this book by Geneen Roth has been inspirational to me... it has been apparent to me that I obviously have an eating disorder. It is not anorexia or bulemia, instead it is the obessive need to drown myself in overeating and starving and depriving myself, hating myself, loathing the person that I am and trying so desperately to fix it, to "fix" me.

I saw this books author on tv and it became very clear to me that I NEEDED with such a desperate plea to read that book... I remember being in the state of mind that said "you have to read that book Nicole, you must read it! freedom from all this shit may actually come from the psychology in that book" and well, it did in certain terms.

I read it with the knowledge that this woman is not a christian, she does not talk about Jesus or calvary, she does not speak about how Christ is the savior of the world and that through treating ourselves like temples we live out Gods plan. No, I am sorry this book is something different, what may be defined as "new age" if people may place it there... it is helpful... and I ABSOLUTELY recommend it to every woman. Not everyone may get the experience that I have gotten from it, but I believe that every woman who has learned to believe she is "fat, unworthy, left behind, unwanted" and has convinced themselves that they "aren't lovable" those women NEED to find themselves again... they do, absolutely deserve to love themselves, all of themselves, even the jiggly parts of themselves :)

Since reading most of this book (I have a few chapters left) I am glad to be in a place of examining how I react to food, to my own emotions, to my choices... I am listening to my body and understanding a heck of a lot about past experiences that got me here. To the place of loathing everything about myself. FINALLY I love my body, I think I am sexy and desirable and I can FINALLY see what my husband sees in me when I am naked. I have been in shitty past relationships... but the beauty of this book has helped me to realise that nothing defines me but me.. and the choices I make and how I want to be, and I loooove that. And the icecream that I used to drown my sorrows in, the cookies and anything else that I could get my hands is not needed anymore. I am finally whole and lovable and worthy and sexy and I see that in myself and I am starting to listen to my body and what it needs and wants... ironically what it wants isn't icecream all along, instead it's nourishment and love and movement.

Praise God! :)

hello hello! so things around here have finally calmed down, so much so that I don't know what to do with myself most days. I am only working two days a week so far... which is kind of nerve racking since my pay cheque is supposed to be helping pay for my schooling, but Im making a lot more than I would if I was to go and apply at Starbucks or a bank. So... I guess we will just have to wait and see how it goes, its apparently the start of the maintenance season, so there will be work... eventually!

The surprise party that us Kroeker kids threw was a HUGE success! it was so fabulous, I am so happy and proud of my husband and brothers and I. We had twenty people all together including ourselves and our parents. All of their close friends, and all from their several walks of life (old neighbourhood, bible study, dads brother & fiance and friends from waaaaay back) it was so much fun to surprise them like that, they literally had noooo idea! So we were all thrilled with how everything turned out. THANK YOU HERB & LYNN AND ROD & KAREN for taking my parents out so that we could surprise them! that means a lot to us :)
so I finally decided (with the help of cameron of course) that I will finish my BA in December of 2011, instead of April 2011. This is so that I can just enjoy my life... enjoy my school, and with only seven credit hours left to do in September 2011-December 2011 it really won't affect much of my life (the schooling) so that I can still work and Cam and I can still move on with plans that we have for us. As well, this means that we won't be putting so much of our finances into school and can now have more freedom to save up for a home, among other things. I feel very peaceful about this decision and am actually really excited for the internship opportunities I have. My sexual ethics class... although painful to be in (the class is difficult emotionally) really sparked my interest in women being abused, either sexually or emotionally and my wanting to work with them. I still want to talk to the teacher of the class and ask her some questions and maybe for some guidence on what I could do for an internship and where I could go, what compainies I could work for... etc... but even though I keep getting really scared to be a counselor and I keep trying different routes to be something else, I ALWAYS comes back to the same thing... counseling as the way for me to go. Im not as scared anymore... Im just more excited to finish my BA, although the thought of walking across that stage in a blue gown makes me think that the moment that moment is over I will be a grown up! hahaha, its silly cause I am a grown up and I will be 26 when I graduate, but still... once that part of my life is over, then the next thing is kids and a house!! and a masters degree which leads to a career, and to me... thats part of the definition of grown up!

blessings!
N stehr.