The days and weeks before Edison came I remember feeling inadequate. That I wouldn't know what to do, how to do it, how could I possibly be a mother? All the sudden it seemed so overwhelming and all consuming. So I distracted myself with the labor process, I meditated a lot of my anxieties away with prayer and by the time Edison made his appearance those feelings were gone. Now in it's place I'm overwhelmed with love for him.

On Mother's Day, when I was discharged I remember standing at the door to my room staring at the bed. Tears formed in my eyes as I flashed back to the moments of the day before as I birthed my son. In that room, #219 my life changed forever and the most incredible moments took place. I didn't feel ready to leave that behind.

Being a mother means more to me than I expected. I'm definitely still weepy, looking at my son I can easily start crying tears of joy! I think about the future, he will grow up. He'll start to look different, walk, talk, read, get into mischief. He'll eventually go to school, play sports (probably), drive, grow super tall and start dating. One day he'll make me a mother-in-law and maybe even a grandma! YIKES! But today... right now, my son is falling asleep as he breast feeds and I get to kiss his cheek and fall deeper in love with him.


This is going to go by quickly, and I really don't want to miss a moment of it.
N.

Breast feeding, it's hard!!

I was so naive, even after reading book after book I thought that I'd be perfectly capable of breast feeding right from the start, no problem! I mean, why wouldn't I be able to? I have boobs, he is a baby who needs my milk, stick baby on breast and done! Well, for some women it truly is that simple (& if that's you I don't need to hear it). But for others, like myself, it doesn't come so easy right from the start and we need to work at it. And it hurts, a lot! Both emotionally and physically. Which isn't exactly the greatest when your already hormonal and weepy.

Last week Cam and I saw a lactation specialist and if I have advice for any new mom struggling its this: DO NOT be ashamed to ask for help! It's much better for you emotionally to seek a pro and learn exactly what's wrong and how to fix it and what's normal and how to live with it. Because believe it or not breast feeding is HARD. I've been told that it doesn't stay this difficult forever but when your on day three and your milk is delayed (because of your traumatic delivery) and your newborn wants on your breast and is screaming and hasn't peed all day and your hysterical thinking that something is horribly wrong, you'll want to quit. But instead hold onto the truth like I have that "it gets easier". Because all the women who have told me that can't all be wrong at the exact same time.

Also, don't be ashamed if you find yourself doing what you thought you never would do. I think many if us have been there. Edison has slept in bed with me many times now. Co-sleeping was not something I was going to be flexible about, I did NOT want him in our bed. But when cluster feeding is apart of the equation and you're slowly loosing sleep then you'll bend your preconceived notions of how life with babe will be. And if you don't, then that's your path and I'm placing no judgement on you.

All I know for myself is that cluster feeding took me by HUGE surprise. When I was pregnant I had a few conversations with my doula about breast feeding but never physically saw anyone in "action". I never got to witness the ins and outs of everyday life with a tiny human and it's mother who breast fed. So how in the world was I supposed to really know what I was getting myself into? I didn't. I didn't understand that a newborn could want the breast so vigorously, wanting nothing more than to suckle for comfort. I've had Edison "feed" some days for up to five or six hours at a time with very few short breaks in between. So we introduced a soother which has saved my nipples but is not always effective in satisfying his need for boob.

So new moms out there, pregnant friends of mine (and there are many). BE WARNED! lol, breast feeding is beautiful and wonderful and I absolutely love the connection I have with my son because of it. But please educate yourself as much as you can before diving into it. Please take a class if you can to prepare, ask questions (I'll answer any questions) and be kind to yourself as you learn. Because there may come a night where you find yourself crying uncontrollable tears holding your baby who is screaming for milk you have yet to produce and you'll be exhausted and you'll feel defeated and you'll want to throw in the towel. But know instead that you'll be ok, babe will be ok and whatever decision you make will be the best for you. I decided to keep going and honestly, it has gotten easier. It wasn't easy right away, it's not even easy now. But it's getting better because I'm learning, I'm educating myself about boobs, milk and newborns and I'm making the conscious effort to not give up on something that is important to me.

Breast feeding is not all I thought it would be, it's harder than I expected but it's also more wonderful too! And that makes the hard parts easier, at least my couch is comfy :)
N.


And just because he's the biggest sweetie, another pic of my son to show off to you! He's changing already!

