damn you dairy!

I accidentally had dairy yesterday at dinner and this morning for breakfast and as a result, last night followed by all day today has sure been a challenge. My sweet boy is back to spitting up excessively (all over me and down my back, ew!) his smiles have gone and are now replaced once again with tears and screams. I didn't mean to "test the theory" but these past 17 hours have sure got me convinced that my boy has a very real dairy sensitivity.

I'm exhausted, running on four hours of sleep is not fun. Even with two cups of coffee and help from my mom. So I sure hope that once this leaves his system then he'll sleep at night again. Just waiting on Cam to come home so I can nap, I'm not going to make it much longer.

So I guess I'll leave you with another picture of my very cute son with his new sun glasses from his Uncle Jason.


N.

Something new to blog about

Blogging has always been my way to journal my thoughts, emotions, life events and have them documented just for me. I never imagined my entries would be read by the many people that have contacted me to tell me so. Or the many people my mom frequently converses with who tell her they keep up with my life through my blog. I'm touched! I'm thrilled, SO much love and support has come through this blog and many friendships have begun or have been rekindled because of it. I'm very happy for that. It turns out that mothers everywhere have a common language and offer all sorts of support, I'm very excited to be apart of that club now! So thank you if you've been reading for a while now, I appreciate you! Honestly, I do.

And I promise I won't stop blogging about Edison and our journey together. Things are still going very well, I feel much more confident, more empowered as a mother and much less stressed. The experience we went through really helped me to recognize what my mommy instincts sound like and look like.

But now I have something else to blog about and I feel if I throw it out there into the world then I can't hide or give up on it. Cam approached me a couple weeks ago with the idea of eating wheat free, for himself! Now this is a man who only eats carbs some days and loves a cold beer always. I was SHOCKED! Even more so when he started a blog no-wheat-for-a-year and was actually serious about it. So we discussed it and both agree that going wheat free means establishing better health habits for us and our son. With Edison having come into our family we realize how essential it is that we start changing things now and this to us is a first step.

I've had digestion issues for ten years now and I'm positive that I'm gluten intolerant so staying away from wheat is only good for me and my health. And if my husband is going wheat free then how can I justify still eating it when out of the two of us I'm the one that needs to stay away from it the most?

So, of course I'll blog about it here and express my joy and frustrations along the way. I guess I'll have to adopt a whole new way of thinking in regards to what I eat. Especially since I'm still eating dairy free for Edison. I hope I'll drop some weight too along the way but that's not my focus.

So starting August 1st I'll be wheat & dairy free! Wish me luck and if you know of some great recipes send them my way. And check out Cams blog too, I'm sure he'd appreciate it.
N.

I've got a happy baby today!!!

I don't know what it is and maybe I'm going to jinx it by posting this but Edison has had such a fantastic day today! He hasn't even spat up yet like has earlier in the week, just one little one when he was lying down. He's only been drooling which is no big deal. I can handle drool! He's only been crying for boob and when he's tired for sleep or a diaper change, just the normal baby stuff. There hasn't been any screaming at all like before when he had a gas or reflux episode.

But the day and night are not over yet and thats when he was screaming the most so we might still be in for a rough night tonight. Fingers crossed that this very happy and smiley boy of mine sticks around.

Whats interesting though is the only thing I've changed in the last 24 hours is eliminating dairy from my diet. So maybe I'm onto something!!! Only time will tell for sure :)

N.

So, reflux it is

Edison & I patiently waiting for the doctor.


Well, we saw the doctor and it was confirmed that Edison has reflux. However, because he's healthy otherwise and gaining weight there's no reason to put him on medication. He is an excessive spitter but is still within the realm of normal. I mentioned his eating habits and he recommended on demand feeding and didn't seem very worried about a low milk supply. He mentioned that the weights Edison has had the last few times are great and not to be concerned about them. He said supplementing all the time isn't something I should do cause it'll take Edi away from my breast and then my milk will go lower.

So how do I feel about all this? Actually, relief because someone finally told me that everything is okay and what I've been doing is perfect for my baby. So I'll continue to feed on demand, I'll continue to keep Edi upright after feeds and burp him often. I'll start eating dairy and wheat free to see if that makes a difference in his behavior (plus it won't hurt me to get healthier) and I'll FINALLY stop stressing and stop worrying. Instead I'll continue to enjoy every moment with my boy, even if in those moments I'm covered in spit up.

Now to go catch up on some laundry!

N.

Getting to the bottom of it

This whole experience has proven to be overwhelming, Cam says it best when he describes it as surviving. I've been told my milk is low, then it's a dairy problem in my diet, a reflux issue in Edi, there's the need to supplement but then he doesn't take it. We did formula too ups for four days with horrible side affects, worse than the actual spit up problem we've been dealing with. It's been a whirlwind of this and that and the other. It's been hard to sift through the advice of the professionals and my friends, everyone trying to help us figure this out. Even my chiropractor said that Edison is one of the most complicated cases he's come across.

