves), bicycle legs and keeping him upright after he eats (which seems to be helping).

Edison also doesn't eat very well, he's a lazy eater and takes forever to take in just a couple ounces. We know he only eats about two ounces off me because we've taken him to the nurse who had weighed him before and after a feed. Even if he takes the top up bottle he'll take a good 15-20 minutes to eat it. And then he spits up every time afterwards so an hour or two after he eats he'll cry to eat again. I know that he needs 3-4 ounces right now at each feed but since he only eats about 2 ounces off me and sometimes takes his top ups and then spits up about 2-3 times afterwards I know he's definitely not eating enough. But is this ok?! His weight gain I think is getting closer to where it's supposed to be right now but what about later on when he's bigger?

I'm on meds to increase my milk and the fenugreek, I pump after he eats as much as I can and I'm trying to figure out how to comfort him without latching him. Because there are days when all he wants is to be latched onto me all day long. The lactation specialist said that being latched on me is obviously his comfort place and therefore him wanting to be there a lot may mean he's uncomfortable, that something's bothering him. And so his being latched so often suckling and lazy eating hasn't given my boobs the opportunity to empty so my brain isn't telling my breasts that Edi needs more milk so my supply is getting low. But Edison may be eating so little so often because of reflux, but then does he really have reflux or am I seeing things that aren't really there? Am I over reacting? Is this really a problem or am I making it out to be one? Am I remembering things right or seeing things that are not there because of my serious lack of sleep? I'm just so confused!

So what should I do? I'm seeing my doc for Edison today, the lactation consultant I saw said she'd call my doc to tell him about what she is concerned about after seeing us. I hope that if there is something going on then we get to the bottom of it. At first it was my milk production and then after pursuing that it's turned into a quest to see what's going on with Edison (if anything at all). I just want to enjoy this journey with my son and not miss a moment. I want to breastfeed SO BADLY for as long as possible. I want the moments of smiles and coos to increase while the spit ups, tears and gas bubbles decrease.

I hope things turn around soon,
N.

More milk

Check list of ways to increase milk production:

* pump for 5 minutes after as many feeds as you can right after baby finishes on each boob

CHECK!

* drink massive amounts of water throughout the day so you're peeing like you did when you were pregnant

CHECK!

* eat an additional 300-500 calories even though you were desperately hoping to drop your extra weight

CHECK!

* drink mothers milk tea, take fenugreek & that other medication prescribed that does some other things too that can make you feel funky

CHECK!

* eat papaya DAILY! mmmmm.... Papaya

CHECK!

* snuggle & cuddle baby skin to skin or their skin to your very low v-neck shirt

CHECK!

* Compressions! Compressions! & more breast compressions!

CHECK!

Oh and lastly...

* you know your milk is increasing when you finally feel that crazy stinging let down sensation after every feed & between feeds & during feeds! And although it HURTS, it's one of the best feelings because it means that milk is accumulating in the boobies :)

Also, believe you can accomplish all you put your mind to. Listen to your motherly instincts when they tell you something isn't right for you and your baby and trust in it. Do what works best for YOU, no matter what & search all of your options.

I'm not going back to the clinic in Vancouver, I didn't feel right about implementing what they said. So after seeing my post partum doula I feel confident in doing what I was doing before and seeing the lactation specialist I saw at public health for a second opinion. I'm just waiting on a call back for an appointment time.

Things are starting to look up. I am once again enjoying breast feeding my sweet boy!

N.


Edison's milk coma the other day, there's no way this would have happened if I kept myself strict on the ONLY ten minutes a side routine Vancouver clinic had me on. There was no time for bonding, for comfort or sleepy moments like this on that stupid regiment so we're back to what we want. I am going to someone else hopefully this week for their expert opinion & to weight Edi. I'm hoping his weight has caught back up again & this whole thing is behind us as long as I stick to the above milk supply tricks 😊.

I hate this!