One week post delivery

It's weird not doing a belly update with all the new weekly experiences of my pregnancy. That's long gone now, my belly is deflated and in it's place I have a beautiful baby boy to love on. I wouldn't trade my life for anything in the whole world.
But since I want to keep this blog as an updated testimony to my new life as a mommy, I'll update it in a different way.

Edison is eating like CRAZY! Who knew about cluster feeds? Not I! I'm breast feeding exclusively which I love, but it's been rough. My milk didn't come in until day five because of my birth trauma, poor Edi was the one to suffer and I was an emotional wreck! So we went and saw a lactation specialist who was amazing and spent a whole hour with us. I was incredibly grateful to her for her time. She made me feel like everything is normal and okay. She reassured me that I'm doing great (YAY!). So my confidence in continuing has increased dramatically!

Edi has also got his days and nights mixed up which has caused us some loooong sleepless nights. Nothing we can't handle but we're working on switching that around.

He's the biggest cutie, super content, wide eyed and such a suckler. He'll stay on my boob all day if I let him (I don't). I love him to pieces and can't stop staring :)


As for me, see picture above! That's 41 weeks pregnant next to today, one week post baby. I decided to step on my scale this morning to see how much I've lost and where my staring point is for my weight loss goals. I was STUNNED! It said I LOST 31.1lbs! I don't even understand how that's possible, but the scale doesn't lie right?! I'm beyond thrilled, I've basically lost all the pregnancy weight in a week! And my belly although I didn't escape the mommy bulge and stretch marks, is a testament to my son and I'm grateful for it.

My recovery is going well, I'm taking it easy like doc ordered and I'm seeing my strength come back. We're slowly starting to have visitors over, family is first on Tuesday and then we're going from there. So please, if you're interested in visiting let me know (again if you have already) and we'll start talking dates!

I miss my mom & dad, they're away in Germany now looking after my great aunt Lina's estate (she died in April at the age of 109 1/2). They'll be back soon but they didn't get much time with Edi before they left and that makes me sad. But I'm sure the German chocolate they come home with will make me feel better!

Alright, bed time. Wish me luck that I actually get sleep tonight! :)
N.

Edison Lyle's birth story

Edi is happily in the arms of his daddy so I thought I'd take a second and write his birth story.

It all started on Wednesday May 8th when I had a meeting with the new doula who took me on last minute. I've known her (Heidi) for years so I felt perfectly comfortable having her be apart of my birth. Kortney had a trip scheduled to Disney land on Friday the 10th and would unfortunately miss Edison's delivery so Heidi was such a blessing!

Wednesday we tried at home, natural induction techniques to try and avoid the scheduled medical induction for Friday. We started at around 4pm and gave up that night at around 1am. It was disappointing to say the least. I felt a lot of cramping and movement but nothing took, Edi was as happy as could be inside me. We continued the natural induction all through Thursday, I walked for probably eight hours straight! I felt defeated and started doubting my body until 11am Friday morning!!! When the cramps switched to true contractions.

They got stronger and stronger throughout the morning and when the hospital called regarding my induction I informed them I was in labor hoping I didn't need to go in. Unfortunately though I still needed to go in to confirm my labor (by this time I was certain it was labor). It still felt like annoying menstural cramps which was the easiest part!

At around 3pm we were at the hospital and in triage, I was given a gown and laid happily in bed. Before I knew it I was being checked out and they confirmed I was indeed in labor but sadly only 1cm dilated. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor which was protocol and we discussed my coming back into triage after a few hours for penicillin because I was group B positive. I was experiencing stronger contractions at this time but then all the sudden there was a "pop" and a lot of water! My waters broke and I got Cam to get the doctor back, she confirmed and instead of heading home right then I was given an IV. the nurse who did my IV sucked! She put it in my left hand and went through the vein, it hurt SO bad! She then pulled it out and put it in the right hand instead and then hooked me to penicillin. After that dose I was sent home and told to come back for another at 8:45pm.
By this time my contractions picked up in intensity. I got home and immediately got in the tub, it was AMAZING! I was there for a solid two hours and time just flew.