So what's going on? Edison spits up, A LOT! It's not projectile vomit but there have been mornings where he spits up while I'm changing him up to three-four times and I'm wiping him down trying to get him clean again. We had to bathe him every day last week cause he stunk so much like sour milk and had explosive soft peanut butter like poops that oozed everywhere (it was nasty!). He's been screaming too, like hysterical crying and won't latch to eat, won't take a bottle, he goes stiff as a board and puts his arm up by his ear and grabs it and pulls. When he gets to that point it's heart breaking and we just scoop him up to comfort him but it's almost like no matter what we do he isn't comforted. We've tried gripe water, ovol, warm baths (which he loves), bicycle legs and keeping him upright after he eats (which seems to be helping).

Edison also doesn't eat very well, he's a lazy eater and takes forever to take in just a couple ounces. We know he only eats about two ounces off me because we've taken him to the nurse who had weighed him before and after a feed. Even if he takes the top up bottle he'll take a good 15-20 minutes to eat it. And then he spits up every time afterwards so an hour or two after he eats he'll cry to eat again. I know that he needs 3-4 ounces right now at each feed but since he only eats about 2 ounces off me and sometimes takes his top ups and then spits up about 2-3 times afterwards I know he's definitely not eating enough. But is this ok?! His weight gain I think is getting closer to where it's supposed to be right now but what about later on when he's bigger?

I'm on meds to increase my milk and the fenugreek, I pump after he eats as much as I can and I'm trying to figure out how to comfort him without latching him. Because there are days when all he wants is to be latched onto me all day long. The lactation specialist said that being latched on me is obviously his comfort place and therefore him wanting to be there a lot may mean he's uncomfortable, that something's bothering him. And so his being latched so often suckling and lazy eating hasn't given my boobs the opportunity to empty so my brain isn't telling my breasts that Edi needs more milk so my supply is getting low. But Edison may be eating so little so often because of reflux, but then does he really have reflux or am I seeing things that aren't really there? Am I over reacting? Is this really a problem or am I making it out to be one? Am I remembering things right or seeing things that are not there because of my serious lack of sleep? I'm just so confused!

So what should I do? I'm seeing my doc for Edison today, the lactation consultant I saw said she'd call my doc to tell him about what she is concerned about after seeing us. I hope that if there is something going on then we get to the bottom of it. At first it was my milk production and then after pursuing that it's turned into a quest to see what's going on with Edison (if anything at all). I just want to enjoy this journey with my son and not miss a moment. I want to breastfeed SO BADLY for as long as possible. I want the moments of smiles and coos to increase while the spit ups, tears and gas bubbles decrease.

I hope things turn around soon,
N.

More milk

Check list of ways to increase milk production:

* pump for 5 minutes after as many feeds as you can right after baby finishes on each boob

CHECK!

* drink massive amounts of water throughout the day so you're peeing like you did when you were pregnant

CHECK!

* eat an additional 300-500 calories even though you were desperately hoping to drop your extra weight

CHECK!

* drink mothers milk tea, take fenugreek & that other medication prescribed that does some other things too that can make you feel funky

CHECK!

* eat papaya DAILY! mmmmm.... Papaya

CHECK!

* snuggle & cuddle baby skin to skin or their skin to your very low v-neck shirt

CHECK!

* Compressions! Compressions! & more breast compressions!

CHECK!

Oh and lastly...

* you know your milk is increasing when you finally feel that crazy stinging let down sensation after every feed & between feeds & during feeds! And although it HURTS, it's one of the best feelings because it means that milk is accumulating in the boobies :)

Also, believe you can accomplish all you put your mind to. Listen to your motherly instincts when they tell you something isn't right for you and your baby and trust in it. Do what works best for YOU, no matter what & search all of your options.

I'm not going back to the clinic in Vancouver, I didn't feel right about implementing what they said. So after seeing my post partum doula I feel confident in doing what I was doing before and seeing the lactation specialist I saw at public health for a second opinion. I'm just waiting on a call back for an appointment time.

Things are starting to look up. I am once again enjoying breast feeding my sweet boy!

N.


Edison's milk coma the other day, there's no way this would have happened if I kept myself strict on the ONLY ten minutes a side routine Vancouver clinic had me on. There was no time for bonding, for comfort or sleepy moments like this on that stupid regiment so we're back to what we want. I am going to someone else hopefully this week for their expert opinion & to weight Edi. I'm hoping his weight has caught back up again & this whole thing is behind us as long as I stick to the above milk supply tricks 😊.

I hate this!

I need to be real right now, I need to express exactly how I feel right at this moment so when I look back and read this I can see how far I've really come.