I need to be real right now, I need to express exactly how I feel right at this moment so when I look back and read this I can see how far I've really come.

I HATE THIS! I hate that I have to take drugs to help me make milk. I hate that those drugs that are supposed to help me are making me dizzy & giving me a horrible headache instead. I hate that I soon will smell of maple syrup from a stupid herb I need to also take & drink a tea that tastes like grass clippings. I hate that I have to constantly pump and see just DROPS fall into the bottle each time. I hate that after only a timed ten minutes feed on each boob I have to hand my baby off to someone else or put him down in his cradle instead of watching him fall asleep satisfied. I HATE that I'm not enjoying this like I once was. I HATE that I'm feeling less bonded to Edison because he's not latched as much anymore. I HATE that it's feeling confining, more & more difficult & leaving me feel defeated & feeling like less of a mom. I hate that it hasn't gone like I desperately hoped it would, and I wish that I would have been more educated & informed at the beginning to help me be more successful on my own. I hate that I'm so afraid I'll never be able to make enough milk for Edison. I hate that the hemorrhage and my blood loss is part of what's to blame. I hate that all I want to do is cry over it & eat bowls of chocolate ice cream.

I just want a routine that will work and so I'm hiring a post partum doula who was highly recommended to me for help. She'll be my cheerleader in my home & help further identify the problem & how to set up my routine here at the house to be more successful. I need someone, I don't want to give up on this.

Because in the midst of hating so many aspects of this struggle, I love it too much to quit and I'm SO grateful for the encouragement being sent my way. So thank you to everyone who has shared with me their similar struggles to show me that I'm not the only one who has dealt with this. I very much appreciate hearing the words that I'm not failing, that I'm a good mother for keeping on, that it'll change & get easier. I hope you're right, with all my heart I hope you're right.

N.

Edison is two months old! & Vancouver clinic visit went very well :)

Age: My baby is two months old today! Wow! There have been so many changes in him.

Weight & height: Edi weighs in now at 11.6lbs, that's not a very good gain. Only gained 1.1lbs this month, less than he's supposed to. He's about 23.22 inches in length now too.

Clothing: because he hasn't been gaining much weight most 0-3 month onesies still fit! So we have a much larger selection of clothes than I thought we would at this point. All of his 3-6 month sizes & 6 month onesies are currently in his drawer too.

Likes: correction from last month, Edison enjoys being latched! But will only eat 6-8 minutes MAX each side and then fall asleep but will scream if taken off and not allowed to suckle. So my little man is a total boob guy.

He really likes sitting up alone to kick and look at stuff. He watches the tv because of the flashing pictures that keep his attention. We are borrowing a swing which he seems to enjoy more and more. He likes his soothie even more than last month and falls asleep with it every time. He's found his fist which he enjoys sucking while making the most adorable noises. He's the cutest little man :)

Dislikes: Edison still hates his car seat but only when it's in the car and he's alone in the back seat. If someone is with him in the back or his seat is out of the car then he's fine. He still dislikes a wet head in the bath but stopped screaming during diaper changes. He hates having to wait for milk and very much dislikes falling asleep alone.

Development: Edison has been cooing, he turns his head to noises or people that interest him, he is smiling a lot more and "talks". He is doing better at tummy time but still hates it, he does so much better with lifting his head when held.

Hows mom doing?: I am doing fabulous! I had my follow up glucose test which came back NEGATIVE! Wahoo! Which means NO diabetes, so happy! My hemoglobin is also back to normal which is apparently not all that common for it to go back to normal so quickly after so much blood loss.

My breast milk production hasn't been that great though but we're working hard on it. I went to the Vancouver breast feeding clinic which was a really great experience. The doctor I got was fantastic! She recognized the problem very quickly and was sweet yet firm with informing me about it and how to move forward. So basically what's happening is that Edison is just hanging out at the boob suckling but not eating, he's falling asleep really quickly which isn't telling my brain to make more milk. Therefore, my milk supply is low and not sufficient for my growing boy. He's getting only two ounces of milk from a feed (that's including both sides) when at his age he should be eating three to four ounces total. So he's only getting half of what he is supposed to. No wonder he's only gained one pound this month, poor guy.