I have no clue how I accomplished it but once the intensity started I put my mind into a state of relaxation. I was in my own world, I didn't talk, I had my eyes closed, my body still and just let go. I allowed my body to be consumed by the pain, breathed and moaned deeply through them. I may have looked peaceful (ask Cam & Heidi they said it didn't look like I was in any pain at all) but I was in crazy amounts of pain. I even sort of slept between my contractions, my years of horrible menstrual pain hell paid off in labor!
So I went back to the hospital for my second dose of penicillin we were dropped off and never expected to stay. When we got there the doctors changed shifts and I was with a different midwife. I was expecting to go home to labor because that's what I wanted and discussed with the other midwife but this new midwife wasn't having any of it. I was admitted and directed to my room (which was amazing!). I was in no state to argue so I followed. She explained that because I was group B positive, had my waters broken and not far along (remember, just 1 cm) I had to stay. I immediately got hooked to the penicillin and stripped for the tub. I spent about 8 hours in total in the tub which is crazy to me cause it felt like no time at all. I had to get out a couple times for checks and it seemed that I was staying at 6 cm for far too long.
The midwife was so annoying and constantly offered me drugs and talked oxytocin. It was hard to tune her out whenever she came in to talk to me. I did NOT want oxytocin or drugs but quickly realized that oxytocin was in my immediate future. I asked for time to think about it and talked it over with Heidi. All I knew was that oxytocin meant stronger contractions and more pain. I was already starting to loose control and focus so I knew that with oxytocin I'd be exhausted at transition and even worse when it came to push so the answer and compromise to me was an epidural if I agreed to oxytocin. When I got checked the next time I had stayed still at a 6 and so I agreed to oxytocin.

The OB was brought in my room and ordered oxytocin at 3:20am I heard them talking about it (they never really talked to me directly) and discussed that the oxytocin was to start before I got my epidural. So in my pain I spoke up, "I'm getting my epidural before you give me oxytocin!". The nurse who was incredible was the only one who listened to me and waited to administer the oxytocin until after my epidural was given. My epidural was delayed because the only one to administer it was in a surgery so I waited and so did my awesome nurse. Once the oxytocin was hooked up to me it was three hours after the OB ordered it and she was NOT happy about it. My nurse got in trouble and was asked to discuss what happened out in the hall. I felt horrible for her but loved her and what she did for me, she actually LISTENED to me! I made sure to thank her for giving me the epidural first. I wanted to hug her!

I knew that my favorite doctor and who I was seeing for prenatal care was next on shift. I was thrilled when she came into my room and took over my care. The epidural, although I thought I'd never want it, really made me happy and I actually enjoyed my labor experience. It was so great to be me again and enjoy what was happening around me. My oxytocin was consistently increasing because my body wasn't producing strong enough contractions. I was progressing but still really slowly. Edison was even napping in my womb during labor, several times actually!
Once the pressure started and I could feel contractions with the epidural I knew we were in business. I started pushing at around 12:50pm and gave it all I got. I had the nurse (they changed nurses and this new one was just as amazing as the night one) tell me how amazing I was doing. I had Cam count for me, my doula was helping with my feet, my mom was there watching, doctor delivering and nurse on my right coaching (from what I remember). I pushed and pushed and it was the crowning part that hurt like CRAZY! Yikes that was the worst part. But then in an instant my son was out and out on top of me. My mom saw that it was a boy right away but Cam was the one to actually tell me it was a boy. Just like I thought all along, I was 100% expecting a boy. We said right away that his name is Edison Lyle and my mom was crying and immediately said how beautiful the name was. Cam actually cut the cord even though he never intended to and I'm sure Cam saw far more than what he wanted to. I pushed on my left side with my right leg up on the bar and Cam was sitting next to me on my left so he had full view (poor guy).

Then all the scary stuff started that you can read in my previous post. But even though that happened, I'm still very happy with the way my son came into this world. I wanted to do my best, listen to my body, respect myself and my needs and make decisions that were right for me at the time. This was MY labor and MY sons birth. I understand that others have their opinions of how labor should go and I respect your opinions so please respect MY decisions and MY labor experience.

Will I do this again? Absolutely!!!!! Obviously not right away but definitely soon after Edison is one. It was such an empowering and amazing moment that I'll remember for the rest of my life.


I love my son more than I can express.
N.

I did it! but not without a scare (part of Edison's birth story)

The day I had my baby was the most magical day, I'm on cloud nine and so in love with my son. He's perfect, he's super cute, content, relaxed, happy! Just overall amazing!
My son, Edison Lyle


I promise I will write Edison's full birth story but for now I wanted to share a portion of it.