I HATE THIS! I hate that I have to take drugs to help me make milk. I hate that those drugs that are supposed to help me are making me dizzy & giving me a horrible headache instead. I hate that I soon will smell of maple syrup from a stupid herb I need to also take & drink a tea that tastes like grass clippings. I hate that I have to constantly pump and see just DROPS fall into the bottle each time. I hate that after only a timed ten minutes feed on each boob I have to hand my baby off to someone else or put him down in his cradle instead of watching him fall asleep satisfied. I HATE that I'm not enjoying this like I once was. I HATE that I'm feeling less bonded to Edison because he's not latched as much anymore. I HATE that it's feeling confining, more & more difficult & leaving me feel defeated & feeling like less of a mom. I hate that it hasn't gone like I desperately hoped it would, and I wish that I would have been more educated & informed at the beginning to help me be more successful on my own. I hate that I'm so afraid I'll never be able to make enough milk for Edison. I hate that the hemorrhage and my blood loss is part of what's to blame. I hate that all I want to do is cry over it & eat bowls of chocolate ice cream.

I just want a routine that will work and so I'm hiring a post partum doula who was highly recommended to me for help. She'll be my cheerleader in my home & help further identify the problem & how to set up my routine here at the house to be more successful. I need someone, I don't want to give up on this.

Because in the midst of hating so many aspects of this struggle, I love it too much to quit and I'm SO grateful for the encouragement being sent my way. So thank you to everyone who has shared with me their similar struggles to show me that I'm not the only one who has dealt with this. I very much appreciate hearing the words that I'm not failing, that I'm a good mother for keeping on, that it'll change & get easier. I hope you're right, with all my heart I hope you're right.

N.

Edison is two months old! & Vancouver clinic visit went very well :)

Age: My baby is two months old today! Wow! There have been so many changes in him.

Weight & height: Edi weighs in now at 11.6lbs, that's not a very good gain. Only gained 1.1lbs this month, less than he's supposed to. He's about 23.22 inches in length now too.

Clothing: because he hasn't been gaining much weight most 0-3 month onesies still fit! So we have a much larger selection of clothes than I thought we would at this point. All of his 3-6 month sizes & 6 month onesies are currently in his drawer too.

Likes: correction from last month, Edison enjoys being latched! But will only eat 6-8 minutes MAX each side and then fall asleep but will scream if taken off and not allowed to suckle. So my little man is a total boob guy.

He really likes sitting up alone to kick and look at stuff. He watches the tv because of the flashing pictures that keep his attention. We are borrowing a swing which he seems to enjoy more and more. He likes his soothie even more than last month and falls asleep with it every time. He's found his fist which he enjoys sucking while making the most adorable noises. He's the cutest little man :)

Dislikes: Edison still hates his car seat but only when it's in the car and he's alone in the back seat. If someone is with him in the back or his seat is out of the car then he's fine. He still dislikes a wet head in the bath but stopped screaming during diaper changes. He hates having to wait for milk and very much dislikes falling asleep alone.

Development: Edison has been cooing, he turns his head to noises or people that interest him, he is smiling a lot more and "talks". He is doing better at tummy time but still hates it, he does so much better with lifting his head when held.

Hows mom doing?: I am doing fabulous! I had my follow up glucose test which came back NEGATIVE! Wahoo! Which means NO diabetes, so happy! My hemoglobin is also back to normal which is apparently not all that common for it to go back to normal so quickly after so much blood loss.

My breast milk production hasn't been that great though but we're working hard on it. I went to the Vancouver breast feeding clinic which was a really great experience. The doctor I got was fantastic! She recognized the problem very quickly and was sweet yet firm with informing me about it and how to move forward. So basically what's happening is that Edison is just hanging out at the boob suckling but not eating, he's falling asleep really quickly which isn't telling my brain to make more milk. Therefore, my milk supply is low and not sufficient for my growing boy. He's getting only two ounces of milk from a feed (that's including both sides) when at his age he should be eating three to four ounces total. So he's only getting half of what he is supposed to. No wonder he's only gained one pound this month, poor guy.

Although his gain is small let me me make it very clear that Edison was never in any danger. We were going to the doctor for weekly weigh ins to monitor him. I would NEVER put my son in danger on purpose, and I was never starving him. I offered him boob constantly, he was getting food but just not enough. Hence why I was constantly breast feeding (every 1-2 hours) and could never go out anywhere.

SO, we have a new routine given by the doctor. He gets to eat on each side for ten minutes which is timed and then I pump each side immediately after he's done for five minutes and feed Edison the pumped milk. I need to give Edison two ounces at each feed for a top up (to get his feed to 3-4 ounces total, assuming he's still getting 2 ounces from me) so if I can't manage to pump two ounces (which I currently can't, hence why he's not getting enough food) then we give the rest of the top up as formula.