Although his gain is small let me me make it very clear that Edison was never in any danger. We were going to the doctor for weekly weigh ins to monitor him. I would NEVER put my son in danger on purpose, and I was never starving him. I offered him boob constantly, he was getting food but just not enough. Hence why I was constantly breast feeding (every 1-2 hours) and could never go out anywhere.

SO, we have a new routine given by the doctor. He gets to eat on each side for ten minutes which is timed and then I pump each side immediately after he's done for five minutes and feed Edison the pumped milk. I need to give Edison two ounces at each feed for a top up (to get his feed to 3-4 ounces total, assuming he's still getting 2 ounces from me) so if I can't manage to pump two ounces (which I currently can't, hence why he's not getting enough food) then we give the rest of the top up as formula.

How am I feeling about all of this? I'm doing better accepting the fact that this is just a hiccup and NOT a defeat. The doc said the goal is to get my milk up and phase out the top ups. But because of the blood loss affecting my milk production so much I may never be able to keep up to Edison's needs. But I'm going to continue to do everything I can. Including the pumping, prescription meds, mothers milk tea and fenugreek pills. I'm just wishing so much that it wouldn't have to be this hard but then again this whole pregnancy and baby experience has been challenging and has made me stronger. I sure am learning a lot about myself and my body. I'm also committing to eating better to respect my body and it's sensitivities to help my body be the best milk producing machine!! So this means it's time I actually DO the gluten free diet and give my body the ability to heal and use its energy to make milk!

So hopefully come next month I'll be updating you with a picture of a plump Edison and news of my abundant milk supply :)
N.


Edison at one month & two months. What a difference in his face!

Going to Vancouver for help

I'm going to the breastfeeding clinic in Vancouver. It's official! This Thursday I get to see someone for help and get to the bottom of this. I'm THRILLED!!

Edison isn't in any immediate danger but he is gaining less than the daily recommended amount of weight. In the doctors office Thursday afternoon it became clear that if I don't change something soon then Edison won't develop or grow properly. We suspect it's my milk supply but I'm sure there's probably other factors too. So the doc put me on a feed & pump, feed & pump routine. And made it clear that if I go out and about out of the house all day and ignore the routine then I'm not putting my breastfeeding commitment first. If I don't put it first then my beautiful boy has no chance of getting what he needs to grow. So of course I'm doing what I need to do and will continue to do it with a smile on my face.


When Edison was born he was in the 50-75th percentile for weight but at his last weigh in he dropped on the chart to the 25-50th percentile. So because of this drop and lack of adequate weight gain the word formula was thrown around in the doctors office. Now don't get me wrong, if you chose to feed your children formula I have nothing against your choice. I respect your decision, there are many moms I love and respect who have fed their children formula. But for me I'm determined to breastfeed. I will exhaust all other options before I rely on formula. So off to the clinic I go.

I even have a prescription for a milk producing drug but will give the mothers milk tea, fennel tea and fenugreek a try first. I'm going to start smelling like maple syrup really soon, so if you aren't a fan of maple syrup you might want to stay away from me for a little while.

But you know what the best news was out of my appointment? My sugar numbers are fabulous and my hemoglobin is back to normal. My doctor was so excited and actually surprised by my hemoglobin. She was surprised because it normally takes 100 days for a persons hemoglobin to return to normal after losing the amount of blood I lost. And mine returned to normal in less than two months! YAY! So thank-you for your prayers for my recovery, God certainly listened and blessed me! And to all of you who brought over food and just loved me through it have been apart of making this quick recovery possible so THANK-YOU once again!! Having Edison has really shown me how loved I am and how many true friends I really do have.


It's been so fantastic! :)
N.