Moments after Edison was born I started bleeding, like A LOT! Actually, three times the amount of blood than the average woman is supposed to loose. It was a very scary situation, the doctors didn't know if my bleeding was coming from a tear or my uterus. So my doc who delivered Edi called in the OB and all the sudden all the nurses on the floor were in my room. The OB, Dr. Price (amazing man!) established that the bleeding was coming from my uterus and they proceeded to push hard on my stomach which HURT! I started to cry and panic (thanks to Heidi for bringing me back to calm) wondering what was happening. I thought Edi was in trouble cause he only whimpered out of the womb, I had no clue it was me they were worried about. All the sudden Dr. Price came to my side and calmly made it clear to me that I wasn't okay and either I suck like I've never sucked before on laughing gas right now or I get wheeled in ASAP for surgery. They had to stop the bleeding which meant aggressive pushes on my stomach which was unbelievably painful (apparently there was even blood on the stool in the room, blah!). So right then I grabbed the gas and sucked and they pushed and it was hell but they got the clots out! Literally PRAISE GOD!

I was on that table for what felt like forever (2 hours) after the birth and all I wanted was my baby, I had no clue I was walking the road of a possible blood transfusion.

After they got the clots, the scare was over and I was finally stitched up, cleaned up, hooked to more Oxytocin and got to hold my boy! My gorgeous, handsome stud of a man. Little did I know that my doctor was explaining the whole situation to my parents at this time out in the hall and then asked them not to tell me the severity of what had happened. They kept me over night and watched me like a hawk because if my morning blood work didn't come back good I'd need a blood transfusion for sure Mother's Day morning. Again praise God that the results were good and I was discharged to spend a great Mother's Day evening at home!

The reason I post this now is because my doc made it clear that my recovery will be much longer than the average woman's. It will take my body months to recover fully from the blood loss. I'm supposed to allow others to help me on a consistent basis and not be shy to ask for help. I need to sleep lots, take an iron supplement and drink tons of water. My body will NOT spring back from this quickly, it will be SLOW, so very slow.

So please, if you're wanting to meet my son I'm thrilled but you must be patient with me. Please don't stay over for extended amounts of time, please don't show up, please don't have expectations of me, please realize that I'm recovering and offer me some space (and food!!!).

But did I LOVE my labor and delivery? YES! I really did. No lie! I even told Cam that I'm absolutely doing it again! I think next time though I'll do without the blood clotting scary thing.

Going to nap now, Cams making me :)
N.

By the way, the nurses and doctors at surrey memorial are AMAZING!!!!!!!!

On the brink of induction

I realized that I completely forgot to update my 41 week photo, so here you go.


On the day I turned 41 weeks I had to go in for A LOT of appointments. Turns out that when you're apart of the CBP (community birth program) they let you go later in your pregnancy to try and labor naturally but only if you're a-ok! So after fetal monitoring, a visit with my doc involving my 4th internal exam, an ultrasound & some blood work I was free to go home.... and wait for labor or induction.

I'm quite thankful for the nurse we got at our fetal monitoring appointment. She was fabulous and went over the entire induction process that I would be experiencing if I made it to Friday (obviously I have). She made it sound far less terrifying than I expected it to be, she took her time answering all my questions and really made me feel like it was all going to be ok. So today as I await the call for my induction time I'm really not all that worried, disappointed in the fact that I need the boost, but not terrified anymore. I've been experiencing early labor since 7 am Thursday morning so a boost to get things going faster is actually welcomed and what I believe I need.

But Thursday sure was a test of my emotional and physical endurance. I am incredibly grateful that Kortney set us up with our new doula Heidi who I actually know from my Bethany Baptist days. Heidi is AWESOME! She's been such an answer to prayer. Around 7 am yesterday I woke up to contractions that hurt! I was SO happy but didn't say anything until I was sure they weren't going away so I paced the house for a solid hour and they stayed! We then walked basically all day trying to encourage them to be closer together and stronger but we lost that fight and around 7 pm they faded away and I was left emotionally and physically exhausted! I even had a moment of complete emotional breakdown in my driveway, crying harder than I have in a long time. Why hasn't this happened yet? What am I doing wrong? I don't know how to do this... I just want to hold my baby. Those were some of the hard emotional moments, it's true when they say its a labor of love.

Today my hope and prayer is that I'm encouraged through the pain knowing that this time there is an end in sight rather than another long day of longing. I WILL get to hold my child soon, I WILL be giving birth within the next 24-48 hours, I CAN & WILL succeed. What a journey this has been!

Lots of love, N.