How am I feeling about all of this? I'm doing better accepting the fact that this is just a hiccup and NOT a defeat. The doc said the goal is to get my milk up and phase out the top ups. But because of the blood loss affecting my milk production so much I may never be able to keep up to Edison's needs. But I'm going to continue to do everything I can. Including the pumping, prescription meds, mothers milk tea and fenugreek pills. I'm just wishing so much that it wouldn't have to be this hard but then again this whole pregnancy and baby experience has been challenging and has made me stronger. I sure am learning a lot about myself and my body. I'm also committing to eating better to respect my body and it's sensitivities to help my body be the best milk producing machine!! So this means it's time I actually DO the gluten free diet and give my body the ability to heal and use its energy to make milk!

So hopefully come next month I'll be updating you with a picture of a plump Edison and news of my abundant milk supply :)
N.


Edison at one month & two months. What a difference in his face!

Going to Vancouver for help

I'm going to the breastfeeding clinic in Vancouver. It's official! This Thursday I get to see someone for help and get to the bottom of this. I'm THRILLED!!

Edison isn't in any immediate danger but he is gaining less than the daily recommended amount of weight. In the doctors office Thursday afternoon it became clear that if I don't change something soon then Edison won't develop or grow properly. We suspect it's my milk supply but I'm sure there's probably other factors too. So the doc put me on a feed & pump, feed & pump routine. And made it clear that if I go out and about out of the house all day and ignore the routine then I'm not putting my breastfeeding commitment first. If I don't put it first then my beautiful boy has no chance of getting what he needs to grow. So of course I'm doing what I need to do and will continue to do it with a smile on my face.


When Edison was born he was in the 50-75th percentile for weight but at his last weigh in he dropped on the chart to the 25-50th percentile. So because of this drop and lack of adequate weight gain the word formula was thrown around in the doctors office. Now don't get me wrong, if you chose to feed your children formula I have nothing against your choice. I respect your decision, there are many moms I love and respect who have fed their children formula. But for me I'm determined to breastfeed. I will exhaust all other options before I rely on formula. So off to the clinic I go.

I even have a prescription for a milk producing drug but will give the mothers milk tea, fennel tea and fenugreek a try first. I'm going to start smelling like maple syrup really soon, so if you aren't a fan of maple syrup you might want to stay away from me for a little while.

But you know what the best news was out of my appointment? My sugar numbers are fabulous and my hemoglobin is back to normal. My doctor was so excited and actually surprised by my hemoglobin. She was surprised because it normally takes 100 days for a persons hemoglobin to return to normal after losing the amount of blood I lost. And mine returned to normal in less than two months! YAY! So thank-you for your prayers for my recovery, God certainly listened and blessed me! And to all of you who brought over food and just loved me through it have been apart of making this quick recovery possible so THANK-YOU once again!! Having Edison has really shown me how loved I am and how many true friends I really do have.


It's been so fantastic! :)
N.

trying to love my post baby body

After I had my gorgeous boy I felt awful physically because of the birth but I knew that would pass. The soreness and pain had slowly disappeared. Now, here I am close to two months post baby and my body has healed fairly well. I've lost 31 of the 37 pounds I gained but have almost lost the great feeling that came along with succeeding in loosing that weight. I'm back to fighting the emotions and feelings that have never gone away. I really loved my baby belly but now it's gone. And now I'm left hating my body just like before and I just don't want to hate it anymore.

Ironically this truly has nothing to do with my stretch marks. They are there, they are dark, they are many, but they make me proud. It's the rest of me that is bothering me, the pudge, the rolls, the double chin. I feel once again like I felt when I had all around swelling in my pregnancy. Fat, bloated, ugly, not a great feeling, not a healthy outlook to have and not the way I want to be while I raise my son.

So how do I change? And I don't just mean my weight and shape. How do I change my outlook on myself? How do I start loving and respecting my body? I'm not too sure where to begin other than to seek help from God to change.

The way I live my life and treat myself I believe, is a direct reflection of what I believe in life and in God. Obviously I don't believe in much beauty. It's as though I'm mad at my body for letting me down. For being too sensitive, for not being like everyone else, for not letting me eat what I want. So I eat it anyways, I rebel against what my body is obviously telling me it needs. I go against how God created me and I hate myself for it because when I look in the mirror my body doesn't hide the truth of my struggle. I need to change something, it's not fair that I abuse myself. I would NEVER abuse Cam or Edison this way so why do it to myself?! Because its too hard? Eating right and moving my body would actually be the easy thing to do. Digging deep into the emotional wounds is the hard part, it's not going to be pretty.

But I'll do it for my son and in doing that I hope to do it for me too. I hope to come to the place of love for myself and for my body.
N.


Picking raspberries wearing Edison today, I love my Ergo baby.