I once again just needed to say THANK-YOU!!!!! For the on going amount of love that both Cam & I have been receiving from you! At times I'm overwhelmed to tears at how much love is pouring in from everywhere, all the messages & texts. We are so blessed! Beyond blessed so THANK-YOU!!! Bubba already has more love poured out on him/her than I ever expected, I can't wait to raise my child with this much support! :)

calming my mind, labor prep!

It truly is remarkable how the mind can control the body. I've experienced this before in my vulvodynia treatment, in my never ending years as an IBS sufferer and now as I await my baby being born. The mind is a force to be reckoned with and can absolutely control the body's functions, for the better or worse.

I previously stated in my earlier blog post how I stared at my ultrasound picture on Friday and bawled and then things started happening. Well, my doula in her infinite wisdom suggested I do an exercise where I sit and go through (visually) my entire labor and identify fears out loud and release them. Now, you might think that sounds goofy, or "new age", but if you've never sat with yourself and truly identified what's going on in your mind, then you're missing out on an incredible self discovery.

I highly encourage any woman who is going through pregnancy and is afraid of various aspects of the experience to sit down with herself and picture her baby, what her life will be like with her child and what she anticipates at her labor and birth. Whenever there is a point of hesitation or tears then talk out that fear and release it's power over you. I know for myself that it's done nothing but positive things. Take a look at my picture below.


Bubba dropped!!!!! Like seriously shoved itself into position and is now what my doctor calls "engaged". All due to calm, relaxed, meditation on Friday night, releasing fears and accepting what is to come.

Last night after an hour of visualization I immediately started having cramping like I've never felt before. It was a reassurance that my body and baby know what they're doing and my mind needs to follow suit and stop getting in the way. I woke up this morning and immediately repeated the process, more fears were identified and released and I feel more than ready! I'm confident that this baby will be born soon and I'm quite excited to witness my body doing exactly what it's been created to do. As I sit here and type my cramps are once again getting stronger, my mind is at peace with the process and my stomach is saying "Cheerios!" (Which is my cue to go and have my breakfast, excuse me).

So with hopeful anticipation I pray that tomorrow I will post about Bubba and not update my 41 week belly shot. BUT if you do get a belly shot, please know that I'll be meditating away any disappointment and will choose to trust that labor was meant for a different date.
N.

What I've been learning...

I've definitely been learning a lot through this whole labor process. And no... in all technical/medical terms I'm not "officially" in labor yet. BUT I argue that I'm on the outskirts of it happening. Like at any moment my belly could contract and BOOM labor! At least that's how I picture it happening.

What I've learned and what my wonderful doula has taught me, is that labor like a lot of things in life, is a process. Here I thought I'd be hit with contractions out of nowhere, suffer for 12+ hours, push, tear & out comes Bubba! I'm starting to understand that the body gives out SO many warning signs of impending labor that you start to wonder "is it now?" "Now?" "Now?" At least this has been my experience.

Yesterday I was hit with such aggressive movement and pressure I thought for sure Bubba was clawing his way out. One hour after a 1/2 off cream based Starbucks ribbon caramel crunch frapp (YUM!) and I was convinced that either my water was going to break or something was going to start happening. Jason (my brother) drove like a maniac back home and I proceeded to pace the house, press the pressure points and breathe in the most relaxed way I could. I felt stuff happening well past 10:30pm that night only to wake up this morning disappointed that I wasn't in full on active labor. But thrilled to see that Bubba absolutely dropped further in my pelvis! Things are happening, just slower than I thought they would.

But one thing that really stood out to me yesterday, was how anxious I really was to go through this process. So hours before my Starbucks frapp I sat on the floor in my living room and while staring at the ultrasound picture of Bubba I prayed, I bawled, I told myself that I could do it, I talked to Bubba, I pictured my child being born and I let go!! Now every moment that I catch myself thinking negatively, or feeling tension in my body I stop, I breathe deeply, I relax my body and I pray. That experience definitely changed how I now feel about motherhood and especially how I feel emotionally about this birthing process and physically its easier too.

This process truly is an emotional, spiritual and physical one that takes a lot of strength and endurance and I'm not even at the most difficult part yet. When the time does come and go, I'll be sure to come here and share more. I'll want to brag about how my beautiful baby came into the world.

But before that happens, THANK-YOU! To all of my incredible friends and family! For your texts, Facebook messages, phone calls, emails, etc... for your support and encouragement is incredibly appreciated and isn't going unnoticed!!!!!! We are SO blessed by you!

And we can't wait for each and every one of you to meet our precious Bubba!

